Mom & Dad live on their own and have cognitive issues. Mom is 89 and diagnosed with dementia, possibly Alzheimer's though neurologist did not see telltale signs on MRI. She cannot remember day/time, etc. Also has leaky heart valve, osteoporosis and is depressed (undiagnosed but obvious). Sleeps much of day. Doesn't go out. Dad is 84 and has memory issues, paranoia and is incredibly stubborn and cheap. He recently was in hospital for 4 days after a fall. He was dehydrated and was not treating his HBP. (Hadnkt been to a dr in many, many years) Spent 2 weeks in rehab and then was sent home. Has some symptoms of dementia, but has stopped using his Exelon patch and not informed dr. He will not allow anyone in appartment so no health aide or nurse for himself or Mom. Currently has funds for such care or ALF, etc but refuses since most of his assets are "hidden" from HUD certification for their appartment. I go 1-2 per week to drop off groceries because he is less able to go shopping. He reimburses me for purchases but is now requesting that I stop getting certain basic items bec they are too expensive, so their diet is getting worse. He is unable to understand most of the medical/ insurance-related mail so I am always analyzing EOB's and making phone calls to clarify and correct. Mom does not take her heart and other meds unless I call and have her bring pillbox to phone, get water, etc. I refill the box once per week. Not always successful as she sometimes can't comprehend current day over the phone. She has missed a couple of recent dr apptmts because she can't get ready and doesn't want to go. Says she wishes she would go to sleep and not wake up. She and my Dad hate each other. It is a toxic relationship and he is quick to yell at her. No phys abuse as far as I know but emotional for sure. County APS has been no help. Case worker made one attempt to visit and was refused entry or course. He returned to office and asked me if they would let him if I were present. Dad refused and case worker said not much they can do. Have consulted 2x with Elder Law Attorney and she states eventually may have to aplly for guardianship, which she described as a long, very messy and very expensive process. My company is being acquired and I may be out of work by spring so I rather not incur that kind of expense now. I have no siblings so this is all on me.
My first thought is calling the police and having them removed to a safer environment. That would probably require some sort of court order. You might check with you county as far as free or low-cost legal assistance available in these situations. This really needs to get started immediately before the situation becomes worse for them both.
Are there any friends or relatives that your Dad trusts and would be willing to listen to? You are doing the best you can under current circumstances, Our parents sometimes make their own bad choices and WE are not responsble.
Best wishes to you!