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🥰🥰🥰
It’s 3 pm on a Friday afternoon.
Do you know where your margarita is?
(2)
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Stand-up comedian:

My grandmother turned 98! We had a party for her 98th birthday.

It was a search party.
(2)
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What doesn't kill you...

Will mutate, and try again another day.
(5)
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What doesn't kill you
will make you stronger
except bears
bears will kill you
(4)
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The fridge
is a perfect example
of what matters is on the inside.
(3)
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🥰🥰🥰
My heart has no room for you,
but the trunk of my car definitely does.
(4)
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😇😇😇
I wish more people were fluent in silence.
(3)
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stand-up comedian:

A tandem bike after 80 should be called a double suicide.
(4)
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Why couldn’t the roll of toilet paper cross the road??

It got stuck in the crack!

hope somebody gets a chuckle😅
(2)
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😉🎄
Santa Claus had the right idea.
Visit people only once a year.
(3)
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😉
Just burned 2,000 calories
trying to avoid someone I know at Walmart.
(3)
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☕️☕️☕️
I drink coffee
because punching people is frowned upon.
(3)
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☕️☕️☕️
Coffee because…
murder is wrong!
(2)
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🍪🍿🍭🍫🧁🥧
Keep your friends close
and your snacks even closer.
(2)
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🙂
If at first you don’t succeed,
find a snack.
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😇😇😇
I snack so my kitchen doesn’t get lonely between meals.
(2)
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Let’s stop pretending
we like eating salads.
(3)
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😇😇🤔🤔
So many bad choices
so little time.
(1)
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🙂
The answer you’re looking for is inside of you,
but it’s wrong.
(1)
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🌸🌸😉🌸🌸
Just when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
(2)
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⭐️😉⭐️😉⭐️
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
(1)
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⭐️🥰⭐️🥰⭐️
You can’t make somebody love you. You can only stalk them and hope for the best.
(1)
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The human body can survive 4 weeks without food and 4 days without water.
4 days without wifi and it’s game over.
(1)
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Avoiding My Responsibilities

An autobiography
(1)
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You seem to be very well educated on stuff that you made up.
(3)
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It takes me like 3 days to wake up in the morning.
(2)
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I hope that wherever my hair ties go, they’re happy. That’s all that matters.
(2)
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Comedian Robin Williams on a German talk show.

Interviewer: Mr. Williams, why do you think there’s not so much comedy in Germany?

Robin: Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?
(3)
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Suffering exists to make beer taste better.
(2)
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I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.
(4)
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