A few details for background -- I left a teaching job to move in with my mother 4.5 years ago and have had to take over all of her care except for respite twice a week. She was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease Dementia about 2 years ago and in recent months has been sliding downhill fast. She has bouts of suspicion and paranoia and becomes fixated on money. Now she is convinced I am "spending all her money". For evidence of this she accuses me of using too much toilet paper ( I have to do her toileting and she is also incontinent). And she thinks I spend too much on groceries ( I tried to make her diet healthier with more fruits and vegetables and whole foods because of the Parkinson's.) She gets the statements each month and can see where the money goes and that we are living well within her means (on a modest government pension), but there is no reasoning with her when she gets like this. She has lost her ability to reason and have good judgement.
She gave me her credit card to pay for groceries, the pharmacy and household things but then started to demand it back. I also have POA which she gave me 7 years ago before the dementia was a factor. I told her I needed the card to pay for groceries, so she called the local police who came to the house to investigate. I called my aunt, her sister, to come and she told him the true situation. Mom can appear normal to strangers but they don't see the 24/7 hallucinations, delusions and paranoia. Anyway he was satisfied and helpfully, not!!!, told Mom she could cancel the credit card if she wanted.
The next day when I was out the respite worker helped Mom to cancel the card. I was grocery shopping at the time which they both knew. I asked the worker to call me if anything happened but she didn't. After getting groceries the card was declined at the checkout. I had to pay for the groceries myself, which I do sometimes anyway, as I can afford. But what are we going to do next week or after that for groceries or necessities? I can't afford to pay for everything on my own. I think the worker showed poor judgement at the very least.
It seems like you have two choices. Talk mom into reinstating the card or use her checking account for expenses. Take your POA to hr bank, explain the situation and see if there's any way you can access her accounts. In the future, don't discuss any bills or money with her. Just do what has to be done. Tell her anything she wants to hear to calm her down and change the subject. I don't thnk you're going to be able to reason with her at this point.
You might want to phrase your letter of complaint a little more diplomatically than that.
You sound as if you are wearily aware of what needs to be done now that your mother is rapidly losing capacity, so I won't go on. Just wish you the best of luck - and there are lots of people on the forum who know all the pitfalls to look out for, so come back with any questions and I'm sure they'll have good answers.
Since Mom no longer has a credit card, I would use tough love and only buy her things that she absolutely, positively need. If she complains she doesn't have this or that, remind her she cancelled her credit card.
My father still thinks that $50 a night for a motel is outrageous when he used to be able to get them for about $8 a night.
I would have suggested opening a separate credit account just for your mother, but with you as the only signatory. However, that wouldn't easily be explained if Medicaid is in the future.
Another option is to get a debit card for her checking account and use that. Still, whatever you do, keep the receipts and document the transactions.
I agree that the respite worker was out of line. My first thought was whether your mother provided access to any other financial documents. It wouldn't hurt to get all those together and keep them in a locked fireproof box.
Yes, this is how I handle my mother's money. She knows there is a charge account, but it is all online. She still sees her bank accounts, but if that ever got to be a problem, I would go paperless. All of her utilities are handled online, either through automatic charge or bank debit. Online services are a wonderful gift to caregivers. They save us so much work.
Pam, we have different rules here in Canada. We don't have to have records examined retroactively because we don't have Medicaid. We are covered by medicare and special seniors programs like a seniors drug plan and Continuing Care, another program that provides home support and respite to elders who can't pay, on a sliding scale based on income. If a person enters assisted living, they take the pension benefits but not other assets, like a house. Not sure about savings, but I don't think so.
We have no joint accounts. I pay household bills with telephone banking from her account, and use the one credit card for everything at stores ( or did). I have my own finances separate. I would love to do telephone banking but Mom is so distrustful and suspicious ( and always has been, just now cannot understand or use good judgement about what she sees) that she would explode if she didn't see the bills. I would dearly love to just handle them and keep her anxiety at bay, but she is still aware enough to try to insist on following every bill even though it causes her so much anxiety. And me-- from the fallout and accusations about every little thing. She has always been very tight and obsessive with money and yes, since she hasn't gone shopping for groceries in years she has no idea how much food costs, but thinks I shouldn't be buying "extras" even though food is one of her few comforts and she enjoys every bite. We also have family allergies to dairy and gluten and substitutes are pretty costly. I try to bake for special occasions but am too tired, with everything else, to do so every day.
Anyway, I have told Mom I will be buying more of the groceries and paying a few of the household bills when I get my pension in a few months, but as I said, she is not often open to reason these days. She was a little calmer yesterday after I showed her her financial statements. Though she couldn't understand them clearly she could see the numbers.For now I am keeping them close so she can see them whenever she likes. Somehow she had got it in her head that she was in imminent peril, dropping several zeroes from her savings and that we would have to sell the house for "spending money". Sigh.
I think this week I will try to talk her into letting me have cash for the groceries and will definitely start a book with records and all the receipts. I will get her to her doctor and see what can be done. Apparently she has asked them to send another credit card but who knows if she will let me have it.
This is not your fault. You are giving so much to her already. Paying for her is going beyond what is reasonable. I wouldn't do it.
Another thing you could do is say that now she will have to go shopping with you so she can pay them directly.
My parents gave me one of their credit cards a few years ago to keep on hand in case I needed to run to the pharmacy or grocery store for them, or to order something on line. It made life so much easier than me using my credit card and they repaying me by check or cash. Hope your Mom will reconsider later down the line.
GardenArtist, my Dad thinks Motel 8 is still $8.00 a night :)
I'm serious. She needs to be put in check.
I agree with JessieBelle, let the food get a little low. But you should absolutely not be paying for groceries out of your pocket.