I will be 65 in a few months. My husband of 30+ years committed suicide in home basement. We had a paid off house in suburbs, but were behind in property taxes in NJ. Obtained reverse mortgage in 2008. My name was taken off of title and deed w/o knowledge. Later determined by fed. Govt. to be victim of predatory lending. 2 months after signing paper work my husband committed suicide. Because I was not 62 foreclosure was started against me. Lived in house for 30 yrs and worked all of adult life. Meanwhile I was left w/o support system. Returned to work not in my field. Daughter attended medical assistant school. New job was companion for 85 yr old woman close to home. Township turned off my water for 'not using enough water' Eventually we were forced to leave house because of lack of water.I moved into house of employer and paid most of my salery for rent. My daughter moved in with friends and began new job as MA. I was in retail adv. Design for newspaper w impeccible employment history.I looked young for age, physically fit, well educated, fashionable, outgoing. When my charge died at age 89 I needed to find a new home. My daughter rented an apt. In Philadelphia. I moved in w her. Both my husband and myself came from wealthy families. My husband was due to inherit large sum after step mother was deceased. In case of her outliving him the money would go to blood, bypassing spouses of my husband and his siblings spouses. When step mother died after husband inheritance was left to my daughter which was not considered a problem because we had agreed it would be split. When daughter received it, close to 1 million dollars, she told me she would give me only $50, 000. She would not discuss where she came up with arbitrary sum. I believe it was her new boyfriend who influenced her. I always gave my daughter finest clothes, toys, cars, etc, never used corporal punishment, was always a good and generous caring mother. To regain possession of my house I needed 30,000. She has never given me the 50, 000 as promised and eventually house and all of my possessions were seized without notice. Clothing, antiques, furniture, important papers, computers, everything.
In the 2and a half years living w her in a strange city my health has dramatically declined, I stay alone in a cheap white apt room totally isolated as daughter and new boyfriend will not talk to me. I don't have my car, I see no one, and have lost almost all of my hair due to stress, malnutrition and dehydration. My eyes have also deteriorated, untreated cataracts, vitreous detachment and mass on brain/orbit. Untreated broken ankle. Literally sit and lie on bed every day for over one year now. No walking, movement at all except to bathroom, kitchen. In the beginning, my daughter would buy food and I could at least cook nutritious meals. Now, she will order delivery for boyfriend and self only. I went through 12, 000 that I had managed to save in 3 years at last job. I was forced to relinquish all of it for rent and food. Finally I became elibible for widows benefits. 750 per month. Must use that for cabs to rare dr appts and mostly for food delivery. I usually eat one meal every 4 days. New boyfriend is only 25 while my daughter is 34. Its obvious that she is being used. I asked them to pick me up a few pieces of flounder, he said it was too expensive and that they are tired of supporting me. I told him that he doesn't support me but that my daughter supports him! They go on long extravagant vacations since neither of them choose to work. I long for my flowers and my birds at home and miss my husband so much. Also, my cats were left behind and I wonder what has become of them.
In first year here, my daughter who is bigger than me would attack me physically and literally throw me out of the apt
Because I said that I would call social services she has stopped laying hands on me but continues to verbally and financially abused me. Her new boyfriend is verbally abusive Calls me old woman and they tell me to Die in this room, and to go and live under a bridge. Everyday There are new packages arriving for my daughter of expensive clothing Hundreds and hundreds of pieces Meanwhile I am dressed in rags, old T-shirt w holes and pants that don't fit. When they tell me to leave If I don't like it here I say give me the money that you promised and I will leave. He tells me " You ain't getting s***" Neither one has a driver's license or job. My daughter has been convicted of several dui's, now uses cocaine and heroin that new boyfriend has introduced her to. They sleep all day, awake around 6pm and are up all night arguing, slamming doors, etc. I have no where to turn and have been threatened by bf not to even try to seek help. I am now unrecognizable and have aged 30 yrs. Near starvation every day, no fresh air, sun or exercise, I am dying. Have kept photos of my decline and of abuse on this phone. There is much more. What advice can u offer as I feel I would still be an asset to world if well & free. Please do not call authorites. Thank you for listening.
Everyone knows that if someone is using drugs in the home, they will be taken away by police. You are understandably afraid, but why is it that getting help is not better than the status quo? Your mind must be playing tricks on you.
There are people on here that if given enough contact information (use private messaging), they are mandated reporters and can send help to you. I suggest that you do contact AC forum, and let the consequences for the drug addicted fall where they may.
Or, you can become competent for a day and call 911. Or, call a taxi.
Good luck, am so sorry that I cannot help you myself. Babalou and Cwillie have given you good advice. Please be brave, continue to be brave. It no longer matters what you've had, owned before, or if there are holes in your t-shirts.
What are you waiting for? You go girl!!
Without contact with the outside world, what do you suppose will change your situation? Divine intervention? If you can post on a forum, you can contact social services, your doctor, the nearest hospital, the police. You need help. Get help.
I do ask myself what is the purpose of staying alive if I can't live a meaningful life. If I put myself in the hands of police I could end up anywhere, even worse thann here. I want to contact a woman or I saw names mentioned in a reply. I think that I am probably in worse shape thsn I realize. But all of you have given me hope. As for the ones that mentioned I'm a troll that is not very nice.
As I am writing this and the hunger is hurting I just heard the boyfriend from the bedroom with my daughter discussing my widow benefits, how much my medicine costs, etc. And just now I heard them order food for themselves only. Now I feel anger because she knows I need food. Why do I stay? Because she used to be my daughter. To go without basics is to be demoralized. I don't have the energy to wash and dress to leave but if I can get a cab to nj, before my daughter turned on me she gave me this phone. She does continue to pay for it when she put it on the family plan with hers and I am afraid that she will stop paying for mine if she knows I get help and this is my only communication with outside world plus it has evidence of my decline and notes on subject. .professional s that don't know us in pa would take their word over mine simply because they have told me they know how to talk to police while I appear not with it. They are both healthy and well dressed and aer fast talkers. Tired now, wikk review answers again later. Elizabeth
But if you are afraid of 'ending up somewhere worse' - better the devil you know? - I cannot imagine where you think that might be. In any case I am sorry for your unhappiness, sorry for the trouble with your daughter, and wondering if perhaps both you and your daughter need help with finding ways to improve your living situation. Even allowing for your belief that she would be a persuasive liar, I would be interested to hear her take on what's going on.
Elizabeth
Elizabeth you clearly are in an unhappy state, and it is a good thing that you are making contact with outsiders. But you must understand that we can only go on what you tell us, and when there are contradictions in your narrative - you're being isolated and starved and neglected, but then you're alone in the house with all modern means of communication and ordering Chinese food, for example? - then of course we are going to have doubts about what is really going on.
My guess is that your daughter has formed a relationship that you, for what may be extremely good reasons, profoundly disapprove of and are concerned about for her sake as well as your own. That makes sense as far as it goes. But you are not helpless, just facing very unpleasant decisions about how far to rock the boat. I'm sorry for your troubles. All I can say is that nothing will change unless and until you look at your own living situation and address it. You can get help to move out, help with healthcare, help with assessing your care needs as an older person. You are not alone, and many things can be done to improve how you're situated. What you can't do is dictate your daughter's choices. I hope that if she has got into a bad relationship then she will in future get out of it again; but meanwhile look to your own life and seek help with practical ways to live independently of your daughter. That is achievable; and if the consequences of calling attention to the household should include trouble for her and her boyfriend then on their heads be it. They don't constitute a good reason for you to sit alone in the dark.
Nothing is going to change until you take the first step. If you are waiting for your daughter to see the light, you might well expire first, and we don't want that to happen. We want you to get help, but you have to get it from outside. We here, we caregivers who are doing the best we can taking care of our loved ones, are NOT professionals in this business.
If you want someone to call a social service agency on your behalf, there may be a way to contact the administrator of this site and ask for this to be done. Without having yourself taken to the hospital for treatment of your ills, I don't know how you expect to survive this ordeal.
Other than sympathy, what do you want? You have a phone. You can call 911, or APS, or Catholic Charities, or your local Area Agency on Aging for help. It seems to me that calling the police couldn't possibly be worse than starving in a basement, but maybe you have a different world view.
I am not making any promises, but write back here on this public forum, trusting yourself that you are still intelligent enough, competent enough to discern that people's replies to you may or may not be helpful and that you should take what you want, and leave the rest, (In your case) ignore the rest. Take time to reconsider going to a hospital, requesting to have your former physician consulted on your case; with the possibility to be transferred back to your own area and under his care. (Or second best, under the care of someone he would refer you to) I do believe what you have told us here. Checking back later.
Does that sound like a possibility? Because that is what you have described he has done to your daughter.
How are you doing right now? Write back. There are some really helpful people that can help you on here. I like that you are able to write back, don't hold any criticism back, we can take it. This may take awhile to get you in a mental position to help yourself, or even to be able to call for help.
Planning your escape, wash your face. Then, daily, wash your face. It may take a week or longer to clean yourself up so that you no longer appear as homeless
Take a few baby steps at a time. The goal would be to have clean hair. Later, a shower. Remember, these are your own requirements, for yourself to get help.
I understand you are weak. You can do this!
Will this type of support help you get up and get moving?
Last thing you need is to be coddled. So I'm not going to shower you with phrases like "You poor thing, that's terrible;" or "How insensitive of them to treat you that way." Forget it.
The squeaky wheel gets the grease, but it seems that pretending to be vulnerable and utterly helpless somehow makes you feel better about your living situation and yourself.
In the time it took you to write your post you could've dialed for assistance. What's stopping you?
So, that's my story. Neither one will speak to me after I told him to stop lying about me to Rachel. He said that I let one of our cats out because I broke the screen. I said why would I do that, he said, maybe u were angry. Totally baseless. Then I was accused of overfeeding the cats and leaving a cat can on the counter. Other lies but my daughter listens to him and is treating me like I had done something unforgivable. Meanwhile his only job for free rent, lavish gifts, sound equipment, drums, guitars, clothes and vacations is to clean the litter boxes. His way is to never clean it for a month, then buy new litter and dump box after a month. I suppose I'm not helping Rachel at all by staying because he has already successfully Isolated her from me. A very strange situation, and don't forget, he's only 25!
Anyway, your support and an organized list of things to do is very helpful since I am confused and frozen and have never had to deal with such an odd set of circumstances before.
Liz
I'm a little curious as to how someone who is intent on isolating his girlfriend would then allow an old friend of hers to stay overnight for a birthday breakfast.
But actually that's only a detail and the important thing is how you get on. I hope that now you're able to start taking better care of yourself things will continue to improve. Please keep posting, best wishes.
Later that week, Mark had his mother buy them him (Rachel & Mark have developed into a third personality) a cheap futon from walmart to replace Chris' couch. The futon remained in the box for a week, I knew he was incapable of and too lazy to assemble it. So a month later, when I heard that her friend was coming for birthday, (daughter told me) I was curious. I figured it out and even wrote in my journal that Mark would use him to put futon up. Sure enough, after they came back from dinner, Rich the platonic friend was put to work assembling futon. He slept that night on it and was waiting to take them out to breakfast, I went into lr and saw Rich just sitting there. So I went in to see him. Dropped subtle hints in our conversation. Also, Mark had no intention of going back out for breakfast. Rich is her best friend and she used to have Sunday breakfast at diner every 2 weeks or so when she lived w Chris but not anymore. Rich had assembled the futon, now get out is basic scenario. Rachel never even came out to say goodbye and he has done so much for her. There are many red flags w Mark.
Last night after I finally ate and wrote to Eddie and Send I made my shopping list up for today. When I woke up Mark had already biked to store and even made a second trip, bringing back tons of cat food. I had been buying them cases through Amazon and last week Rachel texted me that she appreciated it. When I heard him complain that I was over feeding them, I texted my list and cat food was at top of list. It's so obvious that he wants Rachel totally dependent on him only. As soon as he found out that I was going to market, boy did that get him up and out and he bought so much cat food and proclaimed this to Rachel. The question from Country mouse was very important and not minor detail. I know that Rachel won't be seeing Rich again as long as he's with her.
To Send me: Yes your confirmation helps a lot. Yes, I am vulnerable but aware. I always lock my bedroom door now. I realized that I have to be in a position of strength to help Rachel which means to live elsewhere. I wrote in my journal this morning to wash face, wash hair and I did it! Not going to let this underbelly of society bring me down. Everybodies CONFIRMATION extremely to me. It tells me that I'm not crazy just stuck in a bad situation. Once I'm out of here I will contact Rachel's legions of friends, they might have ideas. Meanwhile, I know what I'm really up against and I'm smarter than he is. I hear my daughter's voice regressing and his constant murmuring and brainwashing voice day and night. Because of him my daughter is drug user, has given up on her nursing career, kindness is gone, love of life is gone. Mark's mother has been married 6 times, collects from string of ex husbands so there is family background for conning people there.
I know that I will prevail now, thanks to all three of you. Before this I had laid down to die. I'm playing the Massa Mark bit while I'm here. More dangerous to speak mind. He had Rachel turn my phone off Friday morning and that is a disaster. I called carrier and paid bill w number on file, probably my daughter's. She would never do this to me, otherwise, even if we had a spat. I could never afford it otherwise and is my only link to outside and keeps my mind active when I play knowledge games and text old acquaintances, see news and interact with people on group sites. I know I'm substituting this for live real interaction but must remain sane.
So when Mark came back from store I made a point to go into kitchen and praise him for his shopping. Must defuse not aggravate.
So my new job is to take care of myself and help Rachel later when I am able.
I listed steps that you gave me, Send, and I am following them. After the washing of my hair, I was tired and wasn't strong enough for market, will try to go tomorrow, but there is water and pasta now and I will make that now for me.
I am posting publicly because of your comment that I was posting privately before. I thought what is the difference and then considered that public posts would be of more value to this site. Confirmed by Send, for I wasn't sure.
Thanks to all, you provide a tremendous service.
Liz