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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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oh Cat, prayers to you, I am not familiar with types too much but I hope you are talking about the kind I heard Sheryl Crow had...I saw an interview where she said she had one of the most treatable kind with high success rates....IDK...Just hoping for the best! Ughhh!! Prayers, thoughts, and your white light right back at you! Stay strong!!! Luv Juju
FOR ALL THE MEN IN OUR LIVES WHO ASK, "WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG IN THE RESTROOM"
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers"(invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless (God I should have gone to the gym!!!) thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance".
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday -the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That will have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse,which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper -not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom ever touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get".
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in, too. At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, ..... so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this".
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?" ...........
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door!
Send this to all women that understand what bonding in the bathroom is all about!
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra... Hard to Find... Supportive.... Comfortable ... Always Lifts You Up... Never Lets You Down, or Leaves You Hanging, And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
Hi everyone: Just got a call from the doctor's office. Results from biopsy are positive. These are initial results confirming cancer, but more results expected this week which will explain whether ductal or lobular point of origin. Need surgery to remove lump. Working on arranging it. WTF. As Jen would say, beh!!!
I think we have all met this lady at one time or another.
SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
The room erupted in applause.
Can't claim this one though, got it from Christina. THANX lovCuz
Hail to the A/C.... Yay, glad midget is adjusting, poor tiger tho...mighty hot there, hopefully he finds a cool spot to crash for the day, under a house somewhere's but in the heat wud be worrying , too! ! Think that's what my boy did, But this year he know he's old or JRT matured a li'l and don't torment him, as much! IDK..he hasn't taken off yet since weather flipped....
Is Monty the pug, Jen? Wet washcloth on the back helped my friends old Pekinese yesterday!
Didn't get to the cake, too darn hot to bake late I will get it one of these mornings! I am craving one now! must make it!!! So I can keep up my chunky dunking figure!!!
Great appointment with mom's MD! I still have questions but main issues are covered we are following up in couple weeks.
Thanks for the help with the picture...I just had to set it to ".jpg" rather than ".*" file once I finally took a few minutes to play with it!
I just have to post this bit of positive news...no it is not about mom...it is about her dog living with me, LOL!!!
I got home from work at 10pm tonight. My kitty came in when I got home and I fed him. It is now midnight, he is still in the house and Midget is ignoring him, YAY!! Making progress. It is so hot today, it would not be so bad if it wasn't muggy, humid on top of it!! I feel so bad for tiger being out in that heat. He is laying comfortably under the kitchen table for the last 2 hours!! I have Midget on my lap and am trying to brush her out (she was groomed last Wednesday), she is getting more comfortable with me and actually tried to bite me when I brushed her. I don't let her get away with that behavior which is probably what my mom did. She is letting me brush her.Oh darn, it is going to take some time getting her to accept being brushed. She is so spoiled...if she gets on the couch with a chew toy and it falls to the floor, she will stand on the couch barking at it because my mom would pick it up for her...I won't... if she wants it bad enough let her get off the couch and get it herself. What a dependant little brat!!! LOL!! She is learning!
Tomorrow will be very hot according to Accuweather. 110 with humidity at 50%. That is high humidity for us!! There is very little relief until next week. Menopause and hot flashes do not mix well with this heat...thank God for A/C and HRT, LOL!!!
Hot here, but not as hot as some places. Got the grass mowed today. Loved the jokes Cuz. Hope Mike is doing better. My foot is doing pretty well, if I don't over do it. Sharyn, and Juju, hope your both able to do something for your arm/shoulder pain? Jen, glad you got to enjoy that nice fresh smell you get after a rain.. Need rain here.
Juju~Crop the picture small and click on the link on your profile to upload the picture. Whenever I upload a picture on here, it takes several tries before it is actually saved. My arm is the same, tomorrow I will call my insurance about getting an extension because of being off work for 4 weeks. Once the extension is in place, I will go to the dr. I am afraid he will put me out on disability for PT, I hate to do that when I only just went back to work. I would say I have maybe 20% loss of strength in my arm. Thanks for asking, hope you are staying cool, well off to work now. Hugs to all!!
Good morning all...I have a question, I have tried to upload a real picture for this profile here and it just goes nowhere. I am not terribly skilled with the computer. Any idea's???? Happy Sunday to all, stay cool! heatwave here along the whole west coast apparently...finally caught up on the news for first time in weeks. My AC in car is out I realized last trip to hospital, gonna have to get on that first thing Monday am mom has dr's be awfully hot for her in the car.
Cake day today, either a box I have or Bobs cocoa recipe! the frosting will be homemade no matter!
SharynMarie- Hows the arm doing? Mine is better now we home, surely was stress but wonder if that can actually pinch a nerve, yada yada yada.... Hope your feeling better too! Luv Juju
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question ," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
I never use the same kitchen hand towels that my Mom uses, as I have seen what she does w/her hands. She thinks she can still cook, but NO. She put a pastry I bought for her in the microwave and burnt the saucer up. I have to put signs on toliets, cabinets, refrigerators, etc. Also, GROSS, she only will take what she calls sponge baths. I cannot wrestle her into the shower.....I am so beaten up...
Yeah, it's 108 today, but it is a dry heat and yes hot is hot regardless!! The realtor said mom's house is in excellent condition and does not recommend we pull up the carpet to refinish the hardwood floors. The carpet is in good shape, just needs cleaning. She can even take care of the estate sale by having people she knows who will come out and buy everything at once. We are thinking about that as a possibility.
Sharyn- had to add don't know how you all do it in those area's. I could not...my Vegas trips in summer nearly killed me...I think that Is why I like Oregon. although long wet winters are adjustment I don't do well in heat. I had realtor out this week, well value did not tank as bad as I thought but so much in disrepair, there is a lot to be spent there for rental, but if I sell I could just finish up cosmetics and do an "AS IS" on some issues as long as I disclose still will drop value but no stress of getting the work done. At least we moving forward a bit here n there. Thanks everyone for well wishes, I am really doing pretty good actually. Taking actions is much more gratifying than sticking my head in the sand. I am no longer an ostrich! I'm just flapping about testing the new wings, getting ready to make a flight plan! Well stinky dump is done, worst is over now.....dooty calls! luv to you all! Juju
juju sorry for your loss and having to put down your kitty..everything at once eh?
Agree not all elderly lie about pain, some revel in it, fp here will put Ben Gay on EVERYTHING including: cuts, strains, sprains, head aches...and burns....
thunder and rain here temps down a bit. saves watering money.
Juju~Sorry about your cat. I put one of my cats down a couple years ago, he was in beginning kidney failure. I have lost 2 cats to kidney failure, a common ailment for old kitties.
Its going to be very hot here today too. Don't have to mow the lawn but do have to work and customers tend to be grumpy when its hot. Wish I could squirt them with water when they get like that, LOL!!
Gotta go meet up with a realtor at mom's house today. Hoping we don't have to do a lot to get the best price for it, overall the house is in excellent condition.
Cat.....Biopsy sounds ruff, thinking and praying for you! Bob...Netflix? that gets kinda boring too tho nice to have some current events/news etc... Cuz... Love the bathing suit story and I do swim in shorts n tee, hahaha!
I was in shock yesterday bout my Wanda, today I am feeling the loss, I do keep a small circle as good eggs are few and far between here. I will miss here much!! She was big part of our life! She was a big part of our community! Loved by all!! Her daughter asked me to take care of notifying the senior center and I got that done finally bout nine last nite before I got hold of the right folks...had written the number down wrong for coordinators cell phone so had to call around to other contacts n get the word to her. We had both become very concerned Wanda was timely and reliable! They are going to have services after the 4thJuly week to be easier on all! And yes thankfully she did not suffer much or end up like our folks a long drawn out battle! Wanda is with the angels now.
Cat....thanks for the advice, , he still happy and active otherwise the ailments just doesn't feel right yet, feels like I am doing it for me not him (the box issues...peeing n pooping everywhere) but true the teeth and that tumor on his head..i just cant afford to fix right now...are what scare me...I had to have them bring dry while I was gone the catfood got packed by mistake...I dumped it and gave him his regular I hear him eating this morning....idk...if he were a lil more sickly it would be easier decision... The big dog has really got me worried more with the health as she limps and I know she Is hurting. she got skin issues too, chews and scratches herself raw, it is the Sharpei in her, hot spots, constantly scabby, she has gone bald on her back n tail and she has a few tumors I did have one tested last year it is benign but more are showing up!
Anyway slept in here this morning on the couch. Finally got thru "The Voice" shows last nite, kept falling asleep and restarting two nites in a row, lol! TV is a sleeping pill for me lately!! Should get up and get to dump with a load before it heats up! Got to do my yard work real early now. I can only bare the heat when I am next to the river with a cold one!!! VERY THANKFUL TO BE ABLE AND SAFE TO DO THE YARDWORK NOW THAT I KNOW I WILL NOT FALL THRU A HOLE AND BE STUCK/DIE!!! I am headed to the coffeepot next. I do need to go thru all moms files this weekend calmly as to have all my questions ready for Doc Monday...I will just hang out in the A/C and get r done! Gosh I feel my posts are depressing.....I will try to find a nice happy story for you all!
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.' 'What that tell you?' asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, It tells me there are millions of galaxies and, potentially, billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'
"You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent."
Woman Buying a Bathing Suit When I was a child in the 1950's, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.
The mature woman has a choice: she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.
What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.
The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Play Doh wearing undersized cling wrap.
As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.
I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serviette ring.
I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.
I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.
I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.
Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.
When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."
So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!
You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a stylish bathing suit!
You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future
Send this to five ladies you love!!
Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says ~~ "Oh Crap, She's up!"
I do have a ludes story but I don't remember it, hahhahaha it was 1985 couple nites before my BFF wedding, the bachelor/ette party in Vegas (she lived there, but we were tourists,lol_ Last thing we know is walking toward Circus Circus..Scotty stumbling then we all waking up in our room, heads pounding! I believe alcohol was involved and I have a faint memory of security as well. first n last endeavor into that!! hmmm that gave me a chuckle!!! thanks guys!!!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Prayers, thoughts, and your white light right back at you! Stay strong!!!
Luv
Juju
FOR ALL THE MEN IN OUR LIVES WHO ASK, "WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG IN THE RESTROOM"
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.
Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for the modern "seat covers"(invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless (God I should have gone to the gym!!!) thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance".
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday -the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That will have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your purse,which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
It is wet of course.
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper -not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom ever touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get".
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in, too. At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.
You're e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d.
You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, ..... so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this".
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom.
Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?" ...........
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door!
Send this to all women that understand what bonding in the bathroom is all about!
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find...
Supportive....
Comfortable ...
Always Lifts You Up...
Never Lets You Down, or Leaves You Hanging, And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
Share with anyone who needs a good laugh!
SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
The room erupted in applause.
Can't claim this one though, got it from Christina. THANX
lovCuz
Yay, glad midget is adjusting, poor tiger tho...mighty hot there, hopefully he finds a cool spot to crash for the day, under a house somewhere's but in the heat wud be worrying , too! !
Think that's what my boy did, But this year he know he's old or JRT matured a li'l and don't torment him, as much! IDK..he hasn't taken off yet since weather flipped....
Is Monty the pug, Jen? Wet washcloth on the back helped my friends old Pekinese yesterday!
Didn't get to the cake, too darn hot to bake late I will get it one of these mornings! I am craving one now! must make it!!! So I can keep up my chunky dunking figure!!!
Great appointment with mom's MD! I still have questions but main issues are covered we are following up in couple weeks.
Thanks for the help with the picture...I just had to set it to ".jpg" rather than ".*" file once I finally took a few minutes to play with it!
Who's got fun plans for the Fourth of July??
Stay cool y'all!
Luv,
Juju
I just have to post this bit of positive news...no it is not about mom...it is about her dog living with me, LOL!!!
I got home from work at 10pm tonight. My kitty came in when I got home and I fed him. It is now midnight, he is still in the house and Midget is ignoring him, YAY!! Making progress. It is so hot today, it would not be so bad if it wasn't muggy, humid on top of it!! I feel so bad for tiger being out in that heat. He is laying comfortably under the kitchen table for the last 2 hours!! I have Midget on my lap and am trying to brush her out (she was groomed last Wednesday), she is getting more comfortable with me and actually tried to bite me when I brushed her. I don't let her get away with that behavior which is probably what my mom did. She is letting me brush her.Oh darn, it is going to take some time getting her to accept being brushed. She is so spoiled...if she gets on the couch with a chew toy and it falls to the floor, she will stand on the couch barking at it because my mom would pick it up for her...I won't... if she wants it bad enough let her get off the couch and get it herself. What a dependant little brat!!! LOL!! She is learning!
Tomorrow will be very hot according to Accuweather. 110 with humidity at 50%. That is high humidity for us!! There is very little relief until next week. Menopause and hot flashes do not mix well with this heat...thank God for A/C and HRT, LOL!!!
Oh, and welcome Echo.
Loved the jokes Cuz. Hope Mike is doing better.
My foot is doing pretty well, if I don't over do it.
Sharyn, and Juju, hope your both able to do something for your arm/shoulder pain?
Jen, glad you got to enjoy that nice fresh smell you get after a rain.. Need rain here.
And he was.... " A Complete Prick!"
Happy Sunday to all, stay cool! heatwave here along the whole west coast apparently...finally caught up on the news for first time in weeks.
My AC in car is out I realized last trip to hospital, gonna have to get on that first thing Monday am mom has dr's be awfully hot for her in the car.
Cake day today, either a box I have or Bobs cocoa recipe! the frosting will be homemade no matter!
SharynMarie- Hows the arm doing? Mine is better now we home, surely was stress but wonder if that can actually pinch a nerve, yada yada yada....
Hope your feeling better too!
Luv
Juju
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy
a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question ," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to
the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
We don't skinny dip, We chunky dunk !!!!
Hugs to all!!
I had realtor out this week, well value did not tank as bad as I thought but so much in disrepair, there is a lot to be spent there for rental, but if I sell I could just finish up cosmetics and do an "AS IS" on some issues as long as I disclose still will drop value but no stress of getting the work done. At least we moving forward a bit here n there.
Thanks everyone for well wishes, I am really doing pretty good actually. Taking actions is much more gratifying than sticking my head in the sand. I am no longer an ostrich! I'm just flapping about testing the new wings, getting ready to make a flight plan!
Well stinky dump is done, worst is over now.....dooty calls!
luv to you all!
Juju
Agree not all elderly lie about pain, some revel in it, fp here will put Ben Gay on EVERYTHING including: cuts, strains, sprains, head aches...and burns....
thunder and rain here temps down a bit. saves watering money.
Have a safe weekend all.
Its going to be very hot here today too. Don't have to mow the lawn but do have to work and customers tend to be grumpy when its hot. Wish I could squirt them with water when they get like that, LOL!!
Gotta go meet up with a realtor at mom's house today. Hoping we don't have to do a lot to get the best price for it, overall the house is in excellent condition.
Hope everyone stays cool this weekend!!
Bob...Netflix? that gets kinda boring too tho nice to have some current events/news etc...
Cuz... Love the bathing suit story and I do swim in shorts n tee, hahaha!
I was in shock yesterday bout my Wanda, today I am feeling the loss, I do keep a small circle as good eggs are few and far between here. I will miss here much!! She was big part of our life! She was a big part of our community! Loved by all!! Her daughter asked me to take care of notifying the senior center and I got that done finally bout nine last nite before I got hold of the right folks...had written the number down wrong for coordinators cell phone so had to call around to other contacts n get the word to her. We had both become very concerned Wanda was timely and reliable! They are going to have services after the 4thJuly week to be easier on all! And yes thankfully she did not suffer much or end up like our folks a long drawn out battle! Wanda is with the angels now.
Cat....thanks for the advice, , he still happy and active otherwise the ailments just doesn't feel right yet, feels like I am doing it for me not him (the box issues...peeing n pooping everywhere) but true the teeth and that tumor on his head..i just cant afford to fix right now...are what scare me...I had to have them bring dry while I was gone the catfood got packed by mistake...I dumped it and gave him his regular I hear him eating this morning....idk...if he were a lil more sickly it would be easier decision...
The big dog has really got me worried more with the health as she limps and I know she Is hurting. she got skin issues too, chews and scratches herself raw, it is the Sharpei in her, hot spots, constantly scabby, she has gone bald on her back n tail and she has a few tumors I did have one tested last year it is benign but more are showing up!
Anyway slept in here this morning on the couch. Finally got thru "The Voice" shows last nite, kept falling asleep and restarting two nites in a row, lol! TV is a sleeping pill for me lately!!
Should get up and get to dump with a load before it heats up! Got to do my yard work real early now. I can only bare the heat when I am next to the river with a cold one!!! VERY THANKFUL TO BE ABLE AND SAFE TO DO THE YARDWORK NOW THAT I KNOW I WILL NOT FALL THRU A HOLE AND BE STUCK/DIE!!!
I am headed to the coffeepot next. I do need to go thru all moms files this weekend calmly as to have all my questions ready for Doc Monday...I will just hang out in the A/C and get r done!
Gosh I feel my posts are depressing.....I will try to find a nice happy story for you all!
Happy weekend to all!
Luv,
Juju
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking,
It tells me there are millions of galaxies and, potentially, billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter
past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?'
"You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent."
When I was a child in the 1950's, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.
The mature woman has a choice: she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.
What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.
The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Play Doh wearing undersized cling wrap.
As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.
I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serviette ring.
I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.
I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.
I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.
Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.
When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."
So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!
You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a stylish bathing suit!
You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future
Send this to five ladies you love!!
Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says ~~ "Oh Crap, She's up!"