Follow
Share
Read More

1K Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
20 21 22 23 24
i am hoping my mom dies every day,shes mean to my step dad who has given her the world he is 85 with dementia and almost every day she makes a remark u really are stupid.....neither my brother sister will cry when she dies i will smile ear to ear.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to helpfulone
Report
Often it isn't the hope that someone will die, it's just that the caregiver needs a break and can see no way out. I agree, with fost40, that adult day care can be a boon for both the elder and the caregiver.
Take care of yourself the best you can,
Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Report
I understand how you feel. I hope that your mother goes to an adult day care to give you a break.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to fost40
Report
I don't hope my mother dies. But I really need to have someone get her off of me. She's going to suck the life out of me.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to phoenix03
Report
No one really can grasp how hard it is to care 24/7 for an elderly parent with dementia until they actually do that care taking themselves. It is all too easy to say "I understand what you are going through." But they don't have a clue about abusive behavior, repetitive questioning, disruptive behavior. One should not feel guilty for wishing for a better life for yourself and for your loved one.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to ADCaregivers
Report
No, i feel this way about my mother. My father has passed away and now stuck dealing with mom. She is 83 and healthy but is very overbearing. My sister and I are single with no kids so my parents have always depended on us for everything. They were married for 64 yrs but never did anything together. My sister and I were the go between for them. Our only reprise is when my dad was sick and she wasnt able to visit, i live an hour away and work full time. My parents live in a retirement hi-rise. My mother knows is comfortable other than nervous about being alone for the first time which is normal. My brother who is married called me saying he doesnt feel that mom should live alone. I told him she wouldnt be living with me and my sister. My sister and I have housed my parents before without anyone helping.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to fost40
Report
Thank you, Burnedout13. I'm sorry about your own pain but your answer will help many. Watching such suffering is horrible and most people who are suffering want it to end.
Take care of yourself,
Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Report
My mom died on April 15th after two years of progressing vascular dementia. I often prayed that her death would be easy. It was not. I was with her when she died. For the last 5 months, my mom had no joy in her life. Each day when I saw her, it would take my breath away. I couldn't imagine what it was like being in her situation. I prayed that her suffering would end. And the only way that her suffering would end was if she died. One of the last things she said to me that made any sense, was " I will be glad when this is over." I too was relieved when her suffering was over. I miss my mom of years ago, I don't miss the terrible pain of seeing my mom suffer and the woman that was no longer anyone I recognized.. It is not wrong to want your loved one to not suffer. Give yourself some grace. You are doing a really difficult job.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to burnedout13
Report
You will learn more and more as you exist on the earth, that there is no such thing as death. If you don't believe that, ask the long island medium, and countless of other mediums, and ghost. Yes the body, or what I call the flesh suit dies, but the spirit is eternal.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to johnnylong651
Report
Thank you Carol. Sadly, Mom is a constant reminder that it is now or never and this is the only chance I have to do the things I have always wanted to do, right now. I am almost 70 and putting off my dreams and happiness is no longer an option. I know it is now or never to enjoy life, as one doesn't know what the future will be. This summer we plan to fulfill a goal we have had for several years, to see the country, take a month and travel from sea to shining sea in our camper. Also, we now have two very special, beautiful, well bred, health tested mini poodles to keep us company on the trip and for the rest of our lives. They make us smile and laugh every day. I just wish they could make Mom smile too. But she is in AL safe and cared for as much as she will allow and there is little else we can do but love her and visit her, although she doesn't remember the next day.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to AmyGrace
Report
This has to be so hard for you AmyGrace. It's easy to understand why you feel like you do. I hope that you enjoy your own life as much as possible. You certainly deserve it.
Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Report
This thread has been around for a while, but it will always be pertinent. Our whole family feels it would be better for Mom to pass away quietly in the night, sooner than later so she does not suffer any more mental anguish. Although we wish this for her, it makes me feel guilty anyway. I just want to see her unhappiness end because I can't help her and being with her just makes all of us unhappy too. She will be 101 in a few months and is physically healthy for that age. But mentally, with a negative attitude her whole life, and dementia which torments her, she is barely existing, no longer taking care of herself, has no interests, has no memory, has absolutely no enjoyment in anything. She has ruined her bowels with laxatives, has ruined her weak, emaciated body with anorexic and dehydrating behavior and ruined her mind and enjoyment of life with negative thoughts. She was a good mother, I loved her dearly, we were close but she isn't there any more, hasn't been for 25+ years. With her good health, over this time she could have traveled, had hobbies, special interests, lived well, and enjoyed many things, but chose to be a victim for no reason, even though she is so much better off than 75% of seniors financially and physically. She could never accept aging. Its one thing to hate getting old and try to stay young and healthy and active (I hate aging too) but it is another to simply stop living because of it and spend 20 years either denying it or wallowing in self pity. She refuses help, she refuses anything pleasurable - no showers, no good food, no music, no enjoyment of a sweet puppy, no tv, a good book - nothing. With the dementia for the past two years I doubt she comprehends half of what is going on. None of us has heard one contented or happy sentence from her in 20 years. At her age she is tired, achy, and very very unhappy and there is nothing anyone can do for her because she doesn't want help. Actually, we can't understand why she has not expressed the desire to die because she rejects life. It would be better if God took her home where maybe she could be happy and with my father.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to AmyGrace
Report
NO,,, DEATH IS OK
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to IloveMom
Report
When things like this became too much to handle. I always resulted to praying, and asking for a clearer vision out of my crises. There are many agencies that are in your local area, that can give you some emotional support, as well as spiritual. You have been through more difficult challenges than this, but you always made it through, and it was not just you, that carried you through the many storms, you had help. The same help you had back then, call on it now.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to johnnylong651
Report
I really feel for you, and your mother as well. She is here on the earth to do much, than what she could ever do on the other side. Sometimes karma can be rough, but this is what she is going through right now. Don't lose yourself, in the midst of trying to save your mother. You remind her, that she has chosen this path, and you refuse to allow her to take you down with her. Isn't your peace worth fighting for no matter who it is? You let her no, if she does not behave herself, or seek some assistance for herself where there can be some respectable peace for the both of you, you will be forced to find another place for her to live at, that would be more suitable for her,and her needs.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to johnnylong651
Report
KM1027 - Oh wow. That is unbelievable! Can an attorney help you at all? Have you thought about moving you and "spouse" to another state? (using the term loosely since he isn't much of one!) It might be well worth it! Yes, if I were in your situation, I would wish for him to die too. Don't feel guilty, his life isn't worthwhile, and he is making yours miserable. Many years ago I was married to an alcoholic. He did nothing to help me, ignored the kids, was lazy and emotionally cruel. When he didn't come home from work I knew he was in a bar, sponging off his friends, getting drunk. He would drive himself home at 3am, drunk, crawl into bed stinking of booze and sleep until noon. Yes, I know exactly how you feel - I used to think the only way we would be free of him was if he wrapped the car around a tree! (But, after many years, I divorced him, the kids and I struggled, but I found myself a wonderful man in the end. I truly hope your story will end the same - with happiness.)
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to AmyGrace
Report
I live in a condo and the association has strict rules that no one may rent their property out. Thanks for the idea though. The thought of moving at age 75 seems daunting, especially since I just moved here 1 year ago from a bigger house and did it all by myself. Filled 2 dumpsters and packed every single thing myself. My kids live fairly near, but are not helpful and all work. KM1027
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to KM1027
Report
KM1027 what would happen if you rented out your house and rented something cheaper for yourself?
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Veronica91
Report
Hi, It is KM 1027 in response to Veronica 91 and Amy Grace. Yes, we are in a marital property state, so he gets all that is mine, since we are married. He has no money left. In response to a divorce, here in WI, we are in a state that rates next to last as to help or care for the elderly. Our Gov. Walker who is running for President brags on how he cut our budget and cleared up the deficit. What he doesn't tell you is that he did by cutting care to the elderly and money for schools.
So, currently, I believe in any state, you have to be divorced for 5 years before can claim anything for yourself. In other words, I am still responsible for him and all his bills for 5 years after the divorce, So we can rule out divorce at this point.
Next, yes, I can keep my house, my car and my personal belongings and, here is the kicker, I get only $ 50,000. for the rest of my life to live on- not $ 50,000 a year- $ 50,000 for possibly the next 20 years! So in reality you cannot afford to live in your house and pay your bills, taxes, insurance and on and on. So it ends up that you are forced to sell your house and guess what? Our state just passed a law that if you sell your house, you get to keep not one cent. The government in WI has now the right to take all your profit for the Alzheimer patient ( my husband) and so then the community spouse ( me) is forced to move into a rooming house, or anything dirt cheap so you can live on the measly money they give you, If you live another 15 years and try to live on the $ 50,000. they give you, you can use only $ 3,300 or it per year, if you want it to last 15 years. I have no pension. I get $ 760;/mo. social security. and that's it! I always like to explain to people who say, " Oh, you get to keep your house!" Yes, but who give you the money to pay the taxes, insurance and all the other bills you get when you own a house. It can't be done.
Thanks for your response, but getting back to the first basic question of wishing your spouse would die- I have to say " Yes". If he doesn't, which it looks like he won't as he is fairly young and physically healthy, due to his
$ 100,000 per year assisted living costs, diapers, meds etc. in 4 years I am toast! KM1027
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to KM1027
Report
Get Book "In Side the O'Brien's" about a man getting Huntington's Disease. Will get back to you with the Chapter # to read first. Than read the whole book. Good read. Informative read.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to 126Cher
Report
Are you in a community property state?
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Report
KM27, can't you divorce him? If the money is in your name and you are divorced, you shouldn't have to pay for him any more should you?
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to AmyGrace
Report
KM27 you are in a horrible situation. usually the person who is called the "community spouse' (you) can retain a certain sum of money plus your house, car and personal effects.so everything will not be lost. Find out just how much you would have to work with if you did divorce and start planning. it may not be as hopeless as it sounds.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Veronica91
Report
Belle, I really do get how you feel. It is amazing to hear so many others confess the same feelings. I have been married for 50 years. My husband has had Alzheimers for 12 years now. Our marriage was horrible, with him being emotionally and mentally abusive since the day we married. I stuck it out for the sake of the 4 kids. Further, he kept his money separate from mine, which in the end was a blessing because 2 years ago I found out that he never had saved a dime- just lived from hand to mouth. I had saved a good share of mine after paying half of the expenses, but finally when he tried to kill me 3 times, I had to put him in a assisted living where he is so doped up on Rispiradone that he no longer is violent. Here's the kicker- here is a man I don't even like, none the less love and yet because we are married, I am paying out of pocket $ 100,000. a year of MY money to keep him in a comfortably nice place. Soon in a few years all of my money will be gone and both of us will be on Title 19 ( welfare). I am so angry with him and despise what he has done all my married life and yet now I am stuck with him and he is only 76 and healthy except the Alzheimers. I pray every day that he dies because he has no life to speak of and yet I, who am younger, but not young enough to get a job anymore at 73 due to physical problems myself, will end up sharing a room on welfare with someone when I need a nursing home because he used up all MY money and never saved a dime for either of us. So I really get it. I have been to 3 elder care lawyers and there is no way out at this point. There is a 5 year look back on any divorce or money given to anyone in an effort to safeguard some of it. I think if you love someone things can be different, but if you were abused all your life and then are told you have to pay for this person's care on your own, leaving you in poverty for the rest of your life, that is a very bitter pill to swallow. I am glad for this site so we can all speak honestly. My heart goes out to you. I know how you are suffering, God bless you. KM27
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to KM1027
Report
No, no, no and again NO !! and I speak of experience. My husband was early 50 when the long long way of Alzheimer started. As previously he just had had cancer, all consulted doctors said he was just heavily depressed, feared the cancer to come back, etc.. However I saw that his condition became worse day by day. After abt. 10 years, it was no longer possible to keep him at home, so I placed him in daycare. But about 2 years later, he stayed in a special hospice, where only Alzheimer patients and people with other dementia stayed. My God, he last 6 months of his life I have prayed and prayed that the suffering should end. It was no longer human. He was tied up in bed. He could not talk any more, did not recognize any one of us, not me, not his children and grandchildren. He laid in bed, had to be fed, etc... I know that if this would go on much longer, he would be fed by tubes, and he would have bad wounds at heels, elbows, shoulders, hips and but, etc.. I have seen people, their wounds were so badly and severe, you would see the bones... No I don't lie. Her heels were completely open, and on 1 foot you could seen the naked, white bone. This was terrible. That's why I prayed so much... that his breathing or hart would stop before reaching this stage. And luckily, he never reached that stage. I can assure you that the moment they phoned me, it was bomb deflagration. And I felt so released, thankful. These are normally not words used when someone dies. But I really was very thankful. It is now 7 years ago, and every day I still miss him. and my sorrow is still enormous, but yet still thankful that he did not have to go through the worst suffering . So there is absolutely nothing wrong to hope that someone dies.
Now that I am 64, my mom is still living. Our youth (I had a sister and brother, both younger then me) was purely and simply disgusting. We couldn't do anything good, were punished for the least, she asked all the attention, and we had to bow and follow her. If someone has dementia, or brain disease, you can understand that. But this was not the case. But she hated my father due to something he had done while being a boy of 16 years, and she had only found out after the marriage. Therefore, we were evil !! We did not deserve any nice toys. Birthdays were never celebrated. For Santa, we got cloths, the cheapest or second hand, although my father worked every day, overtime and weekend jobs, so there was no lack of money. On the contrary. She also worked 40 hrs a week or more. And although I was only 9 / 10 years, I had to care of my brother and sister. Well sorry to say, but I sincerely hope that here days are counted and that very shortly we will be able to breath openly. And I certainly will not miss her. When my dad died, I have cried, many many tears, and still do. But when my mom will close her eyes I think that together with my brother and sister, we will have a good lunch, with fine wine. So don't be ashamed. It is time to think of yourself and enjoy life as much as possible. You deserve it ! Wish you much strength and warm huggs from Belgium. Nicole
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Sheba16
Report
Yes, BonnieMac, there are worse things than death. My grandmother would just say that she was tired, she'd lived a long life and she wanted to go. Her death process took longer than we'd have wanted and there was no hospice comfort care at that time, so it was hard. But we could hardly mourn her passing. We missed her - still do - but we knew that she was at peace. Very old people are often ready - especially if they have a strong faith.

Thanks everyone for the insightful comments!
Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Report
It's true you are not alone. And although my mom is not of the same character or medical issues as yours, at 90 years she would like to just go to bed and die. I wonder every morning, will I find her dead today, and what will I do... Then I feel bad because I do hope she gets her wish. Then let it go cause I have to work and my husband and daughter-in-law get to be with her all day. One step at a time. Peace
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to BonnieMac
Report
I have a narcissistic mother too with what I think also has personality disorder as well and now dementia. All my life the focus has been on her and now it still is. She is now in assisted living which definitely helps a bit, but the scariest of thoughts is what to do when her money runs out if she can't get financial assistance to continue living there. I think I will have a heart attack if I ever had to have her live with me. I hope we do not turn out to be like our mothers! Wonder why this is so common? Is it the era they were born and the way they expect things to be?
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Trinity
Report
Please don't feel guilty. You've got so much hurt from your childhood and your dad is still being difficult. Let others do the hands-on care. If you are dragging a lot of guilt, a few sessions with a good counselor can be very helpful.

One note: To forgive helps you and doesn't mean that you forget. It simply means that you have let go of the pain that they have caused you. Something to consider if you seek counseling.

If you can make peace with your parents before they die, that's good for you (I'm not worried about them). But if you can't, then you can't. Take care of yourself. Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Report
I left my parents home when I was 18, now I'm 52 and have both of them living in the same community. Haven't had much contact with them over the years, seeing them at Christmas or other family events and calling about a handful of times. Now dealing with all the past hurt especially from my dad (the main reason I left at 18) who's 92 with lots of health issues taking him out of this world slowly, and learning that my parents relationship wasn't all that loving. My mom's in Independent living and my dad is in Assisted living complaining all the way. He is miserable and makes everyone else miserable - I pray every night that he dies. There is so much past hurt, lack of nurturing and no love loss from growing up that it's frustrating dealing with them both. My mom doesn't want anything to do with my dad and frankly neither do I. He is a toxic personality and everything is about him. He is the typical old school generation and a male chauvinist. He is like a 2 year old spoiled brat that cries and complains until he gets what he wants. How do you deal with all this?
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to friendly
Report
20 21 22 23 24

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter