My mother will not bathe. It has been a year and a half since she has showered. She "supposedly" bathes at the sink, which she was doing at first. Now however, she does not, and we can tell because she smells. She wears a cath for urinating, and has trouble with number two. She had a failed back operation three years ago, and was able to walk behind a walker when she first came home (which is why we agreed to let her come home. We had her in Assisted Living for a year before that. Now that she has been home for a year, she is progressively getting worse by her own choice. First she refused to walk, and would only do a wheelchair, now she is refusing to get out of bed most of the time. She gets very irate when we mention any bathing at all. She has a visting nurse come once every three weeks to change her cath and take vitals. She refuses anything else. My sis and I do everything else. She also has COPD, and smoking was one of the reasons why she wanted to go home and stay out of any assisted living. She does not do anything she is told "for her own good," and continually makes bad choices that affect my sis and I (because we have to pick up the pieces then). She is sharp as a tack (only 77) and never gives an inch. We have talked to her many times about bathing-offered to pay for someone to come in and do it for her, but she refuses. I guess my question is: How do you help someone that refuses to take help at every turn? This goes for doctor vistis, bathing, exercising (which has been told to do and also refuses-we have had PT come there numerous times), etc. AND how can a mother feel OK about having her children see her waste away, but not do anything to help herself? Is it "tough love" time?
This is a hard one as you say your Mom is still with it mentally. My instinct, from what you posted, is to tell her if she makes bad choices she should , herself, have to pick up the pieces- not you or your sister. This may sound harsh but it sounds like right now she gets to do all the misbehaving and you get to face all the consequences.
Who buys her smokes? I bet I know the answer. You could use that as a way to get her to bathe. I am sure the best thing for her is to quit smoking but it sounds like that would be hard to do right now. I would concentrate on getting her to make some smaller positive changes first. Like bathing and some time out of the bed. If she is unwilling to bathe I would be unwilling to get her cigs or whatever she is asking you to get/do for her.
I would not neglect her basic needs, of course but the luxuries, the UN- necessary things,I would use them as bribes. And , as I said before, let her face her own consequences for some of her actions (if possible)
Hope this makes sense. Good luck. I know stubborn. My Mom is stubborn as is my girl. It can be exhausting!!
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Blessings!
But before you get too tough, try to figure out why she won't bathe. She might be afraid. Bathing requires a lot of balance and coordination. If she won't get out of bed, it seems unlikely she has enough muscle tone to hold herself up in the shower or to get in and out of a traditional tub. Does she have a bathing chair for the shower? That might help.
Also, I don't like to shower in a cold bathroom. Make sure hers is a comfortable temperature and that the hot water isn't too hot. Also, check the faucet handle(s). If she has trouble adjusting the temperature between too hot and too cold, she probably won't bathe. I can't argue with that--I once canceled a gym membership because of that exact problem in the locker room.
Others on the site recommend adding a bidet kit to her toilet to make it easier to clean the personal areas, which you say are a problem. Or add a flexible shower sprayer and a stack of towels.
((Hug))
shock - jock-ery..
My sister and I had to wait out the inevitable and wait until an ambulance had to be called for Mother. Then, the doctor would no longer allow her to return home, alone. Actually, Mother started cooperating then. I do suspect she had depression. She is in much better health now, 10 months later, at a nursing home.
I agree with Blannie. Self-neglect in a cognitively well person rings depression alarm bells like nothing else. Tricky, because if she won't listen to you about bathing and hygiene I have no idea how you're going to get her in front of a mental health professional.
Hmm. The bit about how she can let her children watch her wasting away and do nothing to help herself… Really, she does sound very blue indeed. Also she must have a lot of physical pain to deal with which is depressing in itself (yes, I know, if she did her PT it would improve; but it's starting the virtuous circle that's the hard bit. It HURTS, as in ouch my back)… Can you speak to her doctors yourself and explain the whole picture? I don't think you can solve this one within the family.
Do not - DO NOT - do tough love until you have ruled out clinical depression on properly qualified advice. You risk being incredibly cruel. Good luck, please update x
My father never would have bathed for me. Fortunately a nice, pretty Haitian lady in high heels came in to give him his bath. He was too amazed to protest.