My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
I realize many caregivers haven't had a really positive relationship with their parent, and know it's got to be harder for them to provide the seemingly endless care and support that's required by the parent/loved one. I think many of us have wondered and even wished for the process to end. It's not a horrible thing to acknowledge that feeling. Hope it helps to know that others have felt the same.
Several people here are married and have healthy boundaries with their life as a couple and their life as a caregiver for parents.
Some are married, but issues from their childhood are now threatening the well being of their marriage as people have unresolved issues either with their dad or with their mom.
This is particularly true of women and their moms as well as sometimes with their dads. A few men seem to be more emotionally married to their moms than to their wives..
Some men have been dominated by their dads or by their moms and their marriage is on the rocks.
Some are taking care of spouses and some are widows.
Some women here have been emotionally controlled by their moms and are searching for their moms to be the loving mother that they never were which ends in disappointment and often divorce. A few of these turn around and blame their mom for the divorce. Others have gained insight into their mistakes and are living with the consequences while warning others not to fall into the same mistakes.
Some who are here and divorced are divorced for completely other reasons.
Some are trying to save their marriage from the damaging impact of their MIL or FIL with various degrees of success. Others are loosing the battle because their spouse can not or will not stand up to mom or to dad and gain their freedom.
Some are building a new life as they date once again.
Some here are divorced for various reasons.
Some are single because their mother never let them date because they don't want to loose their son or their daughter. This is particularly true of parents who have lost a spouse to death. This is true of both women and men who have written on this site.
One consistent theme that I have seen is the result of unhealthy parenting of sons or daughters which place emotional buttons in them as children which are pushed later in adult life by their parent's emotional blackmail via FOG, Fear, Obligation and Guilt. It is like they go on auto pilot and loose any awareness of what they are sacrificing in their parent's call for caregiving. They were raised by parents with unhealthy boundaries and never learned healthy boundaries themselves which is understandable for they are emotionally enmeshed with their parent. It is like an emotional time bomb that just goes off in their head one day and they abandon everything and then cleave to their parents until death do they part.
I've probably left out some things and might sound cynical, but this is my perception and awareness of the marital status of people that I've met or have described their spouses and their marriage on this site.
Take care of your own social life, your physical health, your emotional health and your spiritual health! Set some boundaries with your parents and live!
I used to think death would be better until I watched 'Fade To Blank' which is on this Aging Care Website. I've looked at my mother and others in a different way.
I've seen how people in the nursing home portion of my mom's rehab center treat those with dementia/Alzheimer's and I have a different prospective. I believe advanced Alzheimer's should be treated as a serious end of life issue and Hospice should be able to take people in thus weaning them off drugs that are keeping their bodies alive when their mind is no longer working. And there are so many advances being made with MRI, testing, that tells professionals and their patient's families with much certainty just how advanced the illness has become.
There are many excellent books out there now regarding end of life issues, different methods be tried in nursing homes, assisted living, etc. I think now the main issue is how to wade through the bureaucracy involved with all the medical issues and ways we are treating our older people in today's more enlightened ways.
I will add my voice to the many who have said out loud, or just 'thought' about wishing for the peaceful death of their parent. It's normal. For those who have said it, know that you've helped others, who have not come to terms with it.
Yes, it is difficult to acknowledge (even to yourself) that you hope for an END to the struggle, both for the suffering parent whose quality-of-life has diminished, as well as for yourself, so you can go on with your life. We all feel guilty the first time we have that thought. I will say again "It's normal" to want suffering to end.
This feeling is further complicated for people whose upbringing has been hurtful and unsupportive. It can feel like there is some 'payback' at play, when the not-so-loving and wonderful parent, who has seemingly brought their physical ailments (and their loss of some of their children) on themselves. It's logical when you see this happen to a person who has abused their own body for years, and refuses to 'help' themselves now. Maybe THEY want to be done with their own life. Maybe THEY are also sick and tired of being alive, and have regrets. Every situation is unique in it's origins, but the FEELINGS about it are quite universal. There is no shame about looking into a nursing home. The caregiver is the one who ultimately has to make the decision, which will provide care for the elder AND allow the caregiver their life back. And their sanity. Bless You!
sunnygirl - unless you have been brought up by a narcissist you will not understand how they still push buttons. Many of us here still struggle with that. I think many of us suffer PTSD from childhood experiences which essentially were emotional abuse. Being brought up by a mentally ill person leaves its mark, Though we can learn to deal with them and ourselves better, the past scars remain, You can't compare it to an elderly parent developing dementia. The narcissist has been making unreasonable demands since childhood, and has "imprinted" certain expectations on their children from birth. I am sorry your mother did not care for herself, but glad she as good care now..
When they have dementia and their thinking is very damaged, it's not as if they are trying to drive you crazy. They may make demands for things, but they are mentally damaged....it doesn't mean we have to cater to it. I know my loved one gets plenty of good food at her Memory Care facility, so I would not agree to bring her food from the outside. This is something she is not able to understand, so I have to make that call for her benefit.
My loved one ignored her health for years too. She refused to take her medication, no matter how many times I begged. She refused to see a doctor, even though she needed to desperately, but now her mind is not all there. She has no idea she ever had diabetes or high blood pressure. She doesn't even know her own date of birth. There were times when she was beligerantt, but those days were a phase, IMO and she no longer has the will or energy for that that kind of resistance. Now, she's quite docile and not in touch with reality. The only thing I can feel for her now is pity and I do hope she's not suffering.
Get a lawyer. There are MANY OPTIONS that do not include NURSING HOMES. Yes, even for your mom. Even if you don't have money. Whatever. Once again, there are many options (and I didn't know this) that do not include nursing home care. If you look back at these boards, I did not know the difference between Assisted Living, Memory Care, etc. I do now. And I'm sorry I did not get a lawyer way back!
If you don't get the lawyer, you are going to find yourself spending more money than the lawyer fee.
NOTHING a doctor has told me has ever been true re the law. NOTHING. They do NOT know. They have so many patients, it's not even funny anymore. It's almost like, "Next!"....
Then there is the fact that I wasn't blessed with children... so who is going to drive ME to all the doctor appointments, get MY groceries, etc. I had to scrimp and save, go without for decades to have enough money to buy into a nice retirement facility. I still drive an 18 year old vehicle, which I love because it has saved me so much money :)