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A memory that made me smile: Oz is having serious heatwaves at present (43C here right now), and the news said that the hottest forecast was for Wilcannia 49C in western New South Wales. Wilcannia? That’s the back of beyond where we were so glad to find fuel on Christmas Day on a trip that went badly wrong. We said to the guy “how come you’re open on Christmas Day?” He said, deadpan, "the Mother in Law is visiting".
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🥰🎄🥰

The doctor told a patient:
“You have acute appendicitis.”

The patient replied:
“Is that better than an ugly one?”
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❤️🙂

"Sleep well,
middle finger,
you've got a big day ahead of you tomorrow."
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Lol, BOJ.
Why wait for tomorrow?
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At some point in your life
someone will tell you that you have
an unhealthy attachment to your cats.

It is very important that you sigh loudly,
and tell them to shut up.

Same goes with dogs.

Or even your spouse, Lol. Wait, I didn't mean to tell you to tell your spouse to shut up.

Did that even come out right?
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re-posting a joke i posted last year:

🙂
Woman in a liquor store is pointing a gun at the shop clerk (who is sweating and scared):

“Tell me I look too young to buy this wine, ask for my ID card, and nobody gets hurt.”
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Dogs on social media speaking:

"I have finally discovered what's wrong with my brain."

"What is it?"

"On the left side, there is nothing right."

"And on the right side, there is nothing left."
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I went to a faith healer last night. He was bloody awful — even the man in the wheelchair stood up and walked out!
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🙂🙂
I’m not sure how many problems I have
because math is one of them.
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I just saw a stand-up comedian (he’s 89).
🙂

He said:
”My new hearing aids are great!
…I can now hear the safe word!”
🙂
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Same male comedian:

”I have an inner child.
…But I don’t think it’s mine.”
🙂
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Healthcare costs are rising.
Do these home medical tests:
Just pee under a tree and wait a few minutes.

If ants gather = Diabetes
If the grass dries up = high blood pressure
If it smells like BBQ = high cholesterol
If you forget to pull up your pants = Alzheimers
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Need to tell you this.
Today, I saw 3 women, my age, jogging.

And that motivated me
to get up
and close the blinds.
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I hate to break it to you, but if women don’t lower their standards,
they are going to die alone.

In their beautifully decorated homes, with their best friends, plants, music.
Great support, delicious food, clean toilets, interesting books.

And no angry men.
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🤣🤣😅🤣!
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Dogs were having a discussion about never holding in your farts.

One dog said, yeah, that's because they travel up your spine and into your brain.

Second dog agreed, Yeah, that's where shitty ideas come from.




Apologies to the offended.
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Him: Relax. You stress way too much.
Her: Fully aware she needs to stress twice as much to make up for his total lack of concern
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Friend: I read you should do one thing every day that scares you
Me: (leaves the house) this is awful
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I miss just being sad about the state of the world and not catastrophically worried and horrified
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It's hard not to doom scroll when there's so much high quality doom demanding your attention
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You may be getting old if your idea of "getting lucky"
is finally finding your car in a parking lot.
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Fitness guru: it's important to listen to your body!
My body: you're old. and you want lasagna
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When I say I feel like Barbie that means
I'm stiff as a board and my joints are making clicking sounds
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The neighbors.
So many things I cannot say about the neighbors.
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An elderly man and woman get married and check into the honeymoon suite. Woman says “before we start anything I have to tell you I have acute angina.”
man replies, “Thank goodness because your boobs are pretty ugly.”

Then she said, “What do you know? You’re blind as a bat!”
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Why do babies’ disposable nappies have names like ‘pampers’ and ‘huggies’, while aged care disposable nappies are called ‘depends’. Perhaps it ‘depends’ on the will?
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