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😉 Pay attention to me ignoring you.
(1)
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What do you call an angry 😠 carrot.

A steamed vegetable
(4)
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CAUTION
Be sure BRAIN is engaged before putting MOUTH in gear.
(2)
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🙂 To save time, let's just assume I'm never wrong.
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🙂 If I insert a quarter into your mouth, will it turn on your brain?
(1)
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Ya all know that saying " grow a pair" when people think you are being walked on.

Well I grew 4 pairs, I have 4 boys!!

Women are better than men, we can grow a pair. 😆
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Turns out I am not an afternoon person, either.
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My life is an open book, but it’s very poorly written and I die in the end.
(3)
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hahaha 🙂
(0)
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Bundle
I did NOT need to know that about the bday cake! I’m going to try to convince my inner wicked sugar addict that you were wrong … very wrong … to share that. SMH
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Turns out, you can just buy a bday cake anytime and eat it yourself. Nobody checks. 😋
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I don't want to brag or anything

but I'm way more inappropriate in real life.
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Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise.

Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me.
(4)
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🤯🤯🤯
There are THREE possibilities:

1. I’m getting less patient.
2. I’m getting more judgmental.
3. There are actually more idiots in the world.
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This is NOT what adulthood looked like in the brochure.
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🎄🎄🎄
The stages of Christmas shopping:

1. Plenty of time
2. Oh no
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I don't usually talk about my expensive trips,
but I just got back from the grocery store...
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Oh, cool.
(phrase)

I really don't care.
(1)
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How to politely tell someone they're stupid...

"Wisdom has been chasing you, but you've always been faster."
(1)
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I bet aliens ride past Earth and lock their doors.
(2)
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Due to personal reasons,
I'm evil now.
(2)
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Once I start smiling in an argument,
go ahead and call the police on me.
(3)
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🙂🙂 I've been watching my weight.

It's still there.
(4)
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I'm almost a millionaire.
I have all zeros
now I just need a one.
(4)
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When I said I was normal I might have exaggerated slightly.
(3)
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There are two ways to argue with a woman.
Neither one works.
(1)
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All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
(3)
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Remember when you could strangle people with your phone?

Those were the days…
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I’m sorry…My fault. I forgot you’re an idiot.
(1)
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No I didn’t say that you - were - stupid. I said you - are - stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
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