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(me at 16 lying in bed)
😡 It’s only 11 o’clock. I could be at a party.

(me at 26 at a party)
😡 It’s already 11 o’clock. I could be at home, in bed.
(4)
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Marriage (noun)

A fancy way of saying I'll put up with you forever.
(5)
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Nobody told me that when you get married the ears are sold separately.
(5)
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The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only more expensive.
(4)
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Sometimes I delete my own posts
because I'm not the same person I was 4 minutes ago.
(4)
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🙂 "If you wanna see my fold, you gotta catch me at a laundromat."
(3)
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"Living well is the best revenge."

Alexa, what is the second-best revenge?
(5)
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🙂 "Looks like a great day to be a problem."
(4)
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Me: Am I lonely or bored??

Stomach: Let’s just eat until we figure it out.
(5)
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Who set up my mood on shuffle?
(2)
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Him: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast).
You came to the right person.
(5)
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That’s it.
I’ve used up my luck for the year!
🍀🍀🍀
(2)
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🤓 The brain is the most outstanding organ. It works 24/7, 365 from birth until you fall in love.


(bundle of joy currently experiencing this)
(5)
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hugggg
🙂🙂🌼🌼🙂🙂
(2)
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😉 I can’t afford to die; I’d lose too much money.
(1)
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🙄 “Some people are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.” 
(3)
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🙂 "When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."
(5)
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Success (noun)

When you can finally give your dog the backyard it deserves.
(2)
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🤔
I can’t tell if it’s killing me
or it’s making me stronger.
(3)
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They say…
curiosity killed the cat.

I say…
at least the cat died knowing.
(3)
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I don’t “fall asleep” -
I overthink myself into a coma.
(3)
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So…a burglar broke into my house…
I put the red dot on his chest and the cat did the rest…
(4)
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Went swimming today. Took a pee in the deep end.

Lifeguard noticed. Blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.
(4)
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Finally fixed that annoying noise in my car…
I opened the door and pushed him out.
(3)
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A police officer came to my house and asked me where I was between 5 & 6.
He seemed irritated when I answered: “Kindergarten”.
(4)
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Some people have no idea what they’re doing,

and a lot of them are really good at it.
(4)
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If a tree falls on your ex in the woods, and no one hears it - you should probably get rid of the chainsaw…just in case.
(4)
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I walk around like everything is OK…but deep down inside, I want to put up my Xmas tree.
(3)
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Pool rules:
You’re not allowed to do anything that begins with the words
“Hey everyone watch this!”
(3)
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Tonight...I'm drinking until I'm someone else's problem.
(2)
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