Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

When you try so hard to help someone and get no where I think this type of thinking takes place. I know when my cousins' Mother died after years of suffering. She said that her death was more of a relief than anything else. Lady in her 90's with dementia, losing a leg from diabetes etc. etc. Think it is human.

She is here for a reason.... you will figure it out sometime. I wonder why my mom is still around... I think so I can accept her passing when she does. She stopped talking, and in end stages of ALZ......I wonder too, but there is a reason, and I pray that she finds peace...

I noticed that one common thread in this discussion was the combination of dementia and a lifelong personality issues. I've known people with AD who were fundamentally nice people, and even impaired, were still nice people. And not every old person has dementia! I was involved with the care of both my parents, both my husband's parents, my husband, his sister, and visited my brother when I could in his last years. My brother and sister-in-law were the only ones with memory issues. My husband used to say that he sometimes wished his parents would lose memory so they wouldn't keep replaying disputes from decades earlier! My mom died of cancer when I was 17, and Dad was retired and able to take care of her. She was in the hospital off and on for her last 4-5 months, the last time for about 10 days. Our church organized relays of friends who sat with her 24/7 so we were at home the morning she didn't wake up. The friend who was there that morning has told me over the years how privileged she was to be with her. Five years later when I had finished college and was engaged, Dad, who had lived at home while I was in college (with friends to check on him often, and trips to visit my brothers and other relatives) began losing his appetite and refuse his meds. I did what I could to encourage him to eat, but we realized that his digestion was shutting down. He wound up in a hospital where my cousin. an MD, was able to be in charge of him, and I slept there for two weeks. Every day my fiance came over and Dad would tell him to "take your woman out of here!" We were very disappointed that he did not live to see us married, but I realized years later that the only thing that had kept him going after Mom died was worrying about me--the last one at home; my brothers were all married and living in different places. I once overheard Dad telling my fiance's brother that he had never met a man that he thought would take better care of me. So when he didn't need to worry about me any longer, he was ready to go be with Mom. In all these cases, I couldn't ask these folks to hang on any longer; I have often thought that our bodies are designed to wear out so that we will be willing to 'trade them in" .

I share your pain. Mom is 99 and still going strong physically, mentally with moderate and increasing dementia, selfish, whining, negative, confused and totally uncooperative. We are so very tired of doing it all because she refuses to move to assisted living. Her quality of life stinks because she enjoys nothing, is interested in nothing. Our quality of life stinks, the stress is awful and it goes on and on. If she only once laughed, said something tasted good, said anything positive, cooperated in any way, or took a bath or shower, maybe I wouldn't feel this way. But the way she is, her life isn't worth living, while I see so many good life loving people die long before their time. And my life is not happy because of this.

I wish I could give all of you a hug and a pat on the back, we are all living in our own form of h*ll.

I just want my life back. I gave it away when I let her move in...

Praise the Lord! I thought I was just plain old evil because of how I would feel. It has been a while since I got Mama, but there are times when I ask God to not allow her to suffer with this dementia. (I pray that she would die) There are times I would think that I was just being selfish, but after reading this post, I realize, I am not alone. I also know that my pray is not just for me, but for her as well. My Mom was a strong will independent woman, but now I see someone who don't know when to go to the bathroom. It hurts and its sad. Anger does come from time to time, but I keep praying and it helps me to cope. Thank you for the encouragement!!!!!!!

You are not alone, I feel this way about my 100 year old Dad a lot and I feel so guilty , but It's just me and I'm spent!

Willows, perhaps post a question asking how anyone else has dealt with this? The one thing I'm absolutely confident about is that you will not be the first or only person who feels as you do. Good luck, I hope people will have positive things to share with you x

I have a new, very personal question, and I hope you'll understand that I have to ask this question. I have lost interest in sex since my husband has been diagnosed with dementia, and of course the worse he became mentally the less interested I became. He often makes sexual overtures to me, and I am completely turned off by them. He is not demanding or unkind; he just becomes very disappointed. I cannot stand the thought of having sex with him anymore. Is there something wrong with me? As I have posted before, he has never been short or mean with me, always grateful and kind and patient. Sometimes I feel so cruel having to refuse him sex, but I can't stand the thought of it! Help please!

I came onto this post sort of by accident, and I really have learned a lot.

Thank you Agingcare.com for being here to allow all of us human beings who step across this site to learn a thing or two about life and living.

Honestly, regarding the question above, i feel my two cents would not assist anyone. The best of luck to all of you.

No, it is not wrong to hope someone dies. Sometimes I find myself hoping that an evil person will die; sometimes I find myself hoping that a good but suffering person will die. Neither is wrong!

I think there is nothing wrong with wanting your love on to have PEACE. I deal with crying, moaning and confusion every day. Mom can not tell me if she is hungry, hurting, need a drink. I find my self asking God to take this angel so she will have peace. I am a farmer my animals don't suffer like this so why does my mom have to.

I hate to say this ...but I do at times wonder how long my mother will go on. She is 93. I feel like I am in a prison.

From the original post which was posted over 2 years ago: "She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out--which is what happens when you lie on your a** in bed all day and refuse to exercise."
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I'm laughing so hard right now, I'm crying. OMG, this is my mother! Except she doesn't lie in bed, she sits all day watching tv and has done so for just about 3/4 of her life!

Yesterday, we took a short walk. Half way through, she tells me her leg 'aches' and I hate that word. I mean, what does it mean? Does it hurt? How bad is the pain? ETC,ETC,ETC. She doesn't understand the pain scale and uses it backward, i.e., 10 is good, 1 is bad. She's always done this, BEFORE the dementia!

Life is strange.

Yes its wrong to hope? but its normal to pray and hope and wish to end all suffering for them for us.
I pray for an end to my suffering and my mums so i think hope someone dies is a bit strong i think we all want peace and thats nothing to feel bad about!

Oldie but goodie!!

I can certainly identify with you Belle,
My mother was very much the same way. Negative attitude and rarely a nice thing to say in her last year. She went as far as to dig her fingernails into the nurses or aids because she did not like them doing her personal things for her. Of course she could not do for herself.
I am taking care of my Father now in my home, as I have been able to retire and have the time and opportunity. He is the most easy going and not combative person I know, and would never lash out.
Does that make caring for him a lot easier? Yes, at least I can handle him. I know if I had done this with Mom I would have been driven to do something awful.
But, Dad is not here. I only get glimpses of the Dad I know through the advanced dementia he suffers from. He is limited to one liner sentences about the food, weather and such. It drives me crazy that we cannot have a conversation. He gets so confused that the best I can do is give basic commands like stand up sit walk etc. Most of the time after you try to communicate, he just laughs and says yeah, because he is not processing the information. Frustrating for me, but I know it is not his fault. I hate Dementia. It took my parents and changed them into a shell of who they once were.
It would be a relief to see Dad pass. His body has outlived himself. He does not have much quality of life, but I try to make him comfortable.
My Dad was a fighter and has been in the hospital and rehab after an accident. The therapists had to tell him "you need to stop exercising now, we don't want you to overdo this"
He cant fight any more. He just is. Being my parents parent is not my best picture of retirement, or his. Not comfortable for either of us to be in this situation.
So, yeah we know how you feel.

All I can do is ask you a question: "You feel guilty for being human???" (((((HUGS)))))

There's nothing wrong with your hope, it just indicated that the situation is putting too much stress on your life. the worse is we don't have the ability to make this better. I can't live with my mom coz she keeps forcing her thought on others and insist others to follow what she said. So she end up losing a family relationship. And on my side, I lack the compassion to understand her and sacrifice my freedom for her, you obviously did a way better job than me by taking care of your mom. So don't feel bad about yourself.

I can relate to you Belle and to most of the answers here. I see my mother in each answer and I wonder why so many mothers from that generation (I am 60) are so mean, miserable, controlling and narcissistic. I ask one of my sisters at least 3 times a year "where did mom get that feeling of entitlement?" I have wanted to so many times say to her "who do you think you are that you think you are so much better than ANYONE? She judges all, including her own children, and I'm thinking "have you looked in the mirror?" She has worn makeup like a hooker for 40 years and refuses suggestions from her slave daughters about haircuts that would take years off her. She thinks all suggestions are either insults or one of her favorite lines - you girls just want me to look old like those other old ladies. NO mom, we just want you to look like someone we can be proud to introduce to our friends. Truth is we have been embarrassed at her appearance for years. 15 years ago all four of us sisters went to a therapist because we wanted to find out why our mother is SO miserable. Therapist said one thing to us that we never forgot - "your mother is very controlling over you girls." That's when we realized that we had contributed to her becoming this person that we didn't like. After she divorced our father when we were all young, she never remarried and we ALLOWED her to be involved in all of our families to our detriment. She kept her nose in every aspect of our lives and we let her - for years- until it was too late. Once we had our own lives with our own jobs, children and husbands and started to not inform her or include her on everything, she started turning on us.

Now we are paying the price with her meanness and having to listen to the poor me speech all the time. If we say anything to her in the most respectful way about getting help -- or even a suggestion about anything- the wrath of God will come down on all of us, because she gets her jollies on trying to get one of her children to side with her against the other. At this time in our lives we have taken a united stand on this one issue and refuse to listen to her talk about our other siblings. Consequences on this is her being mad, pouting and complaining for the next few months.

And God forgive anyone that says to her how healthy she is (and she really is for 87). She hates to hear this, why? Because that takes away from her being able to constantly complain about how bad she feels. Sinuses (wow) aching knees (years of eating horribly - sugar addict) headaches (made up)... AND they know her by first name at the emergency room because she is so afraid of dying that each time she feels a little ache she makes my poor 66 yr old sister whom she lives with to take her to the ER. Each time the busy doctors say the asme thing to her - nothing wrong. Then we pay again for the stupid doctors because they don't know anything. This has been going on for years.

Ok, sorry I rambled, but the kicker is ...SHE HAS NO MONEY- she is on Medicare because she didn't think about the future after she kicked our dad out. And yes, we have been supporting her her entire life. A dear friend of the family said "if your mom didn't have kids she would be in the poor house." Correct!

I will look closely at the will when I get home. yes, it's so sad because she was a model and an actress in the 60's, very beautiful (and a bit vain I'm sure!) and the way she looks now, OMY- it's not the same person. her worst fear has come true.

Symea1, what your mother's husband decided for her was so wrong. I just went through the same choice for my mom and she died with dignity and quality of life left instead of living on a respirator for the rest of her life. This is what she wanted and I honored her wishes. I would never want my mother to suffer the way your mother is. My heart goes out to you.

Symea, how sure are you about this living will? Because if it's of the kind that has, and if your mother is in a state where it has, any validity, the feeding tube is assault. Similarly, if you have any documented proof of your mother's wishes you do have the option of putting it in front of a specialist lawyer and seeing what the advice is. Your mother's husband certainly does have the authority to make the decisions, but that doesn't mean you and/or others don't have the right to challenge them if he appears to be going against your mother's clearly set-out wishes and current best interests.

I'm afraid people can be kept going by artificial means for much longer than you will probably want to hear.

I'm very sorry for how you must feel, and I'm very sorry for your mother. I can see why you would feel that visiting her is futile at best, and at times - even worse - painful for her. It's a very sad state of affairs. Hug.

wow, I am glad I found this post. I have been feeling very guilty b/c my moms in a skilled nursing facility following a stroke and I no longer want to go visit her. She has a living will that states "Absolutely NO life support of any kind" and has often said, " If I am ever bed-ridden, with no hope PLEASE just let me go, I never want to be like that"
Then she had a severe stroke, complete Rt side paralysis, including her throat.The Dr. said, you have a choice, feeding tube or let her go," So her husband (not my dad) put the tube in so now she's on life support, exactly what she didn't want.
When I see her she mumbles, "Kill me, end this". Has to be restrained 'cuz she'll try to pull the tube out. It's horrible but he has all the power.
Now they have her so doped up she has been starring at a blank wall for 3 years.Has never left the bed has never eaten or even had a sip of water.
It takes me 12 hrs to drive out there to visit and if she is aware she just asks me to leave, Her husband can't figure out why I really don't want to come out there.
We are not close, she didn't even raise me but I somehow felt obligated.
She is miserable and I'm guilty. so how long can you live on a feeding tube anyway? ( I am being a bit sarcastic considering the topic of this discussion) but I do understand about praying for death, as awful as that sounds.

I wish there was a good answer to give you, but you already know the only solution.
At this time in her life your mom is never going to be happy so think of it from the ponit of view "what would happen to them if you were no longer physically able to care for them" Is you mom capable of living independently with your brother? if the answer is yes then look into apartments in elder houseing and get them on all the lists you can. Contact your local Area on Aging and Social services to see if they can expediate the process. I think you said previously that your brother is disabled and unable to live alone so he may be the key to getting suitable housing.
The elder housing apartments are usually for those over 55 or the disabled. the rent is income dependent so that is not a problem. there certainly alternatives out there for Mom and Bro but she probably won't ever be happy or satisfied so you just have to accept that and move ahead. She has to be told the alternatives and understand you will call APS and are going to move on. it is hard and you will get all kinds of guilt trips thrown your way and if you can't face it you will be stuck for ever. so be strong, its new week so take the bull by the horns and take the first step.

My mom is this same way. She is very miserable and demands everyone around her to be miserable as well. She has a ton of health problems ranging from strokes to diabetes to lupus to fibromyalgia and more. I am currently trying to get her to go into a home on her own so I can finally after 31 yrs have my own life. She refuses to do so, demands I stay as her caretaker and my brothers caretaker and that 'I don't deserve my own life'. I don't know what to do or where to turn to. I font want to turn her and my brother over to adult protective services and they go to somewhere I would never want them to be. I want to make sure both are put somewhere they will be happy at. What do I do?

I'm not so sure, there are times when relief of suffering is a blessing and there is no point to or no positive value in delay in death. And you can hope someone dies well and at a right time for them, for want of a better way to put it. I was pleasantly suprised to find this article in Pharos is available to the public:

alphaomegaalpha.org/pharos/PDFs/2014-1-Reynolds.pdf.

This would be a good one for the other thread on "how old is too old" as these folks did their best to make a quality life last as long as possible. With my mom, if we could have delayed it til we had a chance to visit the zoo and see the penguins, it would have been great, but yeah, it was at least getting to be her time and things could have passed the tipping point where her life was more of a burden than any of us would have wanted. I don't know that I ever reached the point of hoping she died but I did realize that I was hoping she would pass before having yet another stroke, heart attack or CHF, total blindness, or dysphagia and inability to eat...she did, I think, have a brainstem stroke (woke up very dizzy, feeling she was falling, could not really swallow) and then an MI that finally took her away from us, but she ate a piece of pizza with us the night before.

I wanted her to not die and we could not have that; I wanted her to not suffer and we could not have that entirely either, though she did get medication to ease her final chest pain; and I wanted to make sure someone was with her, because she had been afraid of dying alone, and we did at least have that.

Can totally see where you are coming from. I don't think its wrong. I fear I will suffer guilt when the time comes as I feel the same way so often. my mother is the most miserable person on earth. she is so unhappy and always was.

I love my Mom but I think she would be happier if she were gone. I only want whats best for her. Alz is tough on all of us. I would grieve her death but I would be happy she is not suffering anymore. She would not want to live with alz and all that it implies.