The cow isn't the only one who lost its life.

littleedie, keep that sense of humor, you wear it well :)

Yesterday when I heard on the news that Americans are not living as long as previously and the reporters were rattling off the reasons why.... I noticed one really BIG reason had been overlooked.... BEING A CAREGIVER.

I had a lot of resentment with my late parents as they had 25+ years of a fun filled exciting retirement. What was my retirement after having a full time career? Watching them age into their 90's.

My parents saved big time for those rainy days, and now it was hailing out, with heavy winds, yet my parents refused caregivers and cleaning people to help them in their large home. My parents were in their 90's feeling like they were 70. And I was 70 feeling like I was 90. I tore up my bucket list, as I didn't even have the energy to enjoy anything on the list.

When my Dad moved to Independent Living and I saw how nice and cozy his large apartment was, I was ready to see if the facility had an apartment for me.

This is the first Christmas without both of my parents, and I will miss that. But I won't miss going into shear panic every time the phone rang.... or going to doctor appointment [counted 40 for one year].... or following the ambulance to the ER for yet another fall.

(((((((((hugs))))))) edie. You write well and have a great sense of humour. My BPD narcissist mother at 104 (just to discourage you) is well looked after by others in a facility. Even then I have my days... After a decline in mobility and more last fall, she has been holding steady all year and her doctor says she is amazing.

What can you do to give yourself some breaks? Narcissists are so hard to live with. I could not do it..

Join in some of the threads here - it helps to maintain your sanity.

littleedie, I understand totally. I think about those little pills and capsules I give so responsibly to my mother and know it is helping her live longer. It doesn't help her live better, just longer. I'm going on 7 years now and share your feeling of craziness. When it is over, if I am still alive myself, I don't know how I will put a life back together for myself. I know this is not right to switch one life to prolong another. It's nuts.

Thanks so much.
freqflyer, yes, the unmaintained house...we had to evacuate for Hurricane Matthew. I was dreaming of a big tree (no, make that two big trees!) falling on it, then being in a tornado's path to finish it off. When we got word it was unscathed, she's delighted, I could have wept...upside down inside out life again.
Sorry for loss this year. Sounds like you had a loving relationship.
Golden, 104? I need to go lie down for a minute. Whenever I hear those big numbers, I subtract 91, add that to 56, which comes out to approximately...my life is over. I also enjoy everyone telling me how amazing she is. Especially people who don't know her but think they do, and herself of course, she loves to tell me how great she is...in a fake accent followed by a fake laugh.
Jessie, I know, it's hard to imagine another life. I used to be really good at imagining how great it was going to be when my turn came. Then the cow died. When I came here, we thought she was dying. I think most people are fine with helping for a reasonable, natural amount of time, even sorta embrace the thought of being a part of the cycle of life. Then when it seems like it will yawn into eternity, well, here I am, hoping this stinky poo poo house will be swept away in a storm surge.

I can get out still. In some ways, it's a decent deal, except for the verbal abuse and filth. Actually, the community is nice, lots of recreation, nature. I try to think of it as an opportunity to enjoy a new place, get in shape. It's just so hard to adjust what I used to think a year ago (it's going to be my turn any day now!) to no.end.in.sight. Sometimes, I get in a good groove. But, nothing she loves more than to get her big, long, shiny pin out and burst your bubble.
Well, I get the house to myself for an hour tomorrow, so that's good. Won't have to run the gauntlet to get to the washing machine!

"Is there a profession left in this world that hasn't become a complete perversion? Doctors feel like they are causing suffering, cops are the bad guys, teachers are the ones who don't care enough about children."

Was rereading this. Certainly didn't mean to say that doctors, cops, teachers are the bad guys. Not at all. I meant that so much is expected of them that they have no control over, it's become absurd.

Understand your frustration, on my fifth year with 90 and 91 year old parents, I love them to death, but watching them 24/7 decline mobility and independence yet basically in good physical health except the dementia. It's frustrating really. You feel guilty for wanting your caregiving years over so you can actually get in the car and go somewhere, anywhere, without having to feel rushed to get home. If I have any years left after this is over I just want to drive wherever the hell I want!

When people said to my mom that she should live to be 100 she used to say "goodness, I hope not". Now at 97 she has made it her goal. She is double incontinent, needs to be spoon fed, is mostly deaf and blind, no longer can walk or even stand for more than a few seconds. Oh, and if you ask her what her name is she'll say "they didn't tell me yet".
We decided on palliative care over 3 years ago now but she just keeps on going, so it isn't because of any aggressive medical interventions. I get told she is doing so well because I take such good care of her, personally I wonder what kind of bad karma or curse we share.

Littleedie, this topic comes up a lot on this site. There was a popular thread for a while, someting to the effect of "Is it wrong to hope mom will die".

People are lasting waaaaaay beyond their due dates. My folks are mid 80s with all the elder problems and then some, but with all the meds and medical interventions they could last till 100. They drag through each day, taking their meds and being miserable but refusing anyone to come into their home to help. Except me of course.

I'm 62 and never dreamed I'd spend my retirement dealing with this stuff. My mom had my grandmother in her house for one week and shipped her butt right off to a nursing home.

It may not make you feel any better but just know there's a whole army of us out here doing this. And this is not a volunteer army. Most of us were conscripted. In my case, my sibs died on me and there is absolutely no one else for my folks. So I do my duty like a good soldier.

Well she is the smart one, because she has you all eating out of her hand. You know 30 percent of caregivers are killed off by the patient themselves. You'll be six feet under while she is cheerfully playing Bridge. Instead of suicide by mother, you could save your own life. Sneak out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Stan. Hop on the bus, Gus. Set yourself free.

When people hear how old my parents were when they passed [mid to late 90's] I always get "you have good genes".... I have to keep from falling on the floor laughing.

Yeah right, I feel lucky when I wake up the next morning, much less think about living another 20 years. I haven't been to any of my specialists in the past 2-3 years. Have gone for my annual senior wellness exam, yes I am still breathing.

Come to think of it, my cat has been to his Cardiologist and Ophthalmologist this year, but I haven't seen mine.

I feel as if I have written the comments above. All depressing. My Mom just turned 92. Best medical care, dementia, mean,nasty. People say that it is a blessing from God that she is still alive. I said "please don't blame this on God"...They looked at me in shock as if they did not see my frustration. Prayers to you littledie. So sorry. There is no solution. we are the only animals that take care of the lame. Mother birds push out their young if they sense that they will not survive so that the stronger birds can carry on the blood lines. Freqflyer, my own doctor appointments I have missed. So I know what you mean. Sigh....

Also not looking forward to Christmas or New Years. (Birthdays or anything else)

I sat in the closet regularly....to cry...to hide...and even to eat since she had some supersonic ability to know when i was about to put food in my mouth and wrachet up the angry demands. Its really hard to convince yourself that your not becoming a raving lunatic when your hiding in the closet under the shirts and trousers scarfing down cookies. Hang in there...and stash some cookies & a bottle of gin in there for next time!

Hi tiredl, when my Mother lived with us I would take a shower or bath at 2 or 3 in the morning because of her angry demands. (very good term mind you). Her dementia would send her into a rage when she knew I was taking a bath or shower. Would slam doors and run around the house saying that I was the devil. I would always get caught even when I would bath in these early morning hours anyway. It also would set her off when I would clean the bathtub or shower. Solution was to take less baths. When I would shower her, which I did only once a week because it took a week to recover after the ordeal. She would sit in the shower and yell that no one should be treated this way and that she was a human being. (Questionable in my mind). Someone said that people are not living that long anymore and that the reason was that that they are the ones who are caregivers. Understand that statement and believe
that they are correct. No mean know that it is a true statement.

My Mom is a sweetheart. Easy to get along with. Pleasant person.
Just wish she was still here. Instead, I have a person that cannot speak and gets very angry because I do not understand the garbled sounds. Instead, I have a person who is more like an 18 month old than an adult.

She is often far too exhausted to even stand up. More and more she cries because of her helpless condition.

I will take the whole matter into my own hands when my time comes....I will never put my kids in the position of having to feel that family duty requires this sort of sacrifice from them.

I'm fortunate that there is a fitness center in the community, and I still can get out. I'd never been big on showering away from home, but found that packing a suitcase of clothes and cosmetics, having someone else's hair wrapping around my toes in swill where I may be catching Athlete's Foot, undressed in front of strangers...is more relaxing than taking a shower at home with her down there counting the minutes of water usage and recording it in her Rainman Notebook of Grievances that will be recited to me the next time I dare run the gauntlet past her recliner to the washing machine.

Sometimes, she waits till I'm trapped at the stove, staring at me, then digs in. Like I'm a bug in a jar, waiting to have my wings pulled off.

Your comments are already making things better around here though. For both of us. I don't feel like I'm in a closed loop with her as much. The "good genes" thing, closet stash, supporting the lame...all so familiar.

A little off topic, but when the kids were in university they used to wear beach sandals or shoes in the shower, no athlete's foot or plantar warts that way :)

Thanks Willie. I've heard using a hair dryer helps with fungus, originally heard re diaper rash, so maybe we are on topic. Loved your comment re "the curse". We've been using that term for decades to describe the "family dynamics." Now, it's "once the curse is lifted". Terrible, dark, but the term just fits :)

Amazingly, things have been better this weekend, was sending away for the brochures last week and may not need them so soon after all, glad to feel the funk lifting a bit.

If you are concerned about any sort of fungus....rinse with a bit of apple cider vinegar. Seriously, best killer of bacteria, fungus, etc I've ever encountered. Get the unfiltered, unprocessed stuff.

My girlfriend with chickens showed me its many uses. She used to buy expensive additives to keep water clean for chickens, keep the perch clean. Then she learned about ACV. Sprays it on, wipe it on. Takes very little. Leaves no odor when dry.

The more I learn about its uses, the fewer chemical products I buy and use.

Vinegar really is the best. We're fortunate to have cleaners come one hour every other week and help with big chores. After the usual round of idiotic arguments about any kind of housekeeping improvement (ex: I sort laundry into the classic categories because only fusspots wouldn't put a pooped-on bathmat in with lingerie) I got her to agree to have them start using vinegar instead of those nasty "perfumed" chemicals that stink worse than the first stink and gave me a sore throat for two days. The cleaners were delighted too.

Ah the closet. For me it was that bathroom. Go to the bathroom and cry. The live-in nanny who lasted 9 months did the same.

Edie, you are young I make 104 - 9 +56 to be 69. That's 10 years younger than I am now and I have lived a couple of life times in the last 10 years. Had a sig other, we did some interesting things, traveled a bit, moved mother 4 times from one facility to another, survived the evac of our whole town due to a massive forest fire, broke up with sig other and am now ready for the next 10 years.

I cannot stand the nasty remarks. I leave. Now she is largely past that with vascular dementia but I still can't visit for often or for long - PTSD.

Do you really intend to do this for another 10 years? You thought she was near the end. I get the "How wonderful your mother is still alive!" and the good genes thing. I just look at them, speechless. Mother had her parents visit for a week a year and her bro and his wife looked after them the rest of the time while she traveled and lived a "normal" life.

Tell us about the sib relationship issues. Mine is a narc too. Surround the house with a moat, put crocodiles in it, up the drawbridge...'nuff said.

Why the sib thing has come to bother me so much? I can't really get my head around it, decide how much of it is just me. There's long-time step sibs too, one who she fawns over, the others not. When their father was on his deathbed, she only asked the one to come. Isn't that nice? The One was delighted, rather than thinking it was unkind to the others.

I know everyone believes we were treated very badly by them. Now, my bio sibs and the fawned over step and one other step can't just send cards that say I hope you have a wonderful day, but handwrite You're the Best Mommie in the whole wide world! and You deserve respect and so much more! Gifts, weekly phone calls. Did I get a call before one of them comes, What would you like to do? What do you think would be a good idea for the visit?

We used to have fun, be pals. One sib I used to be very close to, she's done the most around here, and does do things that support me...like sent me a minifridge for my serenity closet, so I wouldn't have to run the recliner gauntlet to get to the downstairs fridge (had to sneak it upstairs, narc mom would think having one is too dangerous and expensive. She loves to nag and worry about nothing, ignore genuine concerns). But then the sib just go lights out on me while I know she's writing long smoochie emails to the best mommie in the whole wide world. Wtf did I ever do to any of them?

Brother does nothing to help. Shocking, I know. But does do smoochie lovey mommie goo goo. But, would never entertain the thought of wiping poo up off the floor or even coming here in person.

Plus, when they go overboard with smoochie mommie lovey, it just makes it harder for me to live in the reality around here, like I'm just sullen because when she treats me badly, I don't smoochie lovey in response. We are making progress though. We went to the neighborhood Christmas dinner party tonight and she didn't attempt to humiliate me in front of everyone, not even once! Yah!

It's work to keep boundaries, get her to keep one foot in objective reality, keep her off my back. They don't live with the day to day.

Or something like that? I feel like going mute about it all is the best idea, right now. It would be like quicksand to broach the subject. I think it's still the adjustment phase, still trying to make my coping plan into habits. Plus, the holidays can make my thoughts go into a tailspin. And, the choose your battles thing.

I guess you can always tell who the newbies are on this site, writing tombs, all the backed-up venting to vent :)

Glad to hear you were able to have good times and are planning more! That's inspiring.

*tome :)

The theme of narc mums is "divide and conquer". They appoint a golden child(ren) and a servant child. The golden child(ren) provide them with what is called their "Narc Supply" of attention, praise etc, They often get financial goodies in return and are seen by narc mum as being the wanted extension of self, accomplished, beautiful etc. thus ending up with an exaggerated self of self if they fall for that. They are users as are all narcs.

I am pretty sure it is not you. You are the servant child expected to take all abuse and do all the work of caring for mum. The sibs are taking their cues from the golden child and your narc mum, so your needs are not to be considered. And because you are not joining in this toxic unhealthy game, you normal response to their behaviours is seen as you being at fault. Believe me, BTDT, and questioned myself until I realized what the game was, and that no matter what I did, it would never be enough or right, I would always be criticized, and that my needs meant nothing to them.

It is typical for narcs to hook you into their service with money or promises of money and future inheritance. They will ask you to leave your job and/or friends and/or family to come and look after them and make it look attractive and worth your while. Then, whammo, you are caught in the sticky web and the spider predator is approaching with glee. The promises come with many strings attached and things promised for the future can change very quickly. You are caught in the web and being drawn towards the center.

If you are having a lull now, I doubt it will continue. This is to lull you onto a false sense of security so you continue in your servitude. The leopard does not change its spots. Keep looking at brochures.

Boundaries - by all means establish and maintain boundaries. They are necessary. However, be aware of this: the effort required to maintain and even, at times, tighten the boundaries is humongous. I found I was frustrated and mentally/emotionally exhausted by working against the continual pressures that were eroding my boundaries. It was taking up too much of my available energy. I finally decided that my only other avenue was escape i.e. to decrease contact. This has allowed me to "have a life". A narc will suck the energy out of you, thus keeping you focused on them (they want to be the center of your universe, it makes them feel important) and preventing you from having a life of your own. If you can continue to fight this, you are younger than I, and have more energy, keep doing things for you. Learn to detach emotionally from your mother and your sibs (read about detaching with love, codependency and being proactive vs being reactive) maybe you can come out of this having grown and not being continually hurt. It is a very tall order. Past hurts surface and get reinforced by present ones.

I have ended up being a distant caregiver with POA medical and financial. Mother is in a facility where they understand her problems, look after her well and she is 5 hours drive away from me. I agreed to be POA as I would not want my worst enemy to be under the care of my narc/sociopath sis. It hasn't been easy even with the distance, but it is doable. Has my health suffered - yes. The latest stats are that 40% of care givers die before the person they care for. Think about it.You deserve a life. ((((((hugs)))))

Through a series of god choices and good fortune, I was able to retire on a full service retirement at age 46. My husband retired at the same time on a disability retirement. He started a second career with an airline and we fly free. Life was good. My children are at the perfect age to travel and we set off to see the country, visiting 32 states in two years.

Then mom moved in (cue the music) Ba Da Duuum.

Yes, I signed up for this. But, when I did she was in good enough shape that she could have traveled with us or be left home alone for weekends. My kids are old enough that they can stay home while I go out shopping or whatever I want to do..

Mom declined so fast that we cannot travel, we can't all go out together unless we make arrangements for someone to come in. She drives me so crazy that I took a part time and later full time job just to get away during the day.

So, here I sit, 1 3/4 years in. She's too frail for my family to have a life yet too strong to leave this world so that we can get our lives back.

When I hear about people over the age of 84 still active and able, I am jealous.

When I hear of people living into their 90s, I am afraid.

I feel like I have been cheated somehow.

I saw the SS stats the other day. 30% of people are living to 90 and about 3% are living to 100. My mother joined the 30% last month. If she joins the 3% I won't be one of the 50% that makes it to 80. I'll be lucky to make it to 70 if I don't make some changes.

Oh Gosh JessieBelle, My Mother just turned 92, dementia, mobile(especially when she is mad)chases you down the hall at great speed yelling " look at me I'm a cripple." Pushed my sick 6' husband down on the floor who is suffering from pancreatic cancer. And complains about everything. Nothing is good enough for her. The nasty she gets the more color and healthy she looks. I kid you not! But she has trouble pulling her pants up and is #1 incontinent. I do think that she will be one of the 3% that will live til 100 or greater. By that time I will be dead. All her relatives are dead except me and my 29 year old daughter. wits end so the above stats are very up setting.

Cher, save yourself and your daughter. Get away from her.

cher - my mother was the same. The nastier she got, the better she looked. She thrived on outbursts while the rest of us were wrung out and exhausted. I agree with Pam - get her away from you and your family or you get away from her. Mother was also uncommonly strong when she was in a rage. At 17 I was very fit and strong, and she had just had serious surgery, but she still wrestled me to the floor on one occasion. It is crazy.