Grossed out and need to vent—I just caught Mom using my toothbrush to comb her hair!

Mame, your last thought really hit home for me. I copied down the part about bending to it's will and riding it out without fear and anxiety and need to fix. This is really what I need to do. Sounds so good. I hope we can both do that. Such a simple and sane thought.

Beautiful Bobbie!
Austin-so happy for you!
Amazingly as I felt so hopeless (you nailed it Bobbie!) and called to have a Hospice evaluation...mom seems better! She walked all the way out to our living room last night to watch a movie with us! She hasn't been out here in prob 2 months! I don't know what to think! I do think I might be in for another "fooled ya!" Everyone else thought this was it too....we'll see.
She is not up yet today...I just never know from day to day how she will be... Roller coaster!!!!! Maybe some one of these days I will bend to it's will and ride it out without fear and anxiety and the need to "fix" it or "know" what will happen next and when... Wouldn't that be wonderful!
Thanks for letting me vent all! Mame

Happy Sunday Crew,

Austin sent me a hug and I want to share it with you all. It left me in tears.
Go to my wall and see it please.
Thank you June for your kind words and your example of happiness to come.

lovbob

did what with a tooth brush....?!ew...

mame thanks for your thoughts and prayers it does mean a lot to me...My situation is nut balls I swear. When I told my counselor at first appt. they had not forwarded my chart so I had to outline my life. She apologized three times...It is so not you fault my life sucks man i know you have to say it but...anyhow she was shocked at the crap I have gone through and now live with and I can understand when people say why can't you Just get the HELL out!? If I could I would have by now...but I can work on it...All I can do is work on it...
It is interesting (sad) revealing to hear your life spoken back to you in another person's view...I told bobbie that she said I had gotten my degree in Library technician and was on the cusp of getting out, a part time job etc. and grandma died and he came here and I was told basically to stay here and take care of him. I really do not recall being asked now that I think of it...It just started being what it is next day and here I am almost what 6 years later...This really is sad. but I guess if you are the one everyone dumps on and you don't know anything else. it really takes a shock, a shift, and long hard review, a tragedy or an outside opinion to see how miserable things have become.
She said i really seem to be trapped, between the abuse and mistreatment and my fears and habits of putting up with it since forever...Sounds about right. Only I can fix it, no one here gives a shit or would even admit there was a problem...Ah family, what a rip off...

it has crossed my mind bobbie but I don't believe in it, besides it might come back at me, send out more negative energy than i do already. I am truly a drag...but my God I see why...

See the news about local WW2 vet beaten to death here...Delbert Belton? yep. up the street and over... pathetic. nice man gets killed in a paring lot, fp just keeps on livin...I wish God would hurry up and "Find a place for him Up There..." As grandpa refers to it...

I don't know what happened to LoonyToons, I noticed the anon too.
Bobbie~My little city is surrounded with Almond growers. Not like it was when I was growing up but still a lot of produce growing in the Central Valley. My daughter lives a good 2 hours drive from the fire in Idaho near Sun Valley.
Lildeb~My niece and her husband are divorcing too. Her husband was sent to Iraq 3 times. PTSD and other issues. He won't get help because he is still in the military and is afraid if he gets help they will discharge him and he only has 5 years to go before retiring. A tough situation.
Meanwhile~Glad your vacation was restful. I can't wait for mine next month.
Juju~how is your mom? Hope you are getting through the construction.
Take care everyone, hope the weekend is restful.

Wow everybody!
OK. I am still here. Thanks for the love.

Was sick the last day and a half so that's why it's taken me so long to respond to the posts.
Apparently I can't eat 2 bowls of Raisin Bran, a beef and mixed vegetable Chinese combo lunch with pork fried rice, 3 handfuls of Honey Roasted Peanuts, a huge baked potato and a Dairy Queen chocolate milkshake in one day.
Had the Intestinal Turmoils.
TMI to be sure but hey, they're my Intestines.

Feel better today and am going out for Mexican...

It is so good to catch up with everybody's situation and thanks for the hugs you guys.

Deef!! so good to see from you. Thank you for writing about your time with your mom. I have to admit that it took me until today to read it because I knew that it would be a heartbreaker. You are very brave and loving and your experience benefits all of us. Thank you again.

Juju! how goes it with mom and the construction?

Austin! what is the news with your social life? Thanks for the kind words. They mean a lot to me and I truly appreciate it.

Kuli! Good posts and yes we try to keep it sane and sometimes it just gets away. Oh well. Doing our best.

SharynMarie! Love the Central Valley and all the good things that grow there. I am in the southeast right now and am still amazed at how many vegetables and fruits are here from California. Hope your daughter makes out ok with that fire near her house.

Jen! Thanks for the hug and I am so glad that you are making progress. What they have done to you is wrong wrong wrong and I hope it is over soon and you can get your life back. Wrong. Have you tried Voodoo? Kidding. Not.
Glad the cyst is gone and had to laugh about taping the bee inside your journal. At last! Someone who understands a journal!!

Mame! Thanks for the hug and I am happy you had a great time in Cape Cod. What a wonderful place. Of course I am going to say that because there are boats there!
I think that you are right on about Comfort Care.
You are experiencing the sadness of knowing that the end is in sight and that there is really nothing you can do to make it better even though this phase could last for months and months. It probably feels like a loss of hope.
This is what most of us as caregivers deal with because we know that we are literally loving someone to death. The grieving takes place before, during and after and all you can really do is let it wash over you and recede like the tides.
Writing out the feelings really works so keep on venting and know that you are not alone with those feelings.
You are a young woman Mame and if you give yourself a chance you will be able to recover what you miss about life. Love you sister.

lildeb! omg with your son and his wife! You gave good advice with the lay down and hold each other and breathe. I hope they listen to you. PTSD from military service says it all. Those poor soldiers and their families and what they deal with.

Cuz! Love ya cuz.

Meanwhile! How is Indio and the ranch? I know that we all love hearing your horse stories and views of life from the ranch. so cool.

LoonyToons! ya, impacted and then a brown toothbrush. Boy, that's hard to beat on the Gross-O-Meter. Popped it right into the red zone.

What's up with people going 'anonymous'? Just noticed that loonytunes was anon and of course we know of others in the past who have gone anon. No biggie, just thought I would ask.

OK, I know that I need to holler at everybody but we are running the dock again so have to scoot to change places with a sailboat and a catamaran while we are at slack tide.

Love you guys more than you know and I will continue to contribute to this thread and I hope that you guys do too. Thanks for all of the support you guys have given to me since the beginning.
thinkoftheboatthinkoftheboat.... it's real!

lovbob

Lildeb~The Rim Fire in California is a good 2 hour drive from us. We live in the flatlands, Central Valley so it won't effect us personally. Still a lot of destruction going on. Thank you for your concerns.

Sharyn, if it backfires so be it, at least u tried. I also heard n hopefully not near u that in California they were evaluating people due to that huge fire. Please be careful n I hope your daughter is out of the area of the that fire. Praying for rain both y'alls direction.
Meanwhile, thanks, it not until another wk but I am already ready. ; )
Mame, glad your enjoyed your little time off n sometimes it seems that sleep is the best break to get sometimes.
LoonyToons, Omg! I just don't understand the fascination of poo with people with Alzheimer for it just blows my mind. Glad your mom is okay.

Discovered Mom is impacted and I found a brown toothbrush on the sink counter. Girlfriend cannot handle (pardon the pun) this behavior. Helped the Doc in removal while girlfriend held her Mom. Strange moment. God bless Mom . Brave but, gross.

Bobbie you have been so important to this group-we look up to you and you have shown there is life at the end of cargiving and it can be a good life and we can help those going through the journey because we get it-most friends do not get it-my opionon is for the site to go on.

WOW! A lot going on here while I have been away from the thread! Yes! Please keep it going. I feel I know you all and would really miss my friends!!!
Wasn't keeping up as I was gone to Cape Cod for a week. It was a wonderful time away-and I tried to enjoy every minute away-even sleep!
Mom wasn't doing great when I left and still isn't. I have been trying to tell myself she isn't getting well because with my being gone, it was confusing who was here and when and the schedule was all goofed up. The sibs that helped did a great job-don't get me wrong! It was just too confusing for her. She and I just have a great schedule and she trusts me and "knows" me...even when she doesn't know me! You all understand I am sure. Anyway...she is not doing well. I am quite concerned but telling myself she always springs back...but maybe she won't this time. Juju-that post you did with the helpful things for caregivers spoke to me today as I got caught up on all I missed-"Fear, worry and anxiety seem to thrive on uncertainty. Learn as much as you can about a situation that concerns you. There may be good reasons to worry or be afraid. If they are, you need to get more information so you can manage your level of concern appropriately. Once you are fully informed, you may view the situation differently and find ways to make it better. Remind yourself that worrying is not productive and only causes you distress." I feel great distress about mom cause she is just not herself. We have Visiting Nurses coming in until Sept 8 and the PT already is closing his services cause he feels she has hit a plateau. They cannot do maintenance! She was doing so well, and then got a cold/bronchitis or something and went downhill again. I would think with these circumstances happening after the initial eval of her dehydration and hospital stay that they could keep services going but I guess not. Anyway, I am thinking seriously about getting hospice in here-not cause I think it is the end but because they can do "Comfort Care" and that may really be what we need right now. Some sibs-who did not help at all while I was gone have made their feelings known by saying that this level of care sounds like she needs a Nursing Home. So, I guess that is their way of saying they cannot help-it is too much for them. My sis thinks if she was in a NH that they may come and visit more cause there, they would know they wouldn't need to do anything...where here-if I leave the room they may need to help her on the potty! My husband flipped when I told him what my sis said cause, as he reminded me-certain sibs never came to visit when she was healthier!
I am having a really hard time. Uncertainty. And no way of really knowing if this is just another step in the process or if she is dying. No one really knows. I am not even 50 and I feel so old and so tired. My son's football season is starting and that will mean Saturdays away from home-but all I can think about is who will care for her? I am sure the 2 sibs that help the most will continue-but I feel like they are tiring of it too. My sis said that when we got home from Cape Cod she was so excited, and relieved that the week was over. And she had help from a couple other sibs! She then felt sooooo guilty for feeling so free. And she can't imagine how I do this day in and day out.
Always when I have some free time-it makes caring for her a little worse when I get back cause I see how isolating it is and how not free I am to day anything! WTF? It was a great vacation and I am so happy to have been able to go. But all I want to do is cry now. Good God. UGH!
Deef-I could feel what you went through as I read about your mom's last day. You are so strong and able and you proved it that day for sure! I can't believe your sibs...wait-yes I can...I am soooo sorry on so many levels. Please take care of yourself and get some rest.
Cat-Love you and wish you the best always. You are going thru so much and don't need any negativity. Positive thoughts and that white light you are always giving to us right back at ya!
Sharyn-I think your sister needs counseling. I know some ppl are not into that but it sounds like she would benefit from it. You are a kind sister to try and help out with the feelings she is having. I hope she can get it straightened out one way or another.
Meanwhile-of course he ate the cat poop! UGH! And for whoever asked why? It is because cat food has more fat in it...and it comes out in the poop and dogs love that fat! Yummy!
Cuz-love the Jim! I would like to say that I go there every morning (gym!) but by the size of me they would know I was lying!!!
Jen-my heart aches for you woman! I was telling my sister that I
sometimes pray for mom's death-and then I think of your situation. (I have told my sis about many of you on the thread) I would rather fart pants be taken from your lives as I have it easy with my mom in comparison. And she is not evil. So, in a logical world, God would take him first. Just cause mom doesn't have much memory left and is sickly doesn't seem like as good a reason to take her as taking fart pants. This isn't coming out right-and the world is not fair. So, just know I pray for your situation...and you and hope all will be well for you.
Capn Bobbie! Your words of wisdom have helped me soooo much...please don't give up this ship!
Kuli, Flex, Austin, Linda, Lildeb and everyone else out there! Keep on keepin on folks! Mame

No plane, but it's early yet....Jen

Jen~Wow, sorry about your cousins daughter. I hope you are not having too pain with removal of cyst. I chuckled at your post about the plane falling on the house, a little humor is a good thing.

Lildeb~I live in California, the main fire we have now is the Rim fire near Yosemite. My daughter lives in Idaho about 2 hours drive from the monster fire you are talking about. I talked with her the other day, they are fine where they live. Your vacation is long overdue! I must agree, planting the seeds in my sister's mind is probably better, I thought about that after I posted and with mom, it could easily backfire.

Meanwhile~LOl!! Yes, I would refer to my mom as Cruella Deville when I first started posting on this site. Now that the Alz has taken over a lot of her personality disorder, at least with her interactions with me, I don't call her that anymore. Sis has her own terms to use though!!

Sorry juju i saw "purple" and all I could think is beh heh someone is gonna lose a foot here!


I know this is a given coming from me but OMG today was insanely suck burger!!!

The cyst at least is gone, I have blood all over my head and stiches to prove it...but to get there, to the appt was an obstacle course!!!

The bus to town passed me buy three minutes ahead of schedule...I got on the one going up town instead rather than stand there for 35 minutes for the next...I sat down AND GOT STUNG BY A BEE! little bastard! I found it in my skirt, and taped it's sorry carcass in my journal...little shit! beh. then this bus had a twenty minute layover and when it finally headed to town....the bus driver came on the speaker and said "Folks due to a police action downtown we are having to take an alternate route, added 15 more minutes to trip, streets cordoned off...and of course the only bus NOT affected...the Number 2 medical shuttle, so I missed it and ended up late for the Dr appt. something I NEVER do! Squish slice poke, yes I can feel that... poke slice squish...least the damn thing is out!
I mean really...In a week it'll be funny, now it is just, after being nervous all nigth and sleeping three hours to get up to that....I wish I could have stayed in bed...
but it ain't Syria eh? Gah...
Opened my email and my cousins little girl fell on the playground and broke her arm today as well...Gonna turn in now before A plane falls on the house...I'll be safer in the basement...I think...Jen.

Deb, have a great vacation. Cuz, always look forward to your jokes. We all can use a good chuckle. Jen, hope Cyrel, sorry I already forgot what you named the evil cyst. But, hopefully the surgery will go well. Manager at work, (super girl) got something like that. Had to have 2 removed from her head. Juju, get some rest, everything that needs doing will get done. Sharyn, I wonder if our mothers are related.Yours is Cruella, Deville, and my mother is more Marie LaVoe.

I have been on the phone with my 30yr old son for he wants to leave his wife for several good reasons but their is always two sides to every story. Plus, their r children involved. This has been going on for some time but getting worse. We offer both of them n the kids to come down n try to start a fresh start here or just work out the problems their n if it don't work then think about the children for its not good for them to see n hear all the bickering. The daughter n law, his wife has been texting me as well n I am right n the middle trying not to take side, what a freaking mess! I just want to take a plane trip to NM and slap the shit out of both of them n just grow up! She is 32. My nerves cannot take this mess! I have enough here at the house. Right now he back at their house n called me that he wanted to just end it by slicing his wrist. I had to stop that ASAP! That is something is grandma would say. I told him that he needs to if nothing else just lay down n say nothing n just breathe. Just hold each other n go from their. One step at a time. I know he also has Ptsd from going overseas 3'xs over a yr for each one. He quit after 8yrs of service n I don't blame him for that one. I just hope they can work it out for the kids best interest whether to stay or not but for the kids. His boss called so maybe he will have to do some reporting for the Gallup paper n that can get things off his mind.
Mil passed her TB test n will get a copy next Tuesday. Hopefully, hubby n I will be leaving to P.C. Beach by next weekend while my bro takes care of things here. 13 yrs has been an awful long time since we have been. We need the break our-self n our own marriage. Hopefully, mil will not lose to much weight at the place while we r gone while she tries to be independent making her choices to eat or not. She likes to try to use her Interdependency around others yet, not realizing for her best interest when she don't eat. I thought about label her some Ensures too. My sinus is killing me n my back still feels like its on fire. I think it may be a pinch nerve or the osteopenia in my lower lumbar area is showing it butt. Well, I gotta go give out meds n a Ensure n make sure the mil is n her night-comfy-clothes. I hope everyone can get some rest.

Deef, sorry for your loss. It does sound like you done everything for your mom’s best interest up till her death n for it to go as peacefully as possible without the dr’s trying to poke her n nickel n dime the family. Everyone grieves at their own pace so don’t be hard on yourself. Hugs to you.
Kuli, u r so right for I have no idea where I would be today if this site wasn’t here when I found it. I have gotten all kind of advice n that is what it is n it’s up to me to decided which advice best suited for my mil’s best interest as well as mine own health too.
Cuz, u have grown on me too with your jokes n they have lifted my spirit numerous times. Plus, I just go to the pot in A.M..after my good ole cup of Joe. lol
Bobbie, the votes r in and that means u cannot leave, sorry but we need ya too.
Meanwhile, why n the world would the dog eat such is beyond me. I have to hide the litter box in r other bathroom for the same reason. Go figure n gross! Just don’t let him lick ya anytime soon.
Sharyn, u cannot be the buffer all the time n your sister will have to realize it too. You r human and can only do so much. As for the planting the seed, I had to teach myself to let go of some of the negativity n try to see my mom’s side the way she was brought up in her ole days. That I knew that, she loved us and done the best she could do from what she had learned from her parents. Maybe the seed needs to be planted into your sister instead. Then, it will be up to her to forgive n let go n move on. Or not forgive n just move on and not drag u into it. As for the fire, do you live in Idaho where all that huge fire is located? I hope not but they did say they r getting it in control so that is good news.
Juju, I wouldn’t think they put a cast on too tight but her foot may have swollen some due to the injury n that may be causing the purple color?
Cat, I hope u r doing alright n all this can move on for this is not the first time we all have had disagreements on posting n yet, some of us r still here. So, come on back when u get ready for I miss ya too. Sending u some white light.
So come on with some good jokes for I need one or two please.....

Lildeb~As caregivers, I have come to realize that being validated for all we do is important. I know sis wants that from mom so I can work on validating her more myself and telling mom that sis is doing a great job..don't know if it will help her. Maybe by planting the seeds in mom's mind may encourage her to say it to sis sometime. I must get going, have errands to run before work. Have a good day everyone and keep posting!!

Oh yes this thread must go on, and we will have bad days im sure we all can get past the occasional issue or two....I would not be the same with out the captian and boat crew here! a definite lifeline!!
Jen if you were talking bout my comment bout moms purple foot it is her big cast! But I do have to check her toes everyday for swelling n redness as it could get irritated under there!
I Have been so tired this week I slept all afternoon n nite when I had stuff to do ughhh...I need to get busy.
Just checking in to say hi to everyone and how wonderful we all are in our different ways! Love to you all!!!
Peace,
Juju

Bobbie~I agree with Deef. Ending this thread, that continues to help so many of us currently and those in the future would be a shame. There will always be people who are offended but they come and go. I went to church with a man named Ed. He was a special ed teacher. The minister and many others called him special ed. Does that mean they were putting down children or adults with special needs...no!! Cat if you want to name your tumor Maggie (which btw is a very sweet name) or if you want name it Cruella Deville....we don't care.I referred to my mother as Cruella Deville before the Alz really took control of her personality.Is it disrespectful...yes it is to some people who have a different way of looking at life. Most of us know it is a way of coping and recognize it for what it is.
Jen~it was great seeing your posts. I hope you continue to post as you are an important part of this thread...just like you Cat.
Deef~I read your post, and agree...you made the right decisions and bless you. I don't know what life will be like without my mom. How to get back to a life without a loved one we have cared for...it takes time that is all I know right now.
Lildeb~Temps have cooled so the humidity is gone. We have some wildfires going on that may be the culprit. I have realized that sis needs validation, whether getting it from me will help her I don't know but I am working on validating her more. She wants it from mom, she would like for mom to apologize for our childhoold, I don't think she will get either of those. I will do what I can to validate her, but I can't always go to the community to be a buffer between her and mom.
Gotta go, very tired so turning in early tonight!!

I agree deef, you handled everything fine and you are still handling it all...You need to take as much time and space as you need...Happy Belated B day to you too...I have a lot of deaths and stuff that come around my B day too. annoying that.

Stupid addendum here: but I have a cyst on my head I call Cyril, I am getting him removed tomorrow, the other one was Cedric...Cat, I don't know why that woman was so upset, I guess we all have different ways of dealing with stressful issues (NOTE mine are not cancerous so totally different issue) but I think to try and shame you for what you did to make it a bit easier for you was a bit harsh!

bobbie I'd just, I don't know, I can't imagine. If you are tired of it and need a break you should take one, but it was your post and you are the captain (for always), we have had storms and droughts and occasionally hurricanes, but this has always been a place a refuge for me anyhow. I am glad there ARE others who understand what I mean when I say I am wiping feces off the walls. And the house smells like piss and these are not metaphors. It is a good post and good site, it gives people a chance to vent and feel OK to vent, and it gives cranks a chance to address the venting as if we have broken a law and feel superior to others for not complaining about the miseries we experience in care giving...
I think it should go on, who knows maybe it will be here in 20 years and some totally new people will be having the same issues themselves and want a place to laugh and complain and get support and tips to help with a often tremendously stressful and painful journey.

Kuli, purple? gah what the hell hell is that? Purple leg and foot? does she have an infection?

Thanks to everyone who has helped me here, where ever you go...Jen

Naming the Bathroom

Instead of the John I call my bathroom the Jim!
That way it sounds better when I say
I go to the Jim first thing every morning!!!

Bobbie, I would think that particular person would know that Cat didn’t mean any harm n that was her way of dealing with her own illness. Which she is still dealing with and needs our support. That why I mention about maybe that particular person just had a rough day n blew it out of proportion. What about all those hurricanes that have taking so many lives? Every hurricanes or whatever gets a name? I am pretty sure that Cat let that person know that she wasn’t trying to be offensive. Hopefully those two can reason things out. No-one is perfect but we all need to be a little understanding sometimes. Btw, we love ya too. ; ) I luv dungeon blue crabs dipped in garlic warm butter. My mouth is already watering.
Happy Belated Birthday Deef n I hope it was a great b-day.

Sharyn, my sister n I would do similar talks toward one of my bro’s for he got away with anything. It would just piss us off why we were always treated different n he would get rewarded for doing nothing. It took years n not until he actually told us himself that, “he had no choice in the matter, that he couldn’t help the way r mom treated him vs us girls.” It wasn’t until then, that I truly saw that he felt bad for us n that, it was not his fault for her actions. Maybe, if u can let her know n just maybe she will understand. Maybe?
Kuli, I agree and you said it very well. For we all r hurting in some way n some…n this is what this place is, a support group. I apologize for whomever it offended about the name. However, I know the name was NOT picked to hurt anyone yet, to deal with their own illness.
Bobbie, this thread is not to its end, unless everyone just gives up. Like Kuli mention, “Support each other even if our own opinions may differ..” Plus, if some don’t won’t to be grossed-out then don’t respond or post on this particular thread, duh! I have ran into a few of those that thinks because my mil is my mi that I should take care of her till the end no matter what …… However, everyone’s situation is different n I think everyone on here should try to be a little more OPEN-MINDED, UNDERSTANDING n SUPPORTED.
Moving on:
Hubby had his B–day today n took him out to dinner. Mil didn’t won’t to eat. She kept saying she was full but I knew she hadn’t ate lunch but a bite or two at the respite today. So, we just order a bake potato with butter for her. She was somewhat happy. I tried to offer her some of my tender ribs but she said no. It’s like she don’t enjoy eating. Like I am the evil person putting food in front of her n I try to give her what she likes. She is getting to where if she has to chew it more than a couple of bites, she don't won't it. Even condiments to help make stuff more juicy n easier to eat, she looks at the condiment as extra food. At least on the way home she mentions that she was hungry, so, I made her half sandwich along with an Ensure.  gotta go with the flow sometimes.
She also went off on the SW the other day. We were discussion about the AL instead of NH. The mil would come in the room n peep around n listen. Since I have a member working their n trying to see if hospice will help pay n it would be better for her too.. However, there r all those red tape to go through Medicare rules. Anyway, later the SW asked the mil what she had for breakfast? Now he had already spoken to her as soon as he came in the front door. So, she replied, “I don’t know, u been talking to her(me) all day why don’t u ask her.” Omg! She just went off on the Social worker. She knew we were discussing something about her but I wasn’t ready for her to hear anything. I just didn’t won’t her to get upset n stay on my ass all day. It does amaze how they can remember some stuff. Anyway, I had the RN talk to her n try to explain it in different way n not sure that helped either. Were going to try n get her to stay on the 30th that way we will know if she is okay. However, the RN said that, I am setting myself up for disaster for the first night will be rough but she should be okay. Yet when I asked him the question below, he tells me a week ahead. I don’t know why she even thinks that I would put her away for I told her several times that would be my last resort when I couldn’t do it anymore.
So, my question is, “how or when do I bring it up again to her about staying a couple of nights somewhere else without us?”
I hope everyone is able to get some rest. Got go take med myself n a shot. zzz

Deef, you did the best possible for your mother. Wish you could take some time to relax, but sometimes it is easier to just keep moving.
Bobbi, this site is still a sanctuary for me, and I know others as well. Bless you for being here.
Ok I have a poop story. I have this weird house cat. He won't use a litter box, but asks out, like a dog. He even rolls over on his back to get his tummy rubbed. Anyway, cat followed me out to the orchard, and his digging to China under the almond tree. Old dog spots him and runs over to watch. As soon as cat is done, and buried his business, (and you guessed it), dog digs it up and eats it.

If this site quits, who will I pass all the jokes to? I've hung around this site for well over two and a half years and I'm not even a caregiver. I've grown attatched to all of you and hope to hang around for quite a long time. Love each and every one of you. Hugs also.
luvCuz

DEEF!!!!! You did the right thing for your mom. I know how hard it is to make those final decisions, but YOU have to know you did the right thing. And thank God you were there for her. You were such a good, caring daughter - as so many of us have been - for our parent when they needed someone who truly loved them to help them through the dying process and making the right decisions in the end. Easy to say, for me - I still live with the questions, did I do the right thing at the right time? In my heart, I know I did - it's my mind I still have to convince now and then and it's been almost 2 years. But, yes, you are so right - this thread has been a life line to so many that it's difficult to think of life without it. But as I said in my earlier post, all those here have to ALWAYS keep in mind where others may be in their journey. Not judge, not jump to opinions, but always remember we are here to support each other and accept other's opinions, thoughts, beliefs. After all, that's what friends are for, right? And you Bobbie have been so integral in not only starting this but keeping it going in the right direction, despite the fact that your actual journey is over. As they say, a captain never goes down without it's ship. I would hate to see this ship go down so I ask that all those here take a step back, take a deep breath and really think about ending this. Even though I mostly lurk on the sidelines, I have to say that I check on everyone almost daily to see if they are ok. Can we please try to understand another viewpoint rather than jumping to our own conclusions and wait to respond until our emotions are better under control to prevent misunderstanding? Deef, So glad to here from you and know you are surviving. In the end, we are all survivors and that's what gives us the strength to go through the caregiving process. Love you Deef ~ You are in my thoughts and prayers. Kuli

Sharyn, I don’t see how anyone with Asthma can handle the weather when it clammy outside. Sinus makes it harder to breath through that air too. Hopeully, yall will gets some of r rain to clear it all out. We got a couple of days of sunshine so I am thankful. As for your sis, Probable sounds best for the both of them being she has those feelings and you can’t blame your sis. I hear ya on the part when your mom similar like my mil can change in an instance. Especially, when the RN will asked me questions about her. I can get some real shitty looks n smarty mouth attitude. I don’t see how u can handle it as well. All the power to you and some! ; )
Cat, omg! That gave her no right for u were only trying to deal with a nasty n scary illness the best way you thought would help you get through it. We all know you meant no harm in giving it a name. If that person ‘really knew you,” Then that person would understand without any judgments. “Please don’t let those two knock u down for u meant no harm.” Just because my first marriage was abusive in all kind of ways, don’t mean everyone name that is James is a bad-violent-abusive person! Just defriend them on FB n let it go for its not worth it. Like I mention, if they knew YOU then, they would know u didn’t mean anything wrong by giving it a name. Oh hell, call it my name; I don’t give a rats ass! People need to ease up a bit.
Juju, Austin, I agree, Cat, name it what the hell u want to name it!
Bobbie, u tell them!!
Cat, I am just so pist at whoever had the gauze to even say something! Hopefully, he or she was having a rough day n blew it out of proportion. Does that mean, all these HURRICANES that they name for every time they have one mean that, someone going to go crazy from losing a love one that had their name? Give me a f---ing break!

Hey Bobbie!!!!
Keep it going please!!! I know I have been missing for a longgggg time, but this thread is needed for all the reasons you stated! Many have come and gone during the years I have been here and I know there is always someone who needs to hear the good and the bad of care giving. This entire site is brimming with information and support. Some good and some not so good, but always lots of different viewpoints and encouragement and yes sometimes crap hits the fan, but in the end we all come here to get and give support to anyone who needs it. Big egos aside, we all have to remember when we are reading the written word, we all tend to put a different inflection or emphasis on anything we read. Ten of us can read the same post and only 2 of us will get the exact intent and tone the writer was trying to convey.
So please, if you have a question or feel insulted by what you read, ask if you read it right or if the writer meant something entirely different. It could save a lot of heartache in the end for everyone. Lets all try get along and do what we are meant to do here. That would be to give advice, support and love to whomever, whenever they need it.
That being said, I'm sure you all know that I lost my Mom on July 25th, her 86th birthday. She had been declining rapidly the last few months and it was taking it's toll on me. After over 7 years of caregiving, I was truly struggling to get through each day. Mom was eating less and very tired all the time. She was below 80lbs. and sleeping more, but still going to daycare.
My sister arrived here for her 2 week stay on the 21st and knew what to expect when she saw Mom, as she would call often for updates. I dropped her at daycare that morning and told them it was her b'day. Pat, wished her a Happy B'day and asked her how old she was. Mom said 49 and gave her a big smirk! My youngest brother came before lunch with his 2 kids, Ruby11, and Reed 6. My younger sister, the one who is always rude to me, also came up to celebrate Mom's B'day. While we were having lunch, the daycare called and said the ambulance was on the way for Mom. I grabbed my things and ran out the door telling my sister where I was headed. Before I drove off, my brother caught up with me and he and my older sister followed me in his car.
I got to daycare and went in to see the nurse as I was told to do. The ambulance and police car were still in the lot. Mary told me Mom had one of her episodes, but this time it didn't look good. That's when I knew. The police actually drove the ambulance to the hospital which is a couple streets over from the daycare.
When we got there, they took us right in and I tried to get a nurse to tell them she had a DNR. Not sure that's what it really was, as it was something Mom had signed at the NH 4 years ago, but I would have lied about it anyway!
They were busy working on Mom because they had put in an airway at the daycare as they had no DNR on file there. The policeman took us to a family waiting room and said someone would be with us shortly. Once I gathered my wits, I headed back to the room they had Mom in and told them not to do anything if she was in a bad way. The young doctor on duty was showing me that her heart was still beating, but the nurse kept saying no carotid pulse and no blood pressure. He told me it was a "gray" area and that he was going to try some heart medication. Again I told him NO! The Doctor in charge was called back and assessed the situation and talked to me and all but said "gray area my ass" to the other doctor. This one told everyone to take a step back and leave the room for a few moments and the nurse told us to take her hand and talk to her. Of course my sister bailed out on me and my baby brother was too distraught to move, so I had to do what I said I would never do. I took Mom's hand and rubbed her forehead and told her it was okay to go. Her heart stopped almost immediately. Not my finest moment for sure, and I still haven't had a good cry to this day.
My youngest sister showed up from work shortly after and Tom went back to Mom's to tell the kids and the b!tch sister showed up for a couple minutes. we had to wait for the medical examiner to sign off on the death certificate before they could take the intibation tube out of Mom's mouth. Then they had to call the funeral home. Suffice it to say that I spent 4 1/2 hours sitting with Mom's body while my sibs kept coming and going. Once we knew the funeral home was coming to get her body, the nurses took her clothes off and wrapped her. Of course we got silly and started joking and laughing amidst all the crap going on. But I guess when you are sitting in the room with a body, you got to pass the time somehow. My sister didn't want to leave her alone until they came, so I sat back down in the chair and prepared myself for more waiting, while both my sisters left and my brother came back to wait with me. the 2 older of my brothers never came to see Mom at the hospital. One never saw her at all and the other went to the funeral home the next morning to sit with her.
Og course we had a house full that night over Mom's, and the beer and pizza were flowing. The stories were being told and pictures were passed around.
The next morning myself, older sister, youngest sister, POA, and baby brother went to the funeral home to make the arrangements. Guess who wrote the obit? If you guessed me, right again! I kept saying "who died and left me in charge?" Then I would say, "oh yeh! Mom!" Finally when they asked for a phone # to reach if there were any questions, I told my sister she was POA and she should give them her #.
As we had Mom cremated and just a graveside service, it took a week before everything could happen. I also arranged the hall and all the food for after the service. It was short and sweet and over in no time. The way to go for sure and exactly what Mom wanted. No crying, no histrionics and no spending big $$'s to get the job done.
Now I am struggling to get my life back which isn't easy. When Mom died, so did my income, so I'm forced to find work as soon as I can so that I can pay my bills. As you know, my husband has been out of work for 2 1/2 years and collecting SS, with no intentions of finding a part time job to help out. I just turned 62 on Monday and will get my first SS check in October. Had I known Mom would pass before my 62nd B'day, I would have tried to find a job before applying for benefits. As it is, if I can get a full time job soon, I will delay getting SS for now. Mom's apartment will remain as is for now. I don't have the ambition to get it all cleaned out and fixed up for a new tenant, even though I sure could use the cash!
The kids planted a huge garden this year and right now I'm struggling to catch up with all the veggies. I spent a week in Virginia with my sister's family right after the funeral, so a lot didn't get done and now I have to go through Mom's things by myself.
I've made 2 batches of blueberry jam and 2 batches of salsa so far. I have red raspberries and concord grapes waiting in the wings for more jam and plenty of tomatoes to blanch and peel for the next round of salsa.
I promise I will try to catch up and keep up with the thread as best I can. I have a lot going on here and my coping skills are not what they should be, so I will do my best to chime in when I can
Love Deef!!!!

Good Evening Crew,

Just heard from Flex (Diane) and she said to say hi to everyone. Sounds like she is doing ok.

Kuli! I hear you! It's a process of healing. I know that everyone has their own stuff they are dealing with and I know that on this thread it comes down to me since I get the emails, etc in the back channels. I try to keep peace on the boat but some don't want peace and some want drama so I usually end up doing something wrong and taking a shot.

It's good hearing about Ted and Flex and those who are working their way forward out of the nightmare of years of caregiving and isolation that they experienced. These are people who truly thought that their lives were over and that they had no future and now look. They are making it work and making a life in spite of the crazy that they dealt with and in spite of the PTSD that follows insane caregiving and nuts siblings.

I love hearing from everybody with what they are coping with and miss them when they are not here. I think of everyone on a daily basis and wish them all well. I miss the people who were here in the very beginning and every once in awhile I hear from one or two and it makes my day.

We have good people here and they are trying their best to deal with their issues and many are still in the trenches of caregiving.

I am wondering whether this thread has come to the end of its usefulness. Why I keep on is that I know that there are people who don't know yet that it's ok to be grossed out to the nines because that doesn't mean you don't love your mom or dad.
Those are the folks I worry about because of the isolation and because of the potential guilt that they experience because they don't know yet that they don't have to.

That is the part of this thread that I am most proud of. When you see someone post and say: I thought I was alone. I thought I was the only one who wanted to throw up on my feet when mom did this or that. I love her, but oh man.
That's a sweet thing to know that someone has learned to vent it all out and use that as a coping tool while they deal with the hardest job they'll ever have. Just one of the coping tools but an important one to be sure.

I love it when everyone posts and keeps it going because the newbies are the ones that we can help while we help each one of us long timers get through our days and long nights.

I worry about Jen and Juju and Mame and Kuli and Austin and lilDeb and Sharynmarie and Meanwhile and Cuz and Cat and Deef an Rip and Flex and Ted and Linda and Christine and Cricket just to name a few of the many crew members that have shared time on this crazy boat.

OK, all for now. You guys let me know if this is still worth it and I will be here.

lovbob

Juju hope you can get some rest, and relaxation.