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😉
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
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🙂
Two clever people can never fall in love.

True love needs one idiot.
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🙂
I wouldn’t say you are stupid.
You truly are.
But I wouldn’t say it.
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🙂
I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
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Tell a man there are a billion stars in the sky, he'll believe you.

Tell him that the paint is wet, and he has to touch it.
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Stupidity is painful; only to others!
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🙂
It’s too bad that stupidity isn’t painful.
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🙂 stand-up comedian:

There’s a selfishness to human beings that I think we just all sort of have! Just built in there…

The fact that community service is a punishment in society…It’s a pretty good sign.

Right under prison, you get community service.

It’s like:
How badly did you f*** up that you have to help the community?
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So true.
IF my husband quits watching tv and actually does something,I would never bother him~
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🙂
Your wife won’t start an argument with you if you’re cleaning.
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I was ready to get married nine years before my wife was. It was only later I realized that she was using all those years to train me. And that’s why I know she will never leave me. She doesn’t have that kind of time to train somebody else.
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years—we were on the freeway at the time.
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🙂
One day, my wife’s credit card got stolen. What a relief! Because the thief spends less than my wife!
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🙂
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
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🙂
Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.
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🙂
You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time: Husband!
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🙂
I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.
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🙂 stand-up comedian:

Happy wife…happy life!
I wonder who came up with that one!

…I wish husband rhymed with life.
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A blonde opens a box of cheerios and yells, "Oh my gosh, they're donut seeds!"
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Two blondes walk into a building...you would think one of them would have seen it.
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Do you know where they store Dad jokes?


In a Dada bank.
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🙂 stand-up comedian, with a genuine, friendly smile:

Calm down. You’re doing great. You’re doing great.
I’m telling you, you’re doing great.

Life isn’t perfect. It never was. And it never will be.
We’ve all got stuff to deal with. You’re doing great.
So what, you’re fat. Who cares?

We’re all fat.
You’re either really fat, kind of fat, or trying not to be fat.
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Before kids: I'll never let my kids do...

After kids: Here, lick the rock, just please stop screaming.
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Remember my name.
You'll be screaming it later.
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My body was screaming for a cup of water,
but I gave it a mini donut instead,
because nobody tells me what to do.
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Everyone has a bad hair day.
The trick it to not have it on picture day.
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Tired of yelling to get your kid's attention? Try these:

--use the bathroom
--relax on the couch
--open a chocolate bar
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Thanks,
humidity.
I always wanted to look like a lion.
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It took me a while to get that one ITRR lol
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Did you hear about the Irishman that is impervious to bullets?

His name is Rick O'Shay.
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