My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
My Mother had many of the illnesses and challenges the original poster's Mom had and more. There were times when I prayed to God to take her. Her suffering was unbearable for her and I can't describe how seeing my Mom go through what she did... how it affected me. Still affects me.
I did the best I could for her. I was there for her. I tried to make her as comfortable and happy as possible.
That's all anyone can do. It's OK to wish peace for someone you love when you see them suffering so. The guilt that comes with the wish for an ending to suffering ... IGNORE it. You are doing right. Your heart is in the right place.
Anyone that watches a loved one suffer and doesn't care. That's the scary picture. That's the person that should feel guilty.
To some it sounds horrible to wish death on a parent or loved one. But, I don't feel guilty over these feelings. I feel this way because I love her so damn much.
but now she is in the nursing home all of us have had some peace of mind and can enjoy our visits with her. I had surgury at the beginning of this year and couldnt drive for 3 months. mom didnt even realize that i had not been there.
i also have wished that God would take her out of her misery but really she is no more miserable than she had been before the dementia.
but in the home she is safer and has the care she needs and we have peace of mind. we also know the worst is to come and pray we can handle it when she doesnt know who we are.
God will take her when her time on earth is done and not a moment earlier. this disease has brought us kids more together than we were ever allowed to be growing up. so some good has come of it. Just love your parents as long as you can.
Southernyank, sorry to hear the nurse notice some signs of Ad. You are in my prayers.
To get to my point, NO, don't feel guilty about wanting your mom to go....When God is ready he/she will take her. Just pray for peace and no pain....
If possible consider Hospice care ---It was the best decision I ever made for her.
My love and hugs to all of you who are caregivers. We are not alone.
Mother is seldom pleasant to me, and quite often refuses to even speak to me for hours on end. She has been lazy her entire life. She doesn't want my attention until I start to do something. THEN she wants to wander and try to get into stuff she needs to leave alone. OR... if I go anywhere, she does all kinds of odd things... such as pooping in a waste bin in the bathroom, or something else equally as odd. She will wake up from a sound sleep if I WHISPER to someone that I'm going to lay down and rest for awhile. Within 5 minutes she is raring to go! This is not an exaggeration! For 6 weeks after I started staying in her house I existed on less than two hours of sleep every night!
That said, the point is, if I had put her in a nursing home, she would probably already be dead. Since I give her around the clock care, she is still doing well. But I am tired! I haven't gotten to sleep in my own bed for more than a few nights in a year and a half! She is lingering, and growing lazier by the moment (as well as growing weaker from inactivity). Is it any wonder that I am ready for this to be over? But then I feel guilty for feeling this way. So, I spoke to the minister. His words to me made me feel much better. I hope they help you as well.
This is a completely normal feeling. Please do not feel guilty for wishing your mother would just let go and quit making your life miserable. If she were a dog or cat and were in pain and suffering from the amount of confusion there is bound to be associated with Alzheimer's, then you would do the humane thing and euthanize them. We cannot do this with our elders. What we CAN do is to choose to ignore their nastiness, and take the high road and be pleasant to them in return.
I find this difficult quite often... but I also realize that my mother takes perverse pleasure in being difficult, cantankerous, and quite frankly MEAN. When it gets too bad... I just smile, walk away, and say... "I'm okay with that. You are the one that will have to suffer the consequences of your actions. Not me."
It works! Good luck!
It is his loss. Mom may have dementia, but her personality is sweet and sassy. I never get tired of telling her I love her...and sometimes she responds back.
On the other hand, there are times when the burden of caring for a person who no longer has quality of life certainly makes contemplating their death feel like a bad thing, but if you were the compassionate friend giving advice, would you really tell that person they were wrong for those feelings?
I sent you a message. I mentioned leaving a spouse because one post involved a woman who wanted to leave, but her mother-in-law threatened to cut them out of the will. So, her husband was going to stay. She said she wanted to leave.
So, it wasn't aimed at you...Unfortunately, we caregiving types can get sensitive... :)
I know it may have sounded like I left my husband "because" he chose to take care of his step-father. But that's not the whole story, so please don't judge me too harshly. We have been married now 44 years. My husband is an alcoholic, his thinking is skewed from all those years of drinking. We do not communicate much at all despite me trying all these years to get him to talk to me. He has always done what he wanted our whole marriage, leaving me out of the loop. He never lets me know what's going on until he has made the decision. We left our home of 37 years and moved in with his step-father. I lived out of one room for 2 1/2 yrs. There is only one bathroom. I have IBS and just about made it to the bathroom in time on numerous occasions. My step-father-in-law hates it when people do things for him, but refuses to do for himself. His bathroom habits are aweful. He'd wipe himself after a BM with a hand towel, rinse it out in the sink and hang the still dirty towel on the towel rack (which is right in front of my face when I'm using the toilet) there was always feces on the floor which he would walk in and track through the house. I was cleaning up his mess for 2 1/2 years while my husband worked in other states for work. The horror goes on forever.
Like I said don't judge you have no idea what I went through.
We have a home in another state an hour from "G-Pa's" house. I go there once a week now, and it is enough.
I've been through months of counseling with a professional psychologist and after hearing all I'd been through, when I finally left she congratulated me. I have never taken care of me, always other people. I didn't even know how to laugh anymore, nothing was funny.
I am hurt at your comments but I guess I should try to see your point of view.
and maybe it wasn't personally aimed at me but it felt like it.
:-(
I'm so glad I left his house and moved here to MD it was impossible living with him. I thought (foolishly) that if I left my husband would choose me over this old guy, but he did not. So my husband has to put up with most of it now, so he's always exhausted and his health is going downhill now too. So now he sees the effect of caring for an older person, none of it is fun, it's frustrating, and exhausting, and saps your strenght. I too wish God hadn't given him such a long sentence. What was left of my marriage is now gone too. :-(