I am astonished that there are not more specialized doctors, nurses, treatment and care options available now. We didn't know she had Dementia (and that Dementia killed you) until 4 days before she passed.
I am not sure about you (and your beautiful story) but my mom's doctor simply did not show up for her. I am very angry about that.
For example: She was exhibiting Dementia signs and symptoms (obsessing, repetition, depression, stubbornness) but her doctor just passed it off/shrugged it off (regular signs of aging, and honestly, ageism). Isn't that why doctors are paid the big bucks? As folks age, they need to come in (and be encouraged by their doctor) to come in regularly for check-ups. My doctor does this for me and I'm in my 40s.
I cannot believe that my beautiful, angel of a mother was treated like this. Christ. She deserves SO much better, we all do. F&*%#@$$K doctors and medical system. Show up, go to work, and earn your money.
I can guarantee you that my doctor, a geriatrics specialist near my over-55 community, would not have missed or shrugged off your mother's symptoms. He is alert, oriented, and asks lots of questions. It is his passion to help elderly people.
Your mother didn't take responsibility for getting the care she needed as she grew older. Maybe she wasn't capable of it. Her doctor should have recommended specialized care for her, but how do you know he didn't? If he did and she didn't want to follow through, it's not all his fault.
You evidently knew the signs of dementia that she was exhibiting. What did you do about it? And why?
My condolences on the loss of your mom.
This sounds as though you are in the stage of grief where you are angry and want someone to blame. Some grief counseling might help. Don’t make things worse than they need to be.
WHO WAS THE POA?
How did the family not recognize these signs if there was family there?
How do you KNOW what the doctor said to her?
Unfortunately doctors cannot require us to get tested. It is most often patients and families who request it. A 10 minute checkup yearly doesn't tell a doctor everything. This is why there is POA and MPOA and concerned families reaching out to doctors.
You are correct that if a senior is ALONE in the mire of the medical system, many things will be missed.
May I ask how old your Mother was?
May I ask who was with her and checked on her in the family, and why no one reached out to ask the doctor to run tests because Mother seems to be descending into an unsafe condition.
May I ask what other medical conditions your mom suffered from?
What actually was the coroner's assessment of what killed your mother?
It is seldom listed as dementia, tho dementia will destroy the brain so that patients cannot swallow their own sputum nor eat nor speak nor know their own family.
Whether one knows that or not is quite a moot point, because other than the torture of a peg tube for tube feedings and allowing our loved ones to sit endlessly in a high-chair, there's little way to address it.
You sound very angry. Often, grief counselors tell us, we will choose to be angry or anxious rather than face grief, which is final, which recognizes that we all will die, and that someone we love has died now, and we must grieve.
I am very sorry for your loss. We cannot know the circumstances of this passing without your telling us, and you are free not to.
For me, an old retired RN, we intervene not too SELDOM, but too often. Sadly enough we would likely disagree. Making your mom go on because you are not ready to lose her isn't fair for your Mom.
Honor her with joy and love and good memories if you can. And feel as bad for yourself as you like, because this hurts. But try not to blame the entire medical system for the passing of your elder.
I wish you the very best.
My condolences on the loss of your dear mom.