My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
Wish he could have a pet where he lives but that's not an option.
She doesn't like their assisted living facility now. Driving my dad bonkers with constant complaining when she IS awake. Spends most of her time hiding in their room.
It's awful. Sometimes I wonder how she is still alive after everything she's been through medically. For what purpose? She'll never have the real peace she craves until she dies. She doesn't try. Refuses to exercise. Refuses to join in any of the activities there. I seriously feel sorry for her (what that must be like to be so miserable so often) but the truth is I can't listen to her whine anymore oh and everything is about HER. It's effecting me too much. I told her so last night. I'm done. Today I take my dad out and spend time with him. As for my mom....she can just sleep her days away. I can't change her. Someday she'll pass on and when she does I'll be fine and so will she.
As you can tell by my note....yesterday was not a good day. I am just very grateful they have the money to live where they do. She'd have killed me a long time ago if I had to have her living here.
I understand your concerns. I have worked with caregivers for many years. It is very possible every caregiver wishes for resolution to a loved one's illness. These are very trying times. Years ago when someone got to the point you describe they were in a nursing home and family caregivers could for the most part pick and choose when to visit.
Most often I have found that the caregiver is completely burned out. This is a dangerous situation for both the caregiver and the loved one. The concern for the family member is many times a catalyst to severe health problems of his or her own. And for the loved one it can be leading to some legal solutions, especially when the pattern of negativity is long-lived. We each have a point when it is best for all concerned if we take a break from each other.
Most important for caregivers we must take care of out own health as otherwise we will not be able to health when an emergent situation comes up. At this time in the caregiving journey it is better to take a break. This may not even cost for the care of the loved one. Most if not all communities have Respite Care. To check into this break from caregiving look in the white pages under Aging and Adult Care in the county section of the yellow pages (to day this may mean using the internet or checking with Hospice). We learn how much time you can get away from this situation without cost. Or a paid caregiver can be brought in (if this is the avenue we are wishing to take please hire from a reputable agency).
Take advantage of this time to get away from all stressors in our life. Take time to read that book we have wanted to read or go to that resort seen on T.V. There is usually some action that leaves us feeling good whether it is a hobby, an exercise program or visiting with friends. However, it is most important that we not go back to caregiving for at least two weeks. Two weeks gives our bodies time to allow us to be completely rested. Once rested we feel rejuvenated. It is not enough to be just rested but we need to feel good about ourselves.
And whether taking advantage of this advice or not, we need to begin a plan of caregiving which will allow us to afford us quality time away. There are entities that help us meet this goal. Each of us may find caregiving easier and more fulfilling with some rest and a plan we have created not that a situation has created.
We have been placed into a position of ongoing care for a parent or spouse or family member that we love but we either do not want to see them go through further pain and misery or we do not know how to escape the prison we have become locked into.
I can tell you from experience that if you can find ANY way of getting help or relief, take it! I never realized how much pressure I was under until I was no longer under it. By that time I was emotionally a wreck and had to be placed on anxiety medication, and have spent the last two years trying to get over/past it.
It is a normal reaction to at some point reach that time when you will wish that someone in your care would pass on. They may be relieved of pain but in that moment you will have regained your life. Do not beat yourself up over these thoughts.....we have all been there.
AngieJoy and Lassie, you both need some relief. Do not let any guilt seep in. I hope that you can find some relief or another method of care for those for whom you are responsible.
Your elders' lives will end when they end and often times that intense,long-term caregiving can take a terrible toll on the caregiver. You elders' don't want your health to go down while you're caring for them (mental or physical).
If you can't get some relief, at least try to remember each thing we do is a day at a time. Sometimes it's not as overwhelming when we break it down like that rather than think "this will go on forever." Best to you both and everyone else expressing these painful emotions.
Carol
I still read obits. But now my own mother lingers at nearly 95 with advanced Alzheimer's. So now when I note the age of someone recently deceased, I think "Oh God, he lived to be 98"!
Yes, you will feel sad that this is how things are, but what you were subjected to before was far worse and you still felt sad. We can't change what is happening. We can only respond. We can be compassionate and caring and still take care of ourselves. Additionally, you show a lot of insight when you say that your mom was likely subjected to the same treatment. Knowing that makes it easier to forgive her abuse. I'm so thrilled that you are doing well. Your note made my day.
Keep taking care of yourself,
Carol
Thank you so much for your supportive reply and insight. I took everything you said to heart. Coincidentally, I spoke to Mum's social worker at the nursing home and she echoed your points -- that I need to draw healthy boundaries to stay sane and that she fully supported that. See Mum when I can. Don't worry otherwise. Mum has to adjust and so do I.
Today I went to visit Mum and she was horrid. She pulled out all of the usual, familiar behaviours, accusing me of "throwing her away", and telling me that my kids will treat me the same way when I am older. Oddly, this time I didn't feel guilt, but I did feel sad. She even used the Chinese word for "filial piety", which is a horrible, abusive practice perpetrated on the younger generation in China since time immemorial. I know Mum was subjected to it as well, so I understand it's a value that is intrinsic to her identity.
I left Mum brooding to herself and told her I'd bring her grandkids to see her in a couple of days. I didn't feel badly walking away. A month ago I would've been a terrible wreck. I know Mum is safe and cared for.
Thank you again for your support and caring.
After a decade of caring for your mom, you've found a way for her to be safe and cared for and she's still making your life miserable. Even people who once had an even temperament can become nasty after dementia eats up the brain, but in some cases the nastiness was always there. You've had enough.
If she calls you more than once a day - and you know that she's okay - it's fine to not be "available" for each successive call. You don't have to be held hostage to her temperament even though she does have dementia. Please take care of yourself - guilt free.
Carol
"I should kill myself. With a son like you, what else can I do."
"How dare you do this to me. You deserve a bad life."
"When you're old your kids will put you in a place like this too, you'll see. And you'll deserve it."
"Get me out of here NOW. You're a horrible son."
This after caring for her for nearly a decade. I do understand that some of it is her dementia talking, but there's always been a nasty, mercurial side to her. She can be so mean, and shrill, and she feels justified. She can never be wrong.
I still do love my mom, and I want her to be safe and cared for, but I can't do it anymore, and with her progressing dementia and laundry list of physical ailments I wonder if it wouldn't just be better for both her and I that she quietly, painlessly passes away in her sleep.