I said I have a life too and sometimes things go wrong today. It was because my air conditioning is broken and I need to get it fixed. The job looks pretty big, so I will have to have a caregiver while they fix it. My mother started crying and carrying on about how she took care of my grandmother. She wasn't working full time like I am.
You say Mom’s primary ailment is depression. Could it also be dementia? Has she been evaluated? These are both conditions that can cause us to become very emotional. I suffer from depression as well. Yesterday, a Facebook friend had to put her cat down. I’ve never met her or her cat but we have been friends for a dozen years online. When I read her post, I cried like a baby.
If Mom is becoming difficult for you to care for, you might want to consider other options for her. It’s a lot to work full time and care for someone who can be difficult.
There needs to be a putting down of the foot—your foot. Just because she is your mom doesn’t mean she is your Slave Master.
Practice saying, “No, Mom. I can’t do that right now.” If you snap to it every time she barks at you, more than one-half the responsibility for your situation is your fault. Stop being so available to her. Allocate one-half of one of your days to her for her to do as she pleases. Shopping, Visiting, whatever. If you can’t make in because you have something to do, she’ll just have to wait. I would not hire someone else. Pop in with a few groceries if she needs them or a pizza one day after work and that’s it. If she becomes angry and accusatory, tell her good-bye and leave.
I would absolutely consider a higher level of care for her. I really think she needs it. That would take a lot of the pressure off you.
Is mom seeing a psychiatrist for her depression? Is she on meds? Perhaps she needs a different one, a higher dosage or an additional med. Because her reaction to the fact that you will miss one day of visiting is WAY out of proportion.
Start cutting back on your visits.
It sounds to me like your mom has some narcissistic traits and controls you with Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG--it's a thing, you can Google it!)
The alcohol and depression also sound familiar and just exacerbate their issues of self-involvement. I have been completely dumbfounded by some of my mother's outrageous demands and blatant disregard of my schedule, financial obligations and... feelings.
I just try to remember when my parents were younger. This isn't who they always were. They are losing control of so many aspects of their lives, they often lash out and have ridiculous expectations that are really based in their fear and frustration.
I'm not preaching or lecturing (I'm actually avoiding my parents altogether currently, after being pushed to my personal limits), but just try to have compassion for your mom and yourself. If she is unreasonable, take care of yourself. Try to be kind to her, but don't engage or apologize. You aren't dealing with a reasonable person, you have to be the reasonable one. Personal boundaries are helpful in avoiding burnout or becoming resentful.
You're doing what you can, you are doing better than me! 👍🏻
Hope it gets easier 💕
I hope you can find a solution, but don’t expect Mom to change. Old habits die hard.