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Today I found my first grey pubic hair.
I got really excited, but not as much as the other people in the lift.
(5)
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R.I.P boiled water.
You will be mist.
(5)
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When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head.

The first one says: “You need to eat that chocolate.”

The other voice goes: “You heard. Eat the chocolate.”
(10)
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l love these!!!!
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About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard.
After that, he went down hill fast.
(7)
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"Lately, when I close my eyes, I see a bunch of white spots."
"Have you seen an Ophthalmologist?"
"No, just a bunch of white spots."
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When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell.
(1)
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I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
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Oh my stars & garters! You guys really hit the funny bone with the jokes today!!! A couple hit close to home. I have big eyes, elf ears & a loving chihuahua. Last week I put menthol pain cream on my face rather than hydrocortisone rash ointment: same red & white tube, not wearing my glasses, also on autopilot!!! Reading the jokes is always the highlight of my day. Thanks everyone!!!
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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just
passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's
house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died
her grandmother replied "He had a heart attack while
we were making love on Sunday morning".
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people
nearly 100 years old having sex had surely been asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing
our advancing age, we figured out the best time to do it
was when the church bell started to ring. It was just the right rhythm,
nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous". She paused and wiped a tear.
"He'd still be alive if that ice cream truck hadn't come along".
(15)
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My mother - "I'm trying to brush my teeth."
Me - "It would be a good idea if you removed the toothpaste cap."
(6)
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Tom and Anna are both 60 years old and have been married for 40 years.

One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says, “You’ve been married for so long and you’re so cute together, I’ll grant you a wish each.”

The woman is beside herself with joy and wishes for a trip to Thailand. Poof – she’s holding two tickets to Thailand and a five star hotel voucher for two.

The man says, “Wow, that’s one chance in a lifetime! I’m sorry, darling, but I wish I had a wife that’s 30 years younger than me.”

“Are you sure?” asks the fairy.

“Yes!” replies Tom without hesitation.

Poof once more – and he’s 90.
(6)
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I bought a Chihuahua for my wife.
Chihuahuas are amazing.
Despite the huge ears, bulging eyes and terrible breath, he’s very fond of her.
(6)
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Not really a joke, but my DH is still giggling. First thing in the morning I am on autopilot, and my hands work from habit. Yesterday I picked up the wrong plastic tube, and instead of lemon myrtle face cream, I anointed my face with toothpaste. I only realised when the texture seemed wrong. I was a nice shade of green, it was quite hard to get it off my face without getting it in my eyes, and DH was totally confused by weird looks and shrieks. Don’t try it yourself!
(5)
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What did one casket say to the other?

Is that you coffin over there?
(Coughin')

:)
(4)
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Love the jokes
(1)
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The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
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Optimist: The glass is half full.

Pessimist: The glass is half empty.

Mother: Why didn’t you use a coaster!
(11)
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The fact that there is a Highway to Hell
and only a Stairway to Heaven
says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers
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Oh, BuzzyBee, I do love your jokes!! Hope your reno is going smoothly or is finished and you are enjoying the benefits!
(0)
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I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper.
She told me that newspapers are old school.
She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
The fly didn’t stand a chance.



sorry about the last joke :(
(10)
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What´s the difference between a goodyear and a Flipping good year?
365 condoms.


(I changed the 'F' word, change it back in your head ) :)
(4)
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Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up* 
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?" 
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."
(8)
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When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
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JuliaRose - very funny skit.
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Saturday Night Live had a funny skit about a fictional Amazon Alexa for seniors called the Echo Silver. It has an “uh huh” feature for long rambling stories, it scans for items (the phone is in your right hand), and it repeats answers and reminds the senior of their original question. If the temperature is already 80 degrees, it will point this out and not turn the thermostat on even if the senior asks it to. I wish it existed!

https://www.cnet.com/news/snl-saturday-night-live-parody-ad-amazon-echo-for-old-people-senior-citizens/
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BB, I laughed out loud at that one.
You have the best clean jokes, thank you for sharing !
(2)
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What do you do with a sick chemist?
Well if you can't helium, and you can't curium, you might as well barium.
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Roxbob, ROFLMAO !! Love your Kermit the frog joke!!! Hubby is a drummer.
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Sometimes, I just wish to die peacefully on my sleep, like my uncle, and not screaming in horror, like the passengers of his bus.
(7)
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