My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
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It's true others are dealing with the same problem but at some time they can no longer cope just as you can't and there is no shame in making a decision that is for the greater good of all. it is the disease that is driving the hateful behaviour. If she did not always hate you she doesn't now. Her brain is messed up as you know and so are her emotions too so she uses inappropriate ones. it is clear she can not be home either alone or in your care so there is no other alternative whether she likes it or not. do not tell her what you are going to do and do not visit for at least two weeks and after that limit your visits and leave when she becomes inappropriate. Family does need to visit and attend care planning meetings so you can advocate for her. Do not expect the hospital staff and social workers to be nice to you for as they will put it "abandoning" your mother. they may yell and threaten but they can't put her on the street or call an ambulance to bring her home. If they do that lock the door and refuse to answer. Tell the hospital staff if they threaten that you will call the police and acuse them of elder abuse and tell the State medical board what they did. it won't be easy to be this fiem and it will help if you can have a friend either stay with you or go to their house. hope this all works out for you keep in touch however you handle this it will be information for others that find themselves at the end of their rope in future. Blessings
Mom had a severe urinary tract infection a month or so ago and she was hospitalized for an afternoon for observation. We asked for help then, but the doctor said there was no reason to keep her, gave her antibiotics, and sent her home.
And, something else I did not mention...because she is diagnosed with dementia, she is immediately placed in wards of nursing homes with others who cannot communicate or even feed themselves. She is very capable of conversation. She needs to make a friend with someone who can share her pain. There are no in-between places for people like my mom (in my area).
It is pretty lonely during these times--for everyone.
Dear Carol: Thank you for your reply.
I feel better already but mom is taking a nap so that helps.
For you own peace of mind, time for your Mom to return to the nursing home where the facility has 3 separate shifts, each 8 hours, and that person goes home to a quiet environment and is able to start fresh for their next shift.
The interesting thing, I find, on this site, is that those of us who've have fairly normal family relationships don't find it hard to place our parents when it's obvious that they need care. It's just the normal progression of things when your parent has dementia. It seems that it's when there is overwhelming guilt and perceived obligation to give up one's life, sanity and health to fulfill an obligation that doesn't exist. You owe it to your parents to get them what they need, not what they think they want.
Carol
Vascular dementia, regular dementia, insanity...whatever my mom continues to suffer from, is killing me, my sister, her son (those who try to care for her). We have had her in a nursing home twice (both times her insane uproars convinced us to take her out). We have taken her in our homes, and now we are trying to care for her in her home because her NON STOP demands to take her home and hateful accusations forced my sister to give in and take her home without my consent because one night, my sister snapped. HUGE mistake to take her home, but it happened and we can't look back.
So now, everyone is running to her home to take a turn and I began to take my turns in my home because my full-time job in my home requires it. One may say, and has said, moving her around is too hard on her, but even when she is in her home, she does not recognize it. Yesterday, (while taking a turn in my home), she asked me 74 times where she was. "Am I in my home? Or Your home? Where am I?" She cannot be left alone. She cannot find the bathroom EVER. If she were nice, it might be bearable, but she isn't nice. I still cannot believe she is who she became. I would have never guessed my mom could become this hateful person. This dreaded, dreaded disease haunts me.
So, as soon as I answer her question of where she is, no matter where she is, she goes off on a tangent. If she is in my home, she says she wants to go home. When she is in her home and you tell her she is in her home, she asks why she is there because she doesn't believe she is in her home. From there it goes to button pushing..."Are you still married to the same man? Was the FBI here today looking for drugs? Does your son have a job? I am not senile. Take me home! Am I in my home? (Mom, I say, the doctor feels it is best if someone helps you in your home). I can live alone, she screams. The doctor said I can live alone. You just want my money. You just want my home. You are taking things from my home. There is a reason why you won't leave me alone and I am going to figure it out.I am going to call my attorney."
So, there is no joy in caring for her and pity can carry you only so far. There are no special moments or glimpses of who she used to be. But now I have forgotten who she used to be. I now question whether she was ever the person, MY mom, I thought she was.
My dad was a raging alcoholic and she joined him later in life. I was the baby. I stayed around the longest to try and keep peace, protect her. So dad knocked me around as a kid and now mom is knocking me around as an adult. When dad passed, she had multiple accidents (broken bones, breast cancer, COPD), the mini strokes (a bigger stroke) which is why we are where we are today.
I was the main stay through most of her illnesses and I could bear it until her mind started to go.
Now, she is filled to the brim with verbal torture. I cannot bear to walk in her room to take her food or medicine because instantly, she says, "Where am i?" And it starts all over again. No matter where she is, she will fight about it. I think she does not want to be a burden, but rather than be grateful--she is hateful. She refuses to think she is older...she thinks we are equal so when she sees me moving freely (she can't because she has no idea where she is or remember where it is she wants to go, she needs a walker and is hooked to oxygen), I think she secretly hates me. She forgets for a second, I am her daughter...or does she? I can't tell anymore.
The absolute most awful torture is hygiene. If I hand her a warm wash cloth to wash her face, she looks at me with pure hatred. Dear God, I cannot even begin to share what it is like handing her a tooth brush. And a bath? That takes days of preparation. I understand it is humiliating to her and I do everything I can to allow her to do it herself and keep it private, but she is so full of hate, she refuses to wash herself once I actually get her on the bath seat in a warm tub of bubbles. She thanks me when it is over, but she HATES me for doing it.
I know I am done doing this though--caring for her. Almost 3 years. It helps to hear that wishing her dead is more common than I thought. And the death wish is just wanting all of us to be free of this personal hell she is in--we are in.
It doesn't matter if she is in my care or not, because whoever is caring for her calls to vent, complain, scream, beg for release--there is no escape. My sister and I argue. There is no set schedule. I am hated most as my sister is retired and my job dictates how much time I can give. It doesn't matter where mom is, the situation has caused severe hatred and back stabbing. My sister refuses to take her back into her home because my mom says awful, hateful things toward my sister's boyfriend (they are not married). I find it unique that my mom can remember that my sister and her boyfriend are not married. I find it unique that my mom remembers specific things that she can verbally attack the person who is caring for her.
So it is time for a nursing home. My mom points her finger at us regularly threatening us if we put her in a home. We are told we cannot do it if mom refuses. We are told that we must have her declared incompetent if she is not willing to go on her own. Can someone advise?
Three doctors have told her she cannot live alone.
Whoever is caring for her in her home, mom screams at them to get out. "Leave me alone," she always says. She demands we leave her home alone, and we can't, and she demands we cannot put her in a nursing home. What happens to people that do not have a family?
Any advice? Don't bother shaming me for not wanting to suffer anymore. Three years have taken decades off of our lives...there is no pill to cure her hatred.
Thank you Agingcare.com for being here to allow all of us human beings who step across this site to learn a thing or two about life and living.
Honestly, regarding the question above, i feel my two cents would not assist anyone. The best of luck to all of you.
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I'm laughing so hard right now, I'm crying. OMG, this is my mother! Except she doesn't lie in bed, she sits all day watching tv and has done so for just about 3/4 of her life!
Yesterday, we took a short walk. Half way through, she tells me her leg 'aches' and I hate that word. I mean, what does it mean? Does it hurt? How bad is the pain? ETC,ETC,ETC. She doesn't understand the pain scale and uses it backward, i.e., 10 is good, 1 is bad. She's always done this, BEFORE the dementia!
Life is strange.
I pray for an end to my suffering and my mums so i think hope someone dies is a bit strong i think we all want peace and thats nothing to feel bad about!
My mother was very much the same way. Negative attitude and rarely a nice thing to say in her last year. She went as far as to dig her fingernails into the nurses or aids because she did not like them doing her personal things for her. Of course she could not do for herself.
I am taking care of my Father now in my home, as I have been able to retire and have the time and opportunity. He is the most easy going and not combative person I know, and would never lash out.
Does that make caring for him a lot easier? Yes, at least I can handle him. I know if I had done this with Mom I would have been driven to do something awful.
But, Dad is not here. I only get glimpses of the Dad I know through the advanced dementia he suffers from. He is limited to one liner sentences about the food, weather and such. It drives me crazy that we cannot have a conversation. He gets so confused that the best I can do is give basic commands like stand up sit walk etc. Most of the time after you try to communicate, he just laughs and says yeah, because he is not processing the information. Frustrating for me, but I know it is not his fault. I hate Dementia. It took my parents and changed them into a shell of who they once were.
It would be a relief to see Dad pass. His body has outlived himself. He does not have much quality of life, but I try to make him comfortable.
My Dad was a fighter and has been in the hospital and rehab after an accident. The therapists had to tell him "you need to stop exercising now, we don't want you to overdo this"
He cant fight any more. He just is. Being my parents parent is not my best picture of retirement, or his. Not comfortable for either of us to be in this situation.
So, yeah we know how you feel.