Ever have a flashback of something that was said years ago? Read my story below...
My daughter’s fourth grade teacher told the class that the all purpose cleaner, 409 was named that because it took the inventor 409 tries before he was able to market the product. It was her way of motivating her students never to give up trying.
This did motivate the children. She was a great teacher. She had been an engineer prior to teaching and was really strong at teaching math and science to the class.
She grew tired of engineering and decided to make a difference in children’s lives.
When my child relayed the story of the inventor of 409 I did feel it was a wonderful inspiration to others not to give up.
I don’t feel it applies to every situation, certainly not all caregiving situations. I think we hear these profound statements and try to mold it to fit everything. I put so much pressure on myself to ‘get it right.’ I desired to be like the inventor of 409. Surrendering meant failure to me.
Did any of you feel this way? I don’t see surrendering as a failure or weakness now. I see it as strength because sometimes it’s harder to let go than to hang on and it took strength for me to surrender and not feel like I was giving up.
I think that we do need to teach our children perseverance and honor commitments but equally as important to say it’s perfectly fine to change the course when needed.
For instance, when I taught school I had some of the New Orleans Saints football coach’s kids in my class and one child was not good at football. His mom said that it bothered her husband that he did not excel in football. His kid finally told him, “Dad, I don’t like playing football. I want to play baseball.” The kid did very well in baseball and his dad the football coach supported him in baseball.
Parents need to accept when their adult children do not want to be their caregivers and support that decision.
It isn’t possible for everyone to surrender their caregiving duties due to their individual circumstances. Some people do very well with caregiving at home and it is their prerogative to do so.
For those whom caregiving is totally disrupting their lives in a damaging way then it’s time to move forward for the good of all concerned. This isn’t selfish behavior. It’s necessary and loving behavior for ourselves and those that we are caring for.
Please don’t wait for the bottom to fall out like I did. Heed the warning signs. Trust me, it’s much easier and an easier transition for everyone involved.
As a former caregiver I would love to see people move forward in a positive way.
Yes, feelings of guilt happens because caregivers often feel so deeply for those they care for, even when relationships have issues. Guilt can cripple and in some cases paralyze us.
I strongly feel that if a person is struggling with guilt and it becomes a negative energy in their life they would benefit from therapy.
Some people confuse guilt with their conscience. I did. I had to convince myself that I wasn’t doing anything wrong.
Therapy has helped me gain a healthier perspective. We can learn to be an advocate for ourselves and tune out other’s opinions who truly don’t matter.
I often wonder how tragedy or past trauma can destroy some lives and shape others into the greatest success stories. Often these people who are tremendously blessed pay it forward, giving back in beautiful ways.
Please share your story or the story of someone else that you know.
I am glad that you didn’t allow her to move in. It’s so hard being a caregiver 24/7. I feel such relief now no longer having that responsibility.
Some people would proclaim that they could handle all that and I was a terrible child for not taking her in. Biti know deep in my heart that she would have destroyed my marriage, y relationship with my children and ultimately, me.
You are smart. Seriously, you were extremely intuitive to have handled your situation so wisely.
In my case, I was thrown into unusual circumstances because mom was instantly homeless due to Hurricane Katrina and I was caught off guard with no time to seriously think about repercussions of having a parent live in our home.
Yes! It changes everything. It truly does. Do it for as long as I did and I went over the edge. Thank God for this forum and my therapist!
As I said, I am very relieved not to be a primary caregiver any longer. I am so happy that you did not have to suffer through any of the related repercussions of direct hands on caregiving. Thank God that you were spared from all of that. It’s too much.
I respect everyone’s choices. I really do. All I am saying is that it is a huge undertaking to be a full time caregiver. With no help, we can burn out. I did. So, if I see anyone dodge that bullet, I am thrilled!
Good job, Joy! You intuitively knew what was best for you and your family. Your first priority was your family. Please keep spreading this important message to others. Certainly, it will help them but you will make me and others who have been in my shoes so grateful as well.
If I can see others avoiding the pain that I did because they hear from people like you, not to place themselves in a stressful situation then this forum has done a fine job of helping others to emulate you and make a wise decision.
In some way it's given me inner strength to say No and not feel guilty for saying no. Boundaries get crossed all the time from my elderly mother just so she can have piece of mind. I used to ignore it all, now I set a big boundary and it can not be crossed. Covid 19 actually helped me do this, I came back from my so called holiday (respite for me) I was sick 3/4 of the holiday, I had specific instructions for when I came home and had to self isolate. I had organised part time carer to drop of groceries etc at the door, so I knew mum had what she needed and so did i.
Mum was under no circumstances to enter my area. It worked well for 1.5wks until she got needy/lonely and started opening the door. 12 times later I cracked it and made her put surfboard against my door so she wasn't tempted to open it. After all I was staying in isolation so she wouldn't get sick. As it was I got tested and it was negative. But it was a eye opening experience. She wanted me to be well when it suited her, I at that point got very stubborn as I was still sick but it showed me a major insight into how her thinking is and probably has been my whole life. I continued isolation for another week. What I found when I came out of the room was a woman that seemed very confused and definitely highlighted her mild vascular dementia when I wasn't around. Within 2 days she was back to normal, (minimal signs of her dementia) all in all it was a weird unexpected experiment (due to being sick mind you) that ended up giving me insight and being firm with boundaries.
It changed how I set boundaries with her. Now going back to child hood, if I was sent to my room for doing something wrong, I never left room until told I could. These little things flash to shock us, flash to change our way of doing or handling a situation. The 409 story is a great one, unless it's a situation that is constantly making you unhappy....then it's a case of Insanity....doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result, which I think a lot of us carers try and then all of a sudden a flashback will happen and it will finally give u a different way to go. I may have gone a bit off point but found the situation interesting.
Yes, there are lessons to be learned throughout our lives. You make valid points. I agree with how you feel.