My 60 yr old brother returned home 13 yrs ago after mom passed and has laid up on my dad ever since. He is lazy, never worked, or helped dad at all. He's never even mowed dads yard, my 85 yr old dad does it or my husband. He lays in the bed 20 hrs a day with the air conditioner on and is a massive hypochondriac. My dad found out he had Cancer last year and I helped him with all his appointments & trips for treatment while my brother laid up in the house. He didn't cook, wash clothes, or even just sit in the living room and be company for my dad. He never paid a penny for rent, utilities, food or anything. He constantly bummed money for himself or his grown kids all the time. My dad has been worried & stressed out for years about it. Dad would complain to me about it but never let me confront him. A month ago daddy suffered a hemorrhagic stroke and was in the hospital. It affected his memory & some of his speech but most of the time I know what he is trying to say. He still knew how to feed himself and knows when he has to go to the bathroom. As soon as he was discharged from the hospital he transferred him straight to a nursing home and took possession of EVERYTHING he has. He has his own truck but has taken over my dads new truck & totally trashed it. He is a fat slob and he threw all his crap in my dads bedroom & shut the door. He took my house key that my dad had for me. He spent all the money my dad had in his wallet and has been using his debit & credit cards. He does NOT have POA but has convinced my other out of town sibling that does, that he needs to stay in nursing home indefinitely now. There is no reason whatsoever for this because he could be at home and I am willing to move in and take care of him myself. I have 35 yrs experience in healthcare. My brother is a leech and has always used people. He doesn't want dad at home because this way he doesn't have to take care of him plus he gets everything since dad is still living the will doesn't go into affect. I don't care about any of that. I am so upset it's made me physically sick. As soon as he found out dads mind was affected he suddenly was cured and hasn't said anything about being sick. My other brother don't care because he doesn't live here and doesn't want to be inconvenienced. I am horrified they could treat their own daddy this way, just throw him out of his own home and take everything he's worked for all his life. I need advice please!!
More information on Dad would be helpful.
Well. Somebody - your father, your brother - agreed to that. Where were you?
It's puzzling, because there you were for a whole year, taking your father to all his medical appointments and treatments and so on, while your brother sat on his whatever and did nothing; and yet when it came to the stroke and the aftermath and the care plan and the discharge, you weren't involved in any of the discussions?
I can understand that you are hurt and angry and disgusted by your brother's attitude and behaviour, and perhaps also blame him somewhat for neglecting your father? And you're frustrated that your other brother isn't on your side. But what matters now is what's best for your father. If it's obvious that he would do better at home with care, it shouldn't be impossible to make that happen. I'm just not sure that this is the heart of the issue.
I understand how upset you feel, but I'm not sure you're approaching this situation very logically. It's ten to two in the morning here after a very long day so if you'll excuse me I'll come back to it tomorrow. But just to think on: what does your husband say about your plan?
This is very early days in your father's recovery following his stroke; and presumably there is also still his cancer treatment to be considered.
So what you're dealing with is a very sick man who is currently being cared for in a Nursing Home.
How long has he been there, exactly? Two weeks or so? And has another two months, give or take, covered by Medicare?
So there is time in hand to work out what would be best for him. Have you had any discussions about this with his doctors? Or with anybody?
so its only now when you want to be a caregiver now you are worried that the brother or carehome will eat up your inheritance?
also where were you when he was in hospital for the stroke? if you were around when father was in hospital surely this couldnt have been a surprise?
if there is no POA and your father is compos mentis he probably checked himself into the carehome knowing that your brother isnt a good caregiver.
my opinion is all of the hatred you have for your lazy brother is clouding the fact that your father is sick and needs proper care and if you were around to talk it out in the hospital beforehand, it might not hand come to this point.
there seems to be a serious issues with your siblings and a serious lack of communication from all of you.
you should re-read your first post, because 95% of it is just bad mouthing your brother and isnt about your father.
Daddy was completely alert, oriented and driving everywhere before this incident happened 1 month ago. It's not alzheimers, he had a brain hemorrhage due to heparin prior to a procedure. I was working at the time of the incident & quit my job to take care of him. My brother was at the hospital prior to the procedure and had daddy's possessions while he was having it done.he never returned and at 3am the Dr called me from ICU and told me they couldn't find my brother and told me daddy suffered a brain hemorrhage. I went immediately.brother showed up 4 hrs later. I have been with him ever since but I couldn't afford hotel rooms every night and have children at home. You don't have to have poa to admit someone to a Nursing home. My brother had possession of daddy's billfold and all his bank cards and credit cards and was using them paying for hotel rooms up there and not even going to the hospital. I was concerned with my daddy, not trying to chase him down about what he was doing. Once he learned daddy's mind was affected and he wouldn't be aware of what was going on, he went on a spending spree and took over the house. He doesn't want daddy home because he wants everything for himself and not have to take care of him. I want him to be home and take care of him but my brother knows I wouldn't let him take advantage of Daddy this way. My other brother with poa has arrived now and he sees the lies that he was told and that Daddy is not as incapacitated as my brother told him. When poa brother goes to the bank tomorrow and finds out all the money that he has spent without authorization the truth will come out and he won't have a leg to stand on. Things done in the dark, sooner or later come to the light. And, no, I could care less about inheritance, I have a home and vehicles, I don't need a thing. Have a nice day
So... does that mean that you have been on the scene since the stroke, or you haven't been but for perfectly understandable, legitimate reasons?
Then again, you say you've checked and you couldn't find any POA documentation. Then you describe non-resident brother as POA.
It's all a bit confusing.
One thing is very clear, though. It will be much better for your father if you can separate out your loathing of resident brother from contributing to your father's care plan.
Just for instance. Is it possible that one reason you didn't see much of your brother at the hospital is that he might have been avoiding you? Since he was involved in transferring your father to the NH he must have turned up at some point.
I'm very sorry for your worries and your father's illness, and I hope you can all find a good way forward.
How is your dad doing in therapy?