mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to maintain normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
1. b) On the floor, left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took until the '60s to catch on.
2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?
3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.
4. a) Blackjack Gum. (Who would chew gum called Craps?!)
5. b) Special makeup was applied followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.
6. a) 1946 Studebaker.
7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.
8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.
9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.
10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.
11. c) Cooties.
12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!
13. c) Macaroni.
14. c) Hiding under your desk, covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.
16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get "high."
17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.
18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.
19. a) The all male, all black group, The Inkspots.
20. a) Tony Bennett... and he sounds just as good today!
SCORING
17 - 20 correct: You are probably over 60 and maybe older, but obviously gifted with mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses.
12 - 16 correct: Not quite 60 yet, probably over 50, you remember a lot from your older brothers and sisters, but your mind is definitely muddy.
0 - 11 correct: You are a baby boomer and have no business taking this test!
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered ...the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath and complain about it.
Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted. To be continued... I have to go pee
1. Where did headlight dimmer switches used to be located?
a. On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor, left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn
2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle has holes in it. For what was it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt shaker
3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
c. Milkmen left deliveries outside doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.
4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
a. Blackjack
b. Gin
c. Craps
5. What method did women adapt to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II?
a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks
6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?
a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c. Tucker
7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
a. Strips of dried peanut butter
b. Chocolate-licorice bars
c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
8. How was Butch wax used?
a. To stiffen hair cut into a flattop so it stood up
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust
9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?
a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
c. Long pieces of string or twine
10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
a. Consider all the facts
b. Ask Mom
c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo
11. What was the worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex?
a. A cold
b. VD
c. Cooties
12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey?"
a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar
13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
a. Old Blue
b. Paint
c. Macaroni
14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
a. Part of the game of hide and seek
b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores
c. Hiding under your desk, covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill
15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
b. Princess Sacajewea
c. Princess Moonshadow
16. What did all really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?
a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you "high"
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window
c. Wrote another pupils name on the top, to avoid failure
17. Why did your mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?
a. To keep you out of mischief licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items
c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick on tattoos
18. "Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?"
a. Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition
19. What was the name of the group who made the song "Cabdriver" a hit?
a. The Ink Spots
b. The Supremes
c. The Esquires
20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
a. Tony Bennett
b. Xavior Cugat
c. George Gershwin
Answers to follow
Why are Baptists like cats?
ya know there up to something, ya just can catch em at it.
Why dont baptists have sex standing up?
cause someone might mistake it for dancing.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table and, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. All in all, one hell of a performance, Dad."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed.....
"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
GrannieAnnie, I am awarding you FIRST PRIZE for this! LOL!
Q: What does it take to become a Baptist?
A: A belief in Jesus and a 9x13 casserole dish!
I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt. I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.
Wow that's fantastic, I expect; and why not?
What do we learn from cows, buffalos, and elephants??
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads, and walking.
Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race and changes you forever. We call these people cops.
My daughter impatiently interrupted: "Yeah yeah yeah. I know I know."
Me: "You do? You know why she is your cousin once removed?"
Daughter: "She was removed from the family, then let back in."
Haha
Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to drink until the room spins.
Why don’t alcoholics become lawyers?
They can’t pass a bar.
A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barkeeper says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.
See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefore I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.
How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?
One...Ok, just one more...Maybe a third to be social...May as well make it a few more now, I've missed the last bus...
WANTED 1 HUSBAND.
Must not beat me.
Must not run around on me.
Must be good in bed.
A few days later the door bell rang, on opening it she saw a real silver fox sitting in a wheel chair. He said I have come about your ad.
Looking at him she said" but you have no legs, that's no use."
He replied "I know but then I cant run around on you!"
She then said "I also notice you have no arms".
"True", he said, "but on the plus side I cant beat you."
So she tried once more, "But are you good in bed?"
He sat back in his wheelchair & said "I RANG THE DOORBELL DIDN'T I."