Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

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Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

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☆A few things: 1st & foremost, step AWAAAY! You can't be around someone like that for any length of time. She'll drag you to hell.
If she's not ready for a nursing facility.. when she gets out of the hospital, let her stew in that misery on her own at home.

You can also seek a social worker for her... there is a program where they can set up someone to call the parent I believe once a month to chat with them. I have that setting up for my mom.
But you gotta back off.. because it's stressing you to the point that you're wishing for her passing.
My mom's very negative, afraid of the world, judges others & extremely combative & argumentative. It exhausts me so much, I have to get up and leave. If it starts, I'm gone! And I stop talking.
So step away!
Also, try to keep yourself from thinking this way of wishing her to pass. When you get so frustrated with her...leave, get off the phone, separate yourself from her etc., and immediately start thinking good things.. fun stuff you're going to do..or call a good friend & chat to get you out of that mood!
Also, therapy can help. I have never had or needed therapy until now. I have two. Plus I vent to my close friends. I try to handle it with certain strategies.. I shut it down & just stop.... Stop listening.. stop talking!
I wish you well!♡

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Reply to CaliTexasGirl

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You’re not alone in feeling that. I’ve heard others in similar situations admit the same thing — not out of hate, but out of exhaustion and wanting peace for both sides. Watching someone suffer endlessly while also taking the brunt of their negativity wears a person down. It doesn’t make you a bad child, it just makes you human. Sometimes loving someone means quietly hoping for their pain to finally end.

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Reply to TenderStrength5

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I had a similar situation with my late wife who had suffered strokes, and almost complete mobility loss. When she passed, I realized that I had been mourning the person she had been for 5 years. When she died my mourning ended.

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Reply to datadino

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I realized I too am mourning the mom we all knew, wishing God would take her in her sleep so she can be with dad and find peace

(8)

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That’s such a heavy load to carry, and I can hear the weight in your words. When someone you love is suffering — and their illness creates constant strain for everyone around them — it’s not unusual to have conflicted feelings, even hoping they’ll find peace. That doesn’t make you cruel; it makes you human. No matter what the relationship looks like, she’s still your mom, and it’s natural to want to help. I’m glad you’re sharing honestly here — sometimes just being heard makes a big difference, and I hear you. Even with all the negativity and recklessness, I believe there’s a part of her that knows she needs you and values what you do. Please remember to protect your own well-being too — you matter just as much in this equation.

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Reply to KCaresHomeCare

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So beautifully said.

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Your wish is just a thought and a thought does not have power to make something happen. This wish comes from emotions that are legitimate- ( feeling to end LO's suffering, feeling to end your suffering, feeling unwilling to care for abusive LO etc). There is no wrong emotion. Relieve yourself from undeserved guilt. That is in your power - only you can let go of guilt.
I am caring for 2 LOs... only 4 yrs now. I remind myself that it is ok to feel trapped and resentful sometimes. And these two LOs are dearly beloved by me - but still not easy. Take care of yourself.

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Reply to Sherry325

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My advice to anyone dealing with a narcissist elderly parent subsiding on ever ready batteries, is to please carve some vacations, downtime and free moments in for yourself. I'm having patients who are pushing one hundred and their caretakers are seniors themselves. I have a ninety eight year old client that I visit occasionally. This lady does not use a walker or cane to get around. She can still make her own coffee and still dresses herself.

She isn't the only one I've run across in this age range. My suggestion is to get homecare or respite care to take care of them and caretakers take a break!

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Reply to Scampie1

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I talked to a friend (let’s call her ‘Susan’) last week who is 74 and weary. Her mother is 94 and demanding. Susan was hoping to travel during her retirement while her health still holds up. Her mother takes up so much time and energy that this is impossible. Susan’s retirement has been derailed by an aging parent. Susan yearns for freedom while she still has a few good years left. I truly hope that it works out that way for her.

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Reply to Danielle123

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It’s sad when they don’t realize that their adult children are also seniors .

(20)

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@dmg1969,

I understand . I had a lifelong narcissist for a mother . I think you should go ahead and call the ambulance next time he falls . Hospice won’t be much help for the daily hands on care . They only come a few times a week for a few hours . None of you want to get hurt picking him up . He falls in your house , it’s your say to call an ambulance , not your sister in law’s. He needs 24/7 care in a facility .
In case the ambulance does not take him , start looking for a nursing home . Tell the old guy , this can not be handled at home anymore . I hope he can do without the booze .

Maybe 88 is the very common age .
Between my husband and I , three of our parents died at 88 and one at 89.

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Reply to waytomisery

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If my mother makes it to 88, I am afraid she will outlive me.

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We are currently in the phase...hoping my 88 year old FIL (wife's father) will just die. Too much history to go into. Suffice it to say that he has pretty much always been a user and narcissist whose needs, he feels, come before anyone else's his entire life. He was absent or had very, very limited interaction with my wife and her sister (65 and 62) for much of their early life. He has lived with us for over a year. The dreaded "doing the right thing" despite the history. We have him M-F and her sister has him S-S. We have hospice coming on Friday because it's getting to be too much for my wife and I to handle...or WANT to do.

He has advanced cancer (no longer treating), early Parkinson's and dementia which is getting worse. He fell three times yesterday. My SIL brought a walker up when they came to get him up (I was at work). He hardly uses it. He does everything to sabotage himself, I guess because he knows someone will pick his stupid ass up. He has always been a drinker and has vodka and beer in the evening and, when he is confused about what time it is (like this morning), in the morning.

So, we have been praying for him to die. I have never wanted someone to die before in my life, but here we are. My wife is the same and is actually more vocal about it than I am. So, no...it is NOT wrong to wish someone to die. Either to ease their suffering or to ease our own.

I should add that, since he is not bed ridden, he will likely still be up and down and falling, even in hospice. Her sister objected when I mentioned calling an ambulance after the third fall saying that if there's nothing wrong with him, they would have to pay out of pocket. I spoke with my wife last night and I think we will do just that if he falls again before hospice comes. And then just tell the hospital to make arrangements for him to go to a facility because we can no longer take care of him. The sister won't because she works from home. She was SUPPOSED to be the one to have him, but he drove her bat shit crazy within 2 hours and would not let her alone while she was working. That's how we got him 5 days a week.

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Reply to dmg1969

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You have a good plan! Good luck!

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I’m completely understand and I feel the same way about my mother who has sucked the life out of me.

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Reply to Red888

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Heart felt condolences! Rough situation,

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Reply to mhudson

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I completely understand and feel exactly the same. I too feel guilty about it, but remember that you're not a bad person to want some peace and your life back. Caring for anyone in this condition is exhausting but caring for a narcissistic mother is being forced to put your life on hold for your abuser. It's brutal and exhausting and frankly damaging and not fair. I know. I often feel as you do but I remind myself my mother would never give to others as much as I have given to her, and it will never be enough. I've decided to take a vacation and mentally and physically check out for a few weeks before it's me that's on the downward slide, not her. Take it easy on yourself, and I'll try to do the same. Please keep in mind that even if you were there 7 days a week 24 hours a day, nothing you do will be good enough or even enough. You have a right to your feelings. Narcissists train us to ignore our feelings and tune into their feelings alone. That's why this is so hard. Take care. I'm sorry you are going through this.

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Reply to Depleted1

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it’s human…not abnormal…some folks are unhappy all their lives and take it out on others…I wish the peace and hope they find it (where ever that may be). My FIL was a miserable narcissist and made my husbands life horrible, was the same to his wife…I’ve had him in lodged in my garage for a couple of years to help him ‘reflect’ on his life..eventually he’ll go into a creek, no one wants his ashes..in the other hand my friends Father is in the last stages, mentally, of Alzheimer’s/dementia, yet his body is strong. He knows nothing, can become combative, and is still in hospital as no rehab will take him…he would wish to be gone (as would I), but he and his family are stuck, wishing him peace and a way out of this. I hope there is a dignified voluntary death process in place soon…we treat our animals with more care and compassion

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Reply to Rrieger1

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It's not abnormal to wish for someone to not suffer anymore and look forward to no longer having the responsibility or worry that comes with care giving.

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Reply to Advocata

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that's a great way to put it, I remember when my dad a wonderful man died, it was almost 2 years of care the bulk of it during covid, the relief of not having to worry about him dying anymore was huge - of course then there was the grief. My mom was always quite negative and difficult has now eased up quite a bit but her care at 90 is all on me and that responsibility is a heavy burden. I am Ok with it when she is struggling and really needs me but now home from rehab and basically OK it's a lot to be the sole provider for everything and I am worn out.

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It's ok to feel this way. My mother since late 2023 has had 3 falls resulting in limb breaks, a ruptured aeortic aneurysm, multiple hospital and SNF stays.. she is now in an AFH. And wanting to go home. Home was a filthy hoarded mess.,contributing to the falls etc. Since mid August's hip break her short term memory went fast. I feel so sorry for her tho shes getting wonderful care. I see her twice a week and thank God I dont have to worry about her. Ive had those thoughts of her passing and the relief. There's alot more to this story but maybe seek a caregiver support group. Ive had a long time therapist fortunately. I learned my guilt ive felt for various tasks ove had to do, is grief.. still working on it. YOU'RE situation much worse and I wish you peace.

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Reply to Littlewing65

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My parents left their daughters a mess as far as keeping my father on Medicaid. I can’t take the stress and I wish they set up a revocable trust for their damn house five years earlier than my mother did.

I am angry and bitter and am not thinking fondly of my mother because she dumped this on us because they did not trust their kids.

My mother died last year and I’m in year three of dealing with my father’s Medicaid for his nursing home stay. I hate them this. I wish my father was gone already so can feel some relief.

It is pretty awful to say this but that is his how I feel. I have to do this and worry about all this for someone who is not there anymore and is just existing.

They didn’t have this stress with their parents and I resent them for their lack of foresight.

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Reply to Hothouseflower

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Hothouseflower, I do feel your pain!!!

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Nursing home “life” is tough. My mom is 89, my dad has been gone 40+ years. Mom can be annoying, but not mean. She is in a nursing home and not thrilled, after a year she complains less. Seems the longer she is there the more guilty I feel. I have taken the best care of her from 3 hours away. I try to provide anything she wants (a new top, her hair done, etc.) because I feel like she should be “spoiled” in her last few years and yes, maybe I am easing my guilt. I have 2 brothers, one lives close and hates to visit her. He reluctantly takes her things she may need, but told me he takes her what he wants and if she isn’t happy about it, he won’t bring anything. So obviously, he and I are on polar opposite opinions. My other brother lives 4 hours away and he calls mom almost every day, but when I have asked him to visit, he always has an excuse. If I ever ask for financial assistance, he ignores my request. The local brother and I spend what needs to be spent, which over the years has been a lot. Mom has never been financially stable, so local brother used to fix her car, condo, etc. and paid for it all. I am frustrated with both of my brothers and am starting to feel like I am the only one that cares about mom. Mom and I haven’t always been best of friends, but when she moved into the nursing home, I made up my mind that I was going to treat her with love and respect until she dies. Her mom lived to be 99, I don’t know if I can do this for 10 more years! For anyone that is helping an elderly parent (relative), God Bless you! It is hard, I am thankful for this site because I can learn about services, etc. and read that I am not alone. Thank you all for your dedication to this site!

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Reply to susanmac02

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I'm sorry Susan did i miss something? Do you spoil your mom by the many visits to her, maybe take her out for the day? Maybe the brother who calls her daily just doesn't have it in him to see her the way she is now. The brother that lives near by goes thru a lot of guilt and heart aches as he wishes he knew how to handle things better. However he does state how cruel mom can be regardless of his personal visits to be with her even if they are brief. Just asking

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Sister, you are not alone. I could have wrote your story

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Reply to Ihatecaregiving

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My mother lived in a care facility the last two years of her life. She was bedridden with dementia and COPD. I called it alive but not living. When she passed, I cried and had my period of mourning but then, I felt incredible relief. For both of us. We were both free.
As I watch my MIL disappear from dementia, I find myself wanting that same freedom for her and for my husband and I.

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Reply to AnnieG25

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Yes I am watching this with my father. It is sad to witness someone disappear.I hope that my father passes soon for both our sakes. This is no life.

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Kris, Welcome to the forum. Vent away, this is the place to do it. Someday I am going to print out my posts because they are a journal of my feelings about this thankless journey.

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Reply to Hothouseflower

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I am in the same boat with you and it feels like a sinking ship. It's so hard to deal with watching a parent in this condition, still holding on while their finances are drained just to keep them breathing.. It's not living at this point, it's merely existing.

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a Google search led me here and I’m so glad to see I’m not alone in my thoughts. My mother is only 66 but has been bedridden for 4 years now. She has a host of health problems. I have 4 children, my husband and I own a business with employees, & we are in the middle of building a house—so lots of things on our plate. My mother is miserable, complains constantly, and is like a cat with 9 lives. She’s had sepsis twice, she gets admitted to the hospital constantly, and I must admit I’m getting so worn down with there ALWAYS being a problem I must give my attention to. It’s always something. I have been praying that she will go to Heaven soon so that she won’t be miserable anymore, and so that I can give my husband and children 100% again. If I was in a different stage of life maybe I would be a better daughter to her. But right now I feel like I’m not being a good enough mama to my children and feel so worn down. I’m glad to see I’m not alone.

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Reply to Kris819

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Kris, welcome to our forum, no you are far from alone. You are doing the best that you can, the one thing I've learned her is that you can't let guilt eat you up. You didn't cause moms health issues, there is no room for guilt. Stick around you will learn a lot.

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When my mom first had her stroke, I was hoping she passed away peacefully. It's been 5 years that she has been in a nursing home. I still wish she would go peacefully but so far she is still here so I dont wish it anymore. When her time comes I hope I am ready. On the other hand we have a cancer survivor living in my home who will pass away in months based on her prognosis. I wish she would go sooner rather than later as I am not looking forward to her getting worse. And already it is a challenge because of all that we have to do for her now. It is a chore and I am not even related to her. I didnt want to be in caregiving mode and yet here I am.

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Reply to Stayingyoung

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No I don't think so. When your LO's quality of life is poor and there is no cure to be had, it is not wrong to wish that this existence would end and her soul be free. My wife of 45+ years has CBD and will never get better. I see her degenerate more each day. She has no affection for me and tolerates my care giving attempts. There have been times I prayed that she would have a heart attack to end her suffering. I love and have loved her since I was 17 years old. I kills me to see her suffer so yes, it is okay.

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Reply to GreenChile505

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I know this is a very old thread, but this is exactly the question I came to ask.

Like many of you, I have a caregiving for my parents backstory that spans years and would take pages to type. But Mom is finally in an AL facility and doing pretty well there.

The good news is I don't have to fill her pill minder, make sure she takes all her meds, make sure she eats, stand outside the bathroom while she showers, help her off the toilet when she is stuck, etc. etc. etc. because there is a care staff and a RN on her floor. The flip side of the coin is that Dad died last year and my estranged sister --who lives 5 minutes from Mom--wont visit and rarely calls Mom, so I am the person who has to do Mom's weekly shopping for incidentals, has to make her numerous ongoing doctor/medical appointments and then take her to them, plus I'm the one who the RN calls and says Mom has a cough and low-grade fever so I need to take her to urgent care immediately to be tested for COVID. And of course, I have to pay all of her bills and manage Mom's business affairs.

Everyday I wake up and feel like managing Mom, her healthcare, and her finances is a prison sentence I have to serve--and it won't stop until she dies. It's difficult to explain to somebody who isn't in a similar situation, but it feels like I'm carrying a heavy rock that is slowly crushing me.

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Reply to JRwornout

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...and as if right on cue, as soon as I posted this Mom called with a list of things she "needs" from the store.
I corrected her and said "no, you want a few things."
It went right over her head.
Either way, I'm not dropping everything to run to the store. She can wait until this weekend.

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BelleFleur, I understand.

It sounds like you have reached your limit, there is a lot of understandable rage and desperation in your message. Please try to take some time for yourself, it sounds like you too are the only caregiver and are likely sleep deprived and burned out. I have started to look for support in my area (I am not sure yet what is available), please do the same too. You need time off. Is there any way you can go on a short vacation (even just a staycation in which you can sleep and recover) while your mother is in the hospital and being cared for? It is hard to be always sweet and loving when there is never a reward and the past was not great to begin with. Is there anybody else who could possibly alternate with you taking care of her, or would it be possible for her to go to AL, where trained personnel? We are humans, and caregiving is one of the hardest job. Forgive yourself, and try to find some moment of serenity. I don't know if counseling is an option you may want to try, or if there is somebody you can talk freely too over a cup of tea or coffee.

And, to answer your question, sometimes wishing somebody dead actually means wishing for the freedom that will come to the caregiver when the person is gone. It is not right, but it is understandable and human, as long as, like in our case, it remains a desperate thought. Try to carve yourself some freedom, you deserve it. A hug to you, I hope things will improve soon.

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Reply to AnnaKat

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Burnt: AlvaDeer is a role model for me, as well, and I'm 5 years her senior! Her advice/input/opinions are well thought-out, experience-based and nearly always reliant on accepted fact. We need more of that in this crazy-making world.

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Reply to ElizabethAR37

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That's awesome, Elizabeth and good for you at your age.

(1)

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THIS!!!
as far as I’m concerned, it’s completely understandable, and the only thing that is really wrong with this is that you felt (again, totally understandable!), a bit odd for feeling this way. A good person feels “wrong” for wanting to be a free soul!
I truly believe that it is perfectly reasonable and appropriate. It is basic self preservation! It is a part of survival, and very important.
I applaud your efforts to this point.
also, *Jenny10* has some good advice about tactics! Changing subject/leaving the room…yes. Coping strategies until she gets into the nursing home! She really needs
that level of care, .
and I agree, please get her into a nursing home. She sounds as though she needs that level of care.
ill say it again 😊
and YOU NEED OUT! But YOU must be your own advocate, really. YOU have to get it happening.
I am so proud of you and your HONESTY!!!
I can truly empathize…So much LUCK and hugs,
and admiration❤️

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Reply to OnchiBaby1030

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Some people are naturally doom n gloom people- we had a lady in work like that - as soon as people saw her they would all but run rather than face talking to her. I felt sorry for her and how no one wanted her around and would say to her yes that’s bad but let’s talk about something nice - have you made any special meals this week and divert the conversation
She actually turned out to be a really nice person and didn’t even ignore to her sad talk- it was just talk?
you could say hey mum let’s talk about something nice-the worlds too sad to talk doom and gloom and change the subject or get yourself busy and leave the room and make tea or something
she may get the hint
that said it sounds like you’ve been coping for a long time and reached your threshold of what you can continue coping with/putting up with
time to explore care options
she sounds like she needs full time care now
your visits will be less stressed to her and you will recover from the caring you’ve done and things won’t seem so bad
is it wrong to feel like you are
no
You’re at burnout and had enough
try and get the. Care sorted out before you spoil the relationship you’ve nurtured so well fir such a long time
you need rest- self care
explore all options of help so that you have some me time
best wishes

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Reply to Jenny10

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Reading through so many posts, so many similar, yet also different situations we are all facing.
I'm feeling especially down and defeated the past few weeks. I'm beyond exhausted and cry a lot. My poor mother has lived with me since 2015. She's now 88, was diagnosed with alzheimers in 2013. It's a brutal disease. I've become so angry and impatient, and I can't figure out why? She's not mean, selfish (well not anymore than a small toddler can be), not abusive towards me. She's just confused and scared. She is eating less and less and just losing so much weight. Doctor says her mind will go and body will follow, well I'm watching it. She just wants me - to hold her hand, or hold her like a small child. But I'm so tired, in pain, just sick of the situation, that I can't stand it, until I finally settle down at night and sit next to her. The rest of the day is a blur, cleaning, laundry, etc.
We were best friends my entire life, I'm 63.
I'm sick at heart, having to watch my beautiful, once so vibrant, mother be beaten down by this horrible disease. She's from France, and is tough, born in 36. She's been through hell already! She doesn't deserve this. She raised us, 3 children, pretty much on her own. I owe her my life, I know that. She's extremely intelligent, a Libra, and everyone always loved her.
I get on that pity pot at times, then look at her and hate myself! She's lost everything. Her greatest fear was always alzheimers. She would hate this.
But she still sits on the couch, smiling as she draws on her paper, smiling at the tv, enjoys her ice cream at night, and looks at me like a little girl, with total trust.
So why am I posting this? Because I'm so alone, and so scared. I hate my anger, don't understand it. I love her, why am I so impatient?
Sometimes I do think it would be a relief for her to just go in her sleep. But at night I always say, not yet, I'm not ready to lose her yet. No matter how much it is killing me. I know I'll never be ready to lose her. I'm afraid of what will happen when the time comes.
I have been sole caregiver, 24/7 for 6 years, no help at all. Before when I worked, I paid someone, even my sister, to watch her when I worked. Now there is no one.
I guess I'm just venting. A little afraid doing that, but I'm desperate enough to chance it. Not sure what I'm asking, maybe just for someone to hear me, and understand.
Thanks to anyone who reads and understands.
My heart goes out to anyone in this situation.

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Reply to Tiredandalone

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Tiredandalone, fear can manifest as impatients and anger, you have been operating on high alert for a long time. Be sure and cut yourself some slack.

Your mom is beyond blessed to have you.

I pray that you can find some peace, strength and comfort for yourself.

Great big warm hug!

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I have the exact situation with my Mother, sometimes it feels like she lives on for spite lol

Best to laugh about the situation, once it’s over everyone will be able to heal once and for all.

Maybe at that time you’ll just remember the good stuff, what there was anyway :)

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Reply to Mjustice98

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I honestly can’t stand dealing with my father’s lingering. Wish it were over already. He’s been gone a long time ago. He’s just a shell. He sleeps and drools, barely says two words.

I can’t laugh about it yet. Doubt I ever will. Keep wishing for something to take him already.

(8)

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Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

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