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The BEST Little Johnny joke I have ever heard!

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited..
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly,
"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that
approach for my obvious success."
"Very good", said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and
I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events""Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box
full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher,
"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip
stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" Then I would say,
"It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method
of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and
then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.Bless his heart.
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Cuz, hope; your brother continues to improve. Have a good friend that went through bypass surgery. He came out of it swearing like a sailor. (no offense Bobbi). But, I had never heard that man swear before. He is doing great now. Hope your brother does too.
Diane, sorry your down. It would be hard not to let all that get to you. Hope you get to enjoy your garden this weekend.
Well, my bruised foot turned out to be broken. Been limping around all week, finally broke down and went to the Dr. Have a cute padded boot now. At least it is a walking boot, but I'm even supposed to sleep in it.
Hope everyone has a good weekend. Love Shirley
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Take care D you may be right about feeling you are losing people you care about, they often go in clumps, take all the time you need say what you need to enjoy the time you have when you can have it and know we have to let them go eventually.
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Hi Y'all, I could never stay away long from my GO family. Nothing new to write about actually. It's work, take care of mom, go to sleep and start again. I'm watching a Hallmark movie while I sit with mom. I have to go to work early tomorrow to help check-in a group of 50 people and then send them on there way to Biltmore Estate. I found out this week my best friend I've known since I was ten found a lump on her breast. She had breast cancer 20 years ago. We will know for sure if it is cancer when she does the biopsy on Tuesday. I know this sounds stupid, but I feel like those closest to me are being taken away. Mom's days are numbered, I worry James will have another heart attack and die, and now my friend may have breast cancer again. I know, I'm being a worry wort. Thinking about this has made me kind of blue and emotional the last few days. Hopefully James and I will get to work out in the garden a little this weekend. The weather should be beautiful. Well I have to go since mom is wanting attention. Have a good weekend all!
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Everyone out of the house, thought ,mom didn't want me to come run errands but turns out she had a list, so I dress, no there she goes, fine I stay home with whining howling dog and Air the house the whole time!

Glad your bro is out and on the mend cuz, tell him to take it easy!

Good weekend all...Jen
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Good morning all. Where is everyone? Spring keeping you away from the computer? Glad your bro is doing better Cuz-complaining is always a good sign-right? haha Deef-I find the spring weather gives me more energy...well, the grey of this morning is not helping that is for sure! But the grass sure is getting green! I am exhausted too and all sweaty by the time I get mom to daycare....makes me want to come back home and shower all over again! I don't know why I think I can pull off a dress-but I am gonna try! Weight Watchers didn't go so well... My fault entirely but it did give me some good ideas. This life is too unpredictable to be having to go to meetings etc. Jen I hear ya! And Cat-good idea to celebrate who you have! Screw the siblings! Sharynmarie-enjoy your days off and good luck with the test results! I am hoping once we get the routine going again mom will be happy with daycare. She really enjoyed yesterday. They give her a lot of attention-I think because she is so sweet! I am blessed that she is! Well, hope this Friday goes ok for all! Hugs to everyone!!! Mame
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Cuz~Glad to hear your brother has improved, I am sure you are feeling good that as well.
Deef~National Sibling Day?? Most of us will celebrate that we don't have to live with them!!
Mame~I hope you got your mom off to daycare without much conflict. I agree that by making it her routine, she will adjust. My mom is not a social butterfly either but everyday I go over her house, she asks "What are we doing today." I know she looks forward getting out and getting attention not just from me.
I am off tomorrow and Saturday, Yay!! I take mom back tomorrow for them to check the skin test and get all the paperwork our dr. filled out yesterday for the AL community. Thank you all for your support, letting me vent with my emotions back and forth. Have a good weekend, tomorrow is suppose to be back in the 80's...maybe I can get the roundup out to spray some of the weeds. Hugs to all!!
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Deef: No, not National Siblings Day. OMG, let me clean the house and make an outstanding dinner............for me and my husband.

Sending love to everyone. Cat
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Mame, I stay away from dresses totally! Haven't worn one in at least 35 years! As a matter of fact, my wedding gown may have been the last! At 5'1" and 25lbs too much, there is no way! Never had a girly shape. Waist and hips almost the same measurement and too much on top. It's amazing how being a care giver can turn your body into the worst shape ever! Been working on mine and lost 6lbs so far, but that took 5 weeks of watching what I eat and exercising twice a day. Goes to show you how much harder it is when you get older. I want to get rid of another 20lbs, so I have a long, hard road ahead of me. But I do feel better and stronger than I have in a while. Three years ago I lost 16lbs on Weight Watchers and looked like I had lost 25. well, I put the 16 back on plus another 10 after getting sick for 2 months with a winter cold.
Keep after your mom for daycare. She will eventually get used to it and come to like it, or at least tolerate it. Mom is in 4 days a week from 9-3 with Wed. off. She is a real handful to get off in the morning and I am exhausted by the time I drop her off! She is usually wiped out when I pick her up and today was cloudy , so I put her in for a nap and she was great after the rest. But some days she is just miserable to deal with afterwards.
This morning I had to go for fasting blood work for my cholesterol. So I had to get myself all ready and then deal with her. Needless to say, she was not cooperating this morning and I couldn't find my car keys or lab slip. By the time I got to the hospital, it was 10, so I was pretty hungry! Glad I brought a coffee with me for the ride home!
Hey Jen! Me either!!
Cuz, hope your brother is okay!
hey to everyone else! Cat, Bobbie, Diane, Kuli, Maxine, Book, Sharyn and sharon,BJ, Mishka? you out there? Shirley,Linda, MsDaisy, how's it going? Yogi, how's Mom? Lildeb, Stormy???? You okay? If I missed you, I didn't mean to!
Okay, time to feed the kitties and hit the pillow! I napped again today. think the weather changes are making me more tired than usual. Night everyone!
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Geese hunting

Leave it to the Nordics
Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner
of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off
and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to...and there was his doctor, Sven.
"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK.
Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove
all of da buckshot."
"What's the bad news?", asks Ole. "The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot
damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena." "Well, I guess that
isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?" "Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute
player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers,
so you don't piss in your eye."
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I like Cowboys...

Cowboy Wisdom

Cowboy:"Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier:"Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy:"Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
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Well my brother made it out of ICU into the intermediate ICU and they took the vent out at 5:30am. His blood pressure was 157/70 and they were concerned about that but they said that rest will bring that down. I talked with him a little bit and he said he hurt like hell, so he must be doing better. Thanks again for all the well wishes. You gals are a great support group. Hugs to you all.
luvCuz
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HAHAHA Deef! Ok, maybe I will celebrate 2 of the 6...
Mom went to daycare! I got to go shop and try on dresses for another wedding coming up the end of May... Got to see how fat I am an how bad I look in most dresses! Ha. Oh well, I am what I am. Mom was happy to be back but confused-they noticed too. She will sleep good tonight! (I hope! God knows this kind of thing can have the opposite effect!)
I hope everyone gets a good nights sleep! Mame
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so not celebrating that...
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Did you all know that today is National Siblings Day??? Wonder how many of us will be celebrating that one!!!
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Oh Sharonmarie! My heart aches for you! You seem to be doing all the right things and have the right mind set for what is to come. This is soooo hard! Great idea about the Xanax and taking time to deal with your emotions.You have to take care of you. I remember when mom went to a rehab for 3 weeks after being very sick. I thought I would be soooo happy to have the time to myself-it would be like a vacation. Wow-was I in for a surprise! My emotions went to a place I had never imagined. I didn't know what to do with myself and was completely out of sorts. I hadn't realized how connected I was to all that is mom. Without her I was lost. Thank God for medication and a wonderful counselor who helped me through it. Do what you need to do for you! Sorry your sister changed the plan... You will get through it-just do the best you can. Lose the guilt and have the firm belief in your head that this is the right and safe and best thing for your mom and that will help you with the confindence to get through. Talk to a counselor if you can-even just a visit or 2 can make a world of difference! Positive thoughts and prayers for you esp on the 20th Sharon!

Cuz-how scary for you all! Hoping this morning brings good news and a good start on the road to recovery for your bro. And always the jokes-thanks for those!
Deef-pink fuzzy handcuffs eh? HaHa! It is too bad that health aids cannot be counted on. What is it with that? They are kind of notorious for not showing up. Glad hubby can get out from under foot and have fun with the guys again. It is so hard to keep everyone in the house entertained...Exhausting. Mom thinks it is funny when I refer to them as "the girls" too! Glad you don't have to pay the irs this year!
Cat-thank you for that! So sweet. How are you doing?
Hey Jen and Bobbie and the rest of the gang!
Well, if mom won't go to daycare at least one day a week they are kicking her out! So, I better get her moving as we are going to try again today. I explained it to her yesterday, and she says she will go, but we will see! I can just see me dragging her out of bed and sending her in her pjs! She has always been a homebody but she needs some social interaction...and it is nice to have several hours to myself-and it is cheaper than having the woman at the house sitting with her! Fingers crossed!
Rained a ton yesterday-high of 54 early in the day and dropped. We need the rain so I am not complaining... just want that temp to go up not down!!!
Have a decent day all! Mame
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Bobbie~My dil's mother does leave us alone now. When I visited last May, I apologized to her (not because I did anything wrong) to keep the peace between us. We both agreed that we would be cordial to each other when we are together and we have different beliefs we are not willing to compromise on. Unfortunately, she lives next door to my son so avoiding her is impossible. Your boat sounds like a lot of hard work and worth it for the lifestyle you want. I envy you for that!! I love the mountains and would love to have a place in the mountains to retreat to. I am not much for organized religion, but I have my beliefs and when I am in the mountains I feel so at peace with God as I know Him. Keep working on your boat no matter how hard the work is, it will pay off for you in the end.

Deef~Yes the community is very accommodating. My mom will always have an escort, they will check on her in the evenings, remind her to walk her dog, plus she will be kept very busy in the activities in the memory care unit where she can bring her dog on a leash. I am grieving this move not only because of the loss to my mom, but also because I have been so focused on her welfare, that I am going to be lost not having to go over her house daily. I will visit her very often after she gets acclimated. I want her to make friends with the other residents because I know she is lonely for companionship in her own age group. The move is planned for April 20th. I am stressed because my sis and I had agreed that we would take mom out shopping while my hubby and our nephews moved her furniture, set up the bed,etc. Now sis has backed out saying she needs to orchestrate the move, make sure the bed is properly made. Now I have to take her out and be the one by myself to bring her there while my sister gets to be part of the welcoming committee. I feel very let down by my sister putting this on me, she not grasp how hard it is going to be for me to be the one who brings her to a community. I took mom to the dr. today for a TB skin test. I asked him to script me Xanx because I am wore out emotionally,physically and I want to be able to give my mom a 1/2 a pill on the day of the move as well as take 1/2 for me. He said no problem. I also talked with him about going out on leave after mom's move. I am on vaca next week. He said when I am ready to do that just make an appt. and we can get the paperwork filled out. I may apply for the FMLA because we still have mom's house to contend with, probably an estate sale and neither I nor my sis want to do the landlord thing. We both have emotional attachments to the house we grew up in and if I could work it out to sell our house and buy out my two brothers and my sister I would do it in a heartbeat. This is very hard for me because I have a strong emotional attachment to my mom. I became her surrogate spouse when I was 12 yrs. old. My siblings all left home at that time. I became mom's confidant and she continued to poison me against my dad. This why I want some time off work to deal with my emotions. Thanks for letting me vent and get all this out. Hugs to everyone and btw, it was 86 here today, time for the a/c!!
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Hey, Mame: Didn't mean to leave you out. You are so special to me.
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Sending love to Deef and Cuz. Heartfelt wishes to both of you.
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Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.
4. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
5. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
6. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
7. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
8. QUIET PLEASE WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

9. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

10. WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.
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The Deaf Wife Problem

Dave feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. So, not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking volume see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.
Then in a normal voice he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?
No response.....
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

(I just love this). . . . .
'For God sake, Dave, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
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Update on my brother Mike

He went under at 8:15am today and at 10:30am the nurse came out and said that
they could not clamp the main vessel going to the heart because there was to much calcium inside the vessel. They actually had to keep the heart beating while they did the three bypasses. 12:30pm they said we could meet with the surgion to ask questions. He said everything went as well as expected and they would have him in recovery. 3:30pm they finally said we could go back and see him but he wouldn't be awake because of the sedation. He was on the ventalater ( the big tube in your throat) because his lungs were not working. He had 9 little bags of medicene and 4 big bags. His neck was blowed out bigger than heck. They said that it would be 12 to 14 hours before they might be able to tell if he can breathe on his own. We stood there for awhile and decided we might as well go home and rest and see what tommorrow brings. He has a lot of people praying for him so we are just going to see what happens from here. Thanx for all the prayers.

lovCuz
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Sharonmarie, sounds like you found a nice place for your mom. Hope it works out for you. It will be nice to know she is well taken care of and you can visit when you have time.
LilDeb, Sewing mil's pockets together! FUNNY!!! Wonder how long she would work at them before she realized they were sewed shut! I am so tempted to get fuzzy pink handcuffs for Mom! She is constantly sucking on her fingers and grabbing at anything within her reach! So glad you got some rest time. You really needed it for your health.
Cuz, sounds like things are under control in your neck of the woods. Hope your bro's surgery went well today! My dad had bypass surgery at 46 back in 1974, in Boston. There were very few doctors or hospitals doing it back then. It was pretty scary. He was in the hospital for 16 days.
Cat, I don't remember the last time I roasted a chicken! The local store has rotisserie chickens that they call "SuperBirds" and they are 5lbs and delicious. I can get one piping hot for $8.99 and it's the best tasting chicken ever! There is always enough for a hot meal, chicken salad and soup.
Mame, love the full moon story! I started telling mom to tuck her "girls"(whats left of them) into her bra a couple years ago, and she thinks that is the funniest thing ever! Sorry your mom refuses to get up for daycare. Mom is no longer able to make the connection, so unless she is really sick, she goes! At least your brother visited! Been warm here the last 3 days and is raining now. Supposed to get cold for a day or two and warm up again.
Jen, I don't get the whole asparagus thing either! I don't like the taste and it makes your pee an ugly color and smell!
Sharon5252, Venting is good, and even better here because we all understand! Sorry your mom's ex was such a douche! You definitely are entitled to some anger!
Patti, Hi there! So easy for us to make those kinds of mistakes when you take into account how tired and stressed we all are!
Bobbie!!!! I'm okay, just really tired. My shoulder is throbbing and now my sciatic nerve is acting up on my right butt cheek! I'm going to talk to the doctor about my shoulder and try to get an MRI to determine if I tore the rotator cuff again. I can't afford to have the bone sawing through my last tendon. I don't want to go through that surgery again, but I don't want to lose the use of my arm either!
Diane, sounds like you are having good luck with Hospice! As long as mom is comfortable, that is all that counts. Hope you can get some rest in between.
Mom is getting harder to handle. She was wired this morning!!! I thought I was going to have to wrap her in bungee cords to keep her down! Pill time, getting dentures in and feeding her breakfast was impossible! I finally had to yell at her to calm down! I walked away for a few minutes and let her stew, and it took forever to get her to eat all of her breakfast.
My help did not show up at noon, so I had to text Merry and ask her if anyone was coming. I was supposed to help my gf clean the apartment she's moving into at the end of the month. So Merry finished her other job and got here for 1:30. She thought Karina was coming today.
So I got to help my friend and then she took me to dinner. That was nice to fo out for a change, and come home to Mom in bed and my husband gone out to play cards! H Two of the guys went to Florida for 2 months, so he was here 24/7. Now I get a break for a couple hours, 2 nights a week. Yippee!!!
I did get our taxes and Mom's done on Saturday. Had to pay in for the first time last year, so I was really nervous this year. Mom is getting a check back from federal and had to pay $12 to the state. So that was good. We owed taxes, but out income was so low, it put us in the non-tax status!!! So we don't get a refund, but we don't have to pay either!!! That made me so happy!!!
Well, my husband just walked in and I have a sink full of dishes as usual, so I guess I better get moving. Hope you all have a good night and get more sleep than I do!
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well least they was both cleaners not something really weird....hair spray? bug killer eww.
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Welcome Sharon52 and Patti! Nice of you to join us with your stories! Funny, angry-no matter-just come and vent to people who do understand!

Mom would not get out of bed to go to daycare yesterday for her 1st day back...boy was I riproaring mad! Gonna try again Thursday! Then one bro who she doesn't see much was passing thru late afternoon so he called and asked if he could make a quick visit so I guess it was meant to be! She enjoyed it. That is all that really matters I guess.
Nothing really worth mentioning going on here really. Have a not too bright woodpecker that keeps pecking my chimney pipe-hilarious! Sooooo loud revirberating into the house-scares you to death if you don't know what it is! Rainy day here. Was gorgeous yesterday!
Glad they are tending to your bro Cuz! Hello to everyone else out there! Mame
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It's ok Sharon and of course that would get to Mother Theresa.
Sorry your mom's x is such an a$$wipe. That's a terrible story and I am so sorry for you and your mom. How awful.
Here's hoping that you both have brighter days even though someone did you both a terrible turn.

Cuz! Tell Mike that we all are thinking of him!

DEEF!! How are you feeling?

Love to everyone but I am too pooped to pop here and have no horsepower to call out to all but please know that all of you come across what's left of my mind every single day.

lovbob
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having a little anger today ,sorry everyone. sometimes it just gets to me.
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Thats funny,today was a busy nightmare with taxes and fighting for moms pension.her x didn't want her after she got sick,and i am glad he was a mean sob and she is much happier,but now they want her back pension since the final Big D.but karma got him i hear he's in a home now instead of my mom.I have a lot of anger at him because half or more of her issue were caused by him.He let all her spinal fluid leck out of her head after a brain tumor and when i got there to care for her for the day she told me her head was leaking and he told her to shut up and go to sleep.When i got there he said your mom druelled or spilled water on the bed. her whole pillow and mattress was wet,so i went to call for help but he would not let me so i put her in the car and right in front of er she had a mass stroke.So he can rot in hell for all i care.she has never been the same.
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Here's a funny. I was cleaning up after Mom in the bathroom last night and I thought I had the Scrubbing Bubbles. I started to spray the tub with Sprayn'Wash. I went to put some on the panties and realized what I was doing! lol ! I thought I was OK, but I was loosing it!
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cuz it sounds like everybody is pulling through Ok there!
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