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Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
(6)
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Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman.
"The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
(9)
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A priest was talking to a group of kids about "being good" and going to heaven.
At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven! Heaven!" Yelled Little Lisa.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the priest.
"Dead!" Yelled Little Johnny.
(10)
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Don't let anyone tell you fairy tales aren't real. Every morning I drink a potion made of magic beans and it brings me back to life.
(6)
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When I saw a bumper sticker that said
"I'm a vet, therefore I drive like an animal"
I suddenly realized how many proctologists there are on the roads.
(5)
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Mikkimball, you’ve just sent me a message containing all the put-down remarks that Salutem messaged me with before. Are you clairvoyant? Wow!
(8)
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An aging man lived alone in Ireland.
His only son was in Long Kesh Prison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply.
"For Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!
At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.
Confused the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
(11)
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The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
(10)
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In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
(9)
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I have a bumper sticker that says, "Honk if you think I'm sexy!", so I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself.
(10)
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Man says to his boss "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss says "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man says "Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity."
(8)
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Buzzy: Idkwhatmomwasdoingbecauseijustdontgetit.
(4)
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How do you know when a blonde used a computer?


There is white out on the screen!


How do you know when a blonde is used a computer after another blonde?


There is writing on the white out on the screen!
(6)
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Buzzy. . .Guess Mom wasn't joking.
(2)
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It took me a minute to get that one Buzzy
(haha)
(3)
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My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn
(7)
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A man walks into a Barber Shop and asks the Barber how long of a wait before I can get a haircut? Barber says 3 hours. Man leaves.

Next day the man comes back and asks the Barber how long until I can get a haircut? Barber says 2 hours. Man leaves.

Third day the man is back again and asks the Barber how long before I can get a hair cut? Barber says 1 hour. Man leaves.

A friend of the Barber was visiting the shop at the time so the Barber asks him for a favor and follow this guy to see where he goes.

In 10 minutes he returns and the Barber asks, well where did he go?

Friend says......Your house.
(11)
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what's the best treatment for people who can't shut the blank up?
'On and on and on Anon'
(3)
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Eight hours into his trial Paddy pleads guilty.
"Why didn't you plead guilty at the beginning and save the court's time?"
The judge demanded.
"Well," Paddy responded, "until I heard all the evidence I thought I was innocent."
(10)
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I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Something crazy and expensive that I don't really need!"

So I signed her up for radiation treatments.
(7)
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A blonde woman was cleaning her husband's rifle
when it went off and hit him.
She frantically called 911 and said
"OMG I've accidentally shot my husband, I think I've killed him!"
The dispatcher replied "ma'am calm down, first I want you to go and
make sure he's actually dead"
"Okay" she replied...
- BANG -
"I've done that, now what?"
(11)
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I posted a blonde joke on facebook accompanied by:
"for my blonde friends... an apology".
One of them responded.
"You don't have to apologise for having blonde friends."
(5)
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Some days I
eat salad and
go for a run
Other days I
eat cupcakes and
wear my baggiest sweat pants.
It's called balance.
(9)
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I think it's hilarious.
(2)
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I hope this does not offend anyone. I laughed when I read it.

Mr. & Mrs. Wong had a baby boy. The nurse bought out a white baby. The father looked confused. He said 2 Wongs don't make a white and they named him, Sum Ting Wong.
(16)
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 180 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
(15)
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Well that resolution went down the pan. lol I put on twenty pounds, now they all look skinnier.
(4)
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My New Year's resolution was to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
(8)
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Three old guys are sitting in the sun. ‘Sunny day today, isn’t it?’ says the first. ‘No it’s not, it’s Thursday’ says the second. ‘So am I’ says the third, ‘Let’s go and find a drink.’
(9)
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A martial arts skilled baby deer = Tae Kwon Doe.
(5)
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