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😇🌸
I don't have time
for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
(2)
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🥰🙂
If you die and get cremated,
you can be put into an hourglass
and still be included in family game night.
(2)
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Your flexibility amazes me!
How did you get your foot in your mouth,
and your nose in my business,
all at the same time??
(3)
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😇🌸
Someone is out there holding their breath
waiting on you to fail.
Make sure they suffocate.
(2)
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🙂
The most satisfying adult sentence:
"Yeah, I'm not going to do that."
(3)
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😇🌸
After my funeral, I want one of my friends to take my phone
and text everyone: "Thanks for coming."
(3)
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🥰🙂
If you'll give me a minute...
I think I can make this worse.
(1)
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🥰🙂
Finally fixed that annoying noise in my car,
I just opened the door and pushed him out.
(2)
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🥰🙂
It turns out that when you’re asked who your favorite child is, you’re expected to pick from your own.
I know that now.
(2)
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The answer may not lie at the bottom of a bottle of wine.
But you should at least check.
(3)
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I dusted once.

It came back.

I’m not falling for that again.
(2)
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🥰🙂
Never blame
someone else for the road you’re on.
That’s your own asphalt.
(4)
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🥰🙂
If you can’t think of a word, say, “I forget the English word for it.”
That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
(2)
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I was drinking at a bar, so I took the bus home.

That may not seem like a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before.
(4)
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stand-up comedian:

I saw an interview last month with billionaire Warren Buffet. He said the way to get rich is to make money while you sleep.

So now every day at work, I…
(2)
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🤔
What if they’re not stars but,
holes poked into the top of the container so we can breathe?
(5)
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🌸🙂🌸
I finished 3 books today,
and believe it or not,
that’s a lot of coloring.
(8)
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🙂
Woman in a liquor store, pointing a gun at the shop clerk:

“Tell me I look too young to buy this wine, ask for my ID card, and nobody gets hurt.”
(3)
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Please hesitate to contact me.
(4)
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🙂🍀🍀🍀
Based on my calculations, I can retire about 5 years after I die.
(3)
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🙂🙂
Probably late for something.
(3)
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I just know I’ll die
trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
(4)
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I think I’ve seized the wrong day…
(4)
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🍳🍳🍳🍳🍳🍳
Never give up!
Fry and fry again!
🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂
(3)
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🤔
There should be a calorie refund for things that didn’t taste as good as you expected.
(6)
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🍚🍚🍚🍚🍚
I hope I’ll see you a-grain soon.
(4)
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…friEND
…best friEND
…girlfriEND
…boyfriEND
…food

only food has no end
🙂🙂🙂
(5)
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What do you call a dessert that knows more than you do?

A smart cookie!!
🥰🥰🍪🍪🥰🥰
(4)
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🥰🥰🥰
What great energy,
intelligence
and magnificent eyes…
But enough about me,
how are you doing?
(4)
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I got a cat for my husband---it was a fair trade.
(4)
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