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Copied from a friend's FB post:

The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot get the Coronavirus. Any dogs that had been held in quarantine have been released. (Wait for it....)

That's right, WHO let the dogs out.
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There was a joke, and I had to private message a friend it was so bad.
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Two men enter a bank, wearing masks.
Everyone gasps and raises their hands.
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Two bats are hanging upside on their tree.

One asks the other, "what do you fear most about old age?"

The other one says, "INCONTINENCE!"
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What's brown and sounds like a bell?
(scroll down....)





DUNG!!!
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My husband took the car in for it's Warrant of Fitness.

The mechanic said, "You've got a bald patch, your spare is oversized, and you're unbalanced."

And hubby said, "and what about the car?"

Hahahahahaa! Oh dear... ;-)
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You've probably heard of
Pinot Grigio
Pinot Noir
Pinot Blanc
But now there's a new wine that's been developed especially for older people who have a problem with making too many trips to the bathroom over night...
It's called Pinot More
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I was waiting in line at the convenience store this morning when two men came in wearing masks.
There was TOTAL PANIC!
Then they said "This is a robbery"
... and everyone calmed down.
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Seen on the front of a birthday card:
"Words cannot describe how wonderful you are!"

Inside:
"But numbers can. 3/10."
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I think this part of another post by DareDiffer is worth the Jokes site:-
‘Can remember my gran wanting her husband to come in from the garden. On being reminded he was dead she snapped back - “well I know that - he died on 4 January 1965 - but tell him to come in for his tea before it gets cold!”.’
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My hubs got a call to confirm or cancel his routine physical this month. Press 1 to 'confirm', or 3 to 'cancel'.

Not going anywhere near a medical facility, he pressed 3 to cancel.

I don't know if it is possible for a recorded voice to sound that happy and excited!
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I don't have to use my old tablet anymore so I'm back, just don't have any jokes for ya tonight. Hugs to all
lovcuz
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The only thing flat-earthers fear…
Is sphere itself.
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I'm giving up drinking for a month.
Oops sorry, bad punctuation.
I'm giving up. Drinking for a month.
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Warning for this week - starts with changing the clocks, moves to a full moon and ends with a Friday the 13th..... Good luck folks!
P.S. Don‘t forget to wash your hands!
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Two blondes walk into a bar. The bartender goes "Are you two sisters?"
One blonde replies: "No, we're not even Catholic."
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If you have Lyme Disease and get coronavirus, does that make it a Corona with Lyme?
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A guy is driving past a memory care facility when he suddenly gets a flat tire. He gets out his jack and unscrews the lug nuts but then accidentally kicks them down a rain gutter. "I lost all the nuts! Now what am I going to do?" he yells.
An old man sitting on the porch of the memory care facility says, "Why don't you take one lug nut from the other 3 wheels and use them?"
The driver does so and replaces the flat with his spare. "That was a good idea, mister," the driver says to the old man. "You're a pretty sharp guy. What are you doing in a place like this?"
The old man grimaces and says, "I'm demented, not stupid!"
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Did you know that Davey Crocket had three ears?

My DH is 4 years younger than me. I knew the answer, he didn’t, and we worked out that the whole Davey Crocket thing must have happened when he was just too young to get jokes.

The answer is….. the left ear, the right ear, and the wild front-ier.

DH laughed, so even kid’s jokes can stay funny for decades!
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I hate daylight savings time.
Spring forward, fall backwards.
What does that mean, anyway?

A lot of us are doing that anyway.
Falling, I mean.

Just this morning, I tripped going out to the car to find the correct time on my car clock. Thank goodness it is once again the correct time!
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People can use a corn cob, right?
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Here’s a cheerful aspect of corona virus. For whatever reason, a lot of people seem to have decided that they need to stock up on toilet paper in case they are stuck at home. There has now been a run of toilet paper, with supermarkets with empty shelves, people taking trolleys full to the carpark, even a couple of women having a fist fight in a shop in Sydney, with the police called and both of them charged with assault.

Taking advantage of this, our local radio station has set up a treasure hunt for the gold (wrapped) toilet roll, hidden somewhere in the small town location. The prize is a carton of ...toilet paper, so the winner can throw a party for all their friends and neighbours who are in need of relief!! Yeah for local initiative!!

(If anyone wants the secret to the toilet paper wars, it’s a high bulk low value item where the stores work on jis (just in time) frequent orders. If several people ‘stock up’, the shelves quickly empty – until the next morning. Re-timing the entire delivery system in just a few days is almost impossible. I remember this in the 1970s oil shortage in London, where I did actually have to cut a paper towel roll in half when we ran out! Best of luck to all of you, and let’s hope that relief is in sight.)
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People are bumping elbows to greet each other at some churches.

Stay away from me, please.

And, don't give out any more free donuts. (After you have handled them.) (Coughed on them). (Sneezed on them).

Ok, maybe just one donut, wrapped in a baggie. Is that a fly in there from the donut store? Lol.
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I hate nesting dolls. They are full of themselves.
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cwille,

Love the funeral joke! Funny!!!
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cwillie: That reminds me of my church (I haven't been in a while) because the pastor asks that we shake each other hands? HELLO? How wrong is that?! Many of the parishioners are in the elder population, too!
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Neil Diamond: Hands......
CDC: Yes, wash them for at least 20 seconds
Neil Diamond: Touching hands.....
CDC: No, please don’t touch hands!
Neil Diamond: Reaching out.....
CDC: Avoid that too
Neil Diamond: Touching me....
CDC: No! none of that!
Neil Diamond: TOUCHING YOU
CDC: We’re doomed

Neil Diamond: Sweet Caroline!
CDC: Oh hell
CDC: Ba Da Ba Ba!
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Talking with hubs this morning. I was amazed at his recall naming a place in Africa. So I set out to discover how he learns and remembers. He heard it. He also connected the name to a place he remembered, that was similar, heard in Lawrence of Arabia or Alladin, called "aquaba".

I expressed how glad I was that he was getting smarter, and sad that I was getting dumber.

He said, in a very rare moment of being funny:
"You are not getting dumber, just blonder".
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I heard this from a women who is a caregiver to a very difficult husband.


What do you do if your husband is staggering around the front yard babbling incoherently ?

Shoot him again.....
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At the funeral of an elderly Italian-American man, somber visitors passed by his coffin to pay their last respects. One woman, a weeping relative, said to the dead man as she passed, "Mario...when you get to heaven and you see my Luigi...tell him that I knew about his affair!". As another weeping female relative passed the coffin, she said to the dead man, "Mario...when you get to heaven and see my Tony...tell him that I found out about his gambling debts!" Yet another weeping female relative passed by and said, "Mario, when you get to heaven and see my Gaetano...tell him I knew about his drinking!". Finally, the dead man's Italian-American widow approached the coffin. She leaned over and looked at him and said, "Mario...when you get to heaven and you see Luigi, Tony and Gaetano...minda you own business-a!!!"
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