Grossed out and need to vent—I just caught Mom using my toothbrush to comb her hair!

Thank you mane and Deef, and bobbie and lildeb and diane and Yogi. Is it any wonder he acted like he thought my talking TO OTHER PEOPLE ABOUT THE ABUSE on a blog was stupid, bother much? I bet he is. That he "Opened the can of worms" and has decided he reeeeellly doesn't want it, is telling. WHAT was he thinking really!? Guess it isn't all hunky dory then is it jerko. My God why think anything has changed..Clearly it hasn't BUT I HAVE.
I do see it Yogi, and I would never let my inner child down by putting up with his adult grade abusive and dismissive behaviors! When I wrote I heard our Dad in him that I didn't know what was TRUE FEELING AND WHAT WAS MANIPULATIVE bs HE BACKED OFF.
That he called me passive aggressive for telling others, requested I "Not demon ize him for the rest of his life or was it my life, he said? and that he thinks it not a good idea to discuss the issues with people on line is like telling me and himself at 18 "I'm not gonna tell any one about...? Mhhhnm I see....

And I DO see.

Thank you everyone for your support and ideas and comments they mean a lot to me!

There is sliding fee scale therapy, I might look into that for if anything just to "decompress" (his word) on this latest fiasco of his.

Jen and Yogi-my heart aches for you. The injustice of what has happened and continues to happen is just incredible. How dare they act like nothing happened-or threaten, or act like they are the victim...God damn them... And He will...but here you live with the scars-and for them to try and minimize what has happened to you! Holy Cow-it is just unbelievable! Please know that you are good people, wonderful people and you did not and do not deserve what they did and are doing to you. Don't give them power over you-be strong. Jen-you were right not to accept his gift...and Yogi-you were right to tell his daughter etc. They are so screwed up! And they are just making excuses. They know. They have just lied so long to themselves and others...they will try and manipulate every thing they can to make themselves look good. I am so sorry for what you have gone through and what they are doing and trying to do now. I wish I could help you get through this. Money for counseling-whatever you need-I wish I could give it to you. This world can be so unkind... But there are many of us who are not! We are out here! You are not alone and you are loved!!!!! I am praying for you! Mame

List of foods to avoid with diverticulitis.
Nuts, Seeds and Skins
Foods containing nuts, seeds and tough skins can irritate the intestinal tract and should be avoided during a bought of diverticulitis. Foods such as nuts, sesame seeds, corn, popcorn and most raw fruits and vegetable skins and membranes should also be avoided. Baked potatoes are acceptable if the skin is removed. Seeds found in many fruits and vegetables such as tomatoes, zucchini, cucumbers, strawberries and raspberries should be avoided. Foods products made with these seeds such as yogurt should also be avoided. Certain legumes, such as lentils and dried beans should also be avoided due to the skins and high fiber content. Consumption of raw and dried fruits such as raisins should be avoided. Well-cooked vegetables without seeds or skins are acceptable as well as canned fruits and fruit juice without the pulp.
Lildeb, please read this. Do not feed Mil raisins and cranberries. It will give her an attack. You will have to make sure she doesn't eat any of this stuff to keep her from painful attacks. Family members have had this problem. At least you know what it is now.
KNow what you mean about tired! Mom is doing well adjusting to four days at daycare, but I'm not. Having to get her up and there and back is killing me! That's 8 times a week lifting her in and out of the car. I only have outside help on Wednesday afternoons and the weekends, so I have to get her up almost every day and to bed 5 days a week without help. Oh , and the bed collapsed again last night after I got her in bed.
I met a friend at the grocery store and her husband was in the hospital. He had surgery for blocked carotid arteries. He is also suffering from emphysema. She had to have one of their dogs put down this morning and she got up to frozen pipes in her house! I feel like a wimp when I whine about my problems after listening to hers!
Jen, I agree with Diane about your brother! He needs to leave you alone! And you are dealing with your situation as best you can. What a dickhead!
I started a post earlier this evening, but heard there was a house on fire down the street from us. So we bundles up and walked down to see what was going on. there was smoke pouring out of the attic windows, but no flames. Guess it was something electrical in the walls. After standing in 15 degrees for an hour, we headed back home. The Red Cross found shelter for the family until they can figure out what happened. It actually hit 20 degrees today and was less windy.
Bobbie,how did the boat move go? Ankle feeling any better?
Kuli, I can't even count how many times Mom and I ended up sitting on the curb in front of the house because she sat down there after getting out of the car. Then there are the 5 front stairs that we used to fall up! I surprised one of us hasn't broken our neck yet!
Yogi, you are a very strong person and I hope you get to be with your mom again soon.
Need to get myself to bed soon. I'm meeting former coworkers for lunch in Sturbridge tomorrow. Jen, we're doing the Chinese buffet! None of us has any extra $$, so the $6.99 buffet will do! It's snowing lightly, but should be fine tomorrow for the 30 minute drive.
Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Deefer,5 freaking frigging degrees, I cannot even think of such a thing! Stay warm.

Sharyn, I agree this is a personal choice however, remember that you still have your life too.

Bobbie, glad to be here too.

I still feel overly tired n worn out. I actually fell out to sleep around 11ish last night n didn't wake up til 9am! Yet, I still feel tired n drained.
Update on the mil:
Found out she has only one roid n its not bad enough for any prescription or treatment of otc.However, she does have diverticulitis. Dr called something n while we were at his office. We left to pick it up n it was same crap she was on for over a month. I Had to call the office back n told the reception about the situation n that if he had looked at her med list he would had saw it! She pulled her chart n she even saw it too. She went to talk to him while I have them on my cell-phone, with the mil at the pharmacy. It is just minuets don't cost nothing. Yeah right! Finally, they said they called something in called, Canasas. I told her thank you n we waited on it to be filled. Of course, they had none in their pharmacy. Now the pharmacy was on a mission to see if any other W/D place had it. He could had order it but she needed something quick for we have been dealing with this way too long. Finally, another store had 15 n between the cost of the drug n her deductible because it was Jan, it was over $300.smackaroos!. Actually, it was 359.99 before insurance! Boy, they better work.

I am also putting the mil on some fiber too for that should help keep her from getting constipated. I actually got her to eat some oatmeal this morning even though she said she didn't like it. I kept telling her it was good for her so she ate it. ; ) For supper I made a pork-roast, carrots n collard greens with rolls. I overly cook the roast so it was a little touch. Mil won't eat any meal that requires more than five chews. I at least got her to eat a small bowl of greens, carrot n a roll. Shew! She has some fiber n her now. Now, if I can keep that up to keep her from getting constipated so much. I am pushing more fluids too for her to drink.
It just so hard with her constantly arguing just to get her to drink sometimes besides colas. However, I know if she don't we will be back at dr's office for something. Frankly, I am tired of dr's office n hospitals for past two weeks.
I got her nibbling on dried raisins n cranberries to help her too. Hopefully, this will help prevent another UTI n possible ease the diverticulitis too.
I talk to the hubby about his mom has money n bank n that I need to get a whole day break either someone here or at a day care n he agreed. Hopefully, when she starts to feel better I can get a break so I can breath.

I hope everyone has a good weekend.

Jen, you are right that it will NEVER go away. However, you ARE a SURVIVOR, now. No longer a victim. Do NOT let him make you feel you are a victim because you are NOT. Try to comfort your inner child. Say or do things that make(s) your inner child feel the love, concern, comfort, safety and protection that you should have received. It sounds goofy but it does work. Pi** on your bro... He will NEVER understand what he did to you emotionally and mentally and doesn't care. He has memories, I guarantee it. Sorry all you men, but guys think with their penises. NOT ALL ARE MOLESTERS AND/OR RAPISTS. The rapists and molesters are monsters. I will not call them sick as there isn't a cure for it and people have sympathy for those who are sick. He is not wanting to accept the blame or take on the guilt. He figures if he says he doesn't remember you'll have to forget about it. I wouldn't accept his "friendship" offer either.

When my bro took my mom from me, he told me NOT to bring up my past as an excuse. I told my bro that I NEVER hurt my mom as much as he did for what he did! I believe this is why he is keeping my mom and I from seeing/talking to one another. They are manipulative and continue to stay manipulative. Don't trust him! Sue

Thank you bobbie, Diane and Yogi. I agree. It is insane and he is a jerk, but he just doesn't see it, he really must just NOT see it. And finding me damaged, and destroyed and not able to just "have some sort of normal relationship with him" must have really made him look at this in a way he really doesn't want to.
I told my mom when I was 13/14 and she said: "I am glad it happened with D and not someone outside the family we don't know." The shrink is right it will NEVER go away, short of dementia, a traumatic brain injury or drug usage it is always going to be IN THERE. there is no around only through you can pack it into a smaller package maybe and take it out now and then to air it but it Can never be gone.
I don't know what the hell he was expecting but this clearly wasn't it. And I am pretty sure he doesn't want this mess that is his abuse past with / of his sister to infringe on his life now, The pone he has made becasue he is so "resilient" Mr. has no memories and doesn't feel guilt of abusing me, Reliance, in this case, is a new word for denial I think.
He said see you in Spring take care of Grandpa when you can. Up yours, what do you know, you want come scrape his feces off the walls?..I didn't think so.
Why should I even have a doubt we never got along, he never liked me NOTHING has changed. Well nothing there anyhow. I am stronger now and I will chose my life. And I chose to pass on the offer of "friend ship" out of his pity or denial or confusion. Yeah, I think I would like the outside perspective of a therapist on this.
It will have to be free...or practically free....Gah what a mess.
Every now and then I see myself stealing his credit card getting a ticket far away going and never coming back. But people who can do that are either sociopaths, or a lot stronger than I am....
beh....


Thank you all for your responses and any that come later...Jen

JSomebody,
I was raped by my bro from the time I was 9-13. I told my mom when I was 14. NOTHING was ever done about it because my bro was 18 when I told my mom and she said he was too old to have anything done or to force him to get help. It was swept under the carpet. Four years later, at 18, I confronted my mom and asked why nothing was done after I told her my bro raped me. My mom flat out said she didn't know what to do. Fast forward 2 more years and it was a total of 6 years AFTER it ended and I still didn't receive any help. I was suicidal. I sought out a therapist. One who I had for about a year. She said she didn't have a magical wand for it to go away and I told her I was tired of coming to her because I would talk about the same thing and I wasn't getting anywhere. She had a smirk and said that's it. You can't do anything about it. It's over and done with. Didn't help. Several years later I talked to my bro. He had two boys. I asked if they were going to have anymore kids. He said he didn't know. I told him if they did, and it was a girl, I would spend the rest of my life in prison because I would kill him if he laid a hand on her. Supposedly he had told his wife what happened when we were kids. I do not believe he did. This past Sept. my mom's BF got sick and was hospitalized. My bro told me to go over to my mom's as I had taken care of her and her BF 6 years prior and prior to that just my mom. As I was taking care of my mom I started having severe anxiety attacks. I was there 24/7 I had cared for my mom for at least 15 years. Her BF and her had lived in my house with me. Anyway, I texted my bro and sis that I needed a break, that I had my own life and I couldn't do it by myself anymore. My mom and I had always been BFF's. When I couldn't care for my mom anymore, my bro got mad. Mad because his life was inconvenienced. My sis had always said she would never care for my mom or dad as they aged because they should have made plans to have themselves cared for. (My sis was molested by my dad and my parents long divorced.) Anyway, my bro has made sure since the beginning of Oct. last year that I not talk/see my mom. I changed my phone number, email address, blocked my roomates phone from his calls, as he has bullied, threatened, harrassed and lied to me. He has never nor will he ever accept responsibility for what he has done to me. Years ago I forgave him so I could forgive myself and close that chapter. With what he has done with my mom, me not being able to see/talk to her, he has taken what power I had in my life away. So I thought. I have been going to counseling and getting spiritual guidance. My bro will have to stand in front of God and answer for what he did to me when I was a child and for not allowing my mom to see/talk to me. I wrote a letter to his daughter, now 24, and told her to watch her kids/future kids and to inform her brothers to be careful with their kids around their father and grandfather. I don't know whether they'll believe me or not. But I told the truth to protect their kids and I won't have any guilt. My bro kept his family away from us because I know he was afraid I would give up the family secrets. Secrets no more.

They know how badly they hurt us but they lack the emotional perspective and guilt for what we have gone through in our lives. They just don't want to accept blame. Or own the guilt that is theirs. I'm 51 and still not totally over it. However, I refuse for him to ruin anymore of my life. Suicidal attempts, negative thoughts of myself and any guilt or blame. I was an innocent child. The adult me now comforts the child me when needed for the comfort, protection and safety that was not provided for/to me as a child. That's not to say I don't get depressed or suicidal anymore just less and further between.

Please, all you need to forgive is yourself, love youself and care for you. Your bro will have to stand before God and explain why he did what he did to you!
Hugs

Jen, your brother is an a$$hole.

Jen,
You are none of it.
He is. Can, Worms and resident dirt.

Maybe you have tapped into it when you think that he may see all of this as mutual instead of him abusing you. (which he did)
As far as I have read, this is supposed to be very common with abusers.

Hopefully someone else with more experience in this will chime in.

I bet he has a clue about how wrong he was and how hurt you are but maybe no clue on how to process it all to where he can deal with it.
Jeeze, I hope you can grieve it like someone would grieve the loss of an innocence or the loss of someone you loved (like yourself).
Maybe you processing it in grief might work. Who cares what will work for the Worm.
Love you Jen!
Keep Venting!

Linda!
What a terrible dream! I hope that you find something peaceful to think about as you are drifting off to sleep. Remember to breathe and try to be calm.

Poor Linda I know how much you miss your Pa.
You don't have AD you have the complicated grief that follows full time caregiving of someone you love so much.
Be easy on yourself.

That should go for all of us.
We need to be easier on ourselves.

Kuli! Deef! Cuz! Everybody!

Love you guys way more than you'll ever know.
lovbob

EX-brother wrote back, apparently he'd been trying to send me an email for a month, really? Anyhow, I don't know why the hell I should have expected anything else, he used terms like "can of worms" and "pick at that scab". The jist I get is he sort of expected me to be over his abuse of me and in finding I am not "over it" he doesn't really want anything to do with me now....Great great, back to where we were. A little more information that confirms more abuse possibilities, but no real connection possible. fact is he was NEVER nice to me and we NEVER got along. Had there not been any sexual abuse we still would never have been close.
I gave him what he wanted, I said I forgive you and release you from anything you did to me(that I remember. which is far more than he does, for when I mentioned incident of abuse he remember not a one) I said I don't want it on my conscience if anything happens to him period, and I don't want to carry it around anymore. A. I will be carrying it around. B. So will he, even though he apparently has done his damnedest to minimize this issue in his life. I think he sees these incidents as mutual incest not abuse of me by him. Great great just what I need. His response to my email and the post I wrote here that some encouraged me to send to him, which I am glad I did as it shows yes I have support and people on my side thank you! He really said, dismissively,and snotty like that I am entitled to post on any blog what ever I want and get 3rd forth and 5th party opinions about all this (ah still hiding are we?) He was defensive and definitely took a few pages out of our dead fathers manipulative, cold, selfish book to cover himself. He agreed we have different experiences and views, I think he meant to save me in some way and when I, the Can of Worms so to speak, turned out to be, yes, still angry, sad and damaged and yes viewing myself as the victim, he has decided to back off. He wrote that he won't be contacting me again. Great just great. He really had no f*&ing clue did he? Does he?! He said: "See you in Spring" when he comes to do yard work for mom IF she asks him to.

WHAT in the Hell was he expecting from me? This?
"Can of worms" Am I the Can, the worms, or the whole container full of slimy squrimie wormies?

Comments welcome..

3rd 4th or 5th hand!

good morning you all .
kuli - i sure was smiling the whole time i was reading your post . sounds like something pa would do . once i told him to stay in the van while i run and pay car insurance , my mil was also in the van . figuring they both be ok . NOT !!!! a strange lady came into ins office and ask who is linda . i said its me .. she said ur dad s in t he bank hollaring for linda . oh gawd i ran out and went into the bank and dad s a smilin away askin me what took so long . i told u to s tay in the van pa !!! then i thought my mil !! whew shes still in the van begin a good girl ! never again i leave pa inthe van alone . hell he still had his mind , there s a moments he didnt have his mind , i learned that quick ...
i had dream 2 times that i didnt know where i was , i got turned around and was sooo more confuse than ever ! i cried askin someone to call home , gave em my ph number and they laugh said u gave me wayy too many numbers . i said how many numbers is it suppose to be , they said 3 , i was shocked and was turned around even more .
now i know how alz feels . cuz i felt thier pain and thier confusing . now im livin in fear that i ll have alz too !!!! i hate it !!! i dont ever wants to dream it again . twice is plenty enuff ! its worst than a bad dream ...
u all stay warm xoxo

Deef~It is a personal choice and one that we all have to make regarding our family dynamics. I wish I had a more loving relationship with my mother but she was not capable of that because of her personality disorder. I admire and respect all of you who are living with your loved one and caregiving 24/7. Do I love my mother...yes absolutely or I would not be doing what I am doing now. My heart breaks daily and not a day goes by that I am not in tears over her decline. I know all of you are probably doing the same. My father also passed away from Alzheimer's Disease. I spent all my free time helping my mother while I worked and still had two children in school. It is a horrible disease that we all hate and I wish with all my heart there was better medication to help the patient. Bless you all and thank you for letting me vent and all the feedback you have given me. Now we wait for the neurologist appt. on Feb. 11. Hugs to all of you!!

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out,

"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,

"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,

"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the
hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help!
My beard is
stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies,
"Hurts, don't it?!"

Cold it was -5 when I went out to shovel this morning. It got up to 15 this afternoon and right now its about 2 and we are going to get another 4" tommorrow. We have about 4" on the ground here but 15 miles west of us they have 14" on the ground with another 4 to 8 coming. I love it but how come the snow is missing us. Hugs to you gals
luvCuz

Reading your post, Deef, I was remembering a time I took dad to the dentist. It was snowing and very icy and you had to park parallel to the sidewalk to get closest to the office. I know I told him at least 3 times to stay in the car, in his seat, until I could come around to his side of the car to help him out. Did he listen? Of course not. So I get around to the passenger side and he has one foot out that has now slid under the car. As I try to help and he tries to straighten up, now both feet are sliding UNDER the car. I can only thank the wonderful person who happened to be passing by and asked if we needed help. I said PLEASE!. It took both of us to keep him from ending up completely under the car. When I asked why he didn't wait for me, he said he would have been fine. "I" was the one who made him lose his balance. OMG. I was so pi**ed at him that day. He, too, assumed the stiff as a board posture during this whole thing. I was almost ready to let him end up under the car just to teach him a lesson. Love you Deef ~ Kuli

Stay Warm D!

Packing my bags!!!! I WISH!!!! Full moon on Sunday and Mom is gearing up already.
I love to cook, but why oh why do I dirty so many dishes, pots and pans and utensils? Takes me longer to clean up than it does to cook!
When I got Mom into bed tonight, The bed collapsed,AGAIN!!! Had to get my daughter to help me, AGAIN!!! We had to take off the mattress so that we could replace the three support boards under the box spring. Mom was sitting in the wheelchair the whole time, waving her undies around. Always some kind of drama going on here.
Sure was cold getting her to daycare this morning. Not good for my Raynauds and to top it off I have urticaria, so when my extremities warm back up, I break out in hives. If there is one thing I have learned in the last 20 years, it's do not scratch! It only makes it worse!
The wind made it feel like minus 15. We had to go out and get birdseed and a few other things and it took me a while to thaw out before I had to go out again and get Mom. Tomorrow morning is supposed to be the last of the really cold for a while. We sure have gotten spoiled the last few winters here. the only reason we have any snow on the ground is it has been too cold for it to melt. Supposed to be forties and rainy by the middle of next week. I filled the bird feeders this afternoon and even they didn't come out in the cold to eat at the time they usually do.
Still waiting for the seat pads to come in for Mom's wheelchair at daycare. It will make it a lot easier for them and she will be more comfortable. At least they bring her chair out to the car when we get there. I don't have to take the transport one out of the trunk to get her in.One less step for me! At least she sat right down in the car today. Tuesday she pulled one of her stiff as a board postures and wouldn't bend her knees or at the waist to sit in the car. It got awfully cold trying to get her into the seat. When I put her to bed tonight, I laid her on her side to get the pressure off the sore on her tail bone. It was better this morning, but opened up a bit again after sitting in her chair at daycare.
Guess I had better pay some attention to my kitties! They are all sitting around me with their big eyes. Night !

The Big 26000!!

DEEF!!
Boat Time!

lovbob

God Jen! Fricking freezing here! Down to 5 degrees already and still windy.

Deefs got it, and knows it, lives it, do whats best for both of you.

Sharyn, it is a personal choice and you seem to know what you need to do, so go with your gut! I'm already into this for 5 years and if I had to do it over, I probably still would, but that's me. I have lived in the family owned apartment building my whole life and have always been here for Mom. Dad died 31 years ago at the young age of 54 and being the oldest of seven nearest to Mom, I was the one who became her go to person for everything. She never drove and my 2 youngest of 7 siblings were still at home, so I was the one she relied on all these years.
You are doing the right thing for everyone and I hope you can keep your mom at home for a little while longer with outside help. It would give you time to get all her things in order. Good luck!

Agree with bobbie and msdaisy too, she may need to be placed especially if the cognitive losses are increasing at the rate you notice, even if she does not. No shame, a loss of some of her control but for her safety sake it may simply be her time to be looked after full time.

Sharyn...I agree with the others. It is not safe for your mom to be on her own. She is a danger to herself. It sounds a lot like my mother, she was diagnosed with progressive dementia back after a fall in July. I lost her Jan 9th. The decline is so fast and comes so unexpected. But if you are truly concerned for her well being, get her evaluated and have the doctors recommend her to a nursing facility. If she qualifies or is already on medicaid it's beneficial. I wouldn't waste any time...she needs help. I also suggest you get as much help as needed. It's a stressful journey...if you do it alone I fear for you. My mom went from good to worst in a matter or months. I'll pray for you and your mom.. Good luck and God bless.

Sharyn,
Good Call.

I am one of those people who quit their job and changed my whole life around and it did not work out well for me.
Worked out great for mom but totally kicked my ass.

You have your ducks in a row and know your instincts.
Good for you and wish I knew then what you know now.

lovbob

Thank you Austin and Deef~ I am not planning on quitting my job. Even though I am married, it gives me an independence that I am not willing to give up. I make my car payment with my check and have 2 more years to pay on it. I want financial choices without having to rely solely on my husband. We got the appt. with the neurologist for Feb. 11. I went over to mom's house early to check on her and I took the letter from American Water Resource so she can't read it over and over and obsess over it. She told me yesterday the letter was threatening her.

My mom is all electric except for the pilot light to the central heat. She has a living trust, the house included in that. She has the LTC policy with pays up to...I think...$350,000. Then she has money with Charles Schwab, so she would not qualify for medicaid or medi-care. I do not feel quilt in placing her in a SNH. I know many may think that is horrible of me but the reality is that I have honored my father and my mother in so many ways and do not believe that God is asking me to put my physical, mental, and spiritual health on the line to care for her 24/7 365 days a year. I will in no way neglect her needs or well being.My mother is a very abusive person and if I lived with her, she would destroy me in no time. I am a very patient person, but my marriage comes first. Right now my concern is to keep her safe, fed and well taken care of. We hope as a family that we can keep her home another 6 months with home health care helping. Every change my mother experiences throw her forward in the disease with rapid decline so I do question whether placing her now is best or having home health care help for six months. Either way she will progress but waiting 6 months with help then placing her is going to be a double blow to her decline. She no longer drives, my sister has her car. I am hearing what you are saying Austin and I agree with you. I read too many stories of people giving up their job to care for a loved one and how it made their lives a financial ruin or has taken such a physical and mental toll on them that it destroyed their marriages. It tears me up emotionally when she gets panicked thinking a phone call or an advertisement is threatening her. I am a wimp when someone start to cry when in pain or panicked. So on to something lighter. Yesterday when I got to work a fabric softener sheet fell out of my pant leg, we had a good laugh about it. Then my co-worker told a story of her husband who only wears cargo shorts with velcro fasteners on the pockets. He was walking to his truck on emorning and felt something different as he walked. He looked down and his daughter's thong was stuck to the velcro, Lol!! It is moments like this at work that I could not stop working, I need the comradery!! Thanks for letting me vent, I have so much going on in my head right now and I really appreciate the feedback from you all.!!

Sharyne I feel you mom needs to be placed-it sounds like she is not coping well at all right now and may be even worse then you think she probably hides things from you I think having someone stay with her for a day or two is a good idea. If she were placed the NH would get the LTC faster than you could imagine and then she would be on medicaide which the social worker would do right because they are in busniess for the money even though they would have you believe otherwise-maybe you could use some of her money to see an elder lawyer-I had to in order to get half my husbands pension -in the years he was disabled we got 30 thousand dollars less then we would have f he had taken his full pension the union was playing me for a fool I kept hearing 90 more days and don't call us again or you will get nuttin-the actual words she use -one letter from my lawyer and I started getting the checks. Please do not give up your job-not one person during the last 4 years who did -well there was one-but the others were so sorry that they did give up their jobs. Where I live teachers are taking CNA jobs-it is bad out there-most do not want to face placement but you will still be a big part of her life and it will be so much easier on you-if you were getting help at all it would be different-it sounds like she really needs to be placed-I am saying this as a friend and so hope you are not upset with me but I hear how difficult it is for you right now and yes she meets the needs fOR LTC from what you have been saying. P lease at least consider what I have said.

Sharyn,
Welcome to the home of Vent and Live. Keep posting here!

Listen to Deef. She's really good and has nailed it.

I want to write more but just moved the boat so I have chores to see to.

lildeb! glad you're here.

Diane and Stormy and and Cat and and

love you guys,
lovbob

Sharyne, Your mom should not be left alone! The reason she is losing weight is because she has no sense of time or day or even that she is hungry. This is all part of dementia. She may not be like this 24/7 yet, but it's going to come to that. She panics because everything is turned around in her head. Bills confuse her because she can't remember what to do with them. She will do a good job of "faking it" a lot of the time, so you will think she is okay, but you really need to get her evaluated as soon as possible! Does she drive? Not a good idea at this point. At least you are able to give her the meds as she would really get confused there.
Don't want to panic you, but I think someone should stay with her 24/7 for a couple days and keep an eye on her daily routine and habits. I think you would be surprised at some of the things she would do. For all you know, she could be throwing out the food you prepare for her. Does she have a gas stove? Mom used to turn her gas on all the time without it lighting and I would walk in and smell it. Thank God she never blew the house up!
Ask her if she wants help with her bills and make it a pleasant conversation over coffee or tea. That might get her to at least gather her stuff for you to look at and see how bad things really are. Mom used to pay bills twice, or put 2 checks in the envelope or just plain throw the bills out!
As for hygiene, if she has lost her sense of time, minutes, hours, days, weeks are lost to her so she won't know that it's been a while since she bathed etc. All of this is why I suggest someone stay with her and watch her every day activities so when you do take her to be evaluated, you will have a good understanding of what you need to tell the doctor. She could surprise you and have a good day and come out looking totally normal.
I know I probably scared you with all this information, but I have been going through this with Mom for 7 years now and had to quit my job 5 years ago to take care of her 24/7. I'm certain you need to make sure she is safe when alone, but from what you have said, I think she may not be. Good luck and if you have more questions, let me know. Mom also had LTC, but that is now used up. Her policy actually needed one hundred dates of documented service in order for it to take affect. The $$ lasted four years by keeping her at home. It would have been gone in a little over a year if she had been in a facility.

I just need to vent and this is the place to do it!! My mother has declined so much since this time last year. Last year at this time she could still drive, pay her bills, cook, and take care of her hygiene. Now she can't understand any of her mail, phone calls, her hair get so greasy from not washing it. She wont use her heater adequately which means it is either 59 degrees or 74 degrees in her home. I have to work and have already had my manager talk with me about making sure I am not putting my job first over my mother's care. Her care so far has not interfered with work. I only took one day off back in October when she cancelled her phone service and I needed to be at her house when the technician came to check the lines connected to the house. Today she called me right before I had to leave to work because she got an advertisement in the in the mail, a form letter. It was from American Water Resources saying that underground pipes can break and can be very costly and difficult to fix. Most homeowners policies won't cover the expense...blah, blah, blah...you all get my drift. She was terrified and told me she would not be able to sleep all night and that she would never throw this away (I told her to throw it in the trash, it was only an advertisement). I am at my wits end because she always calls me with these crisis right before I have to go to work. My heart breaks in a million pieces because I can only do so much to be there for her. My sis and I are in the process of making an appt. with a neurologist for an evaluation on her cognitive level. Mom has to fail 2 of the activities for daily living (ADL'S) to qualify for her LTC policy to pay for home health care or a SNH. I do know that she was 135lb last year this time, is now 111lb because she is not eating right and part of that is probably due to the fact that dementia does slowly tale a toll on the body, but part of it is because I think she eats corn flakes for dinner because she doesn't want to be bothered with heating something up in the microwave. I am over there every day, give her medication (antidepressant to help reduce her anxiety), I work part time, so I cook for her on my days off and make extra to freeze so all she has to do is heat in the microwave. I took her to the PCP today to get refills on the antidepressant which he ordered. Yesterday her hair was so greasy because she hasn't probably bathed or washed her hair in a couple weeks. She was clean for the appt. Does this count towards failing 2 of the ADLS...not eating properly and bathing regularly? She can't handle her finances and refuses to let me or my sister help or take over and we can't legally take over until she is certified incompetent.... the appt with the neurologist which her LTC policy requires a certification from. Then they will come to her home and evaluated her requirements on the ADLS. How do I get through the next 3 weeks or more until all this is set in motion? Should I take time off work...(stress leave) or should I stick it out until we find out where our mother is at on competency and if her LTC policy will approve her need for home health care. Our goal is to keep her home for another six or so months with home health care and then place her in a SNF as she progresses and will be easier to deal with in placing her. I know this may sound horrible to you all doing it this way but we will still be advocating for her care and over her house or in the SNF daily. My sister has health issues, so does my brother plus his mil has lung cancer and his 36 yr. old stepson has stage 4 liver cancer that started in his colon 7-8 years ago. In other words, neither my brother or my sister are readily available to help me and I don't want to lose my job either. I am married and have a separate household to manage, my job is necessary just the same. My mother also has a personality disorder which would make it impossible for her live with me or my sister. I guesstimate my mother be in stage 4-5 Alzheimer's.Should I try to get stress leave or stick it out??

Lildeb: Often people who have alcoholic parents marry someone with a drinking problem. Like you said, it just is hard to understand, but actually there is a reason for it. Children of alcoholics often marry someone with a drinking problem because they are trying to recreate their childhood and win the love of the person with the drinking problem. Does that make any sense. You can google the issue and read up on it if you want.