Feeling defeated.

I don't know what CNA is but our visiting nurse group has social workers. Check this out and schedule a family meeting. The social worker will talk about long term plans and living arrangements. Go with a list of what needs to be done and what help you need. Offer a schedule for them to visit, shop, doctor appointments.. whatever they can help you with. I do not believe we are expected to give up our lives, health and personal happiness for someone else. I am in the same kind of situation. My siblings do visit and just sit! Fortunately we are able to hire companion care so I can get out of the house. My husband says nothing will change until Mother or I die....they just don't get it. Well they are getting ready to because husband has decided for my health it is time to retire and move to another smaller city. Good luck and God bless!

CNA means Certified Nursing Assistant. Basically they come in and make sure mama and daddy are clean in the morning and at night...and mama and daddy take meds and have eaten when I am not there to monitor them. They also help with laundry and house chores like cleaning the floors, vacuuming, and dusting. I am afraid I am past the sitting down and having plans about long term arrangements with my siblings. My oldest brother said I should just put them in the nursing home. I can't do that. They are happy at home. I'm just glad I have friends here who support me. I have a friend coming tomorrow to bring mama and daddy a meal. People do that around here a lot. It is nice to know there are other people around who know what we are going through. All we can do is pray and do the best we can do! Take care of yourself!

I am in the same boat, only my mom lives with me and has dementia, have been doing this now for six years, none of my siblings call or come to visit and do anything to help so i have banned them from my life, i no longer have any contact with them at all, also am going to be going through a divorce now, i am almost 53 so mom and I talked and we are going to try and get her medicaid and placed in a nursing home where i know she will get the care she needs as i don't know what will happen to me as i also have major depression and high axiety and am not able to hold a job, so I am hoping for alimony to at least be able to have a roof over my head and food and my medicines, many prayers and hugs for you

ejbunicorn: I think you made a good decision as for as banning the siblings. While my sister truly does live too far away from us and is in bad health herself, she still calls Mama, sends cards, writes, sends gifts to her, and for that I am grateful. She does all that she can. Obviously, your siblings are not cut from that cloth. Good ridance! Just guessing, good ridance concerning the hubby, too. As for your mom and nursing home, there comes a time when we cannot provide 24/7 care. That is what nursing homes are for. Also, no matter how much you love your mom, I suspect your depression and high anxiety will lesson when you don't have to carry the entire burden of another's life. Praying for peace and joy for you and for your mom. Only1of3

I am sorry about that. I am not actually caring for my parents, yet, but I do a lot for them and I am about 30 miles away and have another sibling that lives in the same town but doesn't do much of anything to help them out except to ask for help at her house from them. I understand your harboring some anger, me too. I have decided to look at it this way. I will continue to help my parents because of all the help and things they did for my family and me when they were able to get around better. I know I will never have to say, I wish I would have told them I loved them or showed them that I loved them because they already know and I do show it. My siblings are the ones who will need to go through the should of, would have or could have talks with themselves. You are doing awesome and God knows what you are doing for your parents. I hope your husband is supportive of it also. It is a lot to do with 3 little ones. Maybe call your siblings and let them know what all has been going on and that you need help with some things because you can't do it all by yourself. Are they still at home? Maybe consider an assisted living apartment or something like that where others help you to look after them. It may be time to talk to mom and dad about other living arrangements in a matter of fact way. My parents and I have talked about "downsizing" them to something else as they can't take care of the house like they used to or enjoy it if it doesn't look like they want it to. We take them with us every year on vacation and pay for the whole week, $2-3,000, my siblings seem to think that staying in a cabin for a week, groceries, gas, bait for fishing, etc. is not that much. My brother is very understanding and he and his wife do help out quite a bit too now. God Bless you. Keep talking to us on here and we can be your support team from afar.

I am in a similar situation with my mom - and two sisters (one who lives in another state) who rarely come to help and who respond to my "vents" (which I need on occasion) by telling me I should hire outside help (this is their way of telling me that I have brought this on myself and absolves them of doing anything). My mom is in relatively decent physical shape, though frail and very emotionally needy. A social visit from my nearby sister once a week, or an offer to stay overnight so I can leave town would be nice. I believe that the depression I have felt is due not only to my day-in-day-out exposure to my mom and her complaints, etc. but is also a result of my ongoing resentment toward my sisters. As depressed as I get from caring for my mom and feeling so trapped, I have the additional burden of anger and resentment. Most of us seem to have siblings who have disappointed us and I actually think that is at the root of much of our depression - not only the caregiving.

@janets, I totally agree with you on that. The depression I think gets worse when you add the frustration of the lack of respect and support from the family that should support you no matter what and especially when you are taking care of their mother too.

daddysgirl1: Good advice from caringdaughter2. And janets, I certainly understand about the resentment as I have other relatives who bring that out in me, lots of judgment, no help.

i don't know if you are looking for what i am about to say here but maybe it will help. in my experience, my siblings were crawling over each other desperate for any grain of attention from my parents. this caused alot of friction between the siblings. it was the baby of the family who was always stepping up to say that she will rescue the parents when they grow up. the baby said this because she wanted extra attention from the parents. so, when the siblings grow up, the older siblings realize that they will never get any attention from the parents and they go their own way. they also deduce that the baby can have the parents since the baby always expressed that she wanted that responsibility. in other words, the older siblings harbor alot of resentment and don't really want to do anything for the parents. also, since the baby often generated alot of superficial attention from the parents (because the parents eventually realize they are getting older and will need help in the end,) the older siblings don't really pity the baby at all. the baby gets stuck holding the ball. hope this helps. btw, the baby doesn't have to take care of the parents, even if they have expressed an interest in doing so multiple times in the past. all the siblings have probably expressed that interest at one time or another.

@tiqualil: i never thought of it that way! that is some great insight into family dynamics. i have two half-siblings and admit that i just informed them of the current situation w/ our mom. they are very supportive, but i know that other caregivers that have gone through similar situations usually do fall into this situation. i think it is a good idea to see if the other siblings have thoughts that they need to express. if not, a person might have to lovingly detach from them. just a thought. good luck, everyone!

Wow. I am in a similiar boat but won't go into it now. The siblings that don't come into the lives of our parents have no concious (sp) or they would be feeling guilty to some degree and assit their parents/family. Hence I would forget any family meetins with people whose behavior has already spoken volumes. It is tantamount (sort of) like saying let's sit down with al quaida (sp) and see if.........
If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck it likely IS a duck.

It is bad enough watching our loved ones decline and having to put forth alot of our time in caregiving which is exhausting but things are further complicated when their are sibling problems/issues. My sister was convinced I snuck into So Ca to steal money and she's sticking to it. She was sending cards but that stopped. No gifts, no "how is mom" no visits in 7 years. In fact she told me not to contact her anymore. She can dish out the blame and accusations but when the heat is on her she cant take it.

I know I will have no regrets when mom is gone except to say I wish I could have gotten her back home to So CA because that is where she wanted to be but no cooperation from sister.

My sister, and probably all of our siblings will have no regrets because they have already justified in their minds, their behavior. People that are not involved with their family cannot be turned around; they don't feel the guilt or regret that those of us who are with our parents do.its just not in their blood. Without a blood transfusion there generally is no hope.

Let them go which is extremely hard to do and I attribute the loss of my sister as the main source of my depression; also because it is so frustrating to have someone shut you out so there is no negoiating for the common good.

My sister falls under the double bind theory in psychology. I won't quote it but you can look it up. Here is an example. I made an appt with an attorney in So CA for my sister BIL and I to see to get moms POA and trust in order, never thinking my sister would never talk to me again. When I realized she wasn't going to talk anytime soon, I cancelled the appt and got moms paper work taken care of here in SF. By default I had to become POA since my sister wasn't talking and we couldn't work as a family to get this done.

Later, when I asked to help find mom a nursing home of AL in So CA sister said, you have all the power you figure it out. I can't explain it. Does anyone get this meaning does anyone understand what I am describing? I need someone to understand this twisted behavior as it is what drives me nuts literally.

Mom is in SF with me because she complained to me that her stomach hurt. I knew mom had a hernia and some wierd things had happened in So CA wherein my sister wasn't helping mom. I decided to go and visit which I did often. Told mom I was coming and she usually told my sister.

Mom's stomach was huge!!! She looked 5 or 6 months pregnant. I called my sister like I always did and she started screaming about my stealing money. I couldn't even tell her about mom's stomach...sister was yelling on the phone, i was crying and mom was crying and it was then i decided I was going to take mom with me to SF. We saw a surgeon and he said mom needs surgury now because if she doesn't he didn't think he would be able to put her intestines back in. Sister has never helped mom to get back to So CA. Mom has been with me for 7 years now.

tigualil, that was a very interesting take on the beginnings of sibling rivalry. i wonder if my mother's emotional/verbal abuse of myself and her coddling and extra love shown to my sister and brother was any attempt to separate us emotionally? if so, it didn't really work. my sister and i are very close. at one time we were all very close, (my brother has changed dramatically; i no longer have contact with him and my sister is pulling away from him). my mother today is still trying to play us against each other.

i am very glad that i went to so much effort to bond my own four children very tightly. i told them that friends will come and go, but your sisters and brothers are forever. then i taught them how to appreciate one another for the little things they did for, and said to each other. when i go onto my Facebook and see them talking to each other, lifting each other up through hard times, making plans to get together and driving several hundreds of miles to see each other, thanking each other for cards and gifts sent, i feel so wonderful!

daddy'sgirl, i am not sure that i have a real answer for you but i will try to help a little; harbored anger is a tough one to let go of, especially because you cannot expect the people you are angry with to change. we'd love them to change, we can hope for them to change, but we can't make them change. the only thing we can do is change our expectations of them, and how we deal our anger. the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to let go of the anger because it is probably eating you up. this is easier said than done, but still possible, and the release gives you peace.

instead of waiting for your siblings to ask how things are going, write an email to all of them now and again and tell them how things are going. also ask them how things are going in their lives. open up the lines of communication yourself.

you may ask, "why me? why do I have to be the one?". because they aren't, and there is the possibility that once everyone is speaking, you just may get the emotional support you are looking for. it's an emotional risk that just might pay off for you, and your family as well.

Im Aldo taking care of my mother who is suffering from dementia.....My brother lives 15 minutes away and he hardly ever visits with my mom....I have two sons and a husband who travel a lot for his job...I feel so alone~tired all the time...sometimes I feel like giving up but when that happens I think how my mother raised four children and she lost two of them...she is the strongest person I have ever met and if the rolls were revere she would take care of Mr..so hang in there....

I often ask "why me" as if I were the only one with a problematic sibling. Why wasn't i blessed with a loving, giving understanding family? I ask this alot. Then I read the posts and realize I am not alone but still....

Wow I understand how you feel.I have two brothers ,one which lives in my Dad house for free . He never helps in fact when I ask him for help when it got rough he told me to just put Dad in a nursing home..I thought that was cruel..God is good and I pray and get my help from God.. Praying things work out for you. But when it gets tiredsome send them to a respite so you can get a break, before it breaks you ..Peace and Love

My brothers hurt my feelings so bad I wont talk to them. One brother calls maybe every 2-3 mos . I have nothing to say to them. My feelings are hurt. But as long as I have breathe in my body I will make sure my Dad is cared for. I don't dislike my brothers ,I just don't have anything to say to them. We have nothing to talk about.

My mom lives with me and has Alzheimer's and diabetes and I too have children, including adopted special needs kids who I homeschool . I am a single mom with no siblings and some sorry relatives who do not help at all and I work from home as a writer. Forget getting gratitude from the sibs. What you need is friends (like you have here) to chat with.

Wow, I thought I was the only person who had a jackass for a sibling. It does not make me feel any better, but at least when I complain to my husband and he says it is what it is, which makes me want to scream, I know I am not nuts for being totally frustrated about the selfishness of my family. Like I said before, these siblings cannot face where they will be someday and choose to run and hide. Hugs to all

First I like to say, "Welcome Everyone." I have been caregiving my mom-n-law since last Sept and she has Alzheimer's disease, 80yrs old n a fire-cracker.

For those who are seeking resources to get respite care- which is to give the caregiver-you, a few hrs break from caregiving for your family member or members. This place has helped me find a local church that was pretty reasonable for the price. I get a few hrs to either go shopping, run errands, or just take a nap or whatever I like to do by myself or go to lunch with my hubby. That way I get a break from this 24/7 with mnl and she gets a break and she gets to do activities with other people n she actually enjoys it and that is what matters too. This agency can also help you with other resources like 'meals on wheels,' I think someone hear has mention they get that service. Or you can get someone to stay a few hr at your own place while u get a break. I cannot tell you how much that few little hour break has helped me and I know I am only touching the surface of AD for she is only in moderate stage. Those of you who r looking is shown below how to start. The Area Agency on Aging is free too.

On this same site under "CareGiver Support," then hover over it as a drop menue should come down. Next, hit the "Find Agencies on Aging." Last, hit your zipcode and it will let you know if their is an agency in your local area.

In addition, try to see if their is a local Alzheimer's in your area. They had put me on a waiting list and now I am on it and they help reimburse a certain amount $ of money that you pay out for respite care. Of course, that is if they have the funds.
Just go to Alz.org and type in your zipcode. Let them know you need help. They understand what us caregivers go through for a few of them have already walked our shoes.
As for non-helping siblings, sometimes u just have to let them know exactly what kind of help you need n if they come with excuses, I would personally just hang-up n say forget it! It not worth wasting my breathe nor my energy. No gain, no loss is the way I look at that situation and I am sorry for those who don't get any support for join the crowd.
Try to remember that humor goes a long way... I hope you all have a good night rest and vent online as needed for it helps. Welcome..: )

Most folks I talk to say "There's always one person that the caregiving falls to" as that was the experience in their family also. I do have a sister that helps me, but I have a sister and a brother who hardly call or inquire if there is anything they can do. My brother harbors bad feelings towards my dad. My mom has Alzheimer's and doesn't know us anymore, so my guess is, it's as if she's already dead and they don't feel any need to visit or talk to her. I tried the family meeting thing, and my brother was very disrespectful to my dad. He thinks they should just all go to a nursing home. I've worked in nursing homes and they do serve a purpose eventually, but because people feel no duty or obligation to care for their elderly family members, many end up there before they need to be, they run out of money, and rely on Medicaid for many years. (part of our healthcare problem). My siblings and I grew up watching my grandmother care for her two elderly sister in laws. It is what our family does for its own, at least that's what I thought. I too am trying to come to grips with my siblings' attitudes. It is what it is. Nevertheless, as a caregiver, if your health is suffering, emotional or physical, something will have to change. I agree to meet with a social worker who will be able to help you with problems and plan for the future.

Peoplepleaser, you make a great point about seeing a SW and that if or when caregiving is taking a toll on you emotiona, physical or health is suffering that something needs to be change. You are so right that it is usually one person that has to do all the caregiving.
Great, great advice.

I understand your feelings and frustrations....I am the youngest of two siblings and had to leave my job, my career, my home, lost my health insurance and all benefits, including future retirement, when my Mother had a near life ending accident last October. I am not married, and have no children, and it just seemed to be my responsibility to be the one to care for her...But then it was the same way when my Dad was sick over 16 years ago. Long story short I have never had a life and now do not expect it to ever happen. I love my brother but have some extreme feelings of bitterness and resentment. I am here 24/7 and rarely does anyone even call, for get the visits....My mother did not have part B Medicare and while she was previously in great shape financially, the accident has wiped out her finances, I have used all of my savings and retirement up and am still paying medical bills and being harassed by bill collectors. I understand there are support groups out there but I haven't found any yet. I love Mama and want to make her life as happy as possible for as long as I am able...but I feel very alone...and again...can fully Identify with feeling anger and bitterness over my predicament. I feel that my life is over.....

I'm the baby of the family so your theory is a sound one. I read somewhere that younger children tend to stay close to their parents even as they age. I don't think I got more attention though...not real attention anyway. I would say I got alot less. No lessons, no parties, and no guidance. Older siblings get alot of privileges and attention when they are young and there are fewer mouths to feed so the parents are able to give it. The baby comes along and seems to be stealing their parents attention away and so they grow up resenting the baby and seeing them as a competitor. The next oldest up from me is almost 5 years older, then 7 years, and then 9 years older. They have all made derrogatory comments about my never having to struggle in life while they have toiled themselves to the bone. I hear where they are coming from, but they shouldn't think they had it worse off than the baby because it just isn't true. All children have to struggle no matter where in the scheme of things they have landed.

I hear you daddy'sgirl. I'm where you are at right now. I just keep trying to look ahead to when my task will be done and how much better I will feel that I tried to do the right thing in spite of my siblings taking a crap on me whenever they get the chance. Three children? Shame on those siblings. I'm not sure they'll ever understand though. It just seems to be the nature of the beast. I'm sure for them it is just one more competition that you have won! That's how mine treat me, yet I don't hear any of them offering to take my mother in. Your children are learning a powerful lesson from you as they watch what you are doing. It is a wonderful lesson too. You should be proud.

My baby sister (6 years younger) did the bare minimums for my mom; she and her husband took advantage of my mom and her money alot, letting mom pay for lunches. When dad was alive they let mom and dad pay for dinners. My sister thought I had it easy and when I would express some minor incident she would say "welcome to our world' like they had it so tuff. Ugh. Mom and dad did so much for them and mom continued after dad died. even when sister knew something was wrong with mom's mind which she writes about extensively after the fact, but she never got mom to a doctor and mom was not uncooperative! Shame on her. Mom had acid reflux Went to four doctors for diagnosis. When I would ask mom what did the doctor say mom would say the doctor didn't find anything.
From 500 miles away i was putting 2 and 2 together and called the doctors. They all broke hippa laws thank goodness. Each one had told my mother that mom needed surgery but mom was already with AD so she wasn't comprehending this stuff. In short mom's stomach was in her chest. Sister thought mom was just a hypocondriac and the problem was due to coffee and donuts! OMG. My sister has abandoned my mother with AD entirely; hasn't talked to mom in 5 years. I as the eldest always took care of everything. I was a flight attendant so I flew to So CA all the time; had a partial life cuz I did do everything for my parents. Sister thinks her cooking dinner for mom and dad or having them over for the holidays was her big responsibility that was such a burden to her. More later.

suzmarie: Vent away about your sister. Seems often that only one child is born to each family to care for the elderly. The rest get to excuse themselves from the process until will reading time. Not an issue in my family. Mama lives off SS and me. I couldn't sell the sum of her belongings at a yard sale for $200.00. And my limited funds are now gone. Scared for my future? Oh, yeah. But, like I said, it appears things may change when Mama moves to independent living and pays her own bills, ALL of them. It will be the first time in 30plus years that she will not have money to gamble on or a way to get there. Of all hurtful things that she set in motion in her life, not being able to gamble is breaking her heart. Boo Hoo! But I am coming to realize that as angry as I am at her about a lot of things, the anger I feel towards myself for letting her play me all those years is the one that is doing me in. I have to get a grip on that. I can probably forgive her, but forgiving myself is a lot harder.

I think you're right about their being one child who can and will take the lionshare of the responsibility. I have had my older siblings criticize my caretaking quite frequently and they think they are right about their criticism, but they are not. Their idea of caring for our parents was putting them in a nursing home together and letting them finish our their lives there. That wasn't my parents idea though so my mother brought my dad to my home after my brother who was the healthcare surrogate at the time refused to support them coming to our home. The two older kids haven't lifted a finger to help out since.
Only1 I don't blame you a bit for being upset or suzmarie either. It's terrible when people who are supposed to love us treat us so callously. I think the whole independent living thing is great if your mom wants that. She may be someone who would enjoy the socialization part of it. You didn't do anything wrong either of you!

Somehow fogiveness for self is needed; how to do that I don't know. Dr. Phils recent show advertised a book about forgiveness. Forget the book forgive for good. if you are catholic you can go to confession and tell the priest all the things you want to be forgiven for. In the meantime keep writing. May peace hover over you soon.

all my prayers for forgiveness were for nought since i never really knew if i was praying for the strength to forgive them or for them to forgive me or for god to forgive me and/or them. we need to pray that they will forgive us. we already have the ability to forgive them. and god has already forgiven us. it is an uncontrollable element to get them to forgive us. and that is where all the frustration lies. how to get them to forgive us, for whatever we might have done.

I suppose the forgiveness thing all ties into the caregiver guilt. I was always expected to fix everything and, being human, of course I couldn't. God never really played into Mama's take on her own life, but she sure could use God/Jesus/Bible to guilt us into doing whatever she wanted US to do for HER. And if what she got wasn't really what she wanted after all, it was NEVER her fault, always ours. She brought three bright, outgoing, lovely children into the world and turned us into three self-destructive people pleasers, all for her own immediate gratifications. She taught us early on that if we couldn't do something out of love for someone, not to do it at all, and to smile, always smile. How could something that seemed so nice be such a curse? Sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice.Pretend, pretend, pretend. Ahhh, the power of the narcisist!