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Hmmmmm........

What is it about a car that makes people think you can't see them picking their nose?

Why is it called "beauty sleep" when you wake up looking like a troll?

Why hasn't someone come up with a way to donate fat like you do blood?
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Okay, Make or Female?

FREEZER BAGS?
They are male, because they hold everything in and you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS?
They are female, because once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive devise if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TIRES?
Tires are male, they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS?
Male, because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under their arse.

SPONGES?
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

more to come...
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You wicked person! Sending that one straight to my kids, lol :)
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House do you spell mouse trap with three letters?

C-A-T
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OK I just had to post something so that nobody else sees that at the top of their news feed - (double ouch🤯)
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off



(My comment - Ouch)
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10/10 for political correctness, CoyoteBR :)

I always thought that was a Blonde joke!
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Car Mechanic for his apprentice:
"Check if the turn signal is working."
"It is... It isn't... It is... It isn't..."
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Isthisreal, loved the 3 things to think about. :)
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BB, I have to say that I think that is exactly what a person that would break up like that deserves.

LorenMGG, I snorted when I first heard that, so much truth.
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A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying,
“I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.
Please keep your photo and return the others.”
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@Isthisrealyreal...I love the latest... It's a definite share... thank you for the lighter side of something serious... and we breathe...
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Three things to think about:

1. COWS
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

Cows: is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost 3 years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 12 million illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

The Constitution: They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Irag. Why don't we just give them ours? It is written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

The Ten Commandments: The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse.... You can not post "Thou Shall Not Steal," Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians---it creates a hostile work environment.
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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect, your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentlemen replied., "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
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The location of your mailbox shows you how far from your house you can be in a robe...before you start looking like a mental patient.
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The experts say "listen to your body."

If I did, I'd live on toffee bars and port wine. My body's trying to turn me into a blob.
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She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!"
Everyone in the bar stops and stares.
Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations."
To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, "What do you mean $200 for a BJ?"
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Yesterday I asked hubby "Are you an old fart?" He replied, "No, I am a YOUNG fart!" Asked him again today, and he said, "Indeed."
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Redneck word of the day: Cedar

I know she ain't sick cause I cedar at the Walmart.
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A man went to the pet store and asked for 5 mice, 3 rats and 104 roaches.

"I can give you the mice, but not the rats or roaches, " said the store owner. "What do you want them for anyway?"

The man replies, "My landlady is evicting me and she told me I must leave the room exactly as I found it. "
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Q: What do you do with a sick chemist?
A: If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.
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One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.
The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.
"Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked.
"My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him," Johnny replied.
"That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbor.
"That's because he's inside your cat!"
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Thanks Buzzybee!
My hubs is obsessed with the Titanic.
When I shared your joke, he was speechless!
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Ouch! I pinched myself.
I just don't look good in green.
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When we were young we used to skinny dip, now we chunky dunk.
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The other night my kids and I were sitting in the living room
talking about Living Wills and I said to them:
"Listen, I never want to be dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle,
if that ever happens just pull the plug".
They got up, unplugged my computer and threw away my wine!

(The bastards!)
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The young woman who was working abroad called her family. The first thing she asked:
“Hello, little sister, how’s our pet cat?”
“The cat died.”
“What? How can you be so insensitive? It’s monstrous to tell me such new like that. You know how much I liked that cat. You should warn me little by little. You should have said ‘the cat climbed up the roof’, then, on my next call, you should say ‘we called the firefighters but he ran away’. On the next call, ‘He ended up falling and we took him to the vet’. Next ‘the vet is not optimist’, before telling me his fate. Learn to have some consideration, for pete's sake. Have empathy for your sister.”
“Right, sis, I got it.”
“Good. Now, how’s mom?”
“Well, mom climbed up the roof.”

XXXXXXXX

This joke is so famous it became an expression here in Brazil, meaning something very bad is bound to happen:
“It’s still the 20th of the month, but seems the company profit climbed up the roof.”
“I will take it to the mechanic, but I am sure my car engine climbed up the roof.”
"Your friend must realize her marriage climbed up the roof."
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Life is all about perspective.
The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
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I just found out I'm colorblind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

*******

I am not a schizophrenic and neither am I.
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How women's magazines mess with your mind:

page 14: you're beautiful the way you are

page 23: lose weight fast!

page 29: best ever chocolate cake recipe
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