Making decisions that are going to make your parent mad...
My mother has no short term memory. Her little patio home is paid off. She wants me to move in with her....i want to sell her home and invest the money...and us find a place to rent (for now) near my son and niece (i am near them now) so i have help when needed. My current home is not set up in a way she would need. I feel guilty about telling hwr no...guess its still the child in me. Im afraid if she eventually does agree to move, she will still be resentful and angry and sad about it. Does anyone else struggle with having to go against the parent, even though you know its necessary...or does it just become easier over time, or do you just shut down emotions in order to do it. Mom is 85, im 58, and she now lives about 20 miles away. I do her shopping, and take her to dr appts, do her checkbook, etc. I have POA so i can make the decisions but dread having to force things on her, even when i know i will have to in her best interest.
Also, there are many stories here where moving the parent in one's house or moving into their house does breed resentment, anger and sadness or depression because of the feeling of being trapped in their reality and illness all of the time without your own life which you really need to continue to take care of at 58.
Has your mother been evaluated recently for how competent she is to handle her business in a business like manner? If so, have you told her doctor your own observations in private because parents, like my mom did, will try their best to put on their best for the doctor. Depending on what her doctor says, your mother's Alzhiemer's may be at the point where she is beyond you taking care of her in her house or in an apartment that you move into together. I don't know, but listen to what the doctor tells you.
My dad's short term memory is gone and his doctor has declared him incompetent which activated the durable POA that my step-sister has. Neither of us like the idea of having to force change on him, but when it is in his best interest, we will just have to.
The way I looked at it with my mom and look at it with now with my dad. Our parents entrusted us with the authority and responsibility of POA for the very time of their life as this when they knew they would need help in dealing with things. We are at that point and it sounds like you very well may be. That is when you just do what you have been authorized and entrusted to do for their best care and safety.
With my mother it was not all that difficult because she broke her hip, went to a NH for rehab, but did not make any progress and thus stayed their until she died four years later from a stroke. It would have been totally impossible to take care of her at home although my step-dad (who is in a wheel chair thought he could along with his helper who was clueless) and I was not in any position to take her into my house or sell my house and move an hour to where she lived. She was 82 when she died and I was her durable and medical POA which my step-dad did not like at all.
My dad on the other hand is going to be tougher. He is 89 and his Alzhiemer's is advancing and he was recently diagnosed with Parkinson's. My step-sister is his durable and medical POA for she lives nearby and I am and 8 hour drive away. His wife died back in May which has hit him hard. Since then, he has had 24/7 care at home from three different caregivers paid for partly by his Long Term Care Policy and his own resources. He said before my step-mother died that once she died that he would move into an assisted living which they had already picked out. Now he's forgotten that he ever said that and does not want to leave his house. My step-sister, myself, and my wife believe that he is beyond assisted living and probably needs a memory care unit in a nursing home. We are looking at making this decision sometime this year. It will actually cost less to do this because we can then eliminate the cost of upkeep on the house and sell it to help pay for his care. This move would also reduce the stress on my step-sister who is coordinating the caregivers. I'm 58 and am on disability. My step-sister has taken early retirement which she was financially able to afford to do.
I wish you the very best as you seek what is the best for your mother's care and safety and what is best for your own well being financially, emotionally, socially, etc. Don't through yourself under the bus. There are options.
Assure her it is not for now, but for when the time comes when she needs it. Moving in together seldom works for the better.
I fee like I am beginning to start repeating what I said earlier, so I will stop.