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Both of your parents suffer from prolonged PTSD. Unfortunately, PTSD never goes away and it may be life long. News about the current war in Ucrania are triggers that should be avoided. If you could make him understand that the war news have nothing to do with him, you will win the Nobel prize in medicine, because so far, there is no successful therapy for PTSD. Definitely, they should stay away from watching on TV those war reports. Unfortunately, there are other triggers that can't be avoided. But a least, try to reduce them to the minimum.
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GardenArtist Mar 2022
Have you read how the VA is treating PTSS (not considered PTSD anymore - it's a Syndrome, not a Disease)? If you haven't, you might want to sign up for the VA newsletters which deal with PTSS, and the various challenges as well as methods of dealing with it.

Animals have been found to be tremendous support for those with PTSS. That's not surprising; they're also wonderful support for others in need.
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God I’m going through the same thing my dad was on special missions as a spy and 75% of his team either got captured killed committed suicide. this was in Korea. I was born and raised in America I will never understand what they went through but now that I’m 50 I can intellectually understand what they went through. My whole life was spent trying to get them to see what I see and to get them healthier to no avail. Now that they’re at their last chapter I finally accepted to make them comfortable to let them make their own choices. I was always told that and didn’t understand that because I thought I was making them better. But only realizing I’m imposing my life onto theirs. Trying to get them to see what I see was more painful for them because it’s like giving an iPhone to a tribe. Now I just accept them and make them comfortable until they pass.
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If the tv is a newer model, channels can be deleted/blocked. You will have to look up how to do it on their particular model. That way I'd leave only cooking, nature, home improvement and other light and calm channels.

My folks moved into an assisted living place with cable tv included. They no longer watch Fox News channel all day and night. What a change for the better! Constant Fox News was getting them all riled up in drama. They actually lost acquaintances and neighbors because of them going on and on about what was on tv. So sad but now, things are much better without them watching that constantly.
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After going through the trauma of the death camps and surviving I wonder how the survivors are able to have faith in humanity again. Maybe they never do. I don't know.

How do they move on after witnessing the evil that people are capable of and seeing loved ones and others be killed and tortured in front of them?

It sounds like for the OPs mom that her daily stories are her way of coping and dealing with what she endured and witnessed.
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isabella4 Mar 2022
My dad tells me often it is a choice. Sometimes it is a very powerful act within his mind to make that choice. He tells me being bitter doesn't get you anywhere. And that choice is the one thing noone can take away from you. I'm learning, for me, he's right.
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Heres my take on it your mother is mentally abusing your father. Maybe not intentionally. The man is placed in front of the news with horrific images triggering his own suffering.

It is cruel.

I don't know if telling you mom it in this way would make a difference or change her behavior.

I am very sorry your dad is being put through this daily waking nightmare by your mother. And I am sorry your mother has continued to relive the darkest period of her life every single day.
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isabella4 Mar 2022
Yes, sp19690, I have told her it is mental and emotional abuse.
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I’m sorry if my previous post has offended some people. Yes I said ‘very few’ not ‘none’, and I am certainly not a Holocaust denier. Of the various autobiographical books I’ve read, the only children who survived Nazi camps were close sisters (wrongly believed to be twins) who were Dr Mengele experiment subjects. When they were separated out and tattooed, they were told to be grateful as the tattoos would keep them alive. Adult survivors’ autobiographies never refer to children, and there was no spare food for non-workers. ‘The Boy in Striped Pajamas’ is a great novel, but not accurate about children in Auschwitz, who were normally separated and gassed on arrival. Many children survived WWII and had a very bad time of it, but not normally in the ‘death camps’. I grew up with people who had been in DPI camps after WWII (and after Hungary 1956) before coming to Australia, not that flash but not that bad either.

We read many stories of mothers whose behavior to their children is less than kind. If OP has been hearing this for ‘my entire life, daily’, this might be similar. I certainly agree with Lealonnie about disabling the TV. I posted because just a small question mark might actually help OP deal with mother.
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sp19690 Mar 2022
I remember reading the diary of Anne Frank and how her mother died of starvation with food in her pockets. The mother was keeping the food for her children.
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I am afraid there is no way for a "second generation survivor" to ever know what it was like for a "survivor".
You say that you have discussed this with your Mother, this "parking" of your Dad before this ongoing trauma?
What has she said to you?
Because to be frank we all either watch or don't for our own reasons. My partner is a lifelong history buff with a degree in history. He finds it all something he wants to follow. He is also much more of a new media buff than I am.
I do not watch much of it at all. Had I a choice of a gun, or of anything else, I would have to make that choice. Meanwhile, in a world that was NEVER EVER without war, for me to park and watch for any time at all seems not a healthy choice. We need to know enough to have knowledge and empathy, but at the point that we cannot have any real input nor give any real help other than donations, there is little good done by filling our heads with the same scenes over and over and over. And having stopped by CNN where my guy is parked, I can tell you it is the SAME scene (gruesome as they can make it) over and over and over again.
I think this is between you and your Mom and is about your Dad's overall health. Seems traumatizing to me, like putting a rape victim in front of constant films depicting rape.
I would discuss again with Mom. If you can get nowhere, well, then I guess you can get nowhere. They have lived their lives after the war until now without your input, seeing war upon war upon war. They have made their choices for their marriage. And that's about it.
Life is full of tragedy. If the photographer doesn't go to Africa and film starving children covered in flies, that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. The whole discussion of what this does to us when we can't help and to the photographers (more than a few commit suicide) is another discussion.
From the time man could reach to grab a rock he's used it to knock off another's block.
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Layne7 Mar 2022
Your reply reminded me of my own parents. My dad fought in WWII, and he would watch anything available about it. Had he been alive for the war in Ukraine, God help the person who tried to prevent him from watching the news. I would have been told it was none of my business. I agree with everything that has been said about it being unhealthy, but at some point we do what we can do.
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Your parents, though survivors, likely have PTSD. Although they may pass away, the trauma they survived will still pass to you through the memories they have shared. Not hearing the reruns may give you a sense of freedom from the past, but it may also bind you to the past as you grieve for your parents who have passed on. It may be that not watching CNN for a few days will give your father some respite from the awful scenes being replayed in his mind. It may also give your mother some breathing space and not trigger her stories. There are some television networks that broadcast shows from the 60s and 70s that they may like. My mother loves to watch the old "westerns" on television.
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Isthisrealyreal Mar 2022
I have to disagree, I don't think you can transfer trauma through stories.

Hearing about and actually living it are two entirely different situations and do not create the same response.
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Does your mother suffer from dementia as well? It sure sounds like it. I would tell mother she has one choice: she either turns off the news ENTIRELY for dad forever more or you will use a scissors to cut the plug clear OFF of the wire to the TV set. I would literally do that, too, if it were me. You can then install a DVD player and bring over light hearted movies & cartoons for dad to watch instead of horrible war scenes he has no business watching, the poor soul. Give her ONE MORE CHANCE to stop the insanity which is ABUSIVE to dad, or the scissors come out.
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Isthisrealyreal Mar 2022
But you couldn't watch DVDs if the TV has no plug :-(
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Isabella, I think those who've suffered and experienced incredible hardships through war, especially in the concentration camps, are affected for life, either through not being able to speak of the horrors, or of engaging in action to ensure it doesn't happen again.

Soldiers can be affected in similar ways; I've learned never to ask a solider what he or she did during service, especially those who served in WWII or Vietnam.

That's a simple summary; the issues as you know are much more complex.

My maternal grandmother escaped from Armenia during the Turkish massacres. She speaks only briefly of what occurred before her parents were able to employ escape routes for their children. Grandma only mentions briefly what the Turks did in their slaughter of Armenians, then she looks off in the distance and becomes very pensive. We never pursued the issue when one of those trance type moods overcame her.

I think your mother may be trying to reconcile the how, what and why of what happened, as it still is a major part of her life, and very traumatic. Sometimes speaking of those kinds of events can offer relief. Sometimes not. But it can also be torture; there's no way to reconcile the inhumanity of what some perverted people can do to others.

I honestly don't know if your mother can escape the horrors, but I think you're wise and insightful to try a different approach. Are there any support groups through synagogues or ethnic groups with whom she could interact?

As a third generation survivor, I don't think anyone knows how this WILL affect you, although I've read of how it CAN affect the second generation. I can't recall the source now, but it was very reliable. Second generations can have guilt feelings, that they are now living in relative safety, and hopefully will never have to deal with those situations again. The guilt feelings can be overwhelming though.

As the tv anchors repeatedly mouth sympathy for the Ukrainians but continue to air horrific scenes, I find myself thinking more and more of what my grandparents and great grandparents suffered in the Turkish massacres. (One was sent to Russia and never heard from again). I'm at the point of not being to tolerate much more than an update; the videos are just too horrific and upsetting. I can't imagine how horrific this could be for your father.

If I can recall the source, I'll post back, but it's way back in my memory as to when I first read of the consequences to subsequent generations. One thing I did do when I was younger though was to cultivate relationships with other Armenians, and focus more on our culture and music than on the horrors.

I think your mother may be caught up in a "loop", of trying to rationalize and get past her childhood, but I certainly share and respect your concern for how it affects your father.

And I would find something else for him to watch in the morning, something like nature shows, or of animals. The press despite its alleged sympathy is focusing on death scenes and of destruction in Ukraine; even I can't watch this on tv. Even though I'm third generation, I still can imagine how my grandparents and maternal parents must have suffered.

Perhaps the first thing to do is find something else to entertain your father in the morning. Do you have any nature videos? Does he like music? It's far more soothing than tv. I think also that a very gentle talk with your mother could help her realize that both she and your father are being harmed by watching the scenes that tv newscasts play over and over.

I would also contact any religious groups that might be able to help, such as those in a synagogue, or even Veteran groups; I get their newsletters and note that they focus a lot on PTSS, which your mother may have.

I wish I could offer something more concrete, but do know that you're not alone, and that your concerns are certainly legitimate and valid.
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isabella4 Mar 2022
yes, GardenArtist, I know the research you are referring to. It is very insightful. She doesn't like the church, she's pushed all of her friends away over the years, regrets everyday that she came to America, and everyone and everything has done her wrong.
No book , no news, no movie can ever depict the extent to what happened. I hope though, that through all the hardships your grandparents and parents went though, they are like a beacon to show you the strength of the human spirit . I think as my dad is losing his vision, hearing, and no longer can speak, that spirit will still be there. It is a strength I'm sure you can feel in them just as I do in him. So as it comes time for us to grow old, I feel honored to hopefully carry just a spark of the strength he has on to my children. I can feel confident you want to also.
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Yes please please ask Mom to change the channel 😥

I am not old enough to directly remember WWII & Grandparents never talked of it to us kids - of the rations & blackouts, the fathers, brothers who signed up.

I've met older folk through work who have recounted displaced, death camps personal history. Seen a few camp tattoos. Truly awful stuff. How they survived I don't know. The scars must run so deep. (PTSD had no name then...)

I must admit I am glued to the Ukraine news right now but I would not switch this on for anyone with lived war history unless they specifically asked. I choose the gardening or cooking channels or a nice David Attenborough doco.
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isabella4 Mar 2022
hi Beatty
thank you for lifting me up.
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Have your mother put the TV on Nickelodeon or Animal Planet. ESPN. Whatever he used to enjoy outside of the news. If the only thing he enjoys is news, set the remote to CSPAN.
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isabella4 Mar 2022
Peggy, it must sound silly, but I don't watch tv. What is CSPAN like?
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To be honest, I’m wondering about this. From what I’ve read, very few children grew up in the WWII death camps. Children were gassed on arrival at most camps (eg Auschwitz) or died shortly afterwards (eg Anne Frank). Children weren’t able to work, so in general didn’t get fed and didn’t survive (unless they were twins who interested Mengele).

If for your “entire life, daily, I would hear something from my mom about her bad past in the war and the camps”, I would question if it’s been a constant play for sympathy rather than the full truth. That may sound unsympathetic, and she may have had a bad time. But her insistence on this may be her own play for sympathy, not about your father at all. Look after your father, and don’t be intimidated by your mother’s ‘memories’.
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lealonnie1 Mar 2022
So you are questioning the truth of what the OPs mother is saying about growing up in a death camp b/c 'from what you've read, very few children grew up in the WWII death camps'? Very few doesn't mean 'none'. Why would you question such a thing, which has no bearing on what the mother is putting the father thru on a daily basis???? Putting 'memories' in quotation marks is quite insulting and irrelevant to everything this OP is saying here!

From 'what I've read' in the news lately, there's no truckers protest convoy going on either. The Covid 'vaccines' are perfectly safe & haven't killed a single soul, the 2020 election was 'fair & square' and about 1,000,000 other 'facts' that aren't facts at all but yellow journalism that is entirely INVENTED by the MSM to mislead us into groupthink. Don't believe everything you 'read', is the moral of the story Margaret.
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I'm so sorry. This is the saddest post I've ever read on here. Please change the channel, even if it infuriates your Mom. He cannot go on like this, it sounds like torture to me.
I would call APS if it continues. This cannot be allowed to continue.

You must try to reason with your Mom to make her understand how wrong this situation is. Does she have Alzheimer's too? Why on earth is she doing something to cruel to him?
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isabella4 Mar 2022
thank you LavenderBear, it is a very many-sided situation and I will answer through others posts as the site only allows so much of a reply. My dad as he ages is going back further into the old dialect that he spoke as a child. Only my mom and I can speak and understand. He also would suffer immeasurably without my mom as one can imagine the separation anxiety. The days he's been without my mom one can easily count. Calling APS would be devastating. We are the only ones who can help him make sense of the different worlds his mind wonders in and out of. He knows as well as we do we are his only lifeboat. I do change the channel and occupy him with good news articles, The Earth videos, polka music, his harmonica. It amazes me how, except for the moments he begs me to let him die, how grateful he is . He will tell you thank you for any little thing you do for him, will offer up his food to you. And until last month, he would sit there and suddenly speak up and say " well, I can't do anything anymore, but I can still whistle for you". That whistle each time would bring me so much joy. That whistle has quieted now, and I still smile each time I think of it. Now, I lean into him and whistle to him.
I think my mom has always played the victim and uses her story to get attention. It IS a horrific past she still endures ( as one will never lose something like that) and I will in no way minimize it. However, when one asks of her family even before the war, she will paint herself the victim. They will sit in front of the tv and she will recount to him the bad memories, and as soon as she knows he is going down into the vortex, she will turn off the tv and say, "now come on, you can't let yourself get so low". I think it is a way to control how people feel sorry for her. If she is with a person longer than a short time, she will pull out the victim card; not only of her childhood, but anything, her story will be sadder, more difficult, about anything. On the other hand, my father, who at 6 years old would crawl under the barbed wire fence in the camp and sleep in the holes in the trees , running through the fields to the farms to get food in the deep of the night, will never on his own begin telling any story. My mom has covert narcissist behavior and I have always been the scapegoat. One knows with a narcissist , there is always a scapegoat.I believe now that my dad is becoming somewhat her scapegoat, as he is no longer strong, she can let out her bitterness at the world to my father covertly by playing this over and over again. It is very traumatizing because my father was in both Tito's death camps and Hitler's. I can't imagine what it must feel like when she says the words "Russia is at war". I try to spend as much time with him as possible, that is the best gift I can give him. It just saddens me that after my mom making it through all that, she has never had the gift given to herself of the deep joy of just being alive.
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