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My father died in May from congestive heart failure. I was his caregiver and worked with Hospice in his passing, but it has haunted me. I had to give him morphine when I wanted to nourish him back to health. Two weeks after his death, I moved my 86 year old Mom into my home as she is wheel chair bound, and can do nothing for herself. I have lived next door to my parents for 38 years and helped them all thru the years gladly. When Mom moved in with us, it's like a light switch was flipped. I love my Mom dearly and have been devoted to her all my life. After a few months, I am so frustrated and bitter. I take very good care of her, but just do not understand these feelings of resentment and anger. I have no help. I have two sisters who live out of state but they do nothing. Adding to this is my little granddaughter has been sick a lot, and I cannot be with her as she is two hours away; and I have no help or money to hire a sitter. I haven't had time to grieve my Dad, nor can I help with my granddaughter's chronic illness. Is this why I suddenly resent my Mom? I just don't understand. It scares me that I can feel this way towards someone I have always cherished.

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I'm feeling much the same of my mother that I've put everything into for the last 10 years... Recently, I beat myself up putting up decorations AND making her a very special Christmas party with live music... only to find out she hates me... I'm VERY resentful of her non-respect for me... She IDOLIZES my 2 brothers that do NOTHING for her... She actually LIVES with ME !!! and, I'm disgusted with her.
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You have not yet finished your griefwork for your father and you expect a repeat performance with your mother. You don't resent her, you resent losing both of them. Going to care for your granddaughter will not lift your spirits because you are in an emotional pit right now. You need to get stronger, you cannot save anyone unless you save yourself first. Arrange for a nursing home for mom temporarily, you are not emotionally ready to take on another Hospice situation.
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It's Christmas eve and I've taken down all the decorations I worked so hard to put up in the last two weeks... FOR HER!!!.... She's been ignoring me, and turned around ignored me on purpose and went into 'her' room... She's NOT sick or even tired... she did this on purpose to ignor me... so, this is the night Christmas has died for me... I gave up 10 yrs of my life HERE... IN MY OWN HOME... another 30 yrs of going back and forth to another town to make her Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving 'happy'... but,. she said I never should have come!!!!!!!!!!!... I HATE MY MOTHER and have been reduced to HATING HER which I never thought I could do... She's a controller and manipulator... LIFE WILL NEVER EVER BE THE SAME FOR ME!...
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Hmm, are you trolling, Heart2Heart, or just hijacking the threads?
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What are you talking about JessieBelle?????
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Excuse me if I'm loading too much on all of you... I thought I could get some help here...
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Unfortunately, holiday expectations when unmet lead to great disappointments.
Remember relationships like clothing are not held together, do not get their strength, from a few big knots, but thousand of tiny stitches.
Hating your mother for being who she is is an exercise in hurting yourself. Try just accepting her and redefining your relationship based on how it really is, not how you would like it to be. Use your head to put your heart in the right place.
Took me decades to do that and then only after she died. Don't let that happen to you.
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Heart2Heart, I know how resentment. I stopped doing the extra stuff recently. I would advise you NOT to put up Christmas decorations unless they are for YOU. I learned that the more I knock myself out for my father ( for things he doesn't care about anyway is time wasted). Next year put up one or two small decorations and do something for you.
My mother died decades ago and this year I did not make the obligatory 25 mile trip to the cemetery. Sorry, too busy this year. I did not take dad shopping for gifts for other members who gave their own lives. I drive him to the bank so that he could give a few bucks to his other deadbeat children. Instead of hosting an annual ( and expensive) Christmas party so that the family could all be together- meaning that my deadbeat siblings and their kids can see Grandpop , I told them that they could take him to lunch or dinner over the holidays.
Start cutting down and do what you need to keep your mother in good health but let the extraneous stuff go. Hope this helps.
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Codythree, you sound to me as if you are just very, very tired. As though it isn't your mother, exactly, so much as the situation she is the centre of that you're feeling bitter and resentful about. She's the focus of it because she is the one who still ties you to it, and takes up time that you need to spend on grieving for your father and on your little granddaughter.

I think you should award yourself as much sympathy as you can, everything you're feeling sounds completely understandable and natural - to me, at least.

After my father died suddenly 14 years ago, my mother's needing support gave me a useful distraction, and I was grateful for that; but even so quite often I just felt as if one damned thing after another was going wrong and it was all too much.

Is there any way you can find a breathing space? A little bit of time out to sit and think and take stock? Easier thought of than done, I know; but I hope you can, and that it helps.

Afterthought - I don't know if you're a "crafty" person, but would you perhaps enjoy making toys or scrap books or something that your granddaughter would like? No substitute for being with her or helping her mother with hands-on care, of course; just an idea.
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Codythree, I agree with CountryMouse. You need some time out and time away. Can you put her in a respite facility for a couple of weeks so that you can spend time with your granddaughter or just time doing what you want to do? When she comes back home, bring in more help, so that you can have more of a life. You've done for your parents for 38 years, now it's time to do for yourself for a change.
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Heart to Heart, it not what you think it is. Probably she just thought you should start your own thread. And you should! You put yourself out, doing something you though your mom would like and appreciate, and she didn't. Maybe she even said something really ugly to you. It hurts your heart. And you lashed back at her and took it all apart before it was even Christmas...but Mom is probably just spilling over with her own resentment of the situation and how much she hates needing care. She quite possibly tells herself that the other kids who don't care about her are just too busy or too far away because she lives with you.

Christmas does not need to die for you forever because your mom is not acting right. Either she is cognitive enough for you to share how torn up you feel because of whatever she said or did, or you are going to have to chalk it up to loss of insight and empathy. Play it out in your head first maybe,,,what would happen if you said "ok, it's obvious how much you hate me and hate living here, so tell me what you want to do? I don't want to work hard and end up just making you unhappy, and will gladly take you somewhere else if you tell me so."
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Thank you everyone for responding to my post. This has been simply an overwhelming year for all of us. I am glad I found this site, because I know I can get the support and encouragement I need to take care of both my Mom and myself.
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GEEZ i work full time, and take care of an eldrly friend too, I do everything to make him happy,, hr does not appreciate it, and answers me back when I tell him what not to do,,, but I learned to just ignore him soemtimes,,,
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Heart2Heart, I can understand your sheer frustration about trying to make Christmas a special day for you and your mother with no appreciation. Bitterness and resentment does build when no matter what you do for an elderly parent they will complain and not appreciate your efforts. You have had a long hard journey caring for your mother, yet you still hang in there doing it. Vent away about your feelings. This posting is about bitterness and resentment and that was how you were feeling.
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Heart2Heart I am in a similar situation - I am garbage to my father who I gave up all disability income and all belongings to move across the country to care for him, and do everything for him like he is a king. Yet he literally swoons giddily over anything to do with my sister who does NOTHING for him ever. He constantly rubs it in my face how he "can't help how he feels" and how she is perfect and he just worships her and her partner. All they do is visit once a year for 2 weeks and do nothing to help but suck up his money, talk endlessly about ways of killing him so they can get his money, and get him to give them whatever valuables and heirlooms that they can carry back with them, and they are already rich. He grovels and swoons over them, or the xmas cards and presents they send while degrading mine to him. Anyway, I don't want to go on more in this thread but if you start your own I will join it gladly! I wish the best for all of us. If I can drag myself out of depression enough to be proactive then I can start a thread about this and hope you will join too.
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I I am finding myself feeling resentment towards my father. He is 91 on dialysis three times per week and totally wheelchair bound. He and my mother still live in their own home, she has dementia. The situation is terrible. He had a chance to go to a VA nursing home in August and absolutely refused and caused a terrible scene and so did my mother. They both said some terrible things. Now things have progressed and my sister and I are picking up the slack. I am 61 she is 66, I work fulltime. Yes, I resent him terribly for being so very selfish.
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Lauraneida, how does your sister feel? Have you asked her? If you both feel the same way, then stop resenting your father's selfishness by declining to pick up the slack and insisting on better arrangements for their care. If your sister also works but doesn't feel the same, it's a bit more complicated because you can't easily turn your back and leave it all to her; but you can still negotiate. In any case it sounds as if his condition and your mother's illness will soon take decisions out of your hands: be prepared for more scenes.

I suppose what I'm saying is that your father can't make you do anything. Either help your parents or don't help them, your choice, but don't give in to emotional blackmail and then blame him for being successful at it!
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Countrymouse you are so right, it is emotional blackmail and I am allowing them to get away with it. My father has always been a very selfish person only thinking of his own needs, my mother has been emotionally abused by him for so long that she is like a caged animal whenever any change is introduced. They fight us on every turn. We have a caregiver come in three days per week to transport him to dialysis and cook but in between any falls or struggles, repairs anything of that sort falls on my sister (who doesn't work) and myself. I told him I can no longer lift him my back will not take it, I call the paramedics whenever he falls now. We have a social worker involved too. My parents have given us more trouble than their children ever gave them. I have a brother that lives in Texas that is retired, no help at all. My sister feels the same way I do but she gives in to him and lets my father manipulate her more easily. My concern too is being accused of elder abuse if we turn our backs.
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Yes, I know it's never as simple as saying "fine, have it your own way." Maybe work with your sister on the united front thing - though go carefully, it would be all too easy for her to hear what you say as criticism of her weakness, rather than encouragement for her to be more assertive as you'd intend; and record your father's response to every suggestion you both make for improving safety and care for both of them from a behind-covering point of view. Even the most officious officials have to recognise that you can lead the horse to water but…

Glad you're minding your back! - in all senses of the phrase. x
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@ heart,
imagine yourself at 80 yrs old + giving a flying damn about a commercial holiday. no, shit gets real at that age. your mother would probably have enjoyed a loving word and her favorite meal instead of the holiday claptrap.
im only 55 and holidays piss me off. some joker who dont care if you live or die shows up on mother-f,ers day with a bucket of flowers. thats lame people, just freakin lame. superficial, pretentious, and lame.
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AWWW Hell. it's the new year... can't we at least TRY to get along... good grief...
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* sigh *
my 31 yr old alleged son usedta call me every year and wish me happy birthday. if he cant reply during the remainder of the year to my occasional s**k b**ls email, then our relationship is probably not the best it could be.
he scoops up bullet riddled people on the streets of gary. one of us is nuts and im thinkin " him " .
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Hey Captain! Is your son an EMT? At least that's a real job.
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yea hes an emt but he thinks his dad is a joke. well jokey dad aint gonna get blown away by a feud that reentered ER. personally id give those f**ks corkscrews to remove their own bullets. ya got shot beotch ? yup, you stood up instead of shut up. im such a g-d sweetie..
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oh my, watch law and disorder in philly for the american ( declining ) experience of a lifetime. its outrageous, this homocide investigator named hunter patrols those streets without fear cause frankly hes the baddest hombre on the streets. hes nothing short of hilarious. wouldnt wanna screw with him. gun barrel doesnt taste good.
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Heart2heart i hear you loud and clear. Ive been taking care of my mom(& her sister by default, her kids are "not available") for 14 years & I am in the process of shifting all of her needs away from my direct care. I am NOT a nurse, so in spite of her objections she now lives in a place where she has 24 hr. Nursing care available. She (& my aunt ) are the queens of manipulation, but I am 61 years old & I want to own my own life. I would like to be friends with both, but they are so demanding that it sabotages the time we have together. My suggestion to you is to recognize that you have done ENOUGH for her, and move her to a place where she can get 24 hr. serious care for her health & physical needs, & then figure out how to make yourself happy. You will NEVER make her happy, so focus on yourself.
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PS. Resentment will ruin YOUR life, so figure out how to get that outta your life. And maybe it means big changes that everybody in your whole family has to deal with, including your mom.
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Heart, find out exactly what constitutes elder abuse legally and armed with that knowledge you can make good decisions. Too often we proceed with half-baked ideas and cause ourselves grief when knowing the facts would spare us that. To an abusive parent, I'd say "have a nice life!" and then go on to work on my own life. They want things their way? Then they take the consequences.
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My mom has been widowed for close to a year. She has dementia and after losing dad she got worse. My job was increasingly stressful and on top of being solely responsible for her I retired even though I am in no position to afford it. I resent that I'm supposed to give up my "golden years" to do so much for her. I need to go back to work. I'm struggling to find a job. I hear of so many moving their parent in with them. I can't do that and she can well afford a good independent living place where they'll treat her like a queen. I Never thought this is how I'd be spending my 50s. My husband is helpful but he's really starting to show his age and I'm thinking no way, I can't caretake one more person. I dream of moving away and getting a small place on my own. Someplace where I could be physically active and live a healthy life. I'm not even sure I'd mind the loneliness.
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I feel resentment toward my 80 year old mom and she's doesn't even sound as bad as some of these other posts. She lives an hour away and usually pretty independent. Lately she's needed more help from me because of her knee replacement. She's just so negative and never seems to be that happy about anything. She's depressing to be around and I'd rather spend my time with people who are enjoyable. Just wondering how I can make our time more pleasant together. I know she won't be here forever and one day I'll regret that I didn't appreciate her when I had the chance. I lost my Dad when I was 11, so I know what it feels like to wish you had even just a little more time. I have to accept that at 80 years old she's not going to change, so how do I change my frame of mind. A lot of posts say put yourself in your Mom's shoes, but that just makes me feel worse.
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