Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

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Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

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My mom was a great mother then Lewy Body took over 5 years ago. She lives in a really nice assisted living building. At 90 she is self absorbed, complaining, sarcastic, needy ……She is mid stage and believes everyone steals from her {untrue} so she hides at least 10 items every late night and then each visit {3 weekly} is a search mission for me. I woke this am after a 2 hr search yesterday for the tv remote and having no success…. to asking God to take one of us. At 72 my retirement ended 4 years ago, my peace of mind has ended, joy of life ended, spontaneity has ended. My life is built around her needs. Conversations are about incontinence issues, constant lost items, thieves, and bad food. Blame me, blame family who does not get involved but it changes nothing. She is innocent. She did not ask to be ill. She needs help in order to relax…She has sadly outlived her brain. A healthy 90 year old with no reasoning abilities, a tired daughter and maybe 10 more years to go..Yup one of us needs to meet our maker for this to end.

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Reply to Sadinroanokeva

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I feel the way you do. I just want it all to finally end and my parents don’t even have dementia.

I hope for your sake she goes first.

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I don’t think it is wrong at all to feel
this way…. Nobody should suffer even if it is by their own doing, and now you are suffering. My mother has Alzheimer’s, completely out of her mind, stuck in a NH, for who knows how many endless years until her physical body says enough. I cant stand it, and we all deserve the right to check out, if we know the outcome of our illness which will cause suffering for ourselves and others, then a simple legal doc should do it!! This needs to change now! Nationwide!!

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Reply to Imissmymom10

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Absolutely!

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I am just tired dealing with my parents' issues. . I will never be the same person ever again after living through this. I just want to think about my life for a change instead of what I need to do for them. They have been the front and center priority for the last three years and there is no end in sight.

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Reply to Hothouseflower

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Hothouse . So sorry .
It will take time after this slog is over to feel more like yourself again . But yes, it will be a little different than before . Caregiving leaves a mark , at least I feel like that . (((((Hugs))))

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Wiki, I’m so sorry you are going through this after a year. It’s the not knowing how long this will last that makes it unbearable. My mom went on home hospice (with me in charge) about 6 weeks ago. I believed her death was imminent at the time. Now she is better with the 24 hour care. She seemed fairly happy at first to be home after two almost back to back, month long rehab stays. Now she complains, finds fault with everyone, and gets mad about trivial items that no one can find for her.

She has had many visitors, including her grandson who flew in from cross country and all of her other grandchildren, relatives, friends, church people…she receives cards, letters gifts, food. Yet she makes lists of things to “discuss” with me when I come. It literally amounts to a complaint list.

She is so blessed in so many ways. I have friends who are HHAs and their clients either have no family and friends or have family living very close by who don’t even visit on holidays.

My goal was to make mom’s dying days as pleasant and peaceful as possible. Now I just dread my time there, especially my one overnight shift I do on Saturdays. The next time she pulls out her list I’m going to ask her, who would she like to see, what would she like to do, what does she really want to talk about while she still has time? I feel like all the negativity and focus on minutiae is her way of denying her inevitable death. She’s always been big into denial.

PS. After reading through a lot of this thread, I don’t wish my mother would die. It’s more that I wish I could get some peace and resolution. If she were to die right now I think I would feel very conflicted.

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Reply to LilyLavalle

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@LilyLavalle- thank you so much for your kind reply, which elucidates so much of my own experience. You say "My goal was to make mom’s dying days as pleasant and peaceful as possible" and that is precisely my intent in moving back to my hometown in what I thought would be my mother's final days. This has now become a year of unpaid service and family that barely shows up or calls. As I try to make her final days wonderful --and they stretch into months--I realize no one can make another's life feel meaningful to them, especially someone suffering all the indignities of old age who is from an era where denial was the only coping mechanism (especially for women) for getting by. It is a hard truth. I am trying to take from this experience how I want to live my life ongoing, and what choices I want to make before I reach this stage of life she is at. She lived a relatively independent life in her final days only for her joy in that to be erased. I take from this experience a lot of wisdom. In the meantime it is difficult but I am detaching emotionally in order to save myself.

(6)

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I honestly love that this thread is still alive after all these years (though I hope for OPs' sake the mother is not); I come to it when I need comfort that I am not alone. No one can understand this unless you have been through it. My mother is lingering after a year in hospice --which they estimated would be 3-6 months--and no significant indication of imminent death. She is sitll on BP meds etc for comfort and a working pacemaker for a heart issue that would have killed her a few years ago (and I wish had--she was happy then and independent). I want this to be over so badly. When will it end? Why can't the medical profession evolve also to stop this worship of perpetuating life into extreme old age, just so we can exist as shells and suffer loneliness, loss of hearing, sight, and legs...and all the indignities of loss of independence?

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Reply to wicki100

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I am right here with all of you. Btw is it just me or are there any men on this chat or is it just us daughters with our elderly parent(s)????!!! LOL WTH! My advice, one day at a time (I know, easier said than done). Take time for yourself (if you suddenly drop off the face of the earth, I promise you, everything will still go on). Don’t worry, your not being selfish for these thoughts (It’s a perfectly normal feeling and we are all feeling it). Pray (even if your not religious). I just visited a SNF today because I am nearing the end of being able to care for my mother and witnessed numerous elderly folks just sitting in their wheelchairs, completely gone in mind, but not in body. I asked my mother if that’s how she wanted to be in the end. She said, “no way and besides it’s a waste of money”! Laugh (it really is the best medicine!) Best wishes to all caregivers out there!

(8)

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My father was the last parent to go and he was a piece of work. Don't get me wrong, he was a bit of a narcissist at times. I don't think that he was full blown but could be very passive/aggressive about his dealings. I was tired of living the lie of that affair that turned into a marriage. After he died, the family went in different directions. When he died, I felt relief. The relief came when I was no longer obligated to that mess he created and trying to twist myself into a fricken pretzel and adjust to a situation that brought all of us nothing but pain. It is a lot to this story, but I'm not going to bore you with the terrible details. It was not a pleasant story. I've let go of the resentment because there is no reason to keep a horrible memory alive.

Live and let live.

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Reply to Scampie1

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I am there now. I’m ready for relief. Thank you for your post.

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Bizlarry,

There are old threads that remain alive because others are in the same situation as the original OP. So, the purpose of the thread is still relevant today. Caregivers have always struggled in the past and continue to struggle today.

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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

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I don’t wish my parents dead for any other reason but that I want this utterly totally miserable slog to finally be over. I am so stressed out and it is taking years off my life. I look at my face in the mirror, I can see the weight of the world there.

It cannot be over fast enough. They are lingering and I want my life back.

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Reply to Hothouseflower

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Exactly, people want their pain and suffering to end. I don’t see why people can’t understand these emotions.

Yet, so many people say cruel things to the caregivers and try to make them feel guilty for feelings that are completely normal to experience.

They will say, “You’re going to get old one day!” As if, that helps!

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I think people want their loved ones to die when they can’t take anymore heartache. They aren’t trying to be evil. They just want their pain to end.

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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

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Hello

you are so stressed and overwhelmed and you sound like you hit your limit and
your not alone in feeling this way.
I've had those feelings and I’m certain so many others are having feelings like that.
You’re doing your best. Be kind to yourself.

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Reply to Justalady

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Yes, I second that. More and more these days I find myself experiencing those feelings.

(4)

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I feel for all of you. It's interesting though how many of us say we love our mother/father and then turn around and hate them so much we want them to die. It is ok though to say we loved our parents before they became so hateful that we can longer love them so we want them to die for their own and our own sake.

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Reply to kahill1918

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I don’t hate my parents, I hate the miserable situation that they put my sisters and me in to deal with their mess.

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I feel for all of you. It's interesting though how many of us say we love our mother/father and then turn around and hate them so much we want them to die. It is ok though to say we loved our parents before they became so hateful that we can longer love them so we want them to die for their own and our own sakes.

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Reply to kahill1918

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I think people say all kinds of things when they are at their wits end. They are hurting and frustrated and can’t take much more heartache. Sometimes, they feel like they are in a hopeless situation.

(11)

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I just realized this thread is 13 years old, I'm wondering if she's even still alive.

My mother is mean, she triggers my CPTSD, I'm currently not speaking to her and she's staying away. It's been about 5 weeks, maybe more. Yes, I love her, but she will never be the mother anyone deserves.

She accused me of wanting to "take her down". I literally snickered out loud which really set her off. She called me the "C" word. I told her it takes one to know one, and then quickly told her to get the "F" out of my house.

I know she will rear her ugly head at some point, just when I relax just enough and least expect it.

I fairly certain she has found some assistance through the state. She's playing the victim no doubt, how horrible her daughter is! That's okay, when she says those things, she may not realize she's talking about herself.

Just go, I think. Before I do. I need peace. And still want to try and live. I'm unable to stop using (Meth). No one knows and I appear "normal", but it's causing me neurological damage and I need to stop. It's been my way of not feeling. And I do still feel too much, so I fear my feelings and emotions that are justifiable but not appropriate.
Dear God, just let us go.

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Reply to BizLarry

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I cannot imagine my mom ever saying those hurtful things to you. I am SO sorry.. It must be terrible. I do however get those from my father. He told me the other night, he wished it was the old west and murder was legal and he would "take me out" he calls me names like you get called, and he makes fun of my deceased mom ,and points out all of her "flaws" its like hell she was a better mother than your own mother who never taught you how to love. I hope you get the peace you need so desperatly soon. Much love.

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Some wish the slog is over because they find it difficult to walk away or go no contact . However the caregiver is burnt . This is how my DH described how he feels.

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Reply to Way2tired

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This exactly

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Hugs to everyone who is suffering on this journey. No judgment from me at all! Honor your feelings. Grieve for what you don’t have. Mourn the loss of something that perhaps you have never had with your family members.

I will keep all of you in my thoughts. I truly feel your pain. I was a caregiver for my parents and my mother lived in my home for 14 years. There were many days that I thought that it would never end.

Caregiving is the toughest job in the world.

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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

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Exactly ,
just because we hope for things doesn’t mean they happen .
Caregivers are only human and have feelings .

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No. Not when they are miserable shells of themselves .

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Reply to Way2tired

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Some people still want to live, even though they’re miserable. Also, even those who are miserable sometimes have non-miserable moments. They want to live.

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Some people wish people would die because they want the misery to end for their loved one. Plus, they can’t bear anymore themselves as caregivers. It’s not at all the same as being a murderer!

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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

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“I would argue that yes, it is wrong to wish death upon another human being, particularly your own parents. That said, it is free speech/ free thought and therefore, you are entitled to those thoughts/feelings. Having said that, I can only hope and pray that much of the anti mom and dad commenters posting here never get a red cent from the parents they clearly hated so damn much! But something tells me that this wont be the case, sadly.”

It’s clear you didn’t have abusive parents. That’s good.

We should all have been that lucky. Some forum members had extremely abusive elderly parents their whole lives. So abusive that you even wish them to die.

It’s also clear that no one in your life has ever treated you SO badly, that it crossed your mind you wish they would die.

Sometimes it’s not possible to understand, unless you lived the abuse yourself.

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Reply to ventingisback

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No its not wrong. My father has been abusive to me my whole life, I am 46 years old , he lives with us, he is STILL abusive towards me. I wish he would just die, and I don't care If you think its wrong.

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Hothouse,

There aren’t enough words to describe what you are going through. I feel your pain.

It does seem like it will never end while we are going through our stint in caregiving.

I look back on my time in caregiving and wonder how I got through it without totally losing my freaking mind.

Sending many hugs your way today.

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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

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No it is not wrong. I pray for it to happen every night. I cannot handle the stress and anxiety of what is going to happen when my mother runs out of money and we cannot afford her caregivers and worrying if my father will ever get his Medicaid approved in the nursing home where he's being living for the past six months, and what the next home repair fiasco is going to be in their house.

I am waiting for something to finally happen and it never does. I really can't take it anymore.

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Reply to Hothouseflower

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“I really can't take it anymore.”

I get it.

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It is only wrong imo when they are still able to enjoy life. Our family hopes my mother passes before she becomes a shell of her former self.

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Reply to Abzu00

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There’s a book called “Being Mortal”
Im suppose to read it but haven’t got it on Audible which is the only way I’m ever able to read anything more than golden nuggets messages on these forums. I wish we knew how to age gracefully . Even the most disturbed of us when we get to that point of no return. It might be in those pages.

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Reply to truthbetold

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To truth be told,
From tiredsister:
I am reading "Being Mortal" right now.
So far, Dr. Gawande sure knows how to describe our failure to provide real care to our elders (from the elder's perspective) in our caregiving institutions, and explains the evolution of how current practices came to be.
I'm really hoping he will reveal some workable solutions too...some light at the end of this dark tunnel.

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I read about someone looking forward to receiving the “call”. In other words, being informed of the death. I never before looked forward to it.

My mom is so abusive. I have bare minimum contact.

I wish her to die, because she’s so cruel.

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Reply to verystressedout

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I get it. I truly do. I feel the same thing about my father. I just wish he would go already.. He has ruined my whole life and he is still doing it. Its cruel that I have to go through this .. he isn't that bad off either. He has some issues but nothing that would warrant his treatment of me. I pray daily he dies soon.

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I am in this position. When my 10 years mutually estranged mother showed up at my door last October my world and freedom collapsed. She’s meaner than ever, lies a lot, accepts NO responsibility for any of the horrible things she’s done. As I plow through the process of getting her 4 level neck fusion done and her recovered (as much as she can since she still smokes)I live in fear of the point I’m told “she can’t live alone anyone.” Because getting her in a facility will be hell. We’ll have to do a little bit of Medicaid spend down. There was all sorts of drama when she had hospital delerium with her recent surgery, and we’d tried to get her to skilled nursing. Her insurance ended up refusing, but she also screamed at everyone she was going home. Told the dr I’m a “b*tch” for trying to send her to rehab.
How someone who has smoked 60 years, has PVCs, blood pressure all over the place, and wheezes when she breathes can survive a 6 hour surgery is beyond me.
Meanwhile, my own dr is telling me I need counseling and possibly meds to deal with my stress before it affects my health conditions.
My default is to do the right thing, to follow up on all her medical needs. But man, I really can’t do this another 10 years.

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Reply to Oedgar23

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You and I need an exit plan.

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My mom is so verbally abusive, I sometimes wish she would die.

I’ve taken such good care of her, that I’ve prolonged the life of my abuser. I’ve prolonged the number of years I’ve been abused. It’s like extending the life of your torturer.

Today I was in a very cheerful mood. Something good happened to me today.

I then spoke to the caregiver on Zoom video about some changes we need to make, but unfortunately my mom could see me too. My mom could see me smiling from ear to ear. So of course, she increased her insults x 1,000.

I was no longer smiling from ear to ear.

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Reply to verystressedout

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(((Hug)))

I have also sometimes wished someone to die, because of their appalling behavior.

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My husband had a massive stroke that left him uncommunicative, unable to open his eyes and unable to use his arms and legs. He has to be fed. His quality of life is nonexistent. The nursing facility tells me he could survive over a year in his present state. I dearly love him but I want him to pass for his own peace. I do not feel guilty about feeling this way. He is no longer the man he was and he would hate knowing what he has become.

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Reply to frizzle

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Could he not go on hospice? Will he know in this condition if he is being fed? I am so sorry for your situation and I certainly understand your feelings. I can't imagine hospice is not being considered with this occurrence. Hope you find the help you need.

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These posts ARE raw pain---and we post b/c we feel awful about having these 'hateful thoughts' about someone that we feel we 'should' love--but cannot.

I know somewhere way down towards the first post I added my 2 cents worth. My MIL is in Hospice care but is flourishing, she could probably graduate out of Hospice Care. Imminent death has passed and she really is OK. The kids are still doing 24/7 shifts rotating through the weeks. DH states that this is the way it will be until she dies. It could be a year, even.

We're heading into month 6 of 24/7 care from her 3 kids. My DH is the middle 'kid'. Everything he does or doesn't do is tainted by her overarching needs.

I have no idea how she got these 3 intelligent people to crawl and squirm for her. It's long since passed 'annoying' and has become "INSANE". No other words for it.

I pray daily that she can die, not in pain and agony, just GO.

Our lives are entwined with hers. I get advice to ignore her, ignore the situation, ignore my DH and his craziness over his mom--but it's affecting me seriously.

I'm BACK into therapy. Taking MORE beta blockers and am looking down the barrel of another cardiac ablation b/c my SVT is back---I think I might die before she does.

EVERYTHING is about her. Making her happy, keeping her comfortable. Making sure she has everything she wants and needs.

She's beyond thrillled b/c she has her 'kids' back home and it's just the way she wants it.

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Reply to Midkid58

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I know this is an old post, but you really hit on something for me ( that probably should have been obvious). My mother is getting exactly what she wants. My brother, who was barely in contact since Covid is now there once a week for about 1.5 hours. I’m there almost every day. Other relatives come weekly. And people outside her direct orbit are lavishing her with sympathy and loving wishes. And here I am feeling sorry for her.

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These posts are raw pain

Heartbreaking

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) to all of you

and myself as well.

being ignored and invalidated and abused and then expecting the person you did that to to take care of you?

and we do it anyway.

Why? idk

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Reply to anonymous1683855

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Hello BeeSuz, my new and only sister,
and Hot, we are now part of the club of daughters who have mom’s with better health than us because of us. Let’s laugh for half a minute about the irony. I hope you a good day.

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Reply to verystressedout

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I can identify. My mom is the sweetest. But, I'm so tired. Of it all.
I get it. You are not alone.
Peace to you.

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Reply to BeeSuz

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Your mom is the sweetest? I want to be your sister.

I know it’s hard. Peace to you too.

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Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

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