My grandmother just turned 82 and right before she turned 81, she began saying things that just weren't true. Eventually, in September of 2022 she got diagnosed with Dementia/Alzheimer's.
I had to sell my house and move because our septic system broke and I was pregnant. I have been living with my husband and new son at my in-laws while waiting for my new home to be ready. It's an ADU in my adopted dad's backyard. My (biological) grandma is currently living in my adopted dad's house and driving him crazy. He has been taking her to doctors appointments and doing his best to care for her, although he really has no obligation whatsoever to be doing so.
A little backstory on my family dynamics. My biological mom is an addict and my father died when I was 6, so I went into foster care as a kid briefly, but then was returned. I stayed with my biological mom until I was taken away again at 11. My grandma tried to cook, clean, work to pay bills, and raise me but my mother was very abusive to her as well which made it all very difficult on her. She eventually went to live in senior apartments and snuck me in to her place for 1.5 years because it was the safest place for me to go. When my mother had a public outburst is when I was found and had to go back to foster care (at 11 like previously mentioned). I went into foster care with the family that would eventually adopt me at 13. When I was 16, I asked if my biological grandmother could move in with me and my adopted parents because she couldn't afford to live on her own and was getting abused by my bio mom. They agreed and for a long time it was mutually beneficial as she helped care for my adopted mom who had physical ailments. In 2020 my adopted mom passed away and then in 2021 my grandma started to show signs of dementia.
My adopted dad survived cancer and lost his wife so he really deserves to not have to deal with my grandmother.
I feel like an awful grandchild, but I really just don't want to deal with her to put it simply. I grew up in a violent environment. I was abused horrendously, and I always dreamt of being happily married and a mother. I finally have that but now my grandmother's condition looms over me and almost robs me of joy. My adopted dad pressures me on where she's going/what to do with her, and I totally understand that. She is an immigrant and has no retirement saved up in the US. She gets $700 a month from social security in CA and has no assets, no home, no vehicle, and is on medi-cal and medicaid (no share of cost).
Her primary physician told me that the only way I can get her into a nursing home where the government or her health insurance would cover it is by taking her to the ER and saying we can't take care of her. It has also been told that in this scenario, she would have had to just been in some kind of unsafe predicament, such as wandering, to warrant the ER visit.
I don't have the money to pay for her assisted living myself, I am a stay at home mom to take care of my infant son, and the money my husband makes is just for our ends to meet. I find that working with her for too long (which is only 5+ minutes) brings out a lot of trauma in me and I feel incredibly emotionally unstable around her. I'm just coming to a loss on what to do. My adopted dad is getting sick of this burden, I don't want to burden my own family, and really feel that I have paid enough misery to my family during my lifetime. I also feel guilty because my grandmother did so much to help me growing up but she's just not the same person I grew up with. She accuses me of stealing her money, cheating on my husband, drinking, wandering the streets, being a bad mother, and so much more. I want to run for the hills but then my poor adopted father is just left with the mess. He wants to start traveling soon, so I need to start thinking of solutions because her care will fall to me and I can't handle that right now, nor am I willing to... as awful as that is. Please share thoughts.
I’m sorry for your losses. I’m so happy that you found a special person to love and now have your own child. Your husband and child are your first priority.
Your dad is kind to care for your grandmother and I agree that it isn’t his responsibility to do care for her.
It’s obvious that you have a big heart.
Assisted living facilities are expensive. I would follow the recommendation of her doctor and take her to the ER. You can visit her after she is placed.
This is a stressful and difficult situation for you. Once your grandmother is settled you will be able to find peace and resume your life with your family again. Try to focus on that.
Wishing you and your family all the best. You deserve it!
What your grandma is saying about you now is dementia, not her. Try not to take it personally. But this is not your problem right now, and your father has taken it on as his. It says a lot about him that he wants you to take over this burden at such a special and important time of your life.
You can't give her a safe environment because you can't give her the attention she needs. Let social services take care of her, visit and send cards, and be a good mom. You deserve that.
I would say he should call APS. Explain the situation and tell them that he cannot care for her physically or financially. Hopefully, they will remove her and the State will take over her care.