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My grandpa who has dementia is a bully to me. I am his full time (weekday) caregiver. I care for him at his own home. I have to walk around the house in trepidation that he may attack me. He has violent outbursts. Everyday he verbally attacks me and puts me down. He complains that I put toothpaste on his toothbrush, how I put it, and tells me to never do it again that he is not a child. He asks me everyday "Why don't you work?" even though I've been taking care of him for quite some time. My son is afraid of him. He would rather stay at home and have some peace than go to his house. Grandpa is a very challenging person to take care of. Believe it or not, when I actually had a "paying job" it was alot easier compared to this caregiving hellhole. Caregiving is one of the toughest jobs out there. You must be thickskinned and guard your feelings otherwise you won't survive the job. Tip: always go outside and get fresh air to help relax you. It works for me!
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Reply to caregiver75104
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With 161 answers before mine, I doubt the original poster will see this. But, hopefully someone here will get what I'm saying.

My Mother had many of the illnesses and challenges the original poster's Mom had and more. There were times when I prayed to God to take her. Her suffering was unbearable for her and I can't describe how seeing my Mom go through what she did... how it affected me. Still affects me.

I did the best I could for her. I was there for her. I tried to make her as comfortable and happy as possible.

That's all anyone can do. It's OK to wish peace for someone you love when you see them suffering so. The guilt that comes with the wish for an ending to suffering ... IGNORE it. You are doing right. Your heart is in the right place.

Anyone that watches a loved one suffer and doesn't care. That's the scary picture. That's the person that should feel guilty.
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Reply to bpryor01
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I try not to think about how I feel about that, with my mother in her 90's and in good health she could live to be 105. There are times though, that I wonder why my mother worries about herself so constantly when she is so miserable, unhappy, negative and enjoys nothing in life. If I were she, I wouldn't want to live being so unhappy all the time. I have to admit that I do hope that as her dementia progresses she doesn't become almost a vegetable and unaware while her physical health keeps her alive for years in that condition.
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Reply to AmyGrace
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I know how all the yrs. of our marriage, I use to tell my husband that we were going to go together. Now that he's been confined to the bed more and more, I see that this may not be, and I so get to feeling guilty also. Than here I am living and walking and having a life, and his life seems like it has just stopped. I get angry sometimes, and then I find myself asking the Lord to be merciful and not to let him suffer any longer than needed. My whole world seems to have just turned upside down planning for things I never could have imagined myself doing. How do we get through this? I am so empty sometimes, and even though we talk, and he smiles and puts his one arm around me I so cherish these moments, and tears just roll down my face as I sit here writing this. I just don't want to lose him, but I know that there is a perfect healing and freedom for not just him, but for all of those who are trapped in their bodies. It is okay to want to let them go, or ask the Lord to take them home. Why would He mind if we wanted better for them than what they have now. I know that this too shall pass, but it is so hard.
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Reply to southernyankee
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I too, often wish Mom would die peacefully in her sleep. I don't wish it because she's a burden. I wish it because I do not want to put her in a home. It would kill me to do that. Plus if Mom realized what she's become, she would be mortified. She's told me a few times that she would rather be dead than have AD.

To some it sounds horrible to wish death on a parent or loved one. But, I don't feel guilty over these feelings. I feel this way because I love her so damn much.
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Reply to donnacecilia
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we had been caring for my mother at her home for 9 years after her 2nd husband died.thankfully after having been with him for over 10 yrs she had a different mindset than she did when we were growing up .mom always said how she should just kill herself all the time when things were said or done that she didnt like. when my dad died 3 weeks after my daughter i knew that i could not be around her without doing her physical harm if she said anything nasty about them so i stayed away 8 yrs. giving her up for that time also stopped any of my sibling from talking to me. but mentally i could only handle my own grief. when my husband died of cancer they couldnt understand why i did not get in touch with them.it was hard going back but i discovered that moms personality had changed. (i was the one picked out to take her rath) Mom has a personality disorder too. still all 4 of us took turns going to her house to take care of her , making sure she ate and took her medicine and had company every nite. my sisters daughter started coming in the daytime as moms dementia got worse. It was a hard decision to put her in a home as we felt guilty for doing so. But it got to be that she would not do anything for herself. not even bathing. she wouldnt do it for us either. she has been in the nursing home for 5 months now. we still take turns seeing her every day for a few hours. she doesnt know if anyone saw her the day before. everyday seems like years to her.
but now she is in the nursing home all of us have had some peace of mind and can enjoy our visits with her. I had surgury at the beginning of this year and couldnt drive for 3 months. mom didnt even realize that i had not been there.
i also have wished that God would take her out of her misery but really she is no more miserable than she had been before the dementia.
but in the home she is safer and has the care she needs and we have peace of mind. we also know the worst is to come and pray we can handle it when she doesnt know who we are.
God will take her when her time on earth is done and not a moment earlier. this disease has brought us kids more together than we were ever allowed to be growing up. so some good has come of it. Just love your parents as long as you can.
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Reply to mistymom
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Do not feel guilty about wishing your mother could go to a better place. You can't change the way you feel only the way you act. don't be too hard on yourself.
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Reply to Veronica91
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Treadingwater, sorry you loss your mom recently n thank you for sharing your story. I had done the same with my husband's dad when he was n hospital on a oxygen n spitting up blood due to cancer. Everyone their were praying for him to hold on n it was just too painful to watch. He would gasp then stop n the family would all start crying. Then he gasp again for air n they tell him to fight n this went on n on for what seemed to be a lifetime. My husband was taking it really hard n he wasn't saying anything but tears. I silent prayed to take this man n take away all his pain for the sake of himself n the family. Then he passed. "Praying for peace n no pain," is great advice n the hospice idea. That is why this site is such great place to visit. We have some people that understand n have already walked those shoes.
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Reply to lildeb
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Eddie, I agree 100%! That is just pure evil n selfish-greed to wish for that just to get their possession!!!!
Southernyank, sorry to hear the nurse notice some signs of Ad. You are in my prayers.
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Reply to lildeb
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My Mother just passed away on March 2nd at 11:55 Pm. Dementia had taken it's ugly toll on her and she could no longer move, swallow or talk. I spent a week in the gentle care of Hospice with her 24/7.......watched as she struggled to breath and wiped her brow as she fought off the tremors and finally fever on her last day. The last night the nurse said that her heart and lung functions had not changed in the past few days so I should go home and take a break. I told them that I knew the end was near and didn't want her to die alone. At 11:30 I got my "futon" ready to sleep on and said really loudly for the first time "Good Night Mom". Then I laid down and prayer that God would take her because she had suffered enough. Now, I am not a very religious person but I think I am reformed. Not 5 minutes later I heard her take a deep sigh.....then another softer sigh I went to her bedside and she took one more soft sigh and she had passed. I didn't cry because my prayer had been answered. Her suffering was over.............
To get to my point, NO, don't feel guilty about wanting your mom to go....When God is ready he/she will take her. Just pray for peace and no pain....
If possible consider Hospice care ---It was the best decision I ever made for her.
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Reply to TreadingWater
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when my bather from hospice came today, she said she noticed some symptoms of dimentia/alhiezmers. i have no idea what course this stroke will finally take, but i pray he will be as much without pain and discomfort as possible. whatever it takes i'm in for the duration y'all. it's only been since nov. 20th, of last yr. and sometimes it feels like a yr.
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Reply to southernyankee
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Now that u two put it that way, that makes more sense. For I am guilty of wishing my mil will pass soon for u can tell she is not happy n slipping away more each day in confusing with moderate alz. Their is a time where we just have to let go n let it be what it is n when the time is right it will come, I guess.
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Reply to lildeb
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If we honestly want their suffering to end, I don't see anything wrong with it. ... But if we wish they'd hurry up and keel over their cream of potato soup to swoop down on their worldly possessions, that's not wrong either. It's outright immoral.
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Reply to Eddie
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Sandfox, I couldn't agree with you more. We don''t wish someone dead but instead, wish them peace and no pain. It's completely different in my opinion.
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Reply to Bhenson
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Bhenson, you said, " It drains you so that when the time comes...I think you're almost at peace with it. " I think this is a very normal process that you describe. It is a kind of emotional preparation for us to let go of those who spent enough time on this earth and will be much better off when they shed the body they are trapped in. I'm going through this process right now. It's really not about "wishing they would die" which we are conditioned to think is "wrong" in this culture. The culture is wrong. It's about being kind enough to stop demanding that they "stay the course" and try to prolong life almost forever, another cultural conditioning. The medical profession would have you think that unless you try extreme efforts to prevent the inevitability of death, that you are a bad person. Hopefully, I think this attitude is changing.
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Reply to sandfox
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I feel very relieved when I read everyone's posts. I am not alone. Dementia is so cruel. I thought I was the only one that prayed for my Mom to be at peace. Some days she is almost cheerful, and others, she's everything that everyone has mentioned. I am her only caregiver, and it has nearly cost me my job, my health is terrible, and I see no way out.
My love and hugs to all of you who are caregivers. We are not alone.
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Reply to eyemtink
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I guess unlike many, my mom went real quick. she was put in a hospice house after a massive stroke and 2 days later went to be with the Lord. Now, i am in a place of seeing my husband suffer after having a massive stroke which has left him paralyzed on the left side along with his shoulder being dislocated. Also, his mind has been effected to the degree of having hallucinations. I have been going through this for the last 2 and a half months, with the last month at home with a bather twice a week and a pt and nurse all from home health. All this to say, he has regressed so much, and we're trying rehab at a NH facility in hopes that he will regain some much needed weight and strength. At the same time I have become completely drained, both physically and emotionally with his not only being bed bound ;unless PT got him out of bed and that was only 2 or 3 times during the whole time of 10 visits, but also the lack of sleep I found myself asking the Lord if you won't heal his mind then just take him home. I know he would not want to remain here if he really knew how he was. he is my life and has been for the last 18 yrs. I don't think it is wrong for us to want our loved ones to go and be where they will no longer feel anymore pain or discomfort. signed, southernyankee
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Reply to southernyankee
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No it is not .. My mom tells me almost everyday she prays everyday that God will take her home. She is ready to go, but God has other plans right now. I also hope she will go soon, not just for her peace, but mine as well. It is very hard to care give for her and I want to enjoy my time with my husband. We are both newly retired and want to be "selfish" now. You are not alone. Sending the best wishes and hugs to you.
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Reply to mrsbones99
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OH BOY! Can I ever relate! In fact, I just had this conversation with the minister who comes to see mother from Hospice. I've been taking care of my mother for 10 years now. The last year and a half has been full time (I'm sleeping in her storage room or on the couch).

Mother is seldom pleasant to me, and quite often refuses to even speak to me for hours on end. She has been lazy her entire life. She doesn't want my attention until I start to do something. THEN she wants to wander and try to get into stuff she needs to leave alone. OR... if I go anywhere, she does all kinds of odd things... such as pooping in a waste bin in the bathroom, or something else equally as odd. She will wake up from a sound sleep if I WHISPER to someone that I'm going to lay down and rest for awhile. Within 5 minutes she is raring to go! This is not an exaggeration! For 6 weeks after I started staying in her house I existed on less than two hours of sleep every night!

That said, the point is, if I had put her in a nursing home, she would probably already be dead. Since I give her around the clock care, she is still doing well. But I am tired! I haven't gotten to sleep in my own bed for more than a few nights in a year and a half! She is lingering, and growing lazier by the moment (as well as growing weaker from inactivity). Is it any wonder that I am ready for this to be over? But then I feel guilty for feeling this way. So, I spoke to the minister. His words to me made me feel much better. I hope they help you as well.

This is a completely normal feeling. Please do not feel guilty for wishing your mother would just let go and quit making your life miserable. If she were a dog or cat and were in pain and suffering from the amount of confusion there is bound to be associated with Alzheimer's, then you would do the humane thing and euthanize them. We cannot do this with our elders. What we CAN do is to choose to ignore their nastiness, and take the high road and be pleasant to them in return.

I find this difficult quite often... but I also realize that my mother takes perverse pleasure in being difficult, cantankerous, and quite frankly MEAN. When it gets too bad... I just smile, walk away, and say... "I'm okay with that. You are the one that will have to suffer the consequences of your actions. Not me."

It works! Good luck!
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Reply to laurabmundy
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I too have an NPD mom - loving in some ways, but so dependent and needy and now developing dementia. My wonderful husband refuses to have her live with us - and that will probably save my health and our marriage. She is in a CCR and will be able to move into memory care when the time comes, but I pray for her sake (and mine) that she has a fatal stroke before that happens.
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Reply to Leslie61
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I am sorry for every ones pain . But my mother just passed away & I would give anything to take care of her again. But there is a big difference . When I tucked her into bed EVERY NIGHT she said good night I LOVE YOU . I am only writing now because it hurts so much that she is not here . there were a couple of times she made me feel like a slave. , especially when the QUEEN came over. But now my mom is gone& it just really hurts, but like I said things only happened a couple of times. MOM I LOVE U XOXO
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Reply to tanner56
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When longevity goes beyond the quality of life, there is nothing wrong with wanting someone you love to have a peaceful existence beyond a life on earth. People are living longer, but not necessarily healthier. Seniors deserve a quality of life with dignity. Hopefully there will be a cure someday for Alzheimer and Dementia.
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Reply to Labs4me
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Sylvester may be like my brother when we were going to have to place mom in an assisted living facility. He had lived off our parents for about 20 yrs and was going to lose his "home." He said his girlfriend would move in with them and take care of mom. The house was a pigsty and took weeks to clean, paint, replace floors, you name it, because we had to sell it to take care of mom. That was 4 yrs ago, and my brother has not been to see mom in all that time. She has dementia, but still calls his name. He won't speak to me or my sisters because we sold the house and he had to get a job. I have told him he had better go see mom, but he doesn't, so I hope he doesn't come around crying when she is gone, but he probably won't even come to her funeral.
It is his loss. Mom may have dementia, but her personality is sweet and sassy. I never get tired of telling her I love her...and sometimes she responds back.
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Reply to Nana09
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It's a completely reasonable question to ask. Is it right to wish anybody death? It doesn't make any difference whether you're Christian or not.
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Reply to DianaS
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I find it interesting that so many people call themselves Christians, apparently believe there is a God and some kind of afterlife and yet feel so needful to not die. Life is definitely a gift (but maybe not in some cases) so I understand the struggle of letting go. Don't you think wishing death for someone depends on why more than anything else? If you are wishing death for some personal gain then guilt is understandable. And I'm talking about GAIN as in finances. If you are talking about death as an end to suffering, the most you should feel is sadness for your loss.

On the other hand, there are times when the burden of caring for a person who no longer has quality of life certainly makes contemplating their death feel like a bad thing, but if you were the compassionate friend giving advice, would you really tell that person they were wrong for those feelings?
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Reply to TheirDaughter
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Cara,
I sent you a message. I mentioned leaving a spouse because one post involved a woman who wanted to leave, but her mother-in-law threatened to cut them out of the will. So, her husband was going to stay. She said she wanted to leave.
So, it wasn't aimed at you...Unfortunately, we caregiving types can get sensitive... :)
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Reply to DianaS
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I am ashamed to say that I was glad when my father passed. He was in pain all the time and this made him sometimes unbarable. I knew that the moment he took his last breath that he was free. NO more pain and suffering.
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Reply to BonnieO
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DianaS
I know it may have sounded like I left my husband "because" he chose to take care of his step-father. But that's not the whole story, so please don't judge me too harshly. We have been married now 44 years. My husband is an alcoholic, his thinking is skewed from all those years of drinking. We do not communicate much at all despite me trying all these years to get him to talk to me. He has always done what he wanted our whole marriage, leaving me out of the loop. He never lets me know what's going on until he has made the decision. We left our home of 37 years and moved in with his step-father. I lived out of one room for 2 1/2 yrs. There is only one bathroom. I have IBS and just about made it to the bathroom in time on numerous occasions. My step-father-in-law hates it when people do things for him, but refuses to do for himself. His bathroom habits are aweful. He'd wipe himself after a BM with a hand towel, rinse it out in the sink and hang the still dirty towel on the towel rack (which is right in front of my face when I'm using the toilet) there was always feces on the floor which he would walk in and track through the house. I was cleaning up his mess for 2 1/2 years while my husband worked in other states for work. The horror goes on forever.
Like I said don't judge you have no idea what I went through.
We have a home in another state an hour from "G-Pa's" house. I go there once a week now, and it is enough.
I've been through months of counseling with a professional psychologist and after hearing all I'd been through, when I finally left she congratulated me. I have never taken care of me, always other people. I didn't even know how to laugh anymore, nothing was funny.
I am hurt at your comments but I guess I should try to see your point of view.
and maybe it wasn't personally aimed at me but it felt like it.
:-(
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Reply to Cara
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As I read the comments here, I see a whole range of caregiving! While I can empathize with people who are caregivers, I find it hard to have any sympathy for caregivers of people who have plenty of abilities but they are just a pain in the a**. As far as leaving a spouse who chooses to take care of a parent, it doesn't say much for the one who leaves. It's funny how that thinking changes when the will is read. However, if the person is completely disabled, I can fully understand why they would just want to see the person "go home". I have taken care of several people, a boyfriend, husband, mother, father-in-law and father. I've been a caregiver to all stages from just a pain in the neck, to completely disabled. I can only say that it does not get better. So, if you choose to leave, do it before you really resent them. If you choose to stay, know that the pros really do NOT outweigh the cons, unless you are totally selfless and your only joy comes from helping others. As for me, I had no choice in any of the situations. I am still caring for a stroke victim, and I'm very happy that the rest is over. So, if you ask me, I would say it is not wrong to wish they were gone.
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Reply to DianaS
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I feel bad for all of the elderly people in a way who wish like my step-father-in-law (we call G-Pa) that God hadn't given him what he calls "so long a sentence" here on earth if they are truly ready to go. G-Pa is getting weaker all the time from lack of exercise (which he swears he does every day) when he goes down stairs to shower he "says" he exercises every day. He does a whole 10 squats holding onto his walker. The sits in a chair raises his legs up one at a time and puts them back on the floor, raises his arms up in the air and does circles. But, whatever 10 each does absolutely nothing. Maybe repetitions of 10 each may begin to give him some strengh. He says he does a lot of things for muscle strength like walking up and down his driveway with his walker every day. (which I've seen him do twice in 2 years) He is SO living in the past, all this is wishful thinking on his part. He rehearses all this to his nurse who comes to see him, his social worker, and his nurse practitioner. He thinks he has them all fooled, but they did tell me they don't believe it or he would have more strength. The social worker also gave him a test to see how he comprehends things, and apparently he doesn't. He couldn't place hands on a clock drawing to tell the time, he couldn't put 4 blocks into a square on paper etc. He didn't understand many questions a 4yr old should know how to answer. His score was only 16 which is pretty bad. He said he has dementia. I knew it but couldn't get any family member to believe me. He does nothing all day but watch the darn TV and make himself a sandwich, and take a shower when he knows someone is coming to visit.
I'm so glad I left his house and moved here to MD it was impossible living with him. I thought (foolishly) that if I left my husband would choose me over this old guy, but he did not. So my husband has to put up with most of it now, so he's always exhausted and his health is going downhill now too. So now he sees the effect of caring for an older person, none of it is fun, it's frustrating, and exhausting, and saps your strenght. I too wish God hadn't given him such a long sentence. What was left of my marriage is now gone too. :-(
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