Follow
Share
Read More
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
(13)
Report

My cousin, Paula, is caring for her 92-year-old father in Florida. She posted this during the recent hurricane and I just had to share...
"Dad was glued to the television today. This is the first time he’s seen a hurricane play by play on the television. It was very surreal to him, and I don’t think he completely understood. Having lived in California for so long, he couldn’t quite grasp the concept of hours and days of winds and pouring rain. As a result of the bad weather, we get the warnings across the television screen about tornadoes and wind gusts. Dad had to put his own spin on this because today was shower day...
Dad calls me out of the office and says, “There’s a severe alert.” I say, “What’s that?" He says, "There’s a warning about showers." I said “Yes, there are severe showers.” He says "No, there’s a risk of danger for people to take showers at this time." I looked at him and said “What?” Dad said, “Yes, there’s a risk of death for anyone to take a shower during a hurricane.” He said “If we can put this off for a day or so, you might be saving a life” I almost doubled over I was laughing so hard. He received a pardon until tomorrow for the best delivery of ‘funny’ of the day."
(6)
Report

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
(12)
Report

Imagine this joke told by an elderly lady with an Eastern European accent, which is who I heard it from:

A man went to the doctor for a check up. At the end of it the doctor presented the man with a large bill for his services. The man paid it, saying to himself, "That is OK, he must live."

The man went to see the pharmacist to fill the prescription the doctor had given him. The prescription was quite expensive. But the man paid it, thinking, "That is OK, he must live."

The man then went home, went upstairs and threw the prescription out the window, thinking to himself "_I_ must live!"
(2)
Report

I love the jokes, BuzzyBee!
(1)
Report

BuzzyBee,
In the title , "Enter at your own risk" covers it ALL!

You are doing a fine job lifting our spirits!

We all know that the mathematician was writing down how many prunes he would need to work his problem out. They always use #2 pencils on all their problems.

So you are ok! No judgment here. Lol.
(5)
Report

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear
(5)
Report

Keep them coming BuzzyBee, I like your jokes. I think I had heard the mathematician joke before, but it's still funny (and punny).
(2)
Report

Please excuse the last two jokes.

I will stop posting for a while and let someone else have a go. :)
(1)
Report

Firstly ignore the joke below about the mathematician (I am trying to get it removed - sorry)


Why do we consider chickens as friendly animals? 
-
Because they lay their eggs instead of throwing them.
(1)
Report

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked his problem out with a number two pencil.
(2)
Report

Ok, BuzzyBee, I laughed so hard I snorted at the dentist joke!!! I adore your sense of humor Keep 'em coming!
(1)
Report

My dad sent me to a psychiatrist for wearing his bra again.
(2)
Report

A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
(6)
Report

Nurse: "We need a stool sample and a urine sample."
Man to wife: "What did she say?"
Wife to husband: "They want your underwear."
(5)
Report

A man walked into a bar with asphalt on his arm and said
"Two beers please, and one for the road."

************

Milk is the fastest liquid on earth.
Its pasteurised before you know it.
(4)
Report

Sold the house and bought an RV. The kids can't move back home if they can't find it.
(9)
Report

So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out?
(6)
Report

The elevator to success is out of order.
You'll have to use the stairs... one step at a time.

**********

A dad is washing the car with his son.
After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"
(3)
Report

Turning vegan is a big missed steak.

********************

The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees" so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.
(6)
Report

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

*******************

Everything always ends well. If not – it's probably not the end.
(3)
Report

What happened to the frog that parked illegally?

It was toad!
(6)
Report

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

********************

A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes...
(4)
Report

Occasionally, a true friend gives his paw not his hand...

********************

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
(7)
Report

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house.
Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to.
But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
(5)
Report

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

***************

Ageing gracefully is like the nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse.
(1)
Report

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chap-stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

******************

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
(6)
Report

Smoking will kill you...
Bacon will kill you...
But,smoking bacon will cure it.
(6)
Report

Birdie birdie in the sky -
you put whitewash in my eye
I'm a big girl, I won't cry
but I'm sure glad that cows don't fly
(3)
Report

Don't be sad when a bird poops on your head.

Be happy that dogs can't fly.
(1)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter