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I work at a jail and we get a lot of sad cases:

An 80 year old woman was in court to answer for her 8th shoplifting arrest.
Judge: Mrs. S****, I've seen you here before! What are you doing back in my courtroom?
Woman: I'm here for shoplifting, your honor
Judge: Shoplifting, again? What did you take this time?
Woman: A can of peaches, your honor
Judge: A can of peaches? How many peaches were in that can?
Woman: 5, sir
Judge: Okay, I'm going to make an example of you today, Mrs. S. I'm sentencing you to 5 days for every peach that was in that can. You are going to jail for 5 days!
Her husband was in the courtroom watching the proceedings. He stood up and said, "Your honor, she stole a can of peas too!"
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Someone was complaining about caring being like Groundhog Day. Perhaps this is what we all need:

Quote from Sam Goldwyn of Metro Goldwyn Meyer - “What we want is a story that starts with an earthquake and works its way up to a climax”.
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No offence meant :)

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry Martinez.
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Sorry its a bit long $(*_*)$ (me with my ear rings on. lol


A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
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Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo, and so far they have only recaptured 116 of them?
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This may not be for everyone... you've been warned.

She got close and asked
"Jonny, dear, would you take off my blouse?"
He did it.
"Now, Jonny, take off my shoes."
He did it.
"Hmmmm, Jonny, take off my skirt."
He did so.
"Jonny, take off my stockings. Slowly Theeeere you go."
He did it.
"Now, Jonny, honey, take off my bra."
He did it.
"AND NEVER WEAR MY CLOTHES AGAIN, DO YOU HEAR, JONNY?"
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Why do they call it PMS?

Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
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A couple of quotes about capitalism:

From Dorothy Parker: “Why is it that no one ever sent me one perfect limousine? It’s always my luck to get one perfect rose.”

From Quentin Crisp: “Don’t try to keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level! It’s cheaper”.
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This is more of a truism than a joke, but it made me laugh because I know a lot of us, myself included, have been there:

"Don't blame a clown for acting like a clown. Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus."
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Susan's mother: "What are you doing on the top of that tree?"
Susan: "Some boys are playing football their ball is fallen on the tree.
They asked me to bring it."
Susan's mother: "My dear , they only want to chech your pants."
Susan: "Don't worry mam, I hav'nt put on my pants!"
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One of my favorites - I am blonde and have had to endure men telling me filthy blonde jokes (in my younger days). My comeback when I have had enough:

"Do you want to hear this blonde joke"
"Sure" - they think I'm playing ball now
"Why are blonde jokes so short"
"I dunno...."
"So MEN can understand them"

Badump pump!!
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I have a wonderful DH - he has a witty comeback when we are with other couples and bantering about women/men and their differences. Often women will quote the stats that married men live longer. My DH will respond "perhaps it just FEELS that way" - always good for a laugh.

He mentions marriage as a life sentence without parole.

I hope these don't offend anyone. We have been married 23 years and he is a keeper - a great DH.
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Never underestimate a woman's ability to make anything your fault.
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I saw a guy on his motorcycle and the back of his shirt said
"If you can read this the b*tch fell off."





Bit of a naughty one lol
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OK even I don't think these are all that funny. but I am trying!

A quote from John Barrymore: “The good die young. Why keep living if you’ve got to be good?”.

A novelist I’ve never heard of: “He decided to live forever, or die in the attempt”.

A quote from Quentin Crisp: “Life – a funny thing that happens on the way to the grave.”

So cheer up! It could be worse!
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People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. It's much easier to hit your target from outside on the lawn.
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Thank you all! I enjoyed the laugh!
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A lttle bit long but it tickled me :)



The little boy goes to his father and asks, so daddy how was I born?

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, and Googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 

Scroll down...You'll love this ....









YOU GOT MALE (boom boom)
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John is having a bad day. He tried to button his shirt and the button fell off. He picked up his briefcase and the handle fell off. He turned the doorknob and it fell off. Now he's afraid to pee.
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Buzzy Bee must be busy – I hope you are all right, bee dear. I’ll try some more quotes, witty if not all that funny:

A quote from Paul Erlich, scientist: “To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer”.

A quote from WC Fields: “If at first you don’t succeed, try try again. Then give up. No use being a complete fool”.

A quote from Ava Gardner: “Deep down, I’m pretty superficial”.

A quote from Aneurin Bevan, UK politician: “We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over”.

Baboom! And what's with a scientist splitting infinitives? No better things to split?
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It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.
He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date.
Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?"
"Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."
Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.


...

What do you mean I am banned for life?
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Frazzledmama, my doctor actually told me to do that with my dad when he couldn't remember anymore, he said it's a great stress reliever. Today I am an astronaut, tomorrow, maybe a glass blower. Yep, it could be fun.
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The police came by last night and told me
my dogs were chasing people on bikes.

I don't get it, my dogs don't even have bikes.
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I'm about to start telling people different stories about my life. That way, when they get together and gossip about me, they end up arguing.
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,
"Take only one. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, "Take all you want.
God is watching the apples."
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Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
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My mother's neighbor, who lived with and took care of her 102 year old father (just the 2 of them) - "Would you like a piece of my dad's birthday cake?" Me, my husband and I - "Yes." But then we got 3 SLIVERS of birthday cake piled up on one thin plate. Talk about difficult to get off the thin plate, never mind eat the thin sliver of cake! Much later I found a talking birthday cake slice at the Hallmark Store for my mother! No joke.
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Real story

Arrived to my parents' house yesterday for lunch. Just before eating, my mother:
Mother: I saved you a piece of cake, for desert.
An hour later
Mother: did you ate the cake?
Me: no, I had plenty to eat, don't want desert now.
She had dinner in bed, but asked me aftewards:
Mother: did you ate the cake?
Me: no, I am not in the mood for anything sweet right now.
breakfast:
Mother: did you ate the cake?
Me: nope, I forgot.
Mother: So I save the cake just for you and you don't blah, blah, blah.
half hour ago:
Me: there, mother, I ate the cake for the 5 o'clock snack.
Mother: did you ate the veggie loaf?
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Isthisrealyreal

I have soooooooooo much to give - lol FAT

And I know you meant MALE or female (May be admin will change it for you? Just tell them you had borrowed Buzzys 14 fingers, on a bad day)
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