I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
I'm just... easier to see.
So, three missionaries were caught by an isolated tribe, and the chief went to talk with then:
“I am really tired of you thinking only you are the civilized and looking down at us. I will make a deal. Each of you can ask for one thing. Anything. If we can’t provide it, you are free to go. Otherwise, we’ll skin you alive and make a canoe with your skin.”
The first one, a car enthusiast, went ahead:
“In that case, I want an Aston-Martin DBR1 from 1956.”
“The one that won the 1959 Le Mans race?” asked the chief.
“huh…” the missionary got a bit worried.
“The one they only made five of it?”
“Y-yeah.”
The chief turned to a warrior.
“Go get one DBR1. Wait. Do you want the black or green? Green is more traditional, right? Bring on the green.”
The famous car was the last thing the missionary saw before becoming a canoe.
The second one gulped but tried his luck.
“I want… hah! I want the Shroud of Turin! Hah!”
The chief turned to another warrior.
“Go to the sacred cloths closet and bring the Turin one.”
In a matter of minutes, it was presented and the skin of the second one was turned in a canoe.
The last one took a deep breath and said:
“I want a fork.”
The chief was surprised
“What? We produced one of the rarest cars in the world and a unique sacred treasure. How can you ask for a fork?”
“I want a fork.”
“Are you going to throw away your only chance? Lost your fighting spirit? Your hope?”
“I WANT A FORK!”
“Right, have it your way. Get him a fork.”
The missionary got the fork and started to stab himself all over
“F – your canoe!” stab! Stab! Stab! “F- your canoe!!” Stab, stab
How do you do that?
I carry my laptop outside and if it gets wet, I know it's raining!
Answer is not for the faint of heart continue at own risk
First, take the "S" out of the word "Safe" then you take the "F" out of the word "way"......
(There's no "F" -in-way)
I hope that wasn't too crude for anyone, this one was told to me by a proud 10 year old who heard it from friends at school... {facepalms}
1 -
Cookies never treat you like that.
Blonde: No! i know that if i dont touch you then I'll never die!
Death: Holy mollie! You figured out the key to living forever! You're soooo smart! High five!
Blonde: *high fives*
Death: Hahahahaha
International Breast Stroke Swim across the English Channel.
After about 8 hours, the brunette makes it across, followed shortly by the redhead.
No sign of the blonde.
After 12 hours they decide they'd better go look for her when she pretty much washes up on shore.
They rush over to her and wrap her in warm blankets and give her a hot drink.
After a few minutes, she is breathing easier and says, "I don't like to tattle, but I think those other ladies were using their arms!"
we may not get what we need.....
but may we NEVER get what we deserve.
That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I heard it once
It said, "Goodbye"
Richard Armour
Tip, tap, tip, tap,
who’s eating my lactose-free, vegan, gluten-free, bio, Fairtrade house? – Janice, 573, Evil Witch Keeping Up With the Times
always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
A wife send her husband an sms "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife:
"Well that did't work, the computer is completely kaput now".
Shakespeare: “brevity is the soul of wit”. Dorothy Parker: “brevity is the soul of lingerie”.
A quote from a totally correct novelist I’ve never heard of: “Progress would be wonderful, if only it would stop!”
A quote from Damon Runyon: “The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that’s the way to place the bet”.
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
A German Shepherd.
Funny thing is, the lady at my side in the 2+ hour bus trip spent the whole time texting and trying to shield her phone from me.
As if! As if I had any interest on that Carla that is dating the higher ups to get a promotion ahead of her, or if Prissy will finally break up with Max, leaving him free to Jane try her luck, nor if her father is spending all his retirement money at that Bingo Club.
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied,
"Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
The first bought her a huge house.
The second was not called Lloyd, but bought her a Mercedes-Benz.
The third remembered her faith and devotion, and how she was complaining about not being able to read the Bible no more. So, he bought a rare parrot, and hired monks to teach it to repeat Scripture. In the end, he spent more than the other two. We’re talking eight digits here.
After two months, they asked her what gift she liked the most.
“John. Do you think in my age I have energy to clean that house, or to manage all the workers needed to run it? Not to mention how expensive it is. No, I’d rather be on a simple room-and-bathroom studio.”
“Daisy. I can barely see, what do you think I would do with a car? It’s collecting dust and I still need a cab or lift to go around.”
“Mike, you’re the only one who really thought about me. That chicken was delicious.”