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Forgive me if I already posted this somewhere. Early in the disease hubby said, "My wife is smart but she's pretty ego-testicle."
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okay maybe this is political but I'm not, I just think it's funny.

Russian citizen during the days of the USSR: "We pretend to work and they pretend to pay us."
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I can’t ignore that most jokes are sexist, racist, classist or whatever ...ist. But here goes…
The blonde went to spend some days at her friends house. Showering the first day, she asked for some shampoo.
"It's there, the yellow bottle."
"No, I need another one."
"Why?"
"It's written 'for dry hair' and mine is already wet."
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And some middle-of-the-road political joke/ quotes:

Jean Colbert, Minister of Finances in France, said “The art of taxation is to pluck the goose to get the most feathers with the least hissing”.

From Mark Twain: “Dear reader, suppose you are an idiot; then suppose you are a member of Congress: but I repeat myself...”.

A quote from Calvin Coolidge (put together a la Singing in the Rain): “Nothing I never said ever harmed me”.
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Blonde 1 says to Blonde 2, sitting in the twilight next to the pool:
Which is closer, New York or the moon?
Blonde 2 says ‘duh.. you can see the moon!’.
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This joke comes with a warning. Its a bit rude.

Two canibals hunting in a wood.
They only manage to catch one man between them.
Man gets boiled up in the pot and they agree to share him.
First one started at the foot and when he got to the ankle he said to the other one,
"How you doing?"
Second one said,
"I'm having a ball"
First one said, "You're eating too fast!"
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A Grandpa and Grandma decided to renew their wedding vows. The preacher at the opening of the ceremony said, "Would you like to repeat your vows?" Grandpa said, "A..E..I..O..U."
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My cat was sick on the carpet today.
I guess she is not feline well?
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"To," "Two," and "Too" are three separate words. Its [sic] not stupid two [sic] use them incorrectly.
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My cow had her baby today!


She is now decalfinated!
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I hate it when people don't know the difference between "your" and "you're"....
there so stupid.
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Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: the glass is half empty
Mother: how many times I need to tell you to use a coaster??
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The blonde went to spend some days at her friends house. Showering the first day, she asked for some shampoo.
"It's there, the yellow bottle."
"No, I need another one."
"Why?"
"It's written 'for dry hair' and mine is already wet."


*crickets chirp*
Sheesh, tough croud
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Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
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One of my favorite memes:

"Auto-correct has become my worst enema."
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Another of my mother's jokes: Little Johnny was asked by his teacher to use the word "notwithstanding" in a sentence. After a moment's thought, he said, "Johnny wore out the seat of his pants, but notwithstanding."
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Okay, I'm going to subject you to one of my mother's favorite jokes. There was once a little girl who received two gifts for Christmas: a watch, and a bottle of perfume. She was very excited about both gifts and loved to listen to the watch ticking [yes, some of us do recall when watches ticked], and dabbing the perfume behind her ears...Well, the minister was invited to dinner and the little girl really wanted to show off her presents but her parents told her in no uncertain terms that she had better behave herself at the dinner table...so dinner progressed, and the little girl simply couldn't contain her excitement any longer, and blurted out "If you HEAR anything or SMELL anything, IT'S ME!"
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"I'm in the mood for love...
"Simply because you're near me...
"Funny, but..."

Say, you DO have a funny butt!
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Some of you may get a chuckle out of this one: My husband, who was an electrical engineer, used to say, "The best thing about engineering is that it's only 90% human relations."
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Actually, there are only TWO kinds of people in the world: those who think there are only two kinds of people in the world, and those who don't.
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The genuine road side signs around here often make me chuckle. Why not, when you see a sign that simply says ‘Rhubarb Pie’. But my favourite winter sign, outside a pub near us, says ‘Open Fire’. I always wonder whether to duck!
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I saw a sign that said "Watch for children" and I thought,
"That sounds like a fair trade".
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I'm at the age where I have to make a noise when I bend over.
It's the law.
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Dinner quips:

A quote from Woody Allen: The lion and the lamb shall lie down together. But the lamb won't sleep for long.

A quote from a novelist I’ve never heard of: “There are times when parenthood seems to be feeding the mouth that bites you”.
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Most females don't answer video calls after 9pm because their face has been restored to factory settings.
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Bad news is, I took the wrong medication...Good news is, I'm protected from heartworms & fleas for the next three months.
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Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible.
In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
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There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
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What do you call a cow with two legs?
LEAN BEEF.!
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I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
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