I would like to add a few details to my post about not wanting my sister to come to my house. Not because I feel I need to justify to anything to anyone. My stepdad had his first stroke on 6 October. I got a call from his niece to come get my mother. Stepdad=blended family. There’s a stepsister from Florida. We’re in Massachusetts. Mild stroke, rehab, stepsister and husband decide to take dad back to Florida. Without his wife and partner of 50 years. I was appalled. My mom’s social security was $524.plenty they said. Stepdad had tons of visitors, homemade food World Series hats. My mom had rags. Stepdad was cheap. I loved him but very cheap. I offered to take them both in until they could go home. He wouldn’t drive again but that was all. They took him back to his home and he called my mom to ask when she was coming home...several times a day. Developed a UTI and stepsister and husband had enough in less than 5 days he was in a nursing home. He begged anyone to bring him home. Offered strangers $1000.to drive him to his house. Threatened suicide. I desperately tried to get my mom into same nursing home for them to be together. I would have done anything...anything. Even spoke to an attorney to see about keeping them together. On Friday night less than a week later we decided they would both go into a nursing. The next day stepsister was having lunch with dad and he had a massive stroke. They moved him to Hartford, CT for no good reason. An on November 19th after withholding nutrition for several days he passed away. It was my oldest son’s birthday. Stepsister’s 4 kids had all been flown up on dad’s money. They were All at the mall when he passed. My youngest son, who grew up with this “grandpa” all his life was there alone when he passed and will be forever grateful for that special time with him. He was THEIR grandfather too.. From 6 October to 19 November no one called to see how my mother was. Not one of stepdad’s family. Not before or since he died. Not one visit to stepdad in hospital or mom from sister or her 27 year old son. No one offered or asked to pay for my oldest son’s trip from Ohio..he drove. I had to buy food at the Pride station for weeks because I couldn’t leave mom alone and she can’t walk more than 10-15 feet. I’d run into the pride station so I could see her in the car. So all of you that think I’m so miserable and to someone who even had the nerve say my mom might not be safe with me. I’m not bitter or resentful....I’m hurt by all that’s happened. Hurt by my sister, my stepdad’s family. This was harder than divorces, cancer, kids leaving home, everything. I miss my stepdad so much. I love my mom...she deserved better than that. Especially from her own children. She has been through enough at this point. I don’t care what anyone else has to say...most of us do the best we can as parents...none of us is perfect...she wasn’t...but neither was I. Yes I cried for two months, anyone with any feelings would be broken hearted for this 89 and 87 year old couple together for 50 years......you know what..... I am crying now.
All you’ve been through though, you have a right to feel anyway that you would like! You’ve been through a lot. I am so sorry. I pray it gets better soon. I wish I could be of more help to you.
Not miserable as in behaving miserably towards mom, miserable as in desperately unhappy.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear stepdad.
I hope that you can find a way to get some more help with your mom, whether from your sister or from the local Area Agency on Aging.
Have you looked into NH care? From your posts about stepdad, I gather you're not opposed to that on principal.
Barb expressed so well what most of us feel, “miserable as in desperately unhappy”. Who could blame you? Hard to be chipper when the world is falling apart around us.
Very sorry about your stepfather dying and the details about his death are heartbreaking. That would eat at me too.
I tend to agree with Barb that you need more help. Most of us do, it is nice for caregivers to have a change of scenery, a change of pace for awhile.
I will be the first to admit that I need to follow my own advice. I need to let go also. I have done everything for what seems like forever (since 2005).
I suppose for those of us who had to survive on autopilot, we start to feel it’s the way it has to continue forever but we both know deep down that isn’t true and it may seem like others are harsh when they try to drill that message into our thick skull. Yes, some are rude with bad advice but they are few and far between. I’ve had wonderful encouragement from people here. Some simply misunderstood something.
I know I have been guilty of becoming overly sensitive and conditioned to believing that I am invisible to anyone other than my mom.
Sometimes I even feel invisible to her, in other words, just her servant but I know deep down that isn’t true. She loves and appreciates me. It’s the frustration talking.
Do I have sibling issues? You bet I do! Many of us do and it stinks! I often think of the serenity prayer that addicts use, for God to help me to change what I can and accept what I can’t.
I also have fear of the unknown. Sort of like a helicopter mom who only believes she can care for her child. She doesn’t see she is smothering her child.
I was never a helicopter mom so it bothers me to know that I am struggling with my emotions with my mom knowing I really should place her in assisted living. It’s scary for me.
I envision her needing me or being holed up in her room even though I would still be there for mom. I just hope something will click and make me move forward faster than I am. Yes, finances are an issue and need to follow up on aid and assistance veterans benefits. Want to get mom assessed also, fill out living will and so forth.
Have a feeling I am procrastinating somewhat. Let’s hang in there together and encourage one another.
By the way, I apologize for anyone that was rude to you. Maybe those people won’t show up on this thread. If they do, “consider the source” and move on. Annoying and hurtful and not everyone will understand.
Some who have moved past their issues may have forgotten what it feels like to be overwhelmed. Others, share wisdom and their experiences have truly helped me.
Please let us know how you and your family are doing.