My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
She is the sweetest that's why I feel sooo guilty for being so tired of it all.
She's not mean in the slightest. She's not demanding.
Waiting to cringe today.
( How do I reply to you, when you reply to my original post? I do not see a reply button there.)
Please, be my sister. Mine are useless.
I can not even talk freely to them like I have here.
Now I’m thinking, how lucky her mean mom died fast. My friend is free from any abuse. She also stopped having nightmares. Turns out it was all connected to her mean mom. And she started living with joy.
Someone on the internet wrote this: “I'm glad my mother is dead. This is the only place I can say that and have people understand.
She is gone, and will never again hurt me or anyone I love, and the world has become a kinder place. She did not get better as she got older, but was less able to keep the mask in place, so more and more people saw the abyss of nastiness within her.”
Someone else wrote: “I'm with you. My narc parents are dead now. I was absolutely not sorry to see them go and felt a great weight lifting. My narc older sister is still alive but she's doing her best to kill herself by not taking care of herself, so maybe I'll get rid of her too, soon. I absolutely understand. After a certain point of hideous brutality and destruction of body and soul, after betrayals so horrible you want to kill yourself over them...folks, some people need to be dead. I was related to three of them. Now there's just one, and that's a definite improvement.”
Someone else: “You wouldn't want this if she didn't deserve it.”
I would never do it. But it’s the first time ever I had that thought. She’s just so mean.
My crazy Mom. My mean Mom. How nice my life would be without her in my life. I mean really, really without her. No flying monkeys, no abuse…
It would be heaven. I think I’d start smiling again. I would breathe better. I would celebrate finally being free from abuse.
How I wish I would never have contact again.
"I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well."
You feel what you feel.
Feelings in families develop throughout a lifetime.
Not just now, when a mother is at the end of her life.
You are wounded.
If you want peace within yourself, you have to learn to let a part of YOU inside YOU to support YOU as a healthy mother would have. We all have many parts inside. One part is our own understanding of a compassionate healing mother.
We change how we feel when we honor our feelings. This is when they transform / 'process' through them.
"Wishing' you mom well through compassion for how she was / is - will serve you - for the rest of your life. You do not have to hold on to resentment and anger. Learn to process through it - to let it go. It is the process of learning how to love yourself.
Gena / Touch Matters
But what about those long progressive disease with no hope and everything is getting worse, slow and then like run away train. And co- morbidities appear and the pain and decline.
And everything is getting worse weekly, daily even.
And suffering they are going to face as there is no hope.
If illnesses, disease, pain & disability are present & unable to be removed - have become intolerable, no quality of life left, well, I wouldn't say I wish them to die.. but I would rephrase & have no qualms saying "I hope their suffering can end soon".
Good for you.
BurntCaregiver 7/27/23
There is nothing wrong with wanting a burdensome situation to end so that you may have peace. 💜
Why?
I'm sorry, but it seems more merciful to die quickly of a stroke, or heart attack, than to suffer the long downward slide of dementia. I don't feel wrong for wishing for that, but medical practitioners seem determined to keep my sister alive for as long as possible. Why?
As for hospice, it's my understanding that it's not necessarily only for the terminally ill. Check with your state agency on aging, maybe, and see what they say. God bless!
how hateful they are. I am using them as an example to myself HOW NOT to live my life. Good luck to you!!
You say you just moved your parents in with you. Don't let any grass grow under their feet as the saying goes.
You make a mistake and that's okay. Get them moved out.
If your life has been made this miserable so early on in the "caregiving" experience, it will destroy you. They have to go.
Don't let them stay. Get them into AL and if they have dementia, then memory care.
Don't do this to yourself. As bad as you think things are now.
Just wait.
my grandma and aunt were his primary caregivers and were so burnt out and annoyed with him. He’s very high maintenance. Now I and everyone else is shocked at our grief because he is laying in his death bed as we speak. We thought we’d feel better if he died, because that’s what we wanted for so long. And maybe we will after some time after his death has passed but for now we’re all feeling guilty for not treating him with more respect.
it’s kind of effed up. He was not physically there for his family for a long time (30-45 years) in the past 10 or so years he came to see us more and then finally when Covid hit he moved back to be with us because he was getting frail.
so really he emotionally neglected /physically neglected/ in some cases physically abused my aunt and mom when they were little but he still expected the whole world and more when he was getting old. We have given that to him. And strangely now I feel riddled with guilt that I wanted him to go.
at his bedside even though he’s unconscious on a ventilator idk if I should tell him my true feelings. They say the last thing to go is hearing and it would be nice to tell him how I really feel before he goes without having to argue with him.
I am so conflicted right now. It’s crazy.
im praying for everyone of you guys who were in my aunt /moms and I position a few months ago. Just wishing it would end. It’s finally here for us, we’re struggling with it.
praying for y’all
I'm sorry or the situation your family is in, but honestly your grandfather got more respect and care from his family then he deserved.
You say he's an a**hole who spent the good years of his life abusing his family and selfishly living for himself. Then he comes back on the scene in his dotage a few years ago and expects his family to be fighting over who gets the honor of taking care of him?
Please.
None of you deserve a minute of guilt especially you as a grandchild.
A person reaps what they sow in this life.
If someone planted a field of indifference and resentment when it comes harvest time they will not bring in a crop of love and never-ending compassion.
Your grandfather is in his final days and who knows he could be reflecting on his life. Who knows? But owe him nothing. Not even a moment of guilt or regret.
When a person spends their life being an a$$hole who was never there for their family they shouldn't expect their family to be there for them.
Be kind to yourself and your family.
And, no you should not tell him your true feelings because it's too late now and he's out of chances to make amends.
God is his judge now.
https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2022/03/08/1084912553/alzheimers-assisted-suicide-amy-bloom-in-love
No one has to do this though. No one has to pay a parent's rent so they can wreck the place.
No one has to tolerate abuse. No one has to do for a person who villifies and lies about them to whoever will listen, or who berates, belittles, or disrespects them.
No one has to put themselves into the bondage of caregiving slavery.
No one has to put their marriages and their own families in second place for a needy elder.
No one has to have their family home turned into a nursing home. Or a cluttered, hoarded mess because a needy elder likes things that way.
No one has to go broke or spend their own money on care for a needy elder.
So for everyone here, please think of this as the Caregiver's Magna Carta.
You have rights and so do your families.
This is why there are nursing and board and care homes. This is why there is Medicaid. Elders who have income and assets are supposed to use those to pay for their care.
Not disabled.
I work full time, and have to do everything for her. It isn't appreciated. My children blame her lack of respect/appreciation for what I do for her on her age. I think its not too much to ask for a simple please or thank you sometimes, or clean up the crumbs left on the kitchen counter. I'm beyond over this. She will not change either. I think I will go before she does if I don't get a break. Don't think it's horrible for thinking it's time for them to go. You are not alone.
You are more important than your 93 year old mother. Put her in a care facility.
She now says she just wants to sleep for ever. I don't like the idea of her dying in this ward when she could have one last look at the snowdrops before she goes. In fact, she may not even want to go if she gets better care.
I would talk to my pastor, as at times I'm not sure how long I can cope with this maelstrom of feelings, but he's off on a skiing trip!
Do you also have her medical POA? If you do and the hospital still won't allow her to be discharged to the care home you found (which is unusual because hospitals normally are throwing people out as fast as possible), then you may want to visit the probate court and petition for conservatorship. In the meantime would your mother eat if someone brought food to her? When my father was in the NH he would eat nothing. We had to bring his food. When I was in the hospital I couldn't eat any of the food. My meals were brought in from the outside. Not because either one of us is spoiled but because the food being brought was gross. It may help your mother to eat if she's being brought food she likes and by someone she knows.
As for conservatorship, it's higher than POA and will not be disputed. Talk to someone in the probate court. They will help you or will recommend an elder lawyer for you to see.
As a matter of fact, any time I've ever had to visit a probate court and there has been many visits in my life, the court is always swarming with elder and estate lawyers. You can't swing a dead cat as they say. Make a visit to the probate court and see about conservatorship.
Could this post be moved to discussions?
It is a much valued post with a good question that is often asked by those visiting Forum. I would love to see it survive in discussions.
I think people are use to it being in the question area.
I don’t think as many people check the discussion area and they purposely post things in questions so it will be seen more frequently.
My feelings about the situation are so mixed up that I am suffering from stress-related headaches, muscle pain, etc. Lucky I'm already on anti-anxiety medication because of our difficult relationship, or I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up in the bed next to my mother...😒!
But I would like for my MIL to pass soon, NPD or not, this is no way to live. And selfishly, my life is on hold - I've had to cancel and lost money on a bucket list vacation with my husband (finally no kids!) and we would like to move out of state. It is a selfish opinion, but I'm stuck. Especially knowing that my health is an issue, and I won't live near as long as either of my charges, I feel like my life experiences have come to an end as well.