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🥰😉🌸🌸🌸😉🥰
Valentine’s Day:
the day flowers find out which house they’ll die in.
(3)
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stand-up comedian:

I remember a tough time for me. I was 10 years old. My parents were getting divorced. They told me I have to choose who I want to live with.

I said, “Dad! I want to live with dad!”

It was heart-breaking. My mother said, “Ok whatever you want.”

My dad just said, “I don’t want to get divorced anymore.”
(4)
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My wife was stung by a bee on her forehead. She is at the emergency room now. Her face is all bruised and swollen, she almost died. Luckily, I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
(8)
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😉
Can’t wait to receive nothing on Valentine’s Day.
(3)
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🥰
Valentine’s Day (noun)

Single’s Awareness Day
(3)
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A police officer asks a suspect his D.O.B.

Suspect: What's that?

Officer: Your birthday.

Suspect: May 5th.

Officer: What year?

Suspect: Every year dude!
(3)
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stand-up comedian:

I had a colonoscopy.

But my doctor described it to me as,
an all-day single camera shoot.
(2)
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List of things I was right about:

1.
(3)
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🥰
Of course your opinion matters!
Just not to me.
(4)
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Being a middle aged woman is just like being a teen aged boy
because you suddenly get acne
just as your moustache is coming in
(5)
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5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they're tenants.
(6)
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Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG thank you, what are they?
(5)
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🥰
Everyone is entitled
to my opinion.
(3)
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😉
People don’t want to hear your opinion.
They just want to hear their opinion coming out of your mouth.
(4)
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🙂
You are enough.
We don’t need more of you.
(3)
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😉
If you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with, “I shouldn’t be telling you this.”
(5)
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Friend: Wow! You got thinner! What’s your diet?

Me: Poverty.
(3)
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Friend: Do you keep your money in your bank or at home?

Me: In my memories.
(2)
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🙂🌸
I’m going to start letting people know what I’m thinking.

That should eliminate the weak.
(2)
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😉
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
(4)
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🤔
That one cup in your house that’s somehow better than all the other cups.
(3)
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Shortest horror story:
Monday
(1)
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stand-up comedian:

My neighbour told me that mediating for 40 minutes every morning has changed his life.

He’s late for work, he lost his job, his wife left him, huge changes.
(1)
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🙂🥰
It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
(2)
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🥰😉
A man finds love and is satisfied.
A woman finds love and insists on turning it into happiness.
(2)
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🥰😉
You need to have a life. Have fun.
Then ruin it by having a serious relationship.
(1)
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😉
The nicest thing about self-love is that it’s hardly ever unrequited.
(2)
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🙂
I'm not talking to myself. I'm having a parent-teacher conference with my inner child.
(2)
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🙂
I'm on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I'm gonna rip it off.
(2)
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🙂
I don't need an inspirational quote. I need a snack and a nap.
(4)
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