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Oh boy, what an afternoon and evening with mom! I swear her mind is in another dimension from us. She talks, laughs, sings and all sorts of stuff all in her own world. The $hit hits the fan when she thinks there is danger in that world and she gets afraid of everyone. I often wonder what it's like inside her head. I'm going to head to bed since it's been a long day (as Mondays always are). I hope everyone can get a good night's rest and wake up feeling somewhat refreshed in the morning. Sweet Dreams
Holy Smokes Treat! Now that explains what's in my junk mail. I was wondering where in the world did I sign up for THAT stuff!
lildeb, I go through all the what if scenerios still and try to stop myself but sometimes I get on a roll...
hey lucy, thanks for posting and thanks to treat too. I love it when the lurkers pop in here. Hope you make it regular. It's always good to see more crew on the boat.
lildeb I do think that I woke myself up with a snort in the movies. Thinking about taking another nap in a few days...
I don't know about peace of mind right now on this barge. The washing machine died and we found a matching pair off another boat on craigslist and we have had to take the trim off the companionway entrance to move the old dryer out. The boat angel is living up to his name, bless his crazy little heart.
I would have been doing laundry up the dock for the rest of my time on this boat because I just can't deal with this kind of thing but he just keeps going until it's done.
We'll put the new (to us) washer and dryer on tomorrow and I hope it is uneventful. What a back breaker.
Stormy I hope you'll get on and let us know how you feel.
I heard from Deef and she is still fighting the stomach bug. I don't know how she manages everything that she does. She is so talented and sweet and overworked and overstressed.
OK, got to take another spartan shower. Actually dreamed about a jacuzzi tub last night. Beats the socks off the nightmares!
I'll check in after the hosedown to see if Stormy posted.
love you guys way more than you'll ever know, lovbob
Stormy: For some reason I just feel you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. What you are feeling is perfectly ok!!!! It's normal to want to live your life, especially when you have a small child you want to focus on. For crying out loud, that child needs you. Even those of us who do not have children at home still want to have a life. What's the point of having one if you can't live it????? It's fine to share your life with others, but care taking is often not sharing. It's being responsible for the day to day care of another. It eventually consumes you mentally and completely restricts you physically.
In most cases, I think we are always left feeling like a failure. I feel like a failure and it eats at my heart. It sucks to feel like I didn't do all you could and it is impossible to come out of care giving feeling good even when you stayed with it to the very last breath. It changes you in ways I can't explain. You are so often left feeling lacking in spirit and heart. You grieve for the loss of those who depended on you and you grieve the loss of your ability to save and be saved.
Whatever you choose to do, you will have sadness. I don't think it can be escaped. I will always support you in all you feel and any steps you want to take to improve your life. Just know that you are in a no win situation and be kind to yourself. If you have a mind for God, take a few minutes and go to a quiet place where you can feel God's presence and pray. Ask for guidance, forgiveness, understanding and enlightenment.
You should probably start doing this ( or whatever works for you) earlier rather than later, as life is never a smooth ride. After your dad is gone, you will continue to be tossed about in life. It can't be any other way.
So we do our best. Having love, forgiveness and acceptance from those we expose our good and bad points too really helps.
Stormy, I agree with Bobbie n especially that u need a break n trust me I know it is hard to get help or even being able to afford someone. However, you really need the break to breath n enjoy your own life. I felt that way about my mom when I was taking care of her but not constantly under my eyesight. It takes a lot out of a person who goes out of their way to help take care of another. Not only physically but mentally as well. I too said prayers n made threats to move her but she was a very stubborn mother along with depression n alcoholism. She didn't have AD but she was a handful. Before I knew it while at work, I got a phone call that she passed. Then I felt guilty for years of the 'what if." What if I had done it this way, What if I should had said it this way, etc... I finally saw the light after talking to a counselor for ME for the first in my life I realize that, I could had not done anything different for she was going to do what she wanted to do no matter what. My mom was n her late 50's when she passed due to heart attack. It could had been a combination of mixing alcohol n medication? January 8th would had been her birthday. Now I am taking care of my husband's mom but 24/7 with AD so it more different yet more difficult for me sometimes. Those 4 little hrs of respite break that I get n coming here to VENT n learning from others n to know that, I am not alone, is what keeping me from going crazy! I always try to find one small thing as well to help me make it. n for some reason I cannot, I will come here n vent, vent, share, cry n vent some more.So Stormy, vent, vent, cry, share n vent some more if u need too. I hope u can get a peaceful rest tonight. You are in my prayers.
Bobbie, I hope u were not snoring during the movie? However, at least you got some zzz. Buying that boat was not such a nutty idea for it sounds like u can get some peace of mind sometimes. We can only do what we can for we r only human.
Hi Stormy, I echo all the sentiments here especially LovBob. I too was caught in a "perfect storm" of situational depression with mom, my job, my daughter and grandson moving in, menopause and insomnia. I tried to be everything to everyone and lost myself in the process. Didn't put on my oxygen mask before helping others with theirs. Bob is right about checking into therapy and/or anti-depressants. I did, and have been on low dose (50mg) of Zoloft for 3 weeks now and what a difference! I feel the heaviness is lifting, the fog is clearing and I haven't cried like before. Well I cry but it's cathartic and relatively short-lived as opposed to almost continuous and exhausting before the meds. I also got Ambien for sleep and I only take half when I feel I need it. Your thoughts are normal, venting is absolutely a necessity and nobody here at least judges you. And I'm not a 24/7 caregiver, my mom is in an assisted living facility but I am the only child close by, she's almost 88 with dementia and getting closer to needing memory care by the day, so I deal with the stress of her crying as I leave each time. Do all you can to make your dad happy and comfortable, if he's unable to be that it's either due to his personality or his disease or both, it's not you. Guilt is unnecessary baggage on this trip and I was victim to its erosion, still am, only not as much. You are a good wife, mother, daughter and don't let anyone take that away. I lurk on this site mostly, have only posted a few times, but the support and love on this site is overwhelming. Hang in there, you've got lots of company.
bobbie321.....About a year ago my account got hacked and XXX naughty stuff was sent to my whole email address book..........and I still had all of the email addresses from being the Church Youth Director. Thank goodness my Pastor has a kickin' sense of humor but YIKES. Luckily we caught it and parents of the teens could intervene, but no one seemed surprised, I guess they've seen worse.
Stormy, you definitely are not alone with this feeling. I have that feeling almost daily now that mom is completely in another world. I had a very close relationship with my mother and it is only out of love why I am her caregiver. If I were in your situation I definitely could not be her caregiver. You are also feeling torn between spending time with your son that is full of life and feeling it is your duty to stand by your dad. As Bobbie suggested, check with your county and state Aging Commission for various daycare or sitter programs. I am so fortunate that mom had the forsight to purchase long term care insurance. It may only cover the cost of a sitter for 6 hours a day, but at least it lets me work and run errands each day. Don't make yourself feel guilty for the feelings of dread. There isn't a single caregiver that wakes up each morning and says they are happy to be caregiving another day. I know I will grieve terribly when I lose my mom, but I also know she is already gone. Take a deep breath and shake of that heavy heartedness.
Stormy, I think your feelings are absolutely normal - especially for this time of year. It is good, I think, to share them on the forum and not keep them bottled up. Try and find something to look forward to - all for yourself!- and know you are NOT a bad person!!!!
You are not a sinner or a bad person for feeling this way. Don't let those beliefs hurt you and cause you to have more pain than you already have.
I thought the same things when I was caregiving my mom and if many people are honest with us and themselves, you would hear a chorus of voices that felt that way or are feeling that way now. Not a 'sin'. Personally, I don't believe in sin anyway because I believe that if you believe in God you can't be separated from him through sin. Just another example of man trying to hammer other men and women into doing stuff that's not good for them but makes it easier on the ones doing the hammering.
You have a difficult past to deal with along with the insanity of caregiving and that will cause you to have all kinds of thoughts, including moving to the mountains! Look at me! I freaked out and bought a boat! Nuts! Decisions under duress are usually a bad idea.
Try to remember to breathe and to keep saying to yourself that this too will pass. Your main job throughout this process is to keep yourself healthy so you live. Your husband isn't going to lose a wife and Connor isn't going to lose his mama.
That's why I say: Vent and Live and that is exactly what you are doing. Good.
Forgive me because sometimes our stories intertwine, but have you looked into the county and any resources that they may be able to provide, such as someone to come in a few hours a day? Once again, please forgive me if you have covered this and I am not remembering who wrote what. It really doesn't matter if your dad doesn't want someone else to come in. That's not his decision to make. That's one of the things I did wrong and that was listen to my mother's demands. It was only a few months before her death and I was 24/7 caregiving for 5 years that I realized that she would run me into the ground and not realize it because she was sick.
One thing is certain. You need a break. You need to not go there for a few weeks and someone else has to step up, whether it's the county or your sister. I don't remember where she lives but something has to give, as you well know, but it's time for you to not be there for every beck and call.
I didn't get the break I needed when I was in the trenches and I hope beyond hope that none of you guys will ever feel the way I do, which is shot out and empty still, even 2.5 years after my mom's death. I still don't have many coping skills and isolate a lot because too much human interaction is just too much for me. That's one of the realities of PTSD.
The other thing I would mention is an antidepressant and/or antianxiety med because you are probably situationally depressed and anxious, and when the situation changes and the pressure is taken off of you, you would be better.
Keep venting. If you have a friend that you can call and talk to about all of this do it. Don't worry about family secrets or any of that other crap that only makes us sicker. Just find someone you can talk out loud to and keep getting it out of you.
Another thing I alway recommend is film therapy. AMC has that Stubs program and for 12 bucks you get a pass so that movies are 5 bucks before noon on weekdays. Different areas have different programs. I don't know if any of that fits into your schedule, but it's a shot.
I went to see Speilberg's 'Lincoln' all by myself the other day. Or, as I renamed it: C-Span 1865. I did fall asleep not too far into it and asked the guy 3 seats over: How long was I out?
OK, don't be hard on yourself. You are a good daughter and a good wife and a good mom. You are just under the insane stress of caregiving and your thoughts are going everywhere. You are doing nothing wrong and please don't let anyone guilt you into thinking anything different and loading you up with more crazy.
Hope to see another post and you can't complain too much here. I know that there are a few out there who think that being perky and always upbeat is the way to go, but that's just not the truth of many of our situations. There are those of us who are just so beat down that it's a struggle just to get through the day without screaming our heads off.
We love you Stormy and that's no bs. Vent and Live.
Hey ya'll just thought I would get some feelings out in hopes that it will help me. I don't know if it will but here goes. I have been having these feelings for awhile of just wanting my dad to pass on. And it seems that these thoughts consume me. I don't know why I feel this way. My dad and I have never been close. We are strangers to one another. I know some may judge me and think that I am a horrible person and that is ok, cause I feel horrible for thinking these thoughts. My heart is heavy. I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of wondering how long this will last. I am tired of the dread I feel of having to go to his house everyday. I am tired of having to think up excuses of why I have to leave from there. I am tired of him looking at me with the look of "why" are you leaving. I am tired of being on edge everytime my sister calls "for fear" that she will want me to go to his house and check on him. I am just so damn tired of it all!!! I was on the computer last nite looking up ways to find peace in your life. I sat down with the bible and read several verse relating to finding peace. And then I prayed to God to help me. Help me to stop having these thoughts and feelings. To please give me some peace of mind. That I can't do this on my own anymore. I have tried and my way is not working for me. I did feel better after saying all this and I felt better this morning but I feel the heaviness coming back. Saturday I came home from dads and told my husband that I found a house for us to move into in the mountains 5 hours away. It has got that bad to where I am ready to move to the mountains. But we can not because of my husbands job. I told him that the only way I feel I can get out of this situation is if I die, daddy dies or we move. How terrible is that? I wish I could change myself or my feelings but I do not know how to. I feel so stuck and trapped. Does anyone else feel like this? Or am I just a sinner and a terrible person? How can I keep living like this? I have not always felt like this towards dad, just since he has gotten sick. He was not a mean dad, he did not beat or abuse me. He was strict somewhat and I was really kinda scared of him as a child cause he is like 6' 4' and weighed like 225. If I was doing something wrong all he had to do was look at me and I could start crying. I don't know if this has anything to do with it or what it is. I just want to stop feeling like this. Thanks for listening ya'll. Love and Hugs Stormy.
Hey there grannyto8, welcome to the thread! Ya, the denture thing is right up there in the urp department.
Haha Jen, it's been awhile since we have busted out the boils. So, a nice New Year's boil to the person who made me so sad this morning. Jeez.
I think I got everyone emailed and most knew it was a spam right off and no one else was upset or mad at me so that was a relief.
Meanwhile, I really don't know how I got hacked but basically all you can do is change your password which I did as soon as I realized what was going on. I think that's the only answer but I don't know that much about it all. How much do any of us know about these machines that we type on? Are we using it or is it using us? A little of both I would guess.
OK, into the shower for me. I have a fantasy that I get to stay in a nice hotel and I stand in the shower for 15 minutes. Boat showers are spartan.
love all you guys way more than you'll ever know, lovbob
what grosses me out is care recipient taking dentures out and licking them after a meal! poop duty i can handle but for some reason this grosses me out more lol
Not long ago I got an email from a friend, that his wallet, and passport had been stolen while they were on vacation over seas. Could I sent them $1500. Thing is the friend had just been admitted to the hospital. Wonder if that is where his email contacts got hacked? Computers have risks. So what doesn't.
I just realized that my email account was hacked and about half of my address book recieved some bogus weight loss link. (Ya, like I give a sh!t about weight loss.)
Some of you recieved it and please accept my apology for the pain in the ass factor.
I changed the passcode and that should handle it. Those that know me know that I don't even forward the sweet stuff from Cuz so anyone thinking that I did this would know that this is totally out of character. If you get anything else just let me know so I can try and fix it.
A former crew member just sent me a Very Nasty email about it. Wow. Really? My email just got hacked. It happens now and again. Sorry. Whatta beeyatch.
Jen! Great post and yes you are right.
I have to admit that I am considering a flu shot after reading here. I have never had one and was always afraid that the shot I would get wouldn't fight the strain that I would be exposed to. Probably going to go through with it.
OK, off to try and repair the damage of the spamming. I apologize again to those who recieved the weight loss link. At least it's not a freaking virus.....
Flu shot here too. I think I'd just as soon BE dead as That sick yucko!
Agree Deef is a one woman army, I can not imagine how she does it all...
Watching some Cadfaels here with mom. I moved furniture last night to make more room for fart pants as he is starting to hit the sewing machine as he comes in the back door with the wheel chair and he is having a fit, yelling cussing..in front of the SASTA driver when he dropped hi off and mom said you are supposed to have your feet up..He insists they can not get the chair lift gate shut with them on, needles to say the whole damn transit van was built to accommodate wheel chars of every shape and dimension. He is lying, he doesn't want to use them period so he makes a shit fit, upsets mom embarrass the driver...One good thing. other people do see he is not just this "sweet lil old guy".... even the manager at the adult center says she notices how snappy and stubborn he is...
"Growing old aint for sissies" ? it aint for people who have a strong sense of control, stubbornness, get upset when they can't have everything they want and continue to do things they are no longer able to do without injury to themselves...
I DO understand, the loss of control ,the body betraying one, the fear of death, the loss of privacy the rights to look after yourself so to speak, but that is the price he pays for not being dead and having infirmities on aging his body and mind. I guess we all pay the price.
We are living longer and inuring greater debt and having lower and lower quality of living due to the break troughs and meddling of the medical industry...Jesus, thank you so much!
So I mopped some new parts of the floor... the end....
Have a good week all, stay warm and dry and sane....Jen
Stormy, I have had the flu shot every yr due to diabetes n my immune system n never got the flu. I may had a sore arm n just took a tyenol for it. You son getting the nasal mist is a live active virus so anyone that has a low immune system n like of course people like me who had a transplant should not be around him for a few days. Of course, I would check with your physician n you should do fine with the shot. It don't promise you that you won't get the flu yet, it suppose to help you from having all the nasty side effects from the flu from what I heard. Shirley, that is a great idea to put it on an index card for the mil n especially while I am trying to focus on driving while she is asking me 20 zillions times. Thanks, just simple little stuff like these ideas can possible make a huge difference. Thank you, thank you.
I went to my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room, told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down and while waiting I observed That there were three items on a stand Next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly, A rubber glove And a beer .
When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused, this is my first exam .. I know what the K-Y is for And I know what the glove is for, But can you tell me what the BEER is for?
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse .. . . . . .
Cat and Meanwhile- thanks for the info on the flu shot. As I said before Connor has a appt today to get the flu nasal mist. I am still unsure as to whether I am doing the right thing, but I guess I will carry him to the appt and talk to the doctor about it. I just hope he doesn't start feeling bad. I still don't know if I am going to get one. I will just have to think about it some more. Just worried about Connor getting it now, especially since this is his first year in school and being around alot of other children. I am wondering about starting him on a multivitamin. He does not eat any veggies, except corn (sometimes) and the only fruits he will eat is a apple or a banana. He gets that mess from his dad on the fruits. My husband does not like any fruits, except a apple and he isn't that crazy about that one. I, on the other hand, love fruit. I guess I will find out how dad is doing with getting the flu shot yesterday. Thanks again ya'll. Love and hugs stormy.
I remember getting the vaccines at school.. I worked in hospitals for 20 years too. The flu shot never worked for me, not that the shot gave me the flu. I just ended up getting the flu, if I got the shot or not. But, they do seem to help most people. I think I'm the exception.
Stormy: I've had a flu shot every year for probably the last 15 years. I've never gotten the flu. My parents had their flu shots, my hubby has had his and none of us have had the flu.
The city where my husband use to work provided flu shots to all their employees and their spouses. I don't think they would have done that if there was concern that it would make people sick.
I think you have to trust the guidance of Connor's pediatrician. Kids get exposed to so much at school and then they bring it home to share with their parents.
Gosh, my parents had 4 children. Lord, we got the mumps, the chicken pox, etc., etc. Didn't have the baby vaccines then. Thank goodness we did have the polio vaccine and we got that at school. Anyone else remember lining up at school to get a shot of the polio vaccine?
Stormy, check with your doc about the flu vaccine for you. The only reason I could see to not get it is if there was a shortage of the vaccine. Then it would be high risk patients and medical staff first.
Hey everyone- not much going on here. I had to carry dad to get a flu shot today at walgreens. Damn that needle was big and long. Alot of people around here have been getting the flu, my neice included. She has been sick since before xmas and she still has it. I have never had the flu shot before but I am thinking about getting one. Just scared that once I get the shot then it will turn into the flu. I have heard about this happening to some people. And I made a appt with Connor's pediatrician to get him a flu nasal mist tomorrow after school. I hope I have made the right decision on that too. I sure don't want my baby to get that mess. Do ya'll think I should get the shot or not? Deef- I am so sorry to hear of your friend's passing. I will keep you in my prayers. Hugs. Cat, Judy, Meanwhile, Deef, Dtflex, Bobbie, Cuz, lil' deb, jen and anyone else I missed I hope this year is turning out alright for all of you. Keeping you all in my thoughts as our journey continues on in caregiving.................... My love and hugs Stormy.
Deb, your a saint, you have much more patience than I would. The sugar free chocolate pie is not hard. I make a graham cracker crust with. package of graham crackers, 1/4 cup. brown sugar twin, Tablespoon of butter, and just a tsp of real brown sugar. press into the pie pan, toast in the oven until slightly brown. 350 degrees. While that is browning I mix 2 cups Splenda, 1/4 cup coco, 2 heaping tablespoons of corn starch, pinch of salt, 2 tablespoons of real sugar. Place it in a double boiler, or a heavy saucepan. Add 3 cups skim milk, and bring to a boil, stirring constantly. When it starts to thicken add 1 tablespoon vanilla, then pour into the pie crust. Chill, and that's it. You can skip the graham cracker crust and just make the chocolate pudding. I think the stuff from the store has palm oils, and other weird things, not good. Good luck with your MIL's tests. Maybe you could write down the explanation on a card, and give her that to read when she gets upset? Take care everyone, Love Shirley
meanwhile, sorry your mom fell n bruising don't sound good but better than a broken bone or two. Sorry about your friend n I be right their with her out the window for that long n hospital. Hey, that s/f chocolate pies sounds tempting but, does it have those after effects like taking a laxative similar to those pies n cakes from a grocery bakery depart? If u r making it home-made n it has only little side affects I really like to have that recipes please.
This AD stuff is just so confusing sometimes. The other day the mil was taking this toy n telling me while we were eating supper at the table that, each end had equal 3 parts on the end n they both had the same colors going length wise n that she had shaped it to look like a boat. It just amazed me for it lasted about 20 minuets n she hasn't had the interest to do any of that stuff lately. Then later, the she goes back to her usually self, to not knowing where to put the toilet paper when done in bathroom to forgetting she just went to the bathroom for #1 just a few minuets ago, to a little urine leakage n the constant repeats to name a few. She seems to have very short-term memory n has signs of stage 5 n now a few from stage 6 from the Alzheimer website. Yet, she was only diagnosed in 2010 with mild n I can tell she seems to be at moderate level just a yr ago. It just seems to be to quick to have some of those signs from 6 already n is this normal? She is constantly needing to do #1 but she is not really tinkling. Not sure if she just forgetting or just has the urge n nothing is their for she has already went? We did set-up her appt with the colon dr to do a Barium Enema X-ray for next week to see if anything else is going on beside having small hemorrhoid problems for she complains still about her bottom inside. She still using the suppository twice a day from her dr n it hard to tell if she is n pain or just discomfort. For sometimes she forgets she just used a suppository n wanted another one. Yet, she can only use them twice a day. At least I got that test set-up n I got the hubby, her son to go as well so he can see what fun it is sometimes. ; ) It took from 2:00pm until 4:30pm to get done with her Butt dr n the per-registering at the hospital for her Barium x ray test next week. Shew, What a day! I was the bad person for she told her son that she cannot believe I am doing this to her n that she don't hurt n that is when hubby was getting upset with her. Because she has been constantly complaining n now she going to tell him she is fine. Then, she thought we were sending her off for good so I had to pull her aside n explain to her as much as possible that what we were doing at the hospital n then she was fine. That lasted about 10 minuets. She starts crying again n confused n people r looking at us like we r being mean or something. I try again to explain n she is fine again. I don't have any more patients to explain again at least for today! She is napping now so I can breath a bit until tonight. I m think about recording myself before we go to another appointment so I can quit repeating myself. Has anyone else come up with a solution to help ease their mom minds n help keep your own patience so u don't go insane at the same time? Hubby was a little helpful so that was better than none. ; )
I wanted to say that I think the world of all of you. Deef, you are a one woman army and I really admire all you get accomplished. I'm truly sorry about your friend, but like Meanwhile said (think it was Meanwhile) she is at peace now. And like Kuli said, you can talk to her through prayer. Glad you bro built the ramp. Stay warm and keep cooking.
Linda, Kuli, Stormy, Deef, esskape, Diane, Bobbie, Cuz, Jen, lildeb, Mame, Cricket, RIP, Bookworm, Judy, everyone, I truly hope this year will bring many good things to all of us.
Bobbie: Let me know where you will be posting your political views. I'd like to add my 2 cents. I tend to think I am informed and I also research. One of my friends who is ultra conservative and super religious (unlike me) says that I am one of the best researchers she has ever met. We agree on just about nothing, but we do care about each others well being. I always welcome the opportunity to read info that is well researched. As you, I have no clue why people put stock in Rush or Fox News. Nevertheless, it's amazing how many of my friends and family swear by it. I'm always at a loss in understanding this. By the way, Fox has an advertisement on their channel for a Veteran help group. It's a totally bogus fraud, yet they air it constantly. Guess they like the money more than promoting an honest endeavor. That tells me a lot. My brother-in-law, who is an avid Fox follower, was the one who told me he researched the Vet help group and found it to be a fraud. Still, he doesn't see the connection between Fox and their advertisers. I guess I'm a dork, but I would never advertise a group without making sure, as much as possible, that those who trusted my opinion would not be mislead by something I put before them. Just saying.
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lildeb, I go through all the what if scenerios still and try to stop myself but sometimes I get on a roll...
hey lucy, thanks for posting and thanks to treat too. I love it when the lurkers pop in here. Hope you make it regular. It's always good to see more crew on the boat.
lildeb I do think that I woke myself up with a snort in the movies. Thinking about taking another nap in a few days...
I don't know about peace of mind right now on this barge. The washing machine died and we found a matching pair off another boat on craigslist and we have had to take the trim off the companionway entrance to move the old dryer out.
The boat angel is living up to his name, bless his crazy little heart.
I would have been doing laundry up the dock for the rest of my time on this boat because I just can't deal with this kind of thing but he just keeps going until it's done.
We'll put the new (to us) washer and dryer on tomorrow and I hope it is uneventful. What a back breaker.
Stormy I hope you'll get on and let us know how you feel.
I heard from Deef and she is still fighting the stomach bug. I don't know how she manages everything that she does. She is so talented and sweet and overworked and overstressed.
OK, got to take another spartan shower. Actually dreamed about a jacuzzi tub last night. Beats the socks off the nightmares!
I'll check in after the hosedown to see if Stormy posted.
love you guys way more than you'll ever know,
lovbob
Stormy: For some reason I just feel you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. What you are feeling is perfectly ok!!!! It's normal to want to live your life, especially when you have a small child you want to focus on. For crying out loud, that child needs you. Even those of us who do not have children at home still want to have a life. What's the point of having one if you can't live it????? It's fine to share your life with others, but care taking is often not sharing. It's being responsible for the day to day care of another. It eventually consumes you mentally and completely restricts you physically.
In most cases, I think we are always left feeling like a failure. I feel like a failure and it eats at my heart. It sucks to feel like I didn't do all you could and it is impossible to come out of care giving feeling good even when you stayed with it to the very last breath. It changes you in ways I can't explain. You are so often left feeling lacking in spirit and heart. You grieve for the loss of those who depended on you and you grieve the loss of your ability to save and be saved.
Whatever you choose to do, you will have sadness. I don't think it can be escaped. I will always support you in all you feel and any steps you want to take to improve your life. Just know that you are in a no win situation and be kind to yourself. If you have a mind for God, take a few minutes and go to a quiet place where you can feel God's presence and pray. Ask for guidance, forgiveness, understanding and enlightenment.
You should probably start doing this ( or whatever works for you) earlier rather than later, as life is never a smooth ride. After your dad is gone, you will continue to be tossed about in life. It can't be any other way.
So we do our best. Having love, forgiveness and acceptance from those we expose our good and bad points too really helps.
Hugs, Cat
I felt that way about my mom when I was taking care of her but not constantly under my eyesight. It takes a lot out of a person who goes out of their way to help take care of another. Not only physically but mentally as well. I too said prayers n made threats to move her but she was a very stubborn mother along with depression n alcoholism. She didn't have AD but she was a handful. Before I knew it while at work, I got a phone call that she passed. Then I felt guilty for years of the 'what if." What if I had done it this way, What if I should had said it this way, etc... I finally saw the light after talking to a counselor for ME for the first in my life I realize that, I could had not done anything different for she was going to do what she wanted to do no matter what. My mom was n her late 50's when she passed due to heart attack. It could had been a combination of mixing alcohol n medication? January 8th would had been her birthday.
Now I am taking care of my husband's mom but 24/7 with AD so it more different yet more difficult for me sometimes. Those 4 little hrs of respite break that I get n coming here to VENT n learning from others n to know that, I am not alone, is what keeping me from going crazy! I always try to find one small thing as well to help me make it. n for some reason I cannot, I will come here n vent, vent, share, cry n vent some more.So Stormy, vent, vent, cry, share n vent some more if u need too. I hope u can get a peaceful rest tonight. You are in my prayers.
Bobbie, I hope u were not snoring during the movie? However, at least you got some zzz. Buying that boat was not such a nutty idea for it sounds like u can get some peace of mind sometimes. We can only do what we can for we r only human.
Thanks Mish for getting my sense of humor.
lovbob
Love ya,
Diane
Hey Stormy,
You are not a sinner or a bad person for feeling this way. Don't let those beliefs hurt you and cause you to have more pain than you already have.
I thought the same things when I was caregiving my mom and if many people are honest with us and themselves, you would hear a chorus of voices that felt that way or are feeling that way now.
Not a 'sin'. Personally, I don't believe in sin anyway because I believe that if you believe in God you can't be separated from him through sin. Just another example of man trying to hammer other men and women into doing stuff that's not good for them but makes it easier on the ones doing the hammering.
You have a difficult past to deal with along with the insanity of caregiving and that will cause you to have all kinds of thoughts, including moving to the mountains!
Look at me! I freaked out and bought a boat! Nuts! Decisions under duress are usually a bad idea.
Try to remember to breathe and to keep saying to yourself that this too will pass.
Your main job throughout this process is to keep yourself healthy so you live. Your husband isn't going to lose a wife and Connor isn't going to lose his mama.
That's why I say: Vent and Live and that is exactly what you are doing. Good.
Forgive me because sometimes our stories intertwine, but have you looked into the county and any resources that they may be able to provide, such as someone to come in a few hours a day?
Once again, please forgive me if you have covered this and I am not remembering who wrote what.
It really doesn't matter if your dad doesn't want someone else to come in. That's not his decision to make.
That's one of the things I did wrong and that was listen to my mother's demands. It was only a few months before her death and I was 24/7 caregiving for 5 years that I realized that she would run me into the ground and not realize it because she was sick.
One thing is certain. You need a break. You need to not go there for a few weeks and someone else has to step up, whether it's the county or your sister.
I don't remember where she lives but something has to give, as you well know, but it's time for you to not be there for every beck and call.
I didn't get the break I needed when I was in the trenches and I hope beyond hope that none of you guys will ever feel the way I do, which is shot out and empty still, even 2.5 years after my mom's death. I still don't have many coping skills and isolate a lot because too much human interaction is just too much for me. That's one of the realities of PTSD.
The other thing I would mention is an antidepressant and/or antianxiety med because you are probably situationally depressed and anxious, and when the situation changes and the pressure is taken off of you, you would be better.
Keep venting. If you have a friend that you can call and talk to about all of this do it. Don't worry about family secrets or any of that other crap that only makes us sicker. Just find someone you can talk out loud to and keep getting it out of you.
Another thing I alway recommend is film therapy. AMC has that Stubs program and for 12 bucks you get a pass so that movies are 5 bucks before noon on weekdays. Different areas have different programs. I don't know if any of that fits into your schedule, but it's a shot.
I went to see Speilberg's 'Lincoln' all by myself the other day.
Or, as I renamed it: C-Span 1865.
I did fall asleep not too far into it and asked the guy 3 seats over:
How long was I out?
OK, don't be hard on yourself. You are a good daughter and a good wife and a good mom. You are just under the insane stress of caregiving and your thoughts are going everywhere. You are doing nothing wrong and please don't let anyone guilt you into thinking anything different and loading you up with more crazy.
Hope to see another post and you can't complain too much here. I know that there are a few out there who think that being perky and always upbeat is the way to go, but that's just not the truth of many of our situations.
There are those of us who are just so beat down that it's a struggle just to get through the day without screaming our heads off.
We love you Stormy and that's no bs. Vent and Live.
lovbob
Saturday I came home from dads and told my husband that I found a house for us to move into in the mountains 5 hours away. It has got that bad to where I am ready to move to the mountains. But we can not because of my husbands job. I told him that the only way I feel I can get out of this situation is if I die, daddy dies or we move. How terrible is that? I wish I could change myself or my feelings but I do not know how to. I feel so stuck and trapped. Does anyone else feel like this? Or am I just a sinner and a terrible person? How can I keep living like this? I have not always felt like this towards dad, just since he has gotten sick. He was not a mean dad, he did not beat or abuse me. He was strict somewhat and I was really kinda scared of him as a child cause he is like 6' 4' and weighed like 225. If I was doing something wrong all he had to do was look at me and I could start crying. I don't know if this has anything to do with it or what it is. I just want to stop feeling like this. Thanks for listening ya'll. Love and Hugs Stormy.
Ya, the denture thing is right up there in the urp department.
Haha Jen, it's been awhile since we have busted out the boils.
So, a nice New Year's boil to the person who made me so sad this morning. Jeez.
I think I got everyone emailed and most knew it was a spam right off and no one else was upset or mad at me so that was a relief.
Meanwhile, I really don't know how I got hacked but basically all you can do is change your password which I did as soon as I realized what was going on. I think that's the only answer but I don't know that much about it all. How much do any of us know about these machines that we type on?
Are we using it or is it using us? A little of both I would guess.
OK, into the shower for me. I have a fantasy that I get to stay in a nice hotel and I stand in the shower for 15 minutes. Boat showers are spartan.
love all you guys way more than you'll ever know,
lovbob
here ya bobbie. hope it all gets cleaned up OK! and the jerk gets head boils...
I just realized that my email account was hacked and about half of my address book recieved some bogus weight loss link. (Ya, like I give a sh!t about weight loss.)
Some of you recieved it and please accept my apology for the pain in the ass factor.
I changed the passcode and that should handle it. Those that know me know that I don't even forward the sweet stuff from Cuz so anyone thinking that I did this would know that this is totally out of character. If you get anything else just let me know so I can try and fix it.
A former crew member just sent me a Very Nasty email about it. Wow. Really?
My email just got hacked. It happens now and again. Sorry. Whatta beeyatch.
Jen! Great post and yes you are right.
I have to admit that I am considering a flu shot after reading here. I have never had one and was always afraid that the shot I would get wouldn't fight the strain that I would be exposed to. Probably going to go through with it.
OK, off to try and repair the damage of the spamming. I apologize again to those who recieved the weight loss link. At least it's not a freaking virus.....
Man oh man, Happy Sunday.
lovbob
Agree Deef is a one woman army, I can not imagine how she does it all...
Watching some Cadfaels here with mom. I moved furniture last night to make more room for fart pants as he is starting to hit the sewing machine as he comes in the back door with the wheel chair and he is having a fit, yelling cussing..in front of the SASTA driver when he dropped hi off and mom said you are supposed to have your feet up..He insists they can not get the chair lift gate shut with them on, needles to say the whole damn transit van was built to accommodate wheel chars of every shape and dimension. He is lying, he doesn't want to use them period so he makes a shit fit, upsets mom embarrass the driver...One good thing. other people do see he is not just this "sweet lil old guy".... even the manager at the adult center says she notices how snappy and stubborn he is...
"Growing old aint for sissies" ? it aint for people who have a strong sense of control, stubbornness, get upset when they can't have everything they want and continue to do things they are no longer able to do without injury to themselves...
I DO understand, the loss of control ,the body betraying one, the fear of death, the loss of privacy the rights to look after yourself so to speak, but that is the price he pays for not being dead and having infirmities on aging his body and mind. I guess we all pay the price.
We are living longer and inuring greater debt and having lower and lower quality of living due to the break troughs and meddling of the medical industry...Jesus, thank you so much!
So I mopped some new parts of the floor... the end....
Have a good week all, stay warm and dry and sane....Jen
Shirley, that is a great idea to put it on an index card for the mil n especially while I am trying to focus on driving while she is asking me 20 zillions times. Thanks, just simple little stuff like these ideas can possible make a huge difference. Thank you, thank you.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me
I sat down and while waiting I observed
That there were three items on a stand
Next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer .
When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused, this is my first exam ..
I know what the K-Y is for
And I know what the glove is for,
But can you tell me what the BEER is for?
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably
outraged and stormed over to the door
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse .. . . . . .
Damn it Evelyn !!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT!
I guess it's sort of like a Pabst smear!
Live Well,
Love Much,
Laugh Often!
The city where my husband use to work provided flu shots to all their employees and their spouses. I don't think they would have done that if there was concern that it would make people sick.
I think you have to trust the guidance of Connor's pediatrician. Kids get exposed to so much at school and then they bring it home to share with their parents.
Gosh, my parents had 4 children. Lord, we got the mumps, the chicken pox, etc., etc. Didn't have the baby vaccines then. Thank goodness we did have the polio vaccine and we got that at school. Anyone else remember lining up at school to get a shot of the polio vaccine?
Stormy, check with your doc about the flu vaccine for you. The only reason I could see to not get it is if there was a shortage of the vaccine. Then it would be high risk patients and medical staff first.
Hope that helps. I know we all worry sometimes.
Deef- I am so sorry to hear of your friend's passing. I will keep you in my prayers. Hugs.
Cat, Judy, Meanwhile, Deef, Dtflex, Bobbie, Cuz, lil' deb, jen and anyone else I missed I hope this year is turning out alright for all of you. Keeping you all in my thoughts as our journey continues on in caregiving.................... My love and hugs Stormy.
This AD stuff is just so confusing sometimes. The other day the mil was taking this toy n telling me while we were eating supper at the table that, each end had equal 3 parts on the end n they both had the same colors going length wise n that she had shaped it to look like a boat. It just amazed me for it lasted about 20 minuets n she hasn't had the interest to do any of that stuff lately. Then later, the she goes back to her usually self, to not knowing where to put the toilet paper when done in bathroom to forgetting she just went to the bathroom for #1 just a few minuets ago, to a little urine leakage n the constant repeats to name a few. She seems to have very short-term memory n has signs of stage 5 n now a few from stage 6 from the Alzheimer website. Yet, she was only diagnosed in 2010 with mild n I can tell she seems to be at moderate level just a yr ago. It just seems to be to quick to have some of those signs from 6 already n is this normal? She is constantly needing to do #1 but she is not really tinkling. Not sure if she just forgetting or just has the urge n nothing is their for she has already went?
We did set-up her appt with the colon dr to do a Barium Enema X-ray for next week to see if anything else is going on beside having small hemorrhoid problems for she complains still about her bottom inside. She still using the suppository twice a day from her dr n it hard to tell if she is n pain or just discomfort. For sometimes she forgets she just used a suppository n wanted another one. Yet, she can only use them twice a day. At least I got that test set-up n I got the hubby, her son to go as well so he can see what fun it is sometimes. ; ) It took from 2:00pm until 4:30pm to get done with her Butt dr n the per-registering at the hospital for her Barium x ray test next week. Shew, What a day! I was the bad person for she told her son that she cannot believe I am doing this to her n that she don't hurt n that is when hubby was getting upset with her. Because she has been constantly complaining n now she going to tell him she is fine. Then, she thought we were sending her off for good so I had to pull her aside n explain to her as much as possible that what we were doing at the hospital n then she was fine. That lasted about 10 minuets. She starts crying again n confused n people r looking at us like we r being mean or something. I try again to explain n she is fine again. I don't have any more patients to explain again at least for today! She is napping now so I can breath a bit until tonight. I m think about recording myself before we go to another appointment so I can quit repeating myself. Has anyone else come up with a solution to help ease their mom minds n help keep your own patience so u don't go insane at the same time? Hubby was a little helpful so that was better than none. ; )
Linda, Kuli, Stormy, Deef, esskape, Diane, Bobbie, Cuz, Jen, lildeb, Mame, Cricket, RIP, Bookworm, Judy, everyone, I truly hope this year will bring many good things to all of us.
Bobbie: Let me know where you will be posting your political views. I'd like to add my 2 cents. I tend to think I am informed and I also research. One of my friends who is ultra conservative and super religious (unlike me) says that I am one of the best researchers she has ever met. We agree on just about nothing, but we do care about each others well being. I always welcome the opportunity to read info that is well researched. As you, I have no clue why people put stock in Rush or Fox News. Nevertheless, it's amazing how many of my friends and family swear by it. I'm always at a loss in understanding this. By the way, Fox has an advertisement on their channel for a Veteran help group. It's a totally bogus fraud, yet they air it constantly. Guess they like the money more than promoting an honest endeavor. That tells me a lot. My brother-in-law, who is an avid Fox follower, was the one who told me he researched the Vet help group and found it to be a fraud. Still, he doesn't see the connection between Fox and their advertisers. I guess I'm a dork, but I would never advertise a group without making sure, as much as possible, that those who trusted my opinion would not be mislead by something I put before them. Just saying.