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There is no shame in wanting a narcissitic & borderline personality parent to die when circumstances make you a caregiver.
I am in such a sitaution. My mom & I have never gotten along. She was abusive during my childhood. Her health problems are largely the result of her poor choices (i.e. she loved to wear heels, but she was between 230 & 250 lbs and had numerous falls which have caused chronic back problems). She is diabetic but fails to monitor her blood sugar, exercise, or diet. I've been dealing with her poor health for 30 yrs. Now she refuses to go to any doctor. She is an controlling, critical, angry, & negative person that has no friends. When I act as a caregiver I feel as though I am being used & manipulated. My mom is a never ending bottomless pit of need & anger. She refuses to take any responsibility for her health or to see the health professionals that could treat her ailments. She doesn't want any in home help of any kind. She is willfully blind to the effects of her poor mental & physical health on her family (both my dad & I have our own health issues). She doesn't care about anyone but herself. I see no end to her increasing decay. The problem is that she is competent so I can not make any medical decisions for her against her will. There are times when I am overwhelmed & wish for her death. My hope is that I will become distanced from this day to day hell once I move out. Then her problems become more her own. Perhaps my resentment & anger towards her will decrease. I can not continue to let her dictate my life. However I worry about leaving my dad alone to deal with her. He deserves better as well.
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Reply to sienna2125
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"Death is the only certainty in life,for us, our loved ones.One day each of us will pass from life as we know it over to the unknown."
But what of the spirit;where does all that life,vitality and energy go? Surely it just cant end? some say it does. Others believe there is something more.

This is a book im reading at the moment its very interesting im not overly religious but i do believe that there is something else after death something wonderful and this book confirms that.
The book is called "there are no goodbyes" will let you know what i think when ive finished it but right now Im finding it comforting to read and would like to believe that there is something else out there!
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Reply to kazzaa
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I wouldn't wish dementia/ alz on anyone. I'd rather die young with my mind in tact than live to be 90 with it gone... This disease is a cruelty. There's no dignity in this type of death, and all we can do is try to maintain whatever dignity there is to be had for them, by keeping the elderly safe, clean, fed, to make sure they're not alone, etc... It's hell on the person with the disease, and it's hell on the care giver. I want my mom to die. And I don't. I'm glad she smiles and laughs when I'm around. But she's declined so far now... Every time I leave from a visit I end up crying my eyes out, then I feel like I'm on the verge of tears half the day here lately...

I want my mom to start that brand new adventure that is death. I don't see death as some cold hole in the ground, or floating on clouds... I have a very different version of what happens after death, and in my mind, it's going to be a wild, joyful ride where the impossible becomes possible, and dragons in some distant galaxy are flying the skies and I get to meet them... Yeah, there are a whole lot of things worse than that..
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Reply to StandingAlone
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Belle, thank you for sharing what you really feel! Your not alone, your speaking up allows me to voice yep thought the same thing myself. My father's dementia cause harm everyday I'm with him! Sure he can't help some of this but he's always been difficult and a narcissist, he's so miserable, so is my mother. I look at them sometimes and wonder why God do you keep them alive, what's the purpose they are so unhappy, they make anyone who has to spend in time with them miserable at some point, brought me to tears often in the past month. I've been in therapy for years trying to get past the upbringing I had. It was horrible my mother beat me, my father drank. Now there is their late 80's and I find myself wanting to scream when the attorney says your parents are delightful! Sure they can be that's what's so crazy making they really can be sweet kind and giving. But I cry a lot dealing with them I've lost my job no insurance, now maybe my house. Because going back to help for a month was only putting a band aid on a gabbing wound. So don't feel bad Belle wishing at times they would pass. I believe we're all living longer not better! We strive to stay alive and many times I've had to ask myself is this the quality of life I want NO!
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Reply to Zoolife
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Is it wrong to hope someone dies? Not from where I'm sitting.

I hope my mom passes peacefully, in her sleep, very soon...for her sake, and mine. Neither one of us is living life...we're both just enduring it. She as a sick elderly patient with late stage Alz/dementia, me as her care taker. My mom's death is the only thing that will free us both.
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Reply to StandingAlone
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you cant blame a caregiver for wanting to resume their own life but for that to happen you have to imagine an elder crappy-ing off. its a damned unavoidable guilt trip and mind game with your own being and ethics. my mom is gone a month now and i even miss her demented craziness but i have to admit i feel like i just got out of prison or something. my time and energy are my own now.
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Reply to anonymous158299
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My mother has passed away in March and I can relate to all responses give.
Dementia made what was little left of her life miserable. She had all the negative traits that you all have referred to and I also asked God to take her, for her good and for mine. Let me just tell you that when the time comes no matter how it goes you will feel guilt for hoping for her to die. It seesaws between knowing it is the best but feeling guilty that I wished for it. Don't be afraid to surround yourself with close friends and family and express your feelings. Just having them reassure you makes you KNOW that the guilt is not justified. There are many people out there who are going through the same thing.
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Reply to TreadingWater
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You are NOT WRONG. There are worse things than death, and that is a miserable life. I'm an RN 30+ years and know from eperience as well as my own parents. Forgive yourself and know that you are loved.
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Reply to gr8fulnurse
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You are in good company. I think many of us reach a point, as caregivers, that we just want the one in our charge to just go ahead and die. You are right in that, especially with Alzheimer's and dementia patients, their death would not only bring them peace at last but it would also bring you and your family some peace and closure.
I was having something of a crisis of faith because I've been hoping, and even praying, that my MIL dies very, very soon. She was always an extremely bigoted, judgmental, and egocentric person. Her Alzheimer's has only worsened all the negative aspects of her personality and behavior.
Then a dear friend gave me a new perspective. He said it is not wrong to hope and pray for her death because Alzheimer's and dementia are the slow and agonizing destruction of one's personality, the slow dying of all the traits, good and bad, that make the person what he or she is (or was). He went on to say that wishing/praying for her physical death was in the same category as wishing or praying for the death of a cancer patient who is in great pain or wanting the death of an accident victim whose recovery would mean, at the very best, living a very poor quailtiy of life constantly in extreme pain.
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Reply to Mimsey
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Add me to this list of those experiencing narcissistic aging parents in poor mental and/or physical health who are miserable, making everyone around them miserable. I have been dealing with my mother for several years. She is alcoholic and smokes like a chimney. I've got my own physical limitations and was forced to move in with mom nearly 2years ago. It's been HELL and I find on a daily basis I'm wishing I'd never moved in, and wishing that mom would just die. She's miserable and moody, dementia is setting in. I'm here to basically keep her out of assisted living as long as possible, she'd rather die in her own home. This has taken such a toll on me and my sister that we just wish she'd go peacefully in her sleep so we could then have some joy and peace the rest of our lives. I'm exhausted on a daily basis. Yes I'm in counseling, taking anti anxiety-anti depression meds also taking exercise and meditation, relaxation classes so I am trying to "take care of myself. Anyway, bless you all, for knowing I'm not in this alone helps. This website has been a great source of comfort and information for me.
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Reply to Carek1230
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Well a very interesting topic as I think we all think this at times! My mum has NEVER been happy a very angry and negative woman who drove my dad away years ago never really made friends has fallen out with her own family etc... BUT shes been there for us, a burden YES impossible to please YES always negative and hard to make happy had a MISERABLE life and reminds me everyday of how bad her life has been but shes my mum and im trying my damnedest to help her and its not easy I dont want her to die I want her to have peace I want to beleive really believe that she will be a happy person in the next life I really want to beleive that.
I hope she wont suffer too long with this and die peacefully and quickly I feel she will?? If when she dies I hope to God I will see it on her face a huge smile that finally my mums found happiness and peace!
Hugs to all, as this is tough and nobody would want this for anyone to go through I hate this disease and I hate what its doing to me and my family but most of all what its doing to her.
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Reply to kazzaa
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Wow is right! I had no idea there were so many people with problem mother's like mine...I really appreciate this site...I feel better. Had a very rough visit with my mom today and she got a bit mean with me..I am the only one to do her errands,bills, laundry,etc. It's been going on for months and she does not even try anymore to get better...today she told me to just stay away....as I sat there on her bed with her bills made out and ready to mail..so I said ...who will you get to do this for you? And she changed her tune real fast...She used to be just depressed now the mean is coming out..as I knew it would....so thank you all for telling your stories...we must all hang in there as it can not go on forever and we can get our lives back :)
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Reply to tiredmom4
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Graceterry is living up to her name. My response to Raven1's comment is not so generous.

To say we 'all' feel guilt is to assume .. no, is to try to pressure us to feel guilt. Not once have I felt an iota of guilt, remorse or regret at wishing for my mom's death. It was *her* wish, after all.

Don't presume on everyone's behalf. Some of us do not have the same belief system as you.
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Reply to LadeeC
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Raven1, you write:

"...we all deal with guilt for having these feelings and we are afraid God is going to condemn us...." I wish for you to know that not "all" of us feel guilty and fear that God is going to condemn us. I feel concerned for you that this is your experience, and please know that you have other choices rather than to feel guilty and afraid. God as I understand God does not condemn me for being human and therefore imperfect. God as I understand God loves me without condition. You have a perfect right to your beliefs which may be very different from mine and I respect that right. However, please know that there are other ways of believing and being in the world. We are not "all" feeling guilty and afraid, though I will say that I was "programmed" for exactly that by my early life experiences and teachings. I outgrew that and decided to change my thinking. It is a choice we all have as adults. Peace to you and blessings to all, Grace
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Reply to graceterry
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I have read on this site on another thread that many, many people "hope" their parents or loved ones pass away in their sleep. I think that most all of us have prayed for that. I don't want my Mom to suffer so if she passed in her sleep I think that would be most peaceful for her. The thing is we all deal with guilt for having these feelings and we are afraid God is going to condemn us.

You are not alone.
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Reply to Stressed52
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The last two weeks of her life, I wished my mom's death. She was in agony under the extreme doses of morphine. I will always miss her. I've never been sorry I wished for the end of her pain.
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Reply to LadeeC
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Maywone, you write: "... when (parents) are gone you no longer have their strength, thoughts, love, courage..." I respectfully disagree. Both my parents died in the 1980's and I still have their strength, thoughts, love, courage, and many other wonderful traits that they bequeathed to me. I also believe that they are still aware of me and are my most loyal "cheerleaders" - even more purely and sincerely than when they were alive on this earth in their physical bodies. For several years after my mother died, I often had the thought, "No one will ever love me the way my mother loved me..." and I would feel just awful. Finally, one day I thought that thought, I felt awful, then I caught myself and said, hey, wait a minute, I think I will change that thought to "My mother still loves me without condition...there are others who love me without condition....THE WHOLE UNIVERSE LOVES ME WITHOUT CONDITION!" ...and I felt absolutely wonderful and I felt connected to my mother on a very deep level....much more connected that when I was telling myself, "She's gone....and no one will ever love me like she loved me." I miss having my parents alive on this earth in their physical bodies and selfishly I would love to have them back. But that is not my decision or choice. Since they have made their transformations to whatever comes next, I now choose to believe that their love for me transcends the transformation we call death. I cannot "prove" that is true, but no one could disprove it either. I know one thing for sure, it feels better to believe that we are still connected. Blessings to all -
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Reply to graceterry
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Ohiodaughter, my mom is in an assisted living home for dementia/Alzheimer's. We recently changed her doctor over to a visiting physician due to the fact that she became extremely anxious when we took her out of the building. The new doctor signed her up for hospice services due to her severe dementia. It will have to be reviewed every couple of months but it is possible to get that type of service for your parent.
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Reply to tltimme
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Ohiodaughter: I'm with you on this issue. I think Dr. Kevorkian was a great man, and we need more advocates on the issue of dying. I just wish they would come up with a different term, other than "assisted suicide". I believe when a person has so many health issues, and has gotten so sedentary, it simply is not living, but only existing. Someone should come up with an "End of Life" pill.
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Reply to suzq60
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We all have those thoughts; it's human. When someone is obviously suffering from a disease, like dementia, it's a kindness to let them go. Asking them to stay in that condition is inhumane. If they tell you that they would like to die, let them go. Most seniors I have worked with can tell you when they would like to go/ are ready to go. I suspect that they only reason (even if they have dementia in which we all think they don't know what's going on--I think they do but are unable to express it) is that they are hanging on for someone else they think still needs them. Giving them permission to let go is compassionate. I'm looking at this myself at the moment. When she decides it's time for her to go, she will tell me, and I will tell her that it's OK. I'm here to show her the way to the light. No, I'm not looking forward to any of this, but it is the end of life we must all go through.
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Reply to sandfox
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And yes there are days I wish he would or that I could to be done with this roller coaster of life
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Reply to bellahavenb
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Also diabetes...plus now he has dementia.....I do have a bit of empathy because he is a person....no love...its been gone for years..i dont even like him......hate..yes at times when the day has been extremely stressful.....so now I must continue to endure the abuse and see to it he eats. And functions
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Reply to bellahavenb
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Unfortunately I totally. Understand your feelings.....I really wih I had an answer for these thoughts....cause I would use it.....my husband of 50 years..has always been a narsacictic- verbal and emotional-manipulator-abuser...I attempted a divorce about 5 hare ago....didn't go well or happen....then he started becoming ill with numerous health issues(most of which he could have avoided if he would have taken of his self-but he always wanted someone else to take care of him)....now he has heart....stroke..seizures...prostrate cancer stage 4metastized
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Reply to bellahavenb
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I use to have those thoughts also to a small extent. I am SO VERY SORRY now that both my parents are gone. I am ashamed of myself for having thoughts like that. They may be difficult. Not excercise. Take you for granted. Expect too much from you etc,etc,etc. But guess what when they are gone you no longer have their strength, thoughts, love, courage. You can never call them again on the phone or visit them. You will have no reason to complain about them except the fact that they are no longer with you.
Think what you want but don't forget one day they will be gone and you WILL BE SORRY.
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Reply to Maywone
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I'm grappling with this now...especially when she tells me daily that she wants to die. And there is nothing I can do but love her and care for her until it happens.
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Reply to hev1128
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I think we have all struggled with this thought/question. We do not want to admit it but yes we all probably have wished for an end to their torment as well as our own. My mother rants that "She will be so glad when she is gone and buried out by my father." I use to respond, I no longer do.
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Reply to Stressed52
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childofvet, You should not feel bad about wanting your dad to cross over. I want my dad to go because he is almost exactly the same way you are describing your father. My dad has had to be placed in the secure side of the NH where he has been wreaking havoc for several months now. He wants to leave and he just simply cant. He really has a lot of fight left in him but his mind is gone. His dementia has stolen away his memory except that he still knows where he is. He has progressed from trying to get a key from the nurses and threatening to hit them to kicking the door and having to be sedated. We are only on about day 5 of his being in secured side and each day he is more and more distressed. He slapping the nurses hands and they are giving him a wide berth. I feel that the quality of life he had is pretty much gone. He went from watching TV and not doing anything to wandering around clawing at the walls. There is no other choice here and I feel that he would be more comfortable if he crossed over. He could move on to his next assignment or purpose because he has nothing but severe confusion and anxiety. It's very sad to watch and to know that he is suffering psychically like this when it's so unnecessary. I just can hardly believe that it's really this awful for them. I know his spirit is in there and he has been a colorful character but since he has disintegrated to this level, it really has just become pointless. It isn't up to me of course but if he took his leave, I would be happy for him. He would be free and released from this hell inside of himself. :( Poor daddy.
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Reply to butterflygrl
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Belle- I feel for you. My mother and father both smoked and drank their health and finances away. My mother is living with me now but moving out next month. She is in better health than yours, I think, but I'm not sure that's a blessing. She stares at the tv all day until 5pm when she can start drinking. What a miserable life. I wonder what's the point. And my poor kids who have to put up with a wasted grandmother every night. So you're not wrong and shouldn't feel guilty for thinking the way you do. You wouldn't want to live that way so that's why you think this. Hang in there.
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Reply to njmommy
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BelleFleur, all of us go when our dear Lord calls us home. If you can do it, think of your mom as she will be in heaven, cured of all earth's ills. And no, it's not wrong, everyone who is weighed down with an unloving/incapable of being loved relative feels the same, don't beat yourself up for being a human being.
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Reply to praying15
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As I have posted earlier, I have an elderly dad (much, much older than I am) who has advanced dementia, is amputee, and is in poor health. He is in a NH and has just gone under hospice care. I have always been close to my dad and had a good relationship with him overall. He was usually kind and easy-going. Very generous on one hand and quite selfish on the other. I am his POA, and my husband and I are really the only two family members who visit him on a regular basis (every week). Anyway, it has now gotten to the point where I cannot stand visiting him because he has gotten so mean and so combative. I feel like his punching bag. Just lately he has taken taking swipes at people and hitting them when they try to feed him or assist him in some way. YES, we give him medication for ALL his ailments and that his calmed him down. but when he is mean he is MEAN, and I am still hurt and angry over this. I think that I get the worst of his abuse whenever I visit, and I do not know why his anger is directed at me in particular. One never knows if it is "safe" to approach him or not. One minute he may accept the food or drink that we are giving him and the next minute he may slap your hand or take a swipe at your face. He hit me in the face a few days ago and I was hurt and humiliated by this. I am tempted to hit his hands to make him stop, but seldom do. My husband DOES slap his hands like one might do a child for hitting others, and my father is a little more respectful towards my husband because of this. It is as if my father knows what he is doing despite the fact that he has dementia. He will take a swipe at someone or slap them, and then pull his covers closer to him (they are already up to this neck) and hold his hands in front of his face as in a defensive way. It is NO joy to visit him. He has no quality life and cannot do anything like watch television, read a book, have a conversation, or sit up in a wheelchair (he used to do the these things but he has declined so much that he cannot although we TRY to interest him in things like this). He must be miserable and he is making everyone else around him miserable. I agree with someone else when they said that they lost the person that they knew as their parent. I do not want to remember his this way. I doubt I will cry much when he passes. I have already cried over him many times before and I am cried out now.
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Reply to childofvet
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