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So we went to church and out to breakfast this morning for Mothers day now I am about to rent a movie and relax with her for a while....it been a ruff week....I gots lots to do comin up week !!
Stay strong you all and love and thanks to you all!!!
Also thanks for all the comments on other organizations other than church...I thought of the high school students and nursing students needing work exp credits as well for yard and mom help....I think I will pursue that!! and just try to get some organization and control over our finances make a budget plan on paper to try to stick too
Another issue with the isolaton out here is our neighborhood, I relocated us to a peaceful country foothill setting but had no idea drug n alcohol abuse would run rampant out here..but of course we landed in an area full of it....everytime I drive down to the local market I am sure to pass someone either walking down with the cans or walking up with the beer! one handyman told me look at the cars here always the women driving cuz most men cant get a liscense due to duii/drugs.... another reason I think I tend to keep to myself, I got tired of dealing with drunks, and have no tolerance what so ever for it or the Tweekers!!!! My saving grace is I am at the top of the hill and end of the road so my little corner of the hood is pretty quiet! and I have a beautiful view looking up the mountain and down the valley for miles and the sunset on the other side....just cant really get off the patio to enjoy it rite now. Due to the mess in the yard and the sinkhole....(afraid I will fall thru another and no one will be here this time to help get me out, could be fatal!) Anyway I think I will check in to this site everyday and see what going on....it has saved me this past week....I actually thought maybe the solution was to pack us (ma me and the 3 pets) all in the car and drive it strait off the road into the river!! I don't think I could ever follow thru but the thought creeping into my head was disturbing enuf. but it has passed....now I really think tho, that I probably not be able to do this much longe alone, her needs will become too great and I am too burned out...I DONT KNOW HOW I WILL SOLVE THIS PROBLEM BUT I know her recent injury and mortality scare is a wake up call shocked my outta an 8 yr coma SO I HAVE SO MUCH WORK TO DO AND DONT KNOW WHERE TO START all I know is I have to make our life the best it can be, whatever that entails (institutionalizing her and surviving somehow or ????) We cannot continue living in a CG COMA not good for HER or ME !! (I get very grouchy with her when I am stressing)
Deb, sorry about your eye. Take care of it. I got my ass chewed by the foot Dr, for not staying off it enough. He took another X-ray, and said there are even more breaks than he thought. At least 6. They are mostly cracks, and one big one, but I was shocked. It doesn't hurt that bad. So trying to be good, and bored out of my skull. Going to make shrimp stir fry and chocolate dipped strawberries for my mom. She will gripe, and criticize, but I just ignore her. The effort is more for my benefit than hers. Any word from Deef. I sure hope I didn't offend her. Really miss her posts.
I want to wish all the moms to have a very Happy Mother's Day.. I accidentally while rushing, slice-scratch the inside of my right eye ball . So, I am on eye antibiotics n pain killers. The light really kills the eyeball so I am wearing sunglasses n the house. The patch is just too much pressure. The eye dr also put a contact lens in my right eye until Monday. Whoo hoo!
Anyway, I thought, I drop by to wish all ya moms a Happy Mom's weekend. I hope everyone else has a great weekend too. ; )
Good news, I am finally showered and dressed after a four day crying stint in my jammies! boy does this feel good! Now to tackle Mothers day tomorrow it is such a bittersweet holiday for me! Happy to do something for my momma but sad she has no clue, well deep down she does, im sure, she is just not able to share it with me! And sad that i do not have children. I didn't choose that, shit just happens or not in my case! But I will do the best i can to make our day nice tomoro!!! Which may mean just not crying, lol, i'll take it!!! Hope you all enjoy your day too!!!
Juju, check with the state aging commission and there might be some free services available to you. Can the doctor put mom in a rehab since her hip is broken? Medicare should cover that cost. Find out if there is a comunity aid program through a local church or civic group that might be able to help you with fixing the house and mowing the lawn. You might even want to check at the high school and see if anyone is trying to get volunteer hours to look good on college applications. You should be able to apply for food stamps if you have no income. Lastly, check with the United Way and in some areas they have financial and legal advice, I don't know if you will get any results from these suggestions, but maybe this will point you in the right direction to feel you are working towards your future. Keep venting!!!
Honestly except for a hospital stay I have had maybe about 5 times that I had more than 3 hrs off in the nine years and it has been at least 3 ys since last time. and been alone all of the time, just mom n dogs to talk too and they don't answer back, conversate, lol ...I may be too far gone to do this myself I think I really need help! Physical help!
And if something were to happen to me, if I was in an accident, sick, or god forbid had some kind of heart attack or stroke what would happen to mom and our beloved pet family! No one calls or visits us. just the county provided couple hours of respite tues am and thurs pm. Mom n pets would sit here starving in her waste till respite arrived which could be several days! All these things are so overwhelming right now....how to fix this complete mess! K thanks for reading and I need help/ideas God bless you all, 1 love!!
Well good morning, I am feeling a little better today again. But it is the morning still. It seems I do well in the mornings, I am an early riser by nature and can get so much more done. But as the morning wears on and these unpleasant chores and duties swallow the time up, I find my lonliness set in, honestly less emotional today, but the truth is the truth, I am truly alone. I do not have any family left. I have always been the type that had a small circle of friends, not social butterfly type. But relocating and being housebound with Mom has really crippled my social circle, I have become negative and a burden to be around apparently because all of my relationships have dissintergrated. SO I am feeling less despairage but reality is reality....I am alone and have completely destroyed my life both emotionally & financially and my physical strength n health is deteriating too..... If something were to happen to mom ( a facility or the end), I would not be able to assume or qualify for the mortage on our home and would lose it after nine years and counting of hard labor (that was the agreement the house would go to me for taking care of her) but we didn't plan things very well. I also have tax n some other debts 20k that I have ignored....and messed up some of moms finances too....I am horrible with money! I have no aptitude for it but I am very smart person, I just don't get it how I keep screwing things up! And the house is falling apart literally, we have a gaping hole in the roof a sinkhole in the yard, recurring plumbing issues, water heater is about to fall thru the floor and my yard is waste high in weeds n grass...mower n weedeater both took a crap and with mom broken hip, I had to let the yard go!
That rant is meant to say Every aspect of things are a mess right now and we barely make it month to month... I cant pay for therapy, respite, and all these things/help I need. Today I wonder where in the hell do I start! How do I begin to put my life back together. I need some help with this WHERE DO I START, WHAT DO I DO???
A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
Hey bobbie. The knee is not purple anymore cause I had shorts on yesterday and you couldn't hardly see my boo boo. Mike is back living at his own place and is doing super. Thanks for being you OK? You are super for being the long distance cousin that you are. Love ya.
Glad you are venting juju and like Cuz said, there are caregivers here who are living the life and who have lived the life. I love that your mom is calling you pretty girl. Hang on to that but I know it doesn't make it any easier to deal with the entire picture. Don't let anyone or yourself guilt you either. This is insane and you know it on a deep level and that's why you're upset about it.
Palmer! Welcome and yup it's soul killing for sure. Keep venting. Mom would just drool on me, then laugh her ass off. ohyeah.
Jen and Flex and everybody! Where's Deef? worried sick about her. Jen! do you know anything?
I can't look or listen to my Mom eat...She refuses to put anything on her false teeth to keep them in her mouth...When she bends over and tries to talk , I just want to scream...The drool just spews out of her mouth... It grosses me out...
Yes it is crazy the weight. I dropped a kithchen appliance on my foot the other day, it hurt like a C#$^$@ for a while there. my first thought is OMG If I broke my foot what the heck am I gonna do bout momma! how will I get her up n bathed n PT everyday, least I can cook n hobble round. all this in the first seconds, lol!!! oh well, all is well, my foot was sore for couple days but fortunately fine!!!!
Thank you again everyone! It is helpful to vent! God Bless you all!
Jujubean, we are all walking or have walked this path ourselves. Please look into some local support groups and a therapist. I let the depression and family fighting get to me last year and I attempted suicide. Please don't let yourself go down that road. This thread has been my life support for over three years. We all understand that we have jeopardized our futures financially, physically & mentally. We know the isolation and having the weight of the world on our shoulders. Vent, vent vent!!!! We will be here for you.
so this awakening and new spirit actually sent me farther into despair this week realizing how much I time I have lost, how I have lost track of goals n plans and let the day control me. So I hope this is just some down time to process the situation and reload my energy banks!
So I digressed a bit but I initially came out of this injury situation awakened from the fog of caregiver burnout. I was renewed and reenergized but what shortly happened as I came out of the fog I saw what had become of my life and it was scary. I cant believe it has been almost 9 years. I had such big plans, I would do something with "our time" and life n family drama and burnout took a nibble here nibble there, nibbled away that spirit, depression set in (runs in the family) and care for mom before me! I am not dealing with the depression that caregivers suffer from...I care n medicate mom but I don't do it for me... I don't wanna take pills I think "its just cuz u trapped here, you can out think this" but it is a viscous circle. Can't out think it when I'm not thinking with a positive mind!
I want to thank everyone for the support, I am realizing what has sparked this episode of despair! She fell and broke her hip n shoulder Feb 5th (at the respite caregivers hands). We dodged a bullet and are letting her heal without surgery but has left her unable to walk. She managed to wiggle outta the wheelchair and end up on the floor, 3 Fridays ago while i was outside tending to a situation (Murphys law, the 1 time I hadn't clipped the seatbelt) I had the emt's take her up for xray to be safe and the ER sed she refractured the hip and is in bad shape...re-admitted her for surgery (which she would most likely not survive) THe next day after I spent the nite horrified with myself, the orthopedic surgeon sed the ER DR saw the bone was not intact so followed procedure n admitted for surgery BUT there was actually no change in the fracture. she was fine and home we went! These incidents and recent increase in her care routine and all the stress of almost losing her. I never get to recovery period so I melt down emotionally. ANd I just saw a post on may 6 about Physcology today article on the sound of your mothers voice. it is describes what hit me like a brick a few weeks ago is although I have my mother, I do not have my mother! I always think of her as here because she is here in body, but it never occurred to me she is not here, she is no longer able to provide that motherly comfort and support. I should correct my earlier post she does not speak less spoken to...so fortunately every morning she smiles and greets me back! with the ever so reliable "hows my pretty girl" I guess that's what keeps me going!!! She is sweet as cherry pie, no fear, anger, agitation, combativeness, etc! Thank everyone for your kind words....I am really depressed this week tho and cant seem to do much but cry! I do feel a lil better today because of this outlet and support but also when i am here i just cry the whole time...I'm hoping sometimes a good cry is a release, and i can pull myself off the floor when Im done, i have wasted a whole week in this dark place, i cant afford the time there!
Welcome jujubean, people here really KNOW what you are going through, the endless thankless chore you have taken on out of love, has really worn a lot of us down to the nub, and kept on wearing....I hope you find the support you need here to help you find a way to making your life back up, you deserve to have a life too! Jen
I sincerely hope that you can find a place for your mom. What you are dealing with is unjust and a killer. There's links on this site that can help you find the right situation that will work for you in Oregon. I quit my job and moved in with my mom and I still acknowledge it today as the biggest mistake of my life. I got so much support from the caregivers on this site. My mom is gone now and it's important to me to continue to be here for those like you who are imprisoned by Dementia. Let's figure out a way for you to get your life back!
Hope everybody is doing as well as they can with the hands that they have been dealt.
I just need to vent! I am so burned out this week I been in my jammies since tues nite! Its my 9th year of mom w/ ALZ being totally dependant on me. She is conscous but doesn't speak and has not been able to initiate any care for herself. she does not get out of bed or eat drink rx without me directing her to and has been completely incontinent. she would literally sit in her own waste and starve if I did not do those things. let alone maintaining her yard pets n home finances. I am completely lost in her care and haven't had my own life in a long time. what makes it especially hard is I left my home and moved to a new state/town I haven't been able to make any friends and I have no family to speak of, no immediate spouse children or siblings some distant, cousins etc but haven't talked in 20+ ys. I started this 9 ys ago my fiancé left shortly after, I am literally doing this alone singular, and the longer and more she needs the harder it gets This week I just wanna cry... I am so lonely, the ONLY friend I have is a very busy mom hour and a half away. We barely get a visit once every six months. I feel like I am going to break this week, not sure why now but I am just soooooo buuuurrrnnnnneeeed ouuuuuttttt. I have thought some very dark things as since I have no family once mom is gone what will I do, I will be completely alone broke and homeless. How the hell did this happen I just wanted to keep her outta the institution and I have lost my whole life savings and spirit.....I have no happiness or love in my life I am struggling so bad! I have become so depressed in fufulling this act of love and care I promised her. I keep asking myself today WHY? Why are we going thru this routine everyday just to repeat it tomoro....nothing is ever gonna get better and I have nothing when it is over. WHY???? I cant believe I am 100% alone in the world! I am few months shy of 50 ys old have never felt so lonely in my life! I feel like I never want to grow any older/be in the situation my mom is in....especially as I have friends or relatives to have come over n visit me or help with anything. I get away from the house only to the grocery store or pharmacy down the street or 3hr respite Thursdays to go up to town and shop. I talk to the dog most of the time! WTF happened to my life!!!
Know what you mean meanwhile. You have to cut people out of your life who are TOXIC to you that is all you can do. My situation is pathetic, but I do have some boundaries. I won't be guilt-ed into anything or well mean-ed to be a part of the lie. it is a hard thing child abuse. No one expects you to maintain a relationship with strangers who treat you like shit. But once "it's family", it is as if somehow, that should excuse all forms of manipulation, misery, unkindness and cruelty. Just NO.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
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APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
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Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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Stay strong you all and love and thanks to you all!!!
Another issue with the isolaton out here is our neighborhood, I relocated us to a peaceful country foothill setting but had no idea drug n alcohol abuse would run rampant out here..but of course we landed in an area full of it....everytime I drive down to the local market I am sure to pass someone either walking down with the cans or walking up with the beer! one handyman told me look at the cars here always the women driving cuz most men cant get a liscense due to duii/drugs.... another reason I think I tend to keep to myself, I got tired of dealing with drunks, and have no tolerance what so ever for it or the Tweekers!!!! My saving grace is I am at the top of the hill and end of the road so my little corner of the hood is pretty quiet! and I have a beautiful view looking up the mountain and down the valley for miles and the sunset on the other side....just cant really get off the patio to enjoy it rite now. Due to the mess in the yard and the sinkhole....(afraid I will fall thru another and no one will be here this time to help get me out, could be fatal!) Anyway I think I will check in to this site everyday and see what going on....it has saved me this past week....I actually thought maybe the solution was to pack us (ma me and the 3 pets) all in the car and drive it strait off the road into the river!! I don't think I could ever follow thru but the thought creeping into my head was disturbing enuf. but it has passed....now I really think tho, that I probably not be able to do this much longe alone, her needs will become too great and I am too burned out...I DONT KNOW HOW I WILL SOLVE THIS PROBLEM BUT I know her recent injury and mortality scare is a wake up call shocked my outta an 8 yr coma SO I HAVE SO MUCH WORK TO DO AND DONT KNOW WHERE TO START all I know is I have to make our life the best it can be, whatever that entails (institutionalizing her and surviving somehow or ????) We cannot continue living in a CG COMA not good for HER or ME !! (I get very grouchy with her when I am stressing)
Going to make shrimp stir fry and chocolate dipped strawberries for my mom. She will gripe, and criticize, but I just ignore her. The effort is more for my benefit than hers.
Any word from Deef. I sure hope I didn't offend her. Really miss her posts.
"I miss Chicago."
So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker
and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"
Anyway, I thought, I drop by to wish all ya moms a Happy Mom's weekend. I hope everyone else has a great weekend too. ; )
K thanks for reading and I need help/ideas
God bless you all, 1 love!!
And the house is falling apart literally, we have a gaping hole in the roof a sinkhole in the yard, recurring plumbing issues, water heater is about to fall thru the floor and my yard is waste high in weeds n grass...mower n weedeater both took a crap and with mom broken hip, I had to let the yard go!
That rant is meant to say Every aspect of things are a mess right now and we barely make it month to month... I cant pay for therapy, respite, and all these things/help I need.
Today I wonder where in the hell do I start! How do I begin to put my life back together. I need some help with this WHERE DO I START, WHAT DO I DO???
A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
I love that your mom is calling you pretty girl. Hang on to that but I know it doesn't make it any easier to deal with the entire picture.
Don't let anyone or yourself guilt you either. This is insane and you know it on a deep level and that's why you're upset about it.
Palmer! Welcome and yup it's soul killing for sure. Keep venting.
Mom would just drool on me, then laugh her ass off. ohyeah.
Jen and Flex and everybody!
Where's Deef? worried sick about her. Jen! do you know anything?
Cuz! how are you feeling after that smack-up?
Keep writing you guys. It will save your life.
lovbob
Thank you again everyone! It is helpful to vent! God Bless you all!
Welcome to the home of Vent and Live Jujubean!
I sincerely hope that you can find a place for your mom. What you are dealing with is unjust and a killer.
There's links on this site that can help you find the right situation that will work for you in Oregon.
I quit my job and moved in with my mom and I still acknowledge it today as the biggest mistake of my life. I got so much support from the caregivers on this site. My mom is gone now and it's important to me to continue to be here for those like you who are imprisoned by Dementia.
Let's figure out a way for you to get your life back!
Hope everybody is doing as well as they can with the hands that they have been dealt.
love you Cuz,
love you all more than you know,
lovbob
lovCuz
How are you feeling?
haha I was saying amen to the anti depressants. Would have changed so many of our lives.
Better living through chemistry.
lovbob