Our brothers will not help out. We are trying to renovate our family home
so that mother can return home from the Nursing home. But they will not help
us. What can we do to get them to help out? The sisters are doing everything
and the brothers are just sitting around calling each other on the phone
complaining about what we are doing to finish the renovation process. They will not lift a finger. Please help
I have placed her in a resort like assisted living which she hates because she doesn't like leaving her home. This was a well thought out solution regarding her medical and financial situation. She has four children, three of us agree on the care plan that we decided upon. The desenting sister lives locally and has gone up to 7 months at a time without physically visiting her mother. I have the durable power of attorney, living will and medical power of attorney. The desenting sister is interfering with her transition to assisted living telling her she will take her back to her house and live with her and take care of her in the future. Where has she been the last 11 years? She has issues and cannot be trusted to take care of herself. She is motivated because she is 57 years old and basically bankrupt. She needs a nice place to live and a new car. All she cares about is financial security and once mother's cash is run through mother will be on medicaid and in a nursing home.....Our solution will give our mother a better quality of life. It is sad that the actual care giver for older parents are always chastized for making the hard decisions. If mother has any estate left it will be divided 4 ways. I want that money to give her the best quality of life she can have before the end.
We had different plans but mother didn't see it the same way after her Alzheimer's got worse. All the planning in the world is contingent on the parents ability to participate in the decisions, when they become mentally incompetent to make decisions is when the road gets rough and one person that has been designated has to try to please the whole family and that is usually not possible. The bottom line is making sure your parents best interest is served and screw the dissenter...........
The only advantage I have is that boys were expected to get a good job, so I can say that Mom needed money and it came in the mail. If repairs around the house needed to be done, they split the bill.
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HOWEVER, it had to be one of the brothers who handled the bidding, acceptance of the price and arrangements to get the repairs done. My word meant nothing.
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. Back home, I started my own business, was the bookkeeper for millions of dollars a year, handled dozens of contractors, the state, insurances and taxes, but I was "just a girl" . Mom was this way, too-maybe the worst of all. I could say the sky was blue, but until a man said it, she would not believe it. Honest!
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I don't understand why your brothers won't help/supervise the renovations. Maybe they have no money to spare, maybe they resent spending their money on someone else, maybe they were raised that men moved out, got married and took care of their own family only. Maybe they have wives who are resentful. Maybe they are just plain selfish and lazy.
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How to fix this, I am not sure. Appeal to them as big, strong, smart men? Say you think the contractor is taking advantage of your parents? Flat out say, " I am doing the work, you put up the money"? Call them up crying???????? I know that this all sounds hateful and manipulative, but you are being used and abused by your siblings (maybe your parents, too if they are in on this), so, if you have to be a bit manipulative too, then do so. Of course you want to be honest and honorable, but sometimes in life we have to be sneaky to get what we want. Not cheating, not stealing, but implying, leaving out details, leading someone on, allowing a misundertanding to continue if it gets the action you need...............after, when they whine about it, just stand strong and say "you wouldn't help any other way, and Mom and Dad needed help" or, "It is a shame that this was the only way to get you to help".
maybe this is helpful, maybe not. Good luck.
But we only get to choose our own behavior. We do not get to make choices for our siblings and expect them to live up to them. They get to make their own choices. Maybe the choices they make are selfish or juvenile or just plain crazy. We can be mad at them or sad or worried. But we can't make their choices for them.
Llillyvalley123, you are trying to renovate the house for your mother. That was your decision. Apparently your sisters agree with that decision. Good. You can work together on implementing it. Your brothers appear to not agree with your decision. Expecting them to contribute to implementing a decision they don't agree with is not likely to be very successful.
Reasonable people with great intentions can disagree about what is best for an aging parent. Throw in some petty jealousies and lingering sibling rivalry and maybe not the best intentions all around and you are even more likely to have disagreements. Llillyvalley123 there is disagreement within your family about what would be best for Mother. Why do you assume that the sisters get to decide what is best and that then the brothers have to pitch in and make it happen? You are the ones who think Mother should live in a renovated house. If you can't convince your brothers (or other relatives or the neighbors or her church circle) that that is the best solution and that they should help you, then you can either change your mind or implement your decision on your own. But it is YOUR DECISION. It is not some cultural mandate imposed on you because you were born female.
I can relate and have experienced many of the same things people describe here, so I won't repeat. But, I did have an epiphany while observing my father and his comments and actions during the decline of my mother's health, and subsequent death. If you have a man in your family with this chauvinistic and self-centered mindset, keep this in mind...these men will be in the position to make life & death decisions concerning perhaps children, their spouse, their parents. If they are ignorant, reluctant or opposed to doing what they deem as women's duties now or for many years, it more than likely won't change when faced with having to care for and/or making serious decisions for the medical care of a loved one. Being compassionate and showing it is foreign to them. They can't change suddenly...they can't find this missing emotion when something unexpected happens to their mother, father or their wife.
My parents were married for over 60 years. Their relationship was one we would all dream about. However, when my mother's health started to decline it was met with anger, resentment and stubborness in not only caring for her but also taking on some chores that she had always done but was not capable of any longer. I believe it continued to build to where then when the important life & death decisions had to be made (no living will) he made decisions that were the easiest and best for him, not the best, or a chance, for her. Yes, I believe he was tired from the ordeal, but that's when the automatic pilot kicks in. His judgement was selfish and self-centered. I have no doubt that if the roles had been reversed, my mother was caring for him, her decisions would have been different, even opposite, than the ones he made for her. I shouldn't have been surprised, as his reaction and actions were consistent with what I had witnessed for decades concerning shunning what he believed were women's duties.
So, lillyvalley123 and others with similar circumstances, let the recent and past actions (or lack of action) of family members be a warning..what you see now is probably what you'll get later. Since they don't feel compelled to be helpful with your mother now...they more than likely won't be helpful in the future when things can get even harder. They have shown you their true colors. You and your sisters only, for your mother's sake, should make decisions for your mother.
I wish you and your family peace.
1. All will chip in and spend for their paid-caregiver or NH, etc...
2. The one who lives closest to parents will become responsible.
3. Most likely the one who is Single or with a job that is Not Important (like a construction worker, or salesperson...not with a Responsible Position.)
Ssansgal - having a sister instead of a brother will not and my not change your situation. I have 3 brothers and 4 sisters. Only just recently, my oldest sis is now helping me with our 2 bedridden parents. Even with that, she does not change pampers, clean trache, do much housework or cook dinner before she goes back home. I have just recently paid her $420.00 for July. Due to my increasing frustration with her, I'm re-thinking about how much to pay her (originally agreed to pay her only $80.00/month). Because I appreciated her babysitting parents while I work full-time, I give her what extra cash I have. Sigh..I will be redoing my budget for August...and will slowly cut back her "allowance" due to lousy performance. I will Not Criticize her in any way. She does NOT have to be here to help with parents. I will just explain that due to increase costs of parent's pampers, supplies, I can't pay her as much as before....
My brothers feel that she should be put away, and by me holding onto her and trying to take care of her and sacraficing my life for her is my fault and my problem....Therefore, I will do what I will do for as long and I can do it....and understand that my bros want no part and take no role.....really because they dont care....so let go of the feelings and make the best of what you can for your parent, because if it were not for them we would not be here.....just focus on your mom/dad....forget the others, or else it will eat you up inside....I KNOW!
While I'm not a proponent of living wills or a medical directive in general, this would be a response I would consider...IF the males have shown demeanor that many here have witnessed and explained...a lack of caring or participating or thinking it's not their job. Bottom line, (and what I was getting at previously) if you don't think you can trust a spouse, sibling, child, family member to make decisions for your care or you are not confident they would carry-out your wishes, or can/want to participate, then you shouldn't rely on them to do so. Based on indicators you can pick-up from people now, you can probably get a clue how they will act in the future. IMO this should be kept in mind when making decisions for your own future care and/or the care of other family members such as a spouse or parent.
Please don't misunderstand what I wrote before. I don't think all males have issues with caring for others. My previous comments were based on what lillyvalley123, the author of the original question and inquiry which started this topic, and others have pointed out about personal experiences with men who have a perception that caring for loved ones is not their thing or responsibility or is "women's work". They choose to not participate, for one reason or another. That scenario is what I was responding to.