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My partner has to be the worst cook.
Their specialty is indigestion.
(2)
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Ebenezer Scrooge was leaving a nightclub, stopped and put his hand into the concierge’s pocket.
“It was a good night. Here, this is for you to have a whisky with.”

When the concierge checked it, found two ice cubes.
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Eat salad, they say_ _It's healthy


You know what never gets recalled?


Cake!
I'm sticking with cake
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I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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Do you ever feel like your body's "check engine" light has been on and you're still driving it like "nah, it'll be fine"?
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Woman: My ex was from the land down under.

Friend: Australia?

Woman: No. Hell.
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You know that amazing feeling when you go to bed knowing your entire house is clean?


Ya, neither do I.
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I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone...then it dawned on me.
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My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
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Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone?
Did some else call to pay my bills, and if they did, why don't you let them?
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Frazzled: That was a good one!
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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
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Not a belly laugh like others but it made me smile.
Two friends of mine that live round the corner from us are 'into' their cats. I think the last count was four or five.

Going past their house I noticed a plaque on their wall (which tickled my sense of humour). It said:-

"This is the cats home but the staff live here as well."
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Another Saturday night in the house, and I just realized that even the trash goes out more than me.
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Oh, oh, I just learned two jokes about unemployed people.

...

On second thought, forget about it. None of them work.
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Cat life mice can foxes be wolves boring frogs but grasshopper let's swan love it cow anyhow.

Now read it again without the animals.
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My mother describing porn - "It's prawn." Well, okay then.
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Why do Retirees smile all the time?
Because they can't hear a word you're saying!






I'd say that includes me 50% of the time. lol
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In my opinion,this is a quote from a spouse. lol

I think I'm starting to have a problem with my vision,
ever since I got married I haven't seen any money through the entire house.
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An Easter Joke for sadists:
What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Answer: A hot cross bunny.
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Frazzeldmama, if a vegan loves the camera is it wrong to call them a ham?
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My wife loves me so much, she tries her best to attract me to her.
The other day she put on a perfume that smells like a computer.
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The young priest would talk to a congregation for the first time. Needless to say, he was nervous, and seek advice from an older man of God.
“Pray a lot, take deep breaths, don’t focus in one person alone and, if you feel you are losing their attention, use humor. For instance, I usually say ‘last night, I took another man’s wife in my arms.’ That makes everybody pay attention, I deliver the punchline ‘It was my beloved mother’ and I go on with the subject.”

The young one thanked him a lot, and went to do his call. Sure enough, soon no one was paying attention to his hesitant sermon, and he started:
“Last night, I took another man’s wife in my arms.”
Everyone looked at him shocked, and he went on
“It was Father John’s mother.”
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I hope I don't offend anyone. But you have been warn!

What is the best thing about having Alzheimer's?

You can hide your own Easter basket!!

Heard this when I was a kid!
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The speed of light is when you take out a bottle of beer out of the fridge before the light comes on.
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Is an argument between two vegans still called a beef?
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A woman just found a Black Hole 53 million light-years from Earth. Do you think you can hide from yours at the pub around the corner?
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Yesterday I saw my crazy neighbour talking to her cat and it was obvious she thought the cat understood her. I went home and told my dog... we laughed and laughed...
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My SIL bless her, took excellent care of my mother in her final years. I lived about 1500 miles from them. When Mom tripped over her knitting at 92 and broke her leg, home health came in and installed various devices to assist in her transfer from bed to wheelchair, from wc to toilet, wc to shower, very helpful people they were. Calling to check on everyone one evening I asked SIL how things were going, hows mom? Her response, right now she is practicing twerking on her new stripper pole. WTH? (Mom was very, very religious).
On another call to check on everyone, SIL reported giving mom an ice cream on a stick, mom saying I remember these, SIL being excited she remembered something asked what she remembered, "this is a pregnancy test". Lol, SIL spit her ice cream all over the living room, mom certainly didn't understand that!
Not very often, but once in a while, care giving has it's moments. Thanks mom, miss you.
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Response to kimber166, I had to laugh about married men living longer, I bought my husband a koozie that said, married men don't live longer, it just seems that way!

We tell people we have been married for 25 years, but it only feels like 25 minutes....under water!
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