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I have a dear friend who has dementia, if i had my way she would die tonight. I know she is not happy. What is the point of living if all good qualities are gone.
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Reply to Mollie90
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I am just going through a major depression right now....I know I need to take some kind of antidepressant but hate the way I feel on them. Hopefully, I will get over myself
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Reply to Photoartc
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I love my husband more than anyone in the world but I can't stand him going through the hell he is going though. He cries every day because he can not remember his friends names or can not communicate with anyone. It is heart benching and the worst thing a couple could ever go through. Honestly, I wish one of us would die and when I say that...it would be so hard on him if I died because he loves me so much and it would be devisating for him with his dementia and, honestly, I think it would be better if he died first. That is not going to happen though because he is a triathlete and has done the ironman 3 times and been so healthy the past 25 years, and in excellent health; except for his mind. I, on the other hand, coming from a tumultuous childhood and prone to self destructive behavior all my life, and only alive today, for him, , will go before him. You do not know the guilt I go through because I am so weak and do not take care of myself for him. I feel like such a failure. He has taken care of me all my life, and now, when he needs me, I am useless. The depression is overwhelming. I hate myself
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Reply to Photoartc
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the question has crossed our minds at one point or another. most of us do not want to admit it.
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Reply to caregiver75104
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(((((Jennifers))))) those are totally normal reactions. Both thinking "when is it going to be over" and feeling guilty are pretty common. and both are OK, We don't know that because people don't talk about such things except in forums like this, in or counselling. etc. Caregiving is a very hard job and takes over your life. I hope you have some help with the caregiving and time to do some things for you. (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
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Reply to golden23
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My dad just saw the neurologist and he said that he's doing better. Forgive me, God, but I felt "oh, no, when is it going to be over?". Yes, I feel guilty.
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Reply to Jennifers
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Death is part of the life process. We will all die. Watching suffering that cannot be helped in this lifetime is agony and wanting someone you love to be out of pain is never wrong. You have a big heart - no reason for guilt.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol
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Reply to Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
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I have cared for my Grandparents and also my Father all of whom I loved dearly... However when you watch someone you love suffering and know that their death is close, I DO not think it is wrong to pray for their death! I know that I will see my Grandparents and my Father in heaven some day when I die. I am now my Mother's primary caregiver and she has dementia. I know that she would love to be in heaven and I know she will be happier. I do believe God is soverign and he decides but I do not think we are wrong to ask. When you love someone you want them to have peace.
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Reply to Jaye
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'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.' Matthew somewhere or other, I'm no good at chapter and verse, quoting Jesus Himself. Sherry, what are you worried about being judged for? You are indeed being Jesus in action, so what you said to your mother was both true and comforting - even if you only said it through sheer exasperation at the time! You're a great daughter x
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Its kind of like our Mother constantly all the time would say "Oh Jesus help me" Oh help me please dear sweet Jesus". I finally got so tired of hearing her say that that I looked her right in the face and said " Mother what makes you think Jesus isn't helping you? I'm right here helping you. Can't Jesus Mother be a blessing through your children ??? " Don't get me wrong. I love Jesus dearly but sometimes you just have to look them right in the face and make them face the facts of reality ! That's all I have to say. Please don't judge me.
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Reply to Sherry777
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Belle;

I deeply understand how you feel. Our Dad most of his life was a mean man, mostly verbally. I'm surprised us 5 kids survived the mental cruelty that I wouldn't even do to a dog let alone a human being especially a child growing up. Watching him beat or Mother so many times and us running out of the house. Then when we all grew up and our Mother passed away we were left with the decision. take care of him or not. For years we ALL tried to prove to him how much we loved him but he never believed us. I guess he never did because he was so busy being mean he always thought we were being kind with a plot. His mental illness finally took a toll on ALL 5 of us when he started needing 24 hour care. We ALL agreed to put him in a Nursing Home not too far from where he lived. Two months later at the age of 86 he passed away during the night with not one of his kids by his side. Sounds cruel ? No it wasn't. You see we all took turns visiting him at least 4 to 5 times per week to check on him, spend several hours with him, eat with him, put cigarettes in his mouth and lit them even though he could barely hold them in his mouth. He was demanding up until his death.When he died someone had just been with him the evening before his death. Apparently the Nursing Home when we told them Hospice was called, they quit taking care of him for some reason. I never saw a Hospice person in his room when I visited. When our Mother died we had 24 hour Hospice and were all there when she breathed her last breath because she showed signs of dying. Our Daddy took a turn for the worst. I think myself he had a massive stroke and it killed him in his sleep. Of course since he was so old, no one at the nursing home or Doctor did an autopsy on him . It was like no big deal. I guess it wasn't after all. I know how you feel. God is still healing all of us from our past. GOD IS GOOD !
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Reply to Sherry777
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Oh, darling. You poor love. Are you not so much wishing she would die as wish the misery and suffering would end? I know they have to go together, so this sounds a bit weaselly, but it's the end to suffering you want to happen. I don't see how you could not wish for that. No, it's not wrong. It will be natural to feel relief; only - be careful. Regret won't end when your mother dies, get rid of as much as you can while she's here. Big hug.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Sometimes it just has to be. No one is infallible. What ever the situation is, do not feel guilty. You are only human!
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Reply to Labs4me
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Zoolife, this is just one more example of what I have said many times: there are much worse things than death. Blessings to you and to your parents. Grace~
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Reply to graceterry
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I was just talking to a few friends today about this very subject. My father had a tortured childhood his mother was horrible beat him, belittled him. He grew up angry, insecure, deeply wounded acting out. Married my mom who beat the hell out of me when I was girl when she was so frustrated with my dad his drinking. I acted out as child for attention the reason. I mention all of this because it's history my history it's generational curves we all have them to some degree. When you are this damaged then do not heal up emotionally I believe I'm seeing the misery of my parents lives play out in front of me. They still live with the misery they no longer can get away from themselves. My mother has lost most of her memory good of her, my father still angry bitter, holding on always ready for a fight. The dementia makes it all worse out of control worse. I pity them then other times I feel so sorry for them. They had such full exciting lives not all is lost, now they simply exist without even the memories of any good times. Yes I want them to be at peace it hurts me to see them suffer immobility, pain in their bodies, death is creeping in on them it seems at times then there's reprieve. It's hard to deal with them, but I imagine even harder being them. I pray God will give them peace, either living or seems it will only come in death. In the crossing over I can tell my father is in fear of the crossing, my mother told my years ago she was ready. I love them enough I hate to see them suffering in fear this way where their minds hold them captive, now they are prisoners there in what ever goes on in what's left of their minds!
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Reply to Zoolife
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It is hard to watch someone we love suffer and struggle... Have you talked with anyone at hospice Joanne19335??? I cared for my Father when he had cancer. I do not think the Drs realized how ill he was... He chose not to have chemo we did "comfort care". He looked right at me and said if I am terminal I wish to terminate. I said I know Daddy and you will... He did die peacefully and with dignity.... I miss him EVERY day however I know he is in heaven!
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Reply to Jaye
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Belle, I, too, have thought about this and have asked God to understand. It may sound selfish, but my husband is terminally ill and I want him to go peacefully. Instead, he insists on opting for chemo that is making him very ill. Our oncologist told us that we should "get our affairs in order" rather than live out the rest of our lives this way. Your thoughts are among many that others like me have, and my husband is the sweetest, kindest and most generous human being I've every known. I just want him to die in peace without pain and sickness. You are not alone, Belle.
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Reply to Joanne19335
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according to alice cooper in wicked young man, he never ever sleeps he just lies in his bed wishing for the day when everybodys dead. seems a bit rash but who wants to argue with a crank zombie?
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Reply to anonymous158299
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good question but nobody really knows? I think it has alot to do with thier physical health aswell, for example my neighbours father has been suffering with als for years over ten BUT he is in very good health and at 88 who knows just how long he will live? my mum will not live very long as she has too many complications diabetes,high blood pressure,high cholestrol and does NOTHING to make her life better so hopefully we will not have to see her suffer for too long? but who knows? even going for a short walk everyday could delay her dementia but she couldnt careless?
I wish i could have some peace as im not coping with her and her negative world I wish her peace and if that means death then im prepared for that.
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Reply to kazzaa
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What is the expected life of some one who has dementia?
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Reply to wonderful
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you are not alone in wishing she would die. sounds like my mother in law. It would be better for her and you too so why feel guilty. My husband has dementia he ask the Lord every day to let him die. I wish he would die also for his own sake and mine also. I tell him the Lord is not ready for him yet. Just remember the Lord is always with You talk to him.
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Reply to wonderful
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This question is dated March 2012. Is there an update from Belle Fleur?
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Reply to pamstegma
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There is no shame in wanting a narcissitic & borderline personality parent to die when circumstances make you a caregiver.
I am in such a sitaution. My mom & I have never gotten along. She was abusive during my childhood. Her health problems are largely the result of her poor choices (i.e. she loved to wear heels, but she was between 230 & 250 lbs and had numerous falls which have caused chronic back problems). She is diabetic but fails to monitor her blood sugar, exercise, or diet. I've been dealing with her poor health for 30 yrs. Now she refuses to go to any doctor. She is an controlling, critical, angry, & negative person that has no friends. When I act as a caregiver I feel as though I am being used & manipulated. My mom is a never ending bottomless pit of need & anger. She refuses to take any responsibility for her health or to see the health professionals that could treat her ailments. She doesn't want any in home help of any kind. She is willfully blind to the effects of her poor mental & physical health on her family (both my dad & I have our own health issues). She doesn't care about anyone but herself. I see no end to her increasing decay. The problem is that she is competent so I can not make any medical decisions for her against her will. There are times when I am overwhelmed & wish for her death. My hope is that I will become distanced from this day to day hell once I move out. Then her problems become more her own. Perhaps my resentment & anger towards her will decrease. I can not continue to let her dictate my life. However I worry about leaving my dad alone to deal with her. He deserves better as well.
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Reply to sienna2125
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"Death is the only certainty in life,for us, our loved ones.One day each of us will pass from life as we know it over to the unknown."
But what of the spirit;where does all that life,vitality and energy go? Surely it just cant end? some say it does. Others believe there is something more.

This is a book im reading at the moment its very interesting im not overly religious but i do believe that there is something else after death something wonderful and this book confirms that.
The book is called "there are no goodbyes" will let you know what i think when ive finished it but right now Im finding it comforting to read and would like to believe that there is something else out there!
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Reply to kazzaa
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I wouldn't wish dementia/ alz on anyone. I'd rather die young with my mind in tact than live to be 90 with it gone... This disease is a cruelty. There's no dignity in this type of death, and all we can do is try to maintain whatever dignity there is to be had for them, by keeping the elderly safe, clean, fed, to make sure they're not alone, etc... It's hell on the person with the disease, and it's hell on the care giver. I want my mom to die. And I don't. I'm glad she smiles and laughs when I'm around. But she's declined so far now... Every time I leave from a visit I end up crying my eyes out, then I feel like I'm on the verge of tears half the day here lately...

I want my mom to start that brand new adventure that is death. I don't see death as some cold hole in the ground, or floating on clouds... I have a very different version of what happens after death, and in my mind, it's going to be a wild, joyful ride where the impossible becomes possible, and dragons in some distant galaxy are flying the skies and I get to meet them... Yeah, there are a whole lot of things worse than that..
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Reply to StandingAlone
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Belle, thank you for sharing what you really feel! Your not alone, your speaking up allows me to voice yep thought the same thing myself. My father's dementia cause harm everyday I'm with him! Sure he can't help some of this but he's always been difficult and a narcissist, he's so miserable, so is my mother. I look at them sometimes and wonder why God do you keep them alive, what's the purpose they are so unhappy, they make anyone who has to spend in time with them miserable at some point, brought me to tears often in the past month. I've been in therapy for years trying to get past the upbringing I had. It was horrible my mother beat me, my father drank. Now there is their late 80's and I find myself wanting to scream when the attorney says your parents are delightful! Sure they can be that's what's so crazy making they really can be sweet kind and giving. But I cry a lot dealing with them I've lost my job no insurance, now maybe my house. Because going back to help for a month was only putting a band aid on a gabbing wound. So don't feel bad Belle wishing at times they would pass. I believe we're all living longer not better! We strive to stay alive and many times I've had to ask myself is this the quality of life I want NO!
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Reply to Zoolife
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Is it wrong to hope someone dies? Not from where I'm sitting.

I hope my mom passes peacefully, in her sleep, very soon...for her sake, and mine. Neither one of us is living life...we're both just enduring it. She as a sick elderly patient with late stage Alz/dementia, me as her care taker. My mom's death is the only thing that will free us both.
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Reply to StandingAlone
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you cant blame a caregiver for wanting to resume their own life but for that to happen you have to imagine an elder crappy-ing off. its a damned unavoidable guilt trip and mind game with your own being and ethics. my mom is gone a month now and i even miss her demented craziness but i have to admit i feel like i just got out of prison or something. my time and energy are my own now.
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Reply to anonymous158299
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My mother has passed away in March and I can relate to all responses give.
Dementia made what was little left of her life miserable. She had all the negative traits that you all have referred to and I also asked God to take her, for her good and for mine. Let me just tell you that when the time comes no matter how it goes you will feel guilt for hoping for her to die. It seesaws between knowing it is the best but feeling guilty that I wished for it. Don't be afraid to surround yourself with close friends and family and express your feelings. Just having them reassure you makes you KNOW that the guilt is not justified. There are many people out there who are going through the same thing.
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Reply to TreadingWater
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You are NOT WRONG. There are worse things than death, and that is a miserable life. I'm an RN 30+ years and know from eperience as well as my own parents. Forgive yourself and know that you are loved.
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Reply to gr8fulnurse
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