When constant anger and berating are directed at only one person (who happens to be the one who has been most involved with her care overseeing household bills, care arrangements by outside home caretakers (trying to insure that they follow protocol and skilled nursing release instruction, is this dementia or a response to release frustration at the easiest and most vulnerable target.
Many of us want to lash out when we are frustrated. Most of us have social filters in place that keep up from lashing out at people who are not responsible for our frustration. Or if we do, we recognize our error and apologize. Unfortunately persons with dementia are losing or have entirely lost their social filters. They say things like "My, isn't that man fat!" while standing in a check-out line, something they may have thought but certainly not said in a loud voice in the past. No wonder they also lash out in frustration at people who did not cause the frustration!
Nothing makes this easy to accept. This points might make it a little less awful.
1) Realize that this is Not Your Fault. No matter what the person with dementia says, you know in your own mind the truth.
2) Don't take it personally. Yes, it sounds very personal. It isn't. It is about the state of mind of the person who has dementia.
3) Over time you may be able to recognize what triggers the worst outbursts and try to minimize them.
4) Validate the person's feelings, without agreeing that they should be directed at you. "Oh, isn't it so frustrating when that happens! I hate things like that. I don't blame you for being mad."
5) Try to redirect after validating feelings. "I don't blame you for being mad. ... I'd feel better if I had a nice root beer float now. How about you?"
Anger is very, very hard to deal with as a caregiver. The period that my husband was paranoid and accused me of things was among the worst in the ten years he had dementia.
Mothers least favorite person. I am the POA, and she can't stand the fact I actually have to watch how $$ is spent, etc. Its the worst. I feel, after much contemplation, it is a combination (in my case) of me being the "face of reality" in her world...a reality she does not want to face or acknowledge...as well as the dementia.